Feeling sick at the thought of being intimate with DP

[whatsthestoryy]

I am almost 5 months postpartum and since having DC I literally feel sick at even the thought of being intimate with DP. I don't even like kissing him. Or being close to him. Like I literally just can't do it.

I've forced myself to have sex twice since having DC but I can't do it again. I'm sitting here 20 minutes after DP tried to initiate sex and I can't shake the feeling that him trying to do that just felt wrong to me and made me feel disgusting.

DP hates me for it, thinks there's something wrong with me. Thinks I don't love him or find him attractive anymore but that's not the case.

AIBU to feel this way? I'm genuinely starting to believe I'll never be able to have sex again

Are you finding it painful? Or are you worried about becoming pregnant again?

Did you fancy him before you had your baby?

I would make a GP appointment. Clearly it's not a feeling that most people get nbut maybe it's a symptom.of something, maybe you've just lost your sex drive or have PND.

Is everything alright in your relationship in other ways? Assuming it is then I am sure there's a solution.

There's nothing wrong with you. Your libido will come back.

Well, it will if he stops acting like a pushy twat. Nothing more off-putting.

Why did you force yourself? Overriding your feelings like that will be making it worse now.

Are both his hands bandaged or something?!

Did you genuinely fancy him before getting oregnant? Silly question and according to mumsnet worthy of hanging, but a lot of women really don't fancy their OH's anymore, then boom, baby. And after they don't ever want to touch them again until they want another baby.

It could just be hormonal, to do with breastfeeding or with whatever contraception your using. I don’t think it’s that uncommon though

DP hates me for it, thinks there's something wrong with me.

I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him, then, because he doesn’t sound like a very nice man.

A decent bloke would at least try to understand that childbirth is a hell of a thing, that it can be traumatic, that it messes with your hormones and can kill your libido, and he would talk about that with you and sympathise and be kind. Of course it’s difficult to be rejected but he’s an ignorant prick if he’s not even trying to understand or empathise. He’s only going to make things worse by being angry and making it all about him.

Erm why would you force yourself to have sex and why would your husband hate you because several months after giving birth, sex isn't a priority. He makes me feel sick and I don't even know him! I wasn't having sex at 5 months pp at all, DS was feeding like a demon, I had a few post partum health issues and frankly I was exhausted. DH was banished to the spare room most nights as that was when I got a few short hours to myself to sleep in blissful space, I didn't even want a cuddle, I wanted to be left alone and if he hasn't respected that after I'd essentially destroyed my body birthing our baby, I would've told him where to go. If that's what your dh thinks is important he's a dickhead.

Please see your GP.

I didn’t like the fact that my body seemed to belong to the baby or my DH, never to me.

You’re going to need to get him to back off for a bit. Are you ok in other ways? Are you feeling positive about life in general?

I don't think you need your GP, I think you just need to be looked after a bit and to be left alone sexually. I don't know the answer but you've not done anything wrong and sex should always be consensual. Sulking on his part isn't on

See your GP. It might help you just to talk things through with someone impartial. While it might be just a normal feeling after having a child, but it also might be a symptom of an underlying anxiety or issue with low mood.

It can never hurt to talk to your GP- even if nothing comes of it I imagine you'll feel better relaying any concerns you are having.

Does it sound silly to say I don't know if I fancied him before I fell pregnant?

I am suffering with postnatal mental health.

How can I explain how I feel to him without sounding like a total bitch?

While I agree with others about taking time and not feeling pressured, that can happen alongside a check in with your doctor. The two are not exclusive. Some reassurance might help

I'm coming up on 2 months PP and I can't even contemplate sex right now (I'm BF if that makes a difference). IDK when that's supposed to go away.

The charity 'relate' can be really helpful for couples who are struggling to communicate. Worth a google.

Do you feel physically and mentally recovered from the birth? How much sleep are you getting? Are you breastfeeding? These things impact hugely in my experience. You aren’t alone in having these strong feelings but they can totally go away (with same husband!) if it’s any of the above causes, once they improve. Obviously you could just really want to be with him. Only you can decide that.

Is he supportive and loving in other ways?

I am suffering with postnatal mental health

Are you getting treatment for this? If so it will all get sorted eventually. If he is putting pressure on you or making you feel guilty thats not ok. Can't you just say " I am not feeling up for sex at the moment because of my depression. I would prefer to avoid for a little while. I willet you know when I feel more like myself"

You don't have to mention whether or not you fancy him. If his response makes you feel bad then he hasn't got your best interests at heart and is not the partner you thought he was.

Have you told him that you are suffering PND? If not then maybe that will help. But do be prepared for the follow up question: What are you actually doing about it?

There is help out there! Or even in here. But maybe AIBU isn't the best place (depending on your sense of humour!)

did you have particularly traumatic birth?...actually-include -was this your first baby?.(.i was so overwhelmed with that whole process )

So you're not even sure that you fancied him before you had the baby?

Wasn't it a mistake deliberately to conceive in that case?

A very traumatic birth to say the least! And my first baby.

Luckily I have a good sense of humour

He knows I'm suffering with my mental health. He's not the most supportive and we clash a lot since having DC. The majority of the time I feel as though I'm alone in the whole parenting department but even when things are good between us, I still can't stand the thought of being intimate.

If he's ever miserable towards me (all of the time 🙄) I ask him what's wrong and he will say it's because he has built up frustrations from us not being intimate.

Also I have been referred to counselling I'm just waiting for them to get back in contact.

Still struggling with how to tell DP I cannot bring myself to even kiss him without sounding like a complete bitch

Don’t worry, I felt exactly the same. The idea of sex repulsed me for months. I think it was down to hormones, especially as I was breastfeeding. I’ve almost stopped feeding now (10 months pp) and we had sex for the first time 2 weeks ago, as I feel almost back to normal, so for me it didn’t last forever!

If you feel you want to see your GP then do of course go ahead, but please don’t feel this is totally abnormal and that it’s permanent! Perhaps you could discuss with your DP and explain that you’re recovering from birth and are still subject to crazy hormones.

Many mothers struggle with this to some degree. Taking care of a baby is exhausting and has you being touched almost constantly. It can leave the idea of being touched by yet another person completely unappealing.

I do think you should talk to your GP. If you aren’t getting help for your postpartum mental health, you should seek it. If you are already taking medication, you should know that loss of libido is a known side effect of some meds. You may need to try an alternative medication.