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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew using my home

105 replies

plumble · 01/10/2019 16:02

AIBU? my nephew (27) stays at my home every 2nd weekend so he can have visitation with his 2 children. he lives over 9 hours drive away. Every time he is here something gets broken or 'lost'. Plant pots, stereo speakers, vases and remote controls etc. Then he never tells me about these things, I have to come home and discover it for myself ( which infuriates me). Now he wants to have not only his 2 children but his new girlfriends 2 children come for the weekends he is here and I have said no. He is upset and I have had his mum call me and ask me to reconsider as he wants the children to meet and have a relationship. I however cannot afford to keep replacing items that get broken, because he is too tired from driving to keep a close eye on what his children get up to. I am scared for my belongings adding more children to this situation. he cannot afford to replace these things and I have quite a few breakable things that are from my mother who passed a few years ago. I have tried putting breakables away in cupboards, but the children go through drawers and cupboards whilst dad is distracted. My home is the closest in the family to his ex partner, so I agreed to the situation. but I now regret it but also know that without this he would only see his children during school holidays. Any advice or suggestions as to what I do next would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Mookie81 · 01/10/2019 16:22

If he doesn't like it he shouldn't have moving to fucking Scotland should he?! Hmm
He's an arsehole and you don't owe him a damn thing. Tell his mummy to pay for his hotel if she's that concerned.

Mookie81 · 01/10/2019 16:23

*moved

timeforawine · 01/10/2019 16:23

No way, he can get a hotel from now on. You've been extremely accommodating

DriftingLeaves · 01/10/2019 16:23

Stick to your guns, OP.

No, no, no.

AngusThermopyle · 01/10/2019 16:23

You've been a very kind aunt, time to say no. He's taking the piss now.

wildhairdontcare · 01/10/2019 16:25

Why can't he let them all meet in the school holidays next month?

Original poster
plumble · 01/10/2019 16:25

Thank you all, I am feeling much less guilty about this decision now.I will continue allowing him to visit his children here, but not allow any additional visitors into the mix. I am very close to this young man, I have always had a very good relationship with him, he is trying to not be an invisible dad and I am trying to support that. He doesn't have the finances to book into a hotel with the children, he works hard and supports 2 families, I am trying to support him as best I can, without it costing me the relationship we have or my sanity.

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 01/10/2019 16:31

You sound awfully nice. Your nephew isn't so nice. If you want an excuse, say you have looked into your house insurance and it isn't covering other occupants staying on a regular arrangement. To be honest, if one of the kids set fire to your home accidentally, then you may struggle to get a pay out from house insurance as you consented to them being there, you were not there when it happened etc. Insurance companies have a habit of twisting things to evade a pay out. Add to it, the noise from those kids running around may upset your neighbours. If he is not supervising them enough to prevent breakage, he probably isn't worried about noise levels either. Your home is your biggest asset and a nest for you to feel safe in. Don't let family dynamics get in the way of common sense...you are not a hostel or family visitation centre!!!

Butterymuffin · 01/10/2019 16:32

Who moved away, OP, him or the children's mother?

messolini9 · 01/10/2019 16:32

he lives over 9 hours drive away.

You are not responsible for his choice to live 9 hours away from his children. The least he can do is be grateful for your help & careful with your home & property. He clearly isn't , & instead of owning up to breakages & apologising, he gets his mum to ring to up to nag for more help from you? How lovely for you to feel emotionally blackmailed like this.

I would be siggesting that he finds work & his own home closer to his kids.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/10/2019 16:38

You do sound kind but I think you need to explain to him that his children keep breaking your belongings. Could he look into booking a flight instead of driving for 9 hours? Shouldn't actually cost that much more and might mean he's not so tired he can't actually monitor his children (surely there must be safety issues here too?)

NearlyGranny · 01/10/2019 16:39

Noooooooo!

Tonnerre · 01/10/2019 16:41

How can he bring the girlfriend's children with him and stay for a few days? Aren't they in school?

In any case, it's ridiculous to make them do 9 hours travel for this purpose.

Purpleartichoke · 01/10/2019 16:42

I’d tell him it’s time he get his priorities in order and move to be near his children.

Crunchymum · 01/10/2019 16:44

Where do you go for these weekends?

Tonnerre · 01/10/2019 16:44

If you plan to continue the current arrangement, at least tell your nephew that he has got to supervise his children adequately so there are no more breakages or mysterious losses, and that he must repay you for what has been broken already. If he's too tired from the journey to do this, then he needs to travel a day earlier and give himself time to recover.

monkeymonkey2010 · 01/10/2019 16:46

he can book them all into a BnB for the weekends - i.e take responsibility like a bloody adult for his own kids!

You've been far too generous and patient with him for far too long.
It isn't your job to facilitate contact between him and his kids forever - or until they're all adults.

He's a CF for putting you in this position with no end in sight.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 01/10/2019 16:46

I am trying to support him as best I can, without it costing me the relationship we have or my sanity.

Then the least he can do is make sure his kids don’t damage your stuff, even if that means being out with them most of the time. You did mention that to his mum, didn’t you?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/10/2019 16:48

@plumble - I have to say I am not sure why you are going to let him carry on using your home for contact with his children. As other posters have said, it is not your responsibility to facilitate his access visits.

If I were you, I would be very clear with him - ”Brother - I will let you carry on having your children at my house, even though something gets broken or lost every single time, and you have never once offered to replace anything. So, from this point onwards, this cannot happen any more. Unless you and your children treat my home and my belongings with respect, this arrangement cannot continue. If things get broken, I will not let you and your kids use my home any more. Understood?”

And mean it.

Idontwanttotalk · 01/10/2019 16:48

Hell would freeze over before I'd have 4 kids in my place for a weekend that weren't mine.
I wouldn't even want to stick to the original arrangement if stuff is always being broken and not replaced. I'd use his new request as an opportunity to get out of it altogether now.

He needs to make his own arrangements. You may be really close to your nephew but you are being used.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/10/2019 16:48

He sounds like a CF to me. Kids should not be running amok in your home!

Drabarni · 01/10/2019 16:52

Tell his mum to host them all, next time she tries to guilt trip you.
Considering these children are not yours, You have done more than anyone should ask tbh.
Just say he'll have to sort his own circus.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 01/10/2019 16:53

I can't imagine his new GF is going to let him take her kids on a 9 hr trip without her, so you would be accommodating her as well as the extra children. I'd definitely be saying no, that doesn't work for me. I agree with pp too, you need to be telling your nephew that if he's to continue the current arrangement, he needs to supervise the children better, otherwise you will expect any losses/damages to be paid for - and mean it! A mumbled apology isn't sufficient, and he's not learning from it. Is it worth putting child locks on some of the cupboards OP?

diddl · 01/10/2019 16:54

Oh come on, he's just using you & has no respect.

Stuff gets broken whilst he's distracted?

He only sees them EOW!

And he wants to bring two more kids when he can't cope with his own two?

Where would his GF be?

Who are the 2 families he is supporting?

He sounds irresponsible!

MuddlingMackem · 01/10/2019 16:54

YANBU to say no to the extra children, however YABU to allow him to continue to abuse your generosity.

If he can't control his children in your house then your house is not a suitable base for him for visitation, and he needs to come up with an alternative. Pass the problem back to his mother, she can indulge him at her cost, not yours.