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Original poster

Feeling sick at the thought of being intimate with DP

99 replies

whatsthestoryy · 30/09/2019 23:46

I am almost 5 months postpartum and since having DC I literally feel sick at even the thought of being intimate with DP. I don't even like kissing him. Or being close to him. Like I literally just can't do it.

I've forced myself to have sex twice since having DC but I can't do it again. I'm sitting here 20 minutes after DP tried to initiate sex and I can't shake the feeling that him trying to do that just felt wrong to me and made me feel disgusting.

DP hates me for it, thinks there's something wrong with me. Thinks I don't love him or find him attractive anymore but that's not the case.

AIBU to feel this way? I'm genuinely starting to believe I'll never be able to have sex againConfused

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 00:38

I was like that, op, and my husband was lovely. It wasn't his or my fault, it was the way things were. It won't last forever I assure you. He shouldn't guilt trip/pressurise you, that's unkind. Nobody actually needs sex, they just think they do because they are used to it. We would probably feel the same but be more patient.

PND goes eventually, it's horrible while it lasts. The problem with seeing a doctor about it is all they can do is prescribe pills, many of which make things worse.

Do you have anyone to help you, apart from your partner? Maybe your mum? I say that because having time to yourself, to bathe, to sleep, is so healing. It can be difficult if you are constantly attending to your baby but if someone close could look after her for a little while, it would help. As she is nearly five months old you won't be feeding her all the time.

All the best Flowers

BrendasUmbrella · 01/10/2019 00:39

I ask him what's wrong and he will say it's because he has built up frustrations from us not being intimate.

And it may be that his clashing with you all the time while you are recovering from a traumatic birth, caring for your baby, and suffering from postnatal mental health issues is causing very understandable resentment towards him which is killing your sex drive. Many women cannot simply switch off from all the bad things because they have a few days without being got at.

Counselling for you may be a good idea. Couples counselling is something I'd be wary of. Too many of them seem to favour a no fault or a shared blame approach.

Sashkin · 01/10/2019 00:41

I felt like this when I was breastfeeding - it didn't help that DH is very breast-focused, and it just felt completely grim to have him try to suck my nipples when I was lactating (he was nibbling sexily, not having a drink, just to be clear).

I wouldn't say my libido was back to normal even now at 2.5yrs, but there are other life-specific reasons for that. The "yuk don't touch me" thing settled after DS weaned at 20 months.

Even if you aren't BFing, your hormones will be all over the place. If you are on antidepressants they also kill your libido - I couldn't even orgasm on my own when I was on citalopram, I just felt nothing.

gingersausage · 01/10/2019 00:43

So he does fuck all parenting, you’ve got PND and he’s completely unsympathetic, and the poor thing is “frustrated” due to lack of sex and taking that out on you too. Why exactly are you the one who is tying yourself in knots trying to sort this out?? Who cares if you sound like a bitch? He’s a grade A twat.

Tell him to man up, forget about his dick for five minutes, and start taking his responsibilities seriously. Otherwise, get the hell out and start your recovery away from the stress of a living with a selfish sex pest.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 01/10/2019 01:06

TBH I don't think anyone would feel like having sex with your husband if that's how he carries on. What a selfish dick.

Tell him:

you're still recovering. You've been through more than he can appreciate. Sex is the last thing on your mind. He could speed up your recovery by doing his share.

Then focus on getting yourself well.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time OP

HiJenny35 · 01/10/2019 01:16

Didn't have sex for 2 years after birth. Oh coped. I just didn't feel at all sexual. Nearly 3 years and to be honest I still don't feel particularly interested. And it's nothing to do with oh I literally don't really feel any sexual feelings towards anyone. I bf for 2 years and youngest isn't the best sleeper so I'm constantly tired so I don't think that helps. Dr said to give it longer as it often takes a few years for the body to settle back down.

HoppingPavlova · 01/10/2019 01:21

Maybe normal, maybe not.
I couldn’t stand my DH anywhere near me when kids were babies and I was breastfeeding. Even him accidentally brushing against me in bed if turning over would cause an internal inner rage. Same with giving me a hug. I spent my time with a baby attached to a boob or just holding them, last thing I wanted was someone anywhere near my personal space. If I didn’t have a baby on me I wanted a 2m exclusion zone around me and if it was breached by anyone I was pissed. Pretty much same with toddlers who are always climbing on you, sitting on your lap etc. I just craved personal space so if they were not there last thing I wanted was DH diving in to hug or touch me.

I moved on as kids grew older and became less clingy but was a gradual process over many years.

PapayaCoconut · 01/10/2019 01:24

What do you mean he "hates" you for it? How does that manifest?

NabooThatsWho · 01/10/2019 01:46

It sounds like you don’t want to have sex with him because the relationship isn’t good and he treats you badly. And giving birth has highlighted his selfish behaviour.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/10/2019 02:02

He sounds like an arsehole. Sorry OP. It's not you, it's him. Ok a bit might be you in that you don't want sex, but there's nothing wrong with not wanting sex. That's not a problem. You are allowed not want sex. There are even laws about it. Woman says no she doesn't want sex, means it's against the law to have sex with her. That's how strong your right not to have sex is.

