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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling sick at the thought of being intimate with DP

99 replies

whatsthestoryy · 30/09/2019 23:46

I am almost 5 months postpartum and since having DC I literally feel sick at even the thought of being intimate with DP. I don't even like kissing him. Or being close to him. Like I literally just can't do it.

I've forced myself to have sex twice since having DC but I can't do it again. I'm sitting here 20 minutes after DP tried to initiate sex and I can't shake the feeling that him trying to do that just felt wrong to me and made me feel disgusting.

DP hates me for it, thinks there's something wrong with me. Thinks I don't love him or find him attractive anymore but that's not the case.

AIBU to feel this way? I'm genuinely starting to believe I'll never be able to have sex again

OP posts:

Original poster

whatsthestoryy · 01/10/2019 12:35

And I'm not sure if that's part and parcel of being pp or if that's what our relationship now boils down to. But at the same time I know I still love him. Very confusing.

OP posts:

RainbowsAndGlitterAndUnicorns · 01/10/2019 14:01

I had PND and anxiety and zero sex drive which I think is normal. Then the medication to treat those things also meant I had no libido.

However my DH loves me and was supportive not guilt tripping! I think his lack of parenting and support towards you will be influencing how you feel and affecting your recovery. You deserve better

PookieDo · 01/10/2019 14:04

You should never make yourself have sex with someone, even someone you feel you may love. It’s still not right for you to do so. It will make things worse as well

The thing is he isn’t giving you space to adjust to being a new mum, look after your MH, or get your body back, let alone assess how you feel about your relationship

At the moment he is not behaving like a loving dad and partner which is why you feel like he is more friend like. He’s not attractive to you and actually repulsive because he isn’t in tune with what you need and is being too pushy

I wouldn’t show him this thread either, it will just validate for him that ‘women hate men’ blah blah when they try to point out that men are coercing their partners into sex when they don’t want to do it is wrong and gross

You need to value your own needs. What do you need from him? What is missing? His lack of support and awareness is going to push you further away from each other. Sex won’t fix it

Simkin · 01/10/2019 14:27

I think this is quite normal for both you and him - even though I think men shouldn't be such idiots (I was going to say wankers but that wouldn't be a problem) about sex I think many of them are. They've been trained to be that way just as we've been trained to think that an erect cock must not be denied. If you think about it, if it were the other way round you would not be moaning about it but would probably be finding ways that would help him actually feel like sex not getting him to give in and do it.

I remember saying to DH 'If you want me to feel like sex, stop being whingy about it because there is nothing less sexy than a man being petulant about not 'getting enough'. And he actually listened and allowed my feelings to get back to normal. 5 months is nothing and the physical/sensual demands of a 5 month baby are huge.

cacklingmags · 01/10/2019 14:40

The way he is behaving, no one would want to fuck him. It is his own selfishness that is making him utterly repulsive.

Spintops · 02/10/2019 06:05

Sorry to hear you're struggling, OP.

Getting really fed up of the rash advice on Mumsnet recently. Name-calling someone's husband is not helpful or constructive. Telling another mother to leave her husband and break up her family over this - also not helpful or constructive.
Your problem is extremely common, for women before or after giving birth. We're fed this lie that sex is part of every day life when really it isn't. Media has skewed our expectations and porn has a lot to answer for.
I wasn't at all attracted to my husband before or after giving birth. I forced myself to do it on many occasions and ended up in tears. It just made things worse. I hated the thought of him touching me. It's something that takes time - years in a lot of cases - and it's more common than you'd think.
It might be worth looking into good couples counseling when you feel up to it so that there's a calm environment to discuss it all in.
When the pressure and expectation to have sex was removed I found that I eventually wanted to do it - but I could only get to that point because he knew I was off limits until I changed my mind.

gingersausage · 02/10/2019 06:39

@ravenmum what the actual fuck? Did you know that there are some men who, if you show signs of being less interested than usual, work extra hard to try to get you interested - by sprucing themselves up, making a tasty meal, arranging romantic activities, and trying to make you laugh? How about instead of all that desperate effort trying to get a shag, he steps up and actually does his share of the parenting and learns about the effects PND has on the woman he’s supposed to love.

Has there been a sudden influx of handmaidens round here lately or something?

Poetryinaction · 02/10/2019 07:18

Traumatic birth
New baby
Lack of sleep
Lack of support
Pressured for sex

And people are saying you are the problem, you need to go to a GP???? No. None of the above would make me want sex. Why should you even have to think about it? Your priority is your health and your baby. If dh wants intimacy he needs to start by giving you soace, respect and support. And lots and lots of time.

Poetryinaction · 02/10/2019 07:18

Space

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 02/10/2019 07:23

I think this isn't as simple as he's a prick and you are right.

Sex is an important part of a marriage. It's what makes a couple a couple rather than just mates. By your own admission you are "feeling sick" at the thoughts of being intimate with him. That's much more than too tired, or not in the mood. That signifies a very real problem in your marriage. It may be because of PND or PTSD or just postpartum blues etc. But, it seems to be much more.

