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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew using my home

105 replies

plumble · 01/10/2019 16:02

AIBU? my nephew (27) stays at my home every 2nd weekend so he can have visitation with his 2 children. he lives over 9 hours drive away. Every time he is here something gets broken or 'lost'. Plant pots, stereo speakers, vases and remote controls etc. Then he never tells me about these things, I have to come home and discover it for myself ( which infuriates me). Now he wants to have not only his 2 children but his new girlfriends 2 children come for the weekends he is here and I have said no. He is upset and I have had his mum call me and ask me to reconsider as he wants the children to meet and have a relationship. I however cannot afford to keep replacing items that get broken, because he is too tired from driving to keep a close eye on what his children get up to. I am scared for my belongings adding more children to this situation. he cannot afford to replace these things and I have quite a few breakable things that are from my mother who passed a few years ago. I have tried putting breakables away in cupboards, but the children go through drawers and cupboards whilst dad is distracted. My home is the closest in the family to his ex partner, so I agreed to the situation. but I now regret it but also know that without this he would only see his children during school holidays. Any advice or suggestions as to what I do next would be appreciated.

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 01/10/2019 17:38

But I also would say that it has all became too much for as the children have gotten older and you'd like him to make alternative arrangements from the new year.

You or rather I couldn't keep that up long term.

Pemba · 01/10/2019 17:41

Where are you going whilst these visits take place? Are you having to vacate your own home every other weekend to accommodate him? That's really a lot for your nephew to ask from you, aside from the breakages.

regmover · 01/10/2019 17:43

I would put a stop to the lot of it to be honest. Explaining that he can't even be bothered to supervise his own children and stop them going into your private things and causing damage. Bollocks to that. It seems you're doing a lot of "trying" and he isn't trying much at all.

Dollymixture22 · 01/10/2019 17:46

Why is he supporting two families?

Is he supporting his new girlfriends children?

His priority should be his own children. Why can he afford to support this news lady and her children when he can’t afford proper arrangements to visit his children? Or even pay you back for the things his family have broken

timshelthechoice · 01/10/2019 17:47

He needs to put the kids he has now before his latest GF and move to where he can see them without using you as a free AirB&B. 'Distracted', my arse, he's sat on his phone with his GF instead of looking after his kids.

absopugginglutely · 01/10/2019 17:53

YADNBU. He will have to stay in a travel lodge in future.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/10/2019 17:54

And his mother needs some brasso for her neck. 😳

Ambidexte · 01/10/2019 17:55

Maybe you could say that, given the number of accidents that have occurred, your home is obviously not suitable for kids who are being ignored by their parent and you are concerned for their safety.

What happens when one of them breaks the glassware and cuts their wrist open on it while Daddy is busy on Candy Crush? In all conscience you can't let them take the risk and they will need to find somewhere more suitable. Halo

TonTonMacoute · 01/10/2019 17:56

Just because it is mightily convenient for him that doesn't mean you have to do it. He is an adult with responsibilities and he must get something else sorted out

It is a huge imposition on you and I cannot imagine expecting anyone to that for me.

If your sister kicks up a fuss offer to visit her every other weekend with four kids in tow and see how she takes to that idea.

Ambidexte · 01/10/2019 18:02

Or, failing that, perhaps you are about to have a lot of electrical work done with exposed wires everywhere. Or you have a new hobby involving lots of nail guns and hacksaw blades. Or you're getting pet tarantulas in a very flimsy cage. Or your neighbours have been complaining about the noise and disturbance.

The nephew and his mother don't sound like great people to me, and I would just tell them to do one. But if you want to keep the relationship then there might be potential excuses to use. You shouldn't be putting up with this situation.

