Unhelpful breastfeeding comments!

[agatharaisinsstillettos]

So DS is 6 days old today, he's gaining weight but we have been struggling with breastfeeding. Despite this I'm battling through and the midwives and breastfeeding support here has been amazing- I've been so lucky. It doesn't help part of my job is breastfeeding support and that means I've put so much pressure on myself.

However, my mother has been so so unsupportive. Some of her comments:

'I'd just give him a bottle' on the poor sleeping for us.
'Oh stop faffing around your upsetting him give him a bottle he's hungry' on me struggling to latch him
'If you give him a bottle then we can help feed him and you will sleep'
'I couldn't breastfeed you were a neonatal baby' that's shit I'm a NICU nurse
'I couldn't breastfeed it interfered with picking your sister up from school and interfered with my life'
'They wouldn't sell formula if it wasn't just as good for them'
'You all grew up fine on formula'

It's not about a formula vs breastfed baby I want to scream at here- we all know a fed baby is best for baby but honestly how about a bit of support and encouragement- and most of all respect for my choices?

I've calmed down a bit now and can see the funny side of some of her comments.

Has anyone else had any funny comments or unsupportive comments?

This is from the woman who after 10
M/c and an ectopic told me to relax and have a cup of tea after sex- that would put me right and to remember the babies I lost clearly had something wrong with them anyway! Like that makes it better!

People are knobheads about breastfeeding.
I've been lucky and had no comments from parents or in-laws. They've all respected my choices. But I've heard from so many friends that people make ridiculous comments.

Just tell her you're raising your baby your way, and while you're grateful for her suggestions, you'll continue to do what you believe is best for you and baby.

Congratulations by the way, and breastfeeding does get easier!

It sounds like she has some negative feelings like guilt over how she fed you? Or is she controlling in other aspects and thinks that 'her way' is always the right way?

I had someone from my nct group saying I was holding the baby wrong when my baby was having a particularly fussy day. It gave me the rage but I didnt say anything.

My mum was the same. I had comments all throughout, “you should give him a bottle of formula at night so he sleeps through, that’s what her next door does, your the only one who doesn’t!” “He’s a big boy he needs formula to fill him up” “I feel sorry for him because you drink coke so it’s all going to come out in the milk” “if people knew you were still bf him they would laugh” (he was 2 When she said the last comment)

I had comments about how your milk must not be enough for him, how hungry he looks, how much easier it would be if we have him bottles full time.

I can look back and smile almost, but I was determined to keep going, we lasted 10.5 months and I'm proud of what I achieved!!

YANBU
It’s not about ff vs bf - it’s about your choice to feed this way. Your DM is out of touch.

Tbh it sounds like you mum is projecting her own insecurities about not having breastfed, she sounds like she's trying to convince herself as much as you. I'd be very clear with her that this is the decision you've made however, as otherwise she'll be the same with other parenting decisions you make that differ from hers.

Oh yes we've had the comments about poor milk supply too despite the fact I have milk in our freezer from 28 weeks and the midwives have been helping me run some milk off to help with matching due to engorgement- but somehow she thinks I don't have enough milk to feed him.

Honestly my 8 year old is rooting crap pun for me more than she is! As is DH!

I had similar comments from my Mil and Sil I just developed filters on my ears.....filtering out what they said and trying to just hear the fact that they cared about me and my baby and however unhelpful the advice was just to smile and ignore. Well done and hang on in there it's early days and it does get easier

You just have to laugh. Her comments seem quite transparent really, she's likely to be threatened that you are making a different choice to the one she did.

If baby is gaining weight at 6 days you're doing beautifully, presumeably you're only a few days past colostrum? I didn't crack breastfeeding for 2 weeks or so, and I still wouldn't say it's easy at 8wks PP. There are so many stories of clinicians struggling themselves with breastfeeding, knowing the theory and putting it into practice with a tiny baby yourself are very different things.

for the stupid MC comments. I had four MCs and the family comments were awful, my favourite was 'get on with it'

Thank you everyone for sharing! Your really making me feel better and for the encouragement

Yep! I was repeatedly told my milk wasn't "enough" and DS needed "topping up" because he was a big baby and often hungry. Felt very satisfied when we had our 6 week check and he'd put on 4lbs and jumped from the 75th to the 91st centile. Not enough eh! Don't think so! Just ignore ignore ignore, you're doing a great job!

