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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nephew using my home

105 replies

plumble · 01/10/2019 16:02

AIBU? my nephew (27) stays at my home every 2nd weekend so he can have visitation with his 2 children. he lives over 9 hours drive away. Every time he is here something gets broken or 'lost'. Plant pots, stereo speakers, vases and remote controls etc. Then he never tells me about these things, I have to come home and discover it for myself ( which infuriates me). Now he wants to have not only his 2 children but his new girlfriends 2 children come for the weekends he is here and I have said no. He is upset and I have had his mum call me and ask me to reconsider as he wants the children to meet and have a relationship. I however cannot afford to keep replacing items that get broken, because he is too tired from driving to keep a close eye on what his children get up to. I am scared for my belongings adding more children to this situation. he cannot afford to replace these things and I have quite a few breakable things that are from my mother who passed a few years ago. I have tried putting breakables away in cupboards, but the children go through drawers and cupboards whilst dad is distracted. My home is the closest in the family to his ex partner, so I agreed to the situation. but I now regret it but also know that without this he would only see his children during school holidays. Any advice or suggestions as to what I do next would be appreciated.

OP posts:

HisBetterHalf · 01/10/2019 16:55

If he cant supervise his own children whts the point of meeting up with them? What do they actually do together?

Drabarni · 01/10/2019 16:57

OP, you won't know whose in your house if you aren't there at the weekends.
Perhaps when more stuff is broken it will be obvious though.
He knows he can do anything he likes because you've put up with him using you for quite a while by the sounds.

Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 17:05

I don't think you are unreasonable, maybe host them once a month or so and he and girlfriend can go out with the children at other times. That might be a compromise.

Do speak to him about his carelessness with your things, it may improve if you do that.

You sound like a good aunt but every weekend is a bit much. I'd have thought your sister would see that.

Soontobe60 · 01/10/2019 17:07

Hang on, I'm sure the OP hasn't said he moved away from his children. Maybe his ex moved away? Maybe he wants to ensure there is a relationship between his children and his gfs children as he's planning on moving in wth her. There are a lot of unknowns here.
OP, you have been kind enough to ensure he still sees his children regularly, and that's to be commended. It must be exhausting for him to travel such a long distance to see his children at someone else's home. I would sit him down and tell him your concerns about your belongings and property getting damaged. Tell him you will give it a trial, but are not promising anything long term.

LIZS · 01/10/2019 17:10

He could afford to bring gf and 2 children down but not a hotel room for him and 2 dc

Justmuddlingalong · 01/10/2019 17:10

And maybe at the age of 27 and a father of 2, he should stop taking the piss and take more responsibility.

Rachelle11 · 01/10/2019 17:11

You are concerned about not damaging the relationship but he isn't. You need to think about that.

Also why is he supporting two families? Who is the other family?

Gingefringe · 01/10/2019 17:12

"I have tried putting breakables away in cupboards, but the children go through drawers and cupboards whilst dad is distracted"

Distracted with what exactly? I thought he was at your home to be with the kids.
Where do you go when they're staying at the house? It sounds as though you go somewhere else.

In any event he's being very disrespectful to you and your belongings and I wouldn't want to keep up this arrangement.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2019 17:13

Ridiculous.

He can sleep at yours and meet the children elsewhere.

Photograph all breakages and send him dated pictures. What an immature fool.

LovePoppy · 01/10/2019 17:13

Where are you when he takes over your house?

Is he looking at moving to your area?

This isn’t sustainable

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/10/2019 17:13

Every time he is here something gets broken or 'lost' ... he never tells me about these things, I have to come home and discover it for myself

Does this mean you're not actually there when he's using your home to see the DCs? In your position I'd be changing that pretty fast, and adding more children into it with his GF's kids is obviously a no-no ... if you need an excuse, just tell him you can't afford more of the same breakages/losses

For that matter why is this happening anyway? Granted kids can be unpredictable, but it's not that hard to keep an eye on what they're doing - especially if they're the entire focus of his visit

Drum2018 · 01/10/2019 17:14

Tell him you will give it a trial, but are not promising anything long term

Why would she offer him a trial when she doesn't want to host his gf and her kids? She's perfectly entitled to say no.

Ambidexte · 01/10/2019 17:17

Sounds like he is just ignoring his kids while they run amok.

You don't have to be Parent of the Year to prevent your kids destroying other people's stuff every single day you spend with them. What exactly is he getting "distracted" by all this time? And how can he justify not telling you about the breakages or replacing the items?

Bollocks to that. He should not be in your house.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2019 17:17

Also, if he's too tired to supervise his children after driving for 9 hours, he needs to plan his time better. Drive down the evening before, sleep over, then see them.

It can't be much fun for them, spending time with a sleepy dad who hasn't the energy to play with them! What's the point of that?

Jaxhog · 01/10/2019 17:19

I think you are a very generous person to allow him to continue to stay over after all the damages. I think you need to sit him down and make it clear about the cost to you of the damages though. Has he even offered to cover the cost? Or ANY cost? e.g. food etc.

As a matter of interest, did the EXW move the kids or did he move away? If the Ex, then she should be doing more to facilitate the kids seeing their dad.

PrettyPurse · 01/10/2019 17:19

OP - do you honestly allow a grown man to bring his children to your home...treat it with no respect. ...and now have him demanding yet MORE children there.

Really hope you get paid well for having them all stay.

Cherrysoup · 01/10/2019 17:20

He needs to parent his dc when he and they stays. How are they being allowed to run amok? Suggest an Airbnb to him. You can’t allow your home to constantly be wrecked.

Gazelda · 01/10/2019 17:23

How is he supporting 2 families? Are he and his new girlfriend co-habiting?

Winterlife · 01/10/2019 17:24

Are you out of the house during these visits?

Boysey45 · 01/10/2019 17:27

I'd say no to any of it and say he can go to an Air b and b or a Travelodge. Its not your responsibility at all, hes not even your son.

666onmyhead · 01/10/2019 17:30

Oh no. What's going to happen ( and it will ) when he turns up on your door with girlfriend in tow ? And maybe her kids too ? You need to nip this in the bud now and say only one person through the door and make sure he knows you really mean it .

mankyfourthtoe · 01/10/2019 17:30

"I've been happy to support x see his children so far, but you have to appreciate the time, effort and sadly money this costs. Unfortunately we are not able to add extra adults or children into the mix so please don't ask again.

And I hope he pays for his and the children's food. And I would be telling him what's broken and asking for it to be replaced in future, he might be less distracted.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/10/2019 17:31

Sounds like he is just ignoring his kids while they run amok

If so, the addition of a new and exciting girlfriend wouldn't exactly help his concentration - and that would apply if she came alone, never mind with two more kids

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/10/2019 17:33

So he stays in Scotland, a 9 hour drive from where his children live? Why does he live so far from them?

"he is trying to not be an invisible dad"
Well he's not exactly present either! Too tired to actually parent, allowing his children to rummage through your drawers and break your stuff. What ages are these children? And how is he incapable of telling them to be more careful?

mankyfourthtoe · 01/10/2019 17:37

Can you set aside a 'play room' ie the kids are in there or bedroom and have a safer room for you to relax in (with all your worldy belongings!)

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