He's horrible to be manipulating you and emotionally blackmailing you by sulking. He should grow up. I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship if I were you. He doesn't sound at all nice or loving or kind or supportive. He doesn't sound like a good father either.

Ozgirl75 · 01/10/2019 02:03

I felt very off about sex while I was breastfeeding - I just didn’t feel sexy at all. I assumed it was mother nature’s way of preventing a further pregnancy. Even now though, 6 years after I stopped, I still cannot stand DH anywhere near my breasts with his mouth, it just gives me the absolute jibbers. Luckily he is nice and it doesn’t bother him (or he hides it well if it does).

PapayaCoconut · 01/10/2019 05:39

DH isn't allowed anywhere near my breasts when I'm breastfeeding. I think this is very normal.

PookieDo · 01/10/2019 06:55

I am not post partum but I Would not want sex with this man
The pressuring, not helping you and being horrible to you is probably 80% of the problem

NabooThatsWho · 01/10/2019 07:13

You may need to try an alternative medication.

I don’t think the OPs lack of libido is anything to do with medication. The man is useless and nasty, why would anyone want to sleep with a man like that?
He needs to step up or ship out.

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2019 07:31

He doesn't do any parenting
He pressures you to have sex
He isn't kind to you

Why are you with him?

Platypusmama · 01/10/2019 07:36

Are you breastfeeding OP? This massively contributes to low sex drive. I’m still breastfeeding 14 month old dd and it’s still a bit hit and miss sometimes though much better than it was! Give yourself time to heal, your body has been through something very traumatic and now you’re dealing with sleep deprivation etc it’s completely natural for your sex drive to waver. Flowers

BrassTactical · 01/10/2019 07:45

To want sex you need to feel like you again and be with someone who makes you feel desired. Not pressured into it.

You are touched out, exhausted, physically in a different state and he’s being a wanker about it. That’s why you don’t want sex.

If he’s otherwise a good man (because post baby can be a hard time for couples and communication), then tell him. Tell him you need him to do his share. To make time for you to go out, go to the gym, get a massage, a new outfit, pampered, me time out with friends or to something that makes you feel like you again.

If that happens you will feel like you and good again most probably, will respect and care for him as he’s supportive and has the good dad thing going on.

Then leave baby with family for a day/night if you can and have some couple time NOT talking about the baby.

And boom sex life!

If he can’t give you that time and support then he doesn’t get a wife who wants sex and you certainly don’t force yourself!!

Boysey45 · 01/10/2019 07:58

He sounds really horrible,I'd give very serious consideration to leaving him. In the meantime I would tell him to wank.

Thatsenoughjuststopit · 01/10/2019 08:03

God I could have wrote this post. This was me after my second. this is me 10 yrs on.

We have worked through it and are find but the sex life is minimal/nonexistent. I'm lucky our relationship has survived thankfully.
I hated the idea of going to GP like I needed to be fixed, for me I didn't need fixing it is how I am now it's me I'm different now but like I said luckily our relationship moved with it.

Figure out if you feel it can be fixed it may be due to and or something. Or you may have just changed in which case you will soon see how strong you both are together with out it, not all relationships can survive with out it mind but you need to he honest with yourself.

Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable even trying to fix what can't be fixed.

Thatsenoughjuststopit · 01/10/2019 08:05

Fine not find
PND not and

AmIThough · 01/10/2019 08:11

He needs to realise that until he treats you like woman who's recently carried, birthed and fed his baby, you're not going to want to be anything like intimate with him!

He can't just demand sex when you're tired, aching, stressed and battling with your MH, and expect to not have to do anything else!

PlasticPatty · 01/10/2019 08:18

Split up now, settle yourself away from him. Your life might well improve.

I don't know why people think that if a woman isn't keen to have sex within a few weeks of childbirth, it's a problem. You've got other things on your mind.

incognito76 · 01/10/2019 08:47

Your DP is behaving appallingly, is not being kind or supportive, is pressuring you and making this whole thing all about him. Why are you worried about ‘sounding like a bitch’ when you explain that your PND and the traumatic impact of giving birth on both your body and mind, not to mention caring for a tiny baby with little support, are affecting your libido?

He is an arsehole. He is treating you like shit. He is the problem here, not you. He’s a selfish piece of shit.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 01/10/2019 08:56

He needs to grow the fuck up and stop being a stroppy unhelpful toddler-man.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2019 09:02

I agree with PP - sounds like a self centred arse.

Its not unusual to have this kind of loss of libido after a traumatic birth and PND. His behaving life a self centred sex pest is going to make that worse.

If he won't listen to you you could try to get him to listen to an HCP? Either way you need to think about whether this is a person you want to trust in and share your life with.

Do you have supportive family you can talk to or who can provide some practical help?

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