It may be common but it is not normal and it sounds like your husband has sensed this spells the end of sex, forever. He is entitled to question it, question the reasons. Maybe he senses from you you don't fancy him and he knows this could be the end of your marriage.

He shouldn't have to put up and shut up in a relationship where his wife no longer fancies him and feels sick at the thoughts of being intimate with him. If a man posted that he felt sick at the thoughts of being intimate with his wife and he no longer fancies her, doesn't think he did previously either he would be ripped to shreds.

I sympathise with your situation. But you have a lot of thinking to do. You need to go to your GP to investigate is there any underlying medical/physical reason. You may need to go to marriage counselling to see if your marriage can be salvaged. Failing all that, you may need to let your husband go to be in a relationship with someone who does fancy him and who doesn't feel sick at the thoughts of kissing him.

You may simply have fallen out of love and into a friendship. It's unfortunate, but it happens. One thing for sure is the situation can't continue without something changing.

SaireyDog · 02/10/2019 07:24

I wouldn't want sex with him either...

Poetryinaction · 02/10/2019 07:28

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre what? 5 months post partum? Of course this doesn't have to be the end of a marriage. Get a grip. This is not Franci's Spain. You are not at the mercy of your dh's penis. Marriage means love and support, not putting up with demands because you are a woman.

Poetryinaction · 02/10/2019 07:28

Franco

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 02/10/2019 08:01

I never said she should be at his mercy. But she needs to think about is this a passing situation, or does she not fancy her husband. She has said she doesn't fancy him. There's no reason to disbelieve that from her. She has said she doesn't know if she fancied him previously. Again no reason to doubt her.

If she doesn't fancy him anymore and if it's not a transient thing due to everything going on then yes, it does mean the end of the relationship. Why should she stay in a relationship with a man she doesn't fancy or doesn't want to be intimate with? Why should he?

This is not a simply clear cut "what a bastard" situation. It may be something they can work on together, but it needs communication between them. At the moment they are both on opposite sides and feeling defensive. They need to be able to communicate effectively with each other and for both people to be reassured and supported through an issue. And yes, it is an issue for both of them.

If they can't communicate then there are real problems. Relationships take a lot of hard work. They're not all plain sailing. This could be something that passes in time, or it could be something that sets in and doesn't lift. The OP and her partner will need to try figure out which it is... Together.

She's not wrong. But he's not wrong to be concerned that his partner can't even bear to kiss him anymore.

ravenmum · 02/10/2019 08:29

@gingersausage That wasn't the only post I wrote, and you presumably didn't get past the first paragraph, as I pointed out in the second one that even nice behaviour won't work on someone who has PND. I wasn't saying that the OP should have sex with her dh if she doesn't want to. I was pointing out that there are men around who, when their wife does not want sex, don't just think there is something wrong with her, but instead look to their own behaviour. I asked if OP's husband had done that at all: OP described how she was feeling like a bitch, and as if this was all her fault, and I was showing that in fact, her husband is not being very nice.

Gracie300 · 02/10/2019 09:26

Hang in there. I was similar to you and then suddenly, DD is 7 months and my sex drive has shot you again. Give it a little more time.

Gracie300 · 02/10/2019 09:27

*Shot up!

PookieDo · 02/10/2019 09:28

Jesus Christ

He’s entitled to address it?
Yes he is. I agree

This man is instead though, threatening her with cheating with someone else if she doesn’t give in to him

Not. The. Same

PookieDo · 02/10/2019 09:30

He also has no insight into how he is repulsing his own partner with his own behaviour. I would be repulsed by this behaviour. Sexual aggression and manipulation is not sexy. It is repulsive

gingersausage · 02/10/2019 10:04

@ravenmum I did read all your posts to see if you were actually a man, because the first paragraph sounded like you were. Having realised you weren’t, I wanted to address it anyway.

ravenmum · 02/10/2019 10:07

@gingersausage So you missed the point of what I was saying?

Simkin · 02/10/2019 14:24

I totally agree with Ravenmum. Maybe OP doesn't want sex (and she shouldn't have to want to or do it) but even if there were a chance she would change her mind, petulance about not being serviced wouldn't do it. Her H working on the attraction between them might.

Ohmygod123 · 02/10/2019 22:32

Ugh I'm almost 8 weeks PP and this is all DP is banging on about. Like hello!? Small hole, big water melon!! No I do not want your penis anywhere near me!
BF aswell, this is my DC2 and yes I felt the same with DC1. Didn't want to be touched as always being touched my DC so when you're finally able to lay in bed on your own you definitely do not want someone trying it on with you! It will pass and I gaurentee sex will be better than it was before once you feel up to it.

WorriedSENMum · 03/10/2019 00:29

Bloody selfish men. Its a wonder the human race hasn't died out with some of the attitudes on here!

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