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Original poster

Feeling sick at the thought of being intimate with DP

99 replies

whatsthestoryy · 30/09/2019 23:46

I am almost 5 months postpartum and since having DC I literally feel sick at even the thought of being intimate with DP. I don't even like kissing him. Or being close to him. Like I literally just can't do it.

I've forced myself to have sex twice since having DC but I can't do it again. I'm sitting here 20 minutes after DP tried to initiate sex and I can't shake the feeling that him trying to do that just felt wrong to me and made me feel disgusting.

DP hates me for it, thinks there's something wrong with me. Thinks I don't love him or find him attractive anymore but that's not the case.

AIBU to feel this way? I'm genuinely starting to believe I'll never be able to have sex againConfused

OP posts:
zzzzzzzz12345 · 01/10/2019 09:36

Gosh most people I know felt like this!! Timings vary but your body is telling you not to reproduce again! Try not to worry, be honest with him, lots of cuddles and reassurance, and reassure him you will come back to this when you’re ready.

Babies killed my libido. It was very high before but the constant low levels exhaustion, coupled with birth injuries, just mirdered it. I have an incredibly understanding partner but it does require a real honesty from you about how you feel. It’s a rejection from his perspective so help him to understand the reasoning.

Massive luck op. You will feel like it one day, but it might just take time. An undstanding partner will help yo with that.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 01/10/2019 09:36

Sorry I haven’t read stuff in between but sounds like you had a tough time. Be kind to yourself.

LemonBreeland · 01/10/2019 09:46

In an absolutely loving relationship with DH it took us until DS1 was 6 months to have sex. I was too tired and busy to want sex. It seems your DP is pressuring you to have sex, and moaning about his blue balls (he really needs to get over himself) at a time when you are really struggling. He should be more supportive and then maybe you would want intimacy with him.

ravenmum · 01/10/2019 09:57

Did you know that there are some men who, if you show signs of being less interested than usual, work extra hard to try to get you interested - by sprucing themselves up, making a tasty meal, arranging romantic activities, and trying to make you laugh?

OK, that might not work quite as well with a woman who's recently given birth, is breastfeeding and suffering from mental health problems - but has your dp tried anything along those lines, or has he just tried childish sulking, complaining and being unpleasant to you?

FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2019 09:59

He knows I'm suffering with my mental health. He's not the most supportive and we clash a lot since having DC. The majority of the time I feel as though I'm alone in the whole parenting department but even when things are good between us, I still can't stand the thought of being intimate.

I don't think this is a nice man or a nice relationship. Forget focusing on sex alone - I wouldn't want to be with a man like this, do you?

I'd find it hard to want to kiss a man who has watched me have a traumatic birth and then suffer with my mental health, then fail to step up in parenting our newborn but find time to pressure me for sex to the extent I give in to keep the peace then have to hear how he 'hates me' for not wanting to have sex with him.

In fact I'd probably feel quite sick even looking at him, no matter anything else.

newgame989 · 01/10/2019 10:02

I'm wondering about your other real life support (other than your DH)?

After our second it took months for us to get back on track - I forget but I reckon 8 months. Low mood, exhaustion, touched out - most men understand and observe that it's rarely swinging from the chandeliers time. It sounds as though your DH isn't pulling his weight - perhaps a contributory factor to the mental health issues and lack of sex drive?

Tell him he doesn't initiate, you'll initiate when you are ready.

Annasgirl · 01/10/2019 10:16

Why are women who have recently given birth and are going through a tough time expected to be ready for sex with their partner and pressurised into it even by other women on MN?????

OP, you are normal, what you are feeling is normal. Your DH on the other hand is an unsupportive, vile man who is sulking because the woman who has given birth to his child is not ready to have sex with him. You do not need to see your GP, you do not need to question yourself, you need to take care of you - and your baby, and maybe, in time, you will have the strength to deal with your DH and how he has handled this and how and if you go forward together.