Nod, smile and blatantly ignore was my strategy. I also found that the few negative remarks I had tended to be coming from people projecting either their own issues (often guilt tied up with their experiences/trying to justify choices they made that they aren’t comfortable with to prove themselves right..) or pure ignorance. Ignore all, sounds like you’re doing a great job! & Congratulations

My MIL had an thing about breast milk not being 'rich' enough (whatever that means). Apparently that was what she was told when she was feeding DH. Despite my babies putting on weight as they should etc every time they cried she would claim it must be because my milk was not 'rich enough' and would plead with me to give them some formula to top them up. When I had to stop feeding DC2 due to illness she was almost gleeful.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. She obviously feels your choices are a comment on hers. They aren't, they're about you and YOUR baby.

Congrats on baby and well done on bf by the way. Promise it does get easier!

I’ve heard it all before myself. My DM didn’t attempt to breastfeed and she has really weird views about BFing such as it being ‘creepy’ and ‘turns the woman into a prize cow’ . She’s always told me to give my DC some formula to ‘fill them up’ more and said I was making a rod for my own back breastfeeding... sigh.

I have four DC now so learnt to just tell her to shut up.

@lovelygreenjumper

When I had to stop feeding DC2 due to illness she was almost gleeful.

Ugh. I'm so sorry you had to stop feeding before you were ready due to illness. And that you were so badly supported by your MIL who sounds not very nice at all.

Sounds like your mum has some unresolved issues about her own infant feeding experiences that she is strongly projecting onto you and your relationship with your baby. Rise above it. You don't have to bf, but if you choose to not, it should be your choice.

I find the generation and even half generation above don't believe in breast feeding. They didn't see it work to meet a baby's needs and they don't believe it does. Perhaps as more women do .. that might change (one would hope).

I think it can be very emotive because people feel so disturbed at the idea of a baby going hungry, whether they really are or not.

Also some people just want to feed a baby, and you're stopping them - I feel like telling them to get a doll if they want to so much.

To give her the benefit of the doubt (and not knowing how old you are/she is) formula was heavily marketed to new mums in the 60s and 70s as being much better for their babies. Given the still shocking living conditions and diets of many then, it may well have been.

Sorry, obviously there were exceptions but in my be k of the woods, during the 60s, 70s and 80s, so stones even 90s - most women just did not breastfeed. My mum and sister could not support and were actually an obstacle to me breastfeeding (I only ended up combined feeding fir various reasons).

By the way, as your babies get older other mothers will also start with this - can't tell you at how many baby groups etc I've started breastfeeding and other women start defensively telling me about why they have either chosen or been forced to formula feed, as if I've challenged them on it... After 6 months, one is made to feel like breastfeeding at all is making some sort of a statement/judgement on others. So well worth practicing your smile/nod/ignores now!

I hate the bottle at night so they sleep through comments. It’s actually dangerous. Babies wake up for a reason and it prevents SIDS. Their tummies are literally the size of a marble at that age!

I don’t think you should ignore it- put her straight. Honestly, it sounds like she is projecting guilt from not feeding you so feels she has to defend her choices. I do think if you haven’t breastfed - or just didn’t want to then you can’t understand what it’s like. My DH encouraged me to give up and he couldn’t understand why I wanted to feed DD so much. It didn’t help that we thought she was too hungry when in fact she was just clusterfeeding and had a dairy allergy. They don’t tell you that stuff in NCT!

Keep going and congratulations on your little one. Breastfeeding is hard at first but it really does get easier.

My mum was exactly the same when I had DD, I ended up lasting 5 days as I was in so much pain and the negative comments got to me. Due DC2 in a few weeks and feel positive about breastfeeding but dreading the comments again!

"Tbh it sounds like you mum is projecting her own insecurities about not having breastfed, she sounds like she's trying to convince herself as much as you"

I totally agree with this, people's comments are so often more about making themselves feel better than about anything you're doing.

It's hard. Everyone has an opinion when it comes to pregnancy and babies and it's so annoying sometimes. I've had some awful comments and it can be hard to listen to.

Congratulations on your lovely baby and doing so well with feeding!

You know her comments are about her. I was bf and my mum has been very supportive but she had the same response from her own mum who hadn’t and was very snippy and defensive about it.

My milk didn’t come in for 5 days after an exciting delivery but my baby still thrived and we’re going strong at over 6 months. It gets so much quicker and easier. I can reach over, pick her up, pop her on and nod off with my eyes pretty much closed now. A far cry from the awkward two handed malarkey of the first couple of weeks trying to wrangle a tiny baby and mega boobs over a huge CS scar which gave me a stiff neck and kept me on the sofa for hours on end. We were both learning what to do and once we got the hang of it it got easier and easier.

Think about how this experience will help all the women you support in future