Berthatydfil · 01/10/2019 18:14

I would be saying /texting/messaging them both the same message so there is no confusion.
Nephew sis
I was happy to help James continue to have a relationship with Sarah and Oliver. I don’t have to remind you that I didn’t have to do this and offered because I have had a close relationship with James, and thought this relationship was one of mutual respect
However I’m now finding that my possessions and home are getting damaged and things are getting lost when James and the children are here. I am finding that James doesn’t seem to appreciate how disappointing this is to find my home and possessions disrespected, and that’s not allowing for the cost of repair or replacement of my possessions.
I understand James is tired after the long drive and he may not want to upset the children after not seeing them for a while but he is failing to control and discipline them or get them to respect my home and possessions. I understand they are only young but I cannot continue with the situation as it is currently and I must stress it is not 100% my responsibility to facilitate the relationship.
Now James wants to bring 2 more children to my home. I cannot allow this, as I have no faith that he will be able to control 4 children when he cannot control 2.
I have to insist that unless the situation improves with regards to my home and possessions I will have to regrettably consider withdrawing the use of my home for James to visit the children.

MrsRufusdog789 · 01/10/2019 18:23

If he has no spare cash to have an alternative meeting place apart from your home you'd have thought he'd have treated it and you with a bit of respect . Plus made sure no breakages after the first mishap ..
You have done what you can and it's just not your responsibility to provide a venue for him , his children, and the entourage of his girlfriend .
Stay firm . Enough is enough !

MissMarks · 01/10/2019 18:25

He can’t possibly think it is practical to drive down with kids for a weekend from Scotland!

dontdoxmeeither · 01/10/2019 18:26

Ye Gads. I'd be saying "No way hose and, while we're here, it's a good opportunity to tell you the current arrangement isn't working for me now so as from blah blah you'll need to make alternative arrangements "

Harsh possibly but I'd be getting my life back.

Aprillygirl · 01/10/2019 19:38

He and his mother are taking advantage of your kindness and are taking the absolute piss now. Besides which, why is he wanting to introduce his new girlfriend's kids to his already? Surely his time with his DCs should be about the three of them shouldn't it? Tell the cheeky fucker to sort his own accomodation out from now on.

ExcusezMonFrancais · 01/10/2019 19:46

I'd say 'no' OP. Why isn't his mother paying for a hotel or Air B&B instead of insisting that you take them all in? Have you told her about all the broken items in your home? Why doesn't he just move closer to his kids? He must be spending a fortune on travel costs driving over 18 hours roundtrip every 2 weeks. (I can't imagine doing that with 2 children) If he's not even looking after his own 2 kids when they're in your house, adding 2 more will only make that worse. Besides, do you have the space to accomodate 4 children and 2 adults for the weekend every 2 weeks? Who pays for the meals and does all of the cooking and cleaning each weekend for your visitors?
I think you're being taken advantage of OP. You might care a great deal for your nephew, but it doesn't sound like he cares much about you tbh. Where are the 'missing items' going? Broken items is one things, but 'missing' items? Hmm

AJPTaylor · 01/10/2019 20:03

He chooses to live 9 hours away I assume?
.

Wehttam · 01/10/2019 20:04

Absolutely NOT. He’s taking the piss OP.

billy1966 · 01/10/2019 20:10

He hasn't any respect for you or your home.

If you allow the arrangement to continue, you can expect more of the same.

Both he and his mother are complete CF's and you OP are very soft.💐

BiggerThanBoo · 01/10/2019 20:16

Wtf.
Not read the thread!
He needs to sort his life out and move closer to his kids ffs!

Scoobydoobywho · 01/10/2019 20:17

He can't look after the things in your house with just his dcs, so he thinks adding 2 more to the mix is a good idea. I don't think so.

Izzidigne · 01/10/2019 21:29

If you wanted to be very kind you could say he could stay with you after his long drive then pick up his children and take them back to his girlfriends to meet her children and stay with her.

WineGummyBear · 01/10/2019 21:35

This is awful. You have been very very kind to this point.

He has repaid you kindness with extraordinary disregard for your home. Not on.

If he needed this so badly he needed to treat your home with respect.

I'd end the arrangement immediately.

PrettyPurse · 07/10/2019 05:14

@plumble - did you sort anything out?

maddening · 07/10/2019 05:17

He and his mum can rent accommodation to suit if they want to

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