I work in the field of PND and many women who suffer it have partners who do not help enough with the baby - many women get through this by having a mum on hand to help or paid help, but the rest suffer on to the detriment of their mental health. You need to take time to heal mentally and I want to reassure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, you will feel better, and you will get through this. However, the way your partner supports you through this time will impact on your feelings for him for the rest of your life.

SirVixofVixHall · 01/10/2019 10:25

Op i didn’t want to have sex for ages after each baby, particularly dd1 as the birth had been traumatic. I waited six months or so, and DH was fine about it, and put no pressure on me at all. If he had I think we would never have had sex again ! We bickered a lot after Dd2 because I was exhausted and we had some major life stresses at the same time, so he was very stressed. That also had an impact.
I think many women lose desire when breastfeeding, it is to avoid getting pregnant again too soon. However your DH is being so uncaring that I am not surprised you don’t want to snog him.

mrsmuddlepies · 01/10/2019 10:29

You say, you are not sure you fancied him even before you had your baby. It sounds as if your sexual relationship is over. It must be hard to live with someone who creeps you out physically. It must be hard to live with someone who you know finds you physically unattractive.
This doesn't sound temporary. You cant bear the thought of hugs and cuddles. You need to think about spitting up.

ravenmum · 01/10/2019 10:37

It is pretty typical when depressed not even to be able to imagine having feelings, e.g. not being able to remember how it felt to be attracted to someone - and also very normal to question your feelings totally. When the depression is cured, normal service may resume. So I wouldn't assume that just because now, you can't remember/imagine fancying your dp, that means you didn't fancy him.

How was your mental health pre-child, OP? Did you have doubts about your relationship then?

ravenmum · 01/10/2019 10:51

As for how to talk to him about it, how about googling and printing out some articles so that you have "proof" that this is normal and not you being a bitch. For example:
www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2017/06/161785/couple-sex-after-baby-issue

But do remember that this is not about you behaving badly. He is really not being a great partner by reacting like this, and needs to step up.

Harrysmummy246 · 01/10/2019 10:55

Totally normal to not want to have sex (I won't say be intimate as it doesn't sound like that's what your 'partner' is after). Hormones mess about with libido and actually your physical ability to have sex (lack of lubrication).

It took a long time for me to want to, to feel physically healed from episiotomy, to not be leaking everywhere boob wise and to not be a crying mess of PND/ paranoid DS would wake the minute we started

And it only really got better when I entirely stopped BF.

But my DH isn't an arsehole and I do fancy him

gospelsinger · 01/10/2019 11:06

Many on here will critisise your DH for pressurising you. However, he has been honest about how he is feeling about the situation. He has told you he is feeling frustrated and that is making him snap. You have tried to keep your feelings to yourself as you don't want to sound like a bitch. However you probably need to air your feelings so that he understands what you are going through. Tell him also how the pressure he is putting you under makes you feel. Maybe get a book that you can read together and talk about the things it suggests.
A trip to GP may help.

Original poster
whatsthestoryy · 01/10/2019 11:13

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think I'll screenshot a few of them and send them to him so he knows I'm not alone. I'll also take up the suggestion of sending him some articles.

Before we had DC relationship was perfect, when I got pregnant with DC, it wasn't planned and therefore made things a little rocky but we got through it.

To the person who asked if he is trying to win me over for sex, no, he's not. Just moaning and making awful comments about how he "understands why men cheat" and how he's "started thinking about other people". But apparently he's joking.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 01/10/2019 11:14

Shes been t the bloody gp 5 months isnt that bloody long he sounds like a crap partner genrally op sorry

Original poster
whatsthestoryy · 01/10/2019 11:15

Oh and to the person who asked about support outside of DP - I have lots of friends but none of whom would really understand since none of them have children. It's also not something I wasn't to talk to my mom about Blush haha

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 01/10/2019 11:39

OP you don't need to do anymore work in this scenario. He is being disrespectful and unhelpful, and not stepping up as he should. No wonder you don't want to have sex, he sounds repulsive.

Don't send him articles, don't screenshot anything. Tell him your body and mind have been through an enormous amount over the last 14 months with pregnancy, birth & recovering postnatally and he needs to step up and support you. Your job is NOT to give him sex or make him feel better because you don't want it.

Arse!

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 01/10/2019 11:40

God, no wonder the idea of sex fills you with revulsion, I think anyone would feel the same at the thought of intimacy with such a vile, selfish dickwad. The real question is what did you ever see in him in the first place? Set him free to have sex with other women and free yourself from living with a caveman.

PookieDo · 01/10/2019 11:40

His responses are gross. And abusive. I don’t say that lightly very often either. Perhaps he just hasn’t been taught Very well about sexual consent and that it is wrong to manipulate women into ‘relieving his blue balls’ by being moody sulky, rude and confrontational so I suggest you protect yourself by not allowing any of this behaviour to continue around you
If he has no respect for you he will just continue to feel sorry for himself and hard done by and then you will know who he loves the most - his penis or his family

ravenmum · 01/10/2019 11:42

Glad to hear you have friends. They may not have children, but perhaps they can help you feel less bad about having a child with a clueless arsehole?

Often, having a child is the first really testing time that a couple face together. In some ways it can be better if the relationship has not been plain sailing before you TTC, so that you know what they are like under pressure. Like you I only really got to know my exh after DC. We lasted it out a good long time nonetheless - but mainly as he wasn't actively nasty like yours.

Bellsofstclements · 01/10/2019 11:42

It's absolutely fine not to want sex. I don't think I've ever felt less attractive or sexy as in the months after giving birth. Add in constant exhaustion, never having time to make myself look nice and being covered in dribble, food, milk to make a big fat nope! It was over a year before our sex life got back on track. OH never once mentioned it or made me feel like I needed to hurry up with the healing process (mentally and physically).

Much of this depends on whether you can have a conversation with him about this or not. He may not understand how you feel or how you're struggling. Alternatively he may be an arsehole who doesn't deserve you.

PookieDo · 01/10/2019 11:44

OP you do not need to go to the GP to look for a reason as to why you don’t want sex in your circumstances. By all means go if you are feeling low, and get the help and support you need

I think that is actually not a good idea to tell him you will ask a GP for help with your libido, because it will keep the onus on you to get ‘fixed’ so that In his eyes you can return to regularly servicing him, in return for him being more pleasant towards you

dad2hen · 01/10/2019 11:45

I am a male and my partner has a really hard pregnancy in and out of hospital, a lot of pain and emotion and then to tip it off a spontaneous birth that lasted 50 minutes from waters to complete birth, because of the she had a lot of blood loss and stiches.

We didn't have sex a lot during pregnancy it was such a hard time we didn't even think it was necessary to be honest. After the baby she wasn't interested in sex really, I didn't try to be honest but she told me how she felt. I think its totally understandable that her body had been through so much and she had stitches, getting over a traumatic pregnancy, enlarged breasts leaking milk and trying to breast feed. I don't think that would make many people feel particularly sexy and want to be touched.

On the other hand having a new baby is so tiring we didn't even really have the time to think about rubbish like that i was just enjoying being a new dad and happy he was healthy. Around 8 months old we started to have sex regularly again and 10 months on partner is starting to feel good in her own skin again.

I think your partner may be being unreasonable, tell him to enjoy being a dad and let you get back to some normality again especially with your mental health that's so important

ravenmum · 01/10/2019 11:46

Yup, we can all see the reason why you don't want sex, and we are not all GPs.

Original poster
whatsthestoryy · 01/10/2019 12:33

Thanks again for your responses. I've been thinking about it and I think when it comes to having sex with him it feels wrong. Like we shouldn't be doing it. Almost like he's a friend I shouldn't even be thinking about in that way?

OP posts:
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