Unhelpful breastfeeding comments!

[agatharaisinsstillettos]

So DS is 6 days old today, he's gaining weight but we have been struggling with breastfeeding. Despite this I'm battling through and the midwives and breastfeeding support here has been amazing- I've been so lucky. It doesn't help part of my job is breastfeeding support and that means I've put so much pressure on myself.

However, my mother has been so so unsupportive. Some of her comments:

'I'd just give him a bottle' on the poor sleeping for us.
'Oh stop faffing around your upsetting him give him a bottle he's hungry' on me struggling to latch him
'If you give him a bottle then we can help feed him and you will sleep'
'I couldn't breastfeed you were a neonatal baby' that's shit I'm a NICU nurse
'I couldn't breastfeed it interfered with picking your sister up from school and interfered with my life'
'They wouldn't sell formula if it wasn't just as good for them'
'You all grew up fine on formula'

It's not about a formula vs breastfed baby I want to scream at here- we all know a fed baby is best for baby but honestly how about a bit of support and encouragement- and most of all respect for my choices?

I've calmed down a bit now and can see the funny side of some of her comments.

Has anyone else had any funny comments or unsupportive comments?

This is from the woman who after 10
M/c and an ectopic told me to relax and have a cup of tea after sex- that would put me right and to remember the babies I lost clearly had something wrong with them anyway! Like that makes it better!

You are not alone op!

I've had:

The constant "when are you stopping?" from when ds was 4 weeks' old. Even the more direct "maybe you should stop"

"Once you've got breastfeeding out of the way..." (what a sentence starter!)

"I bought this bottle warmer for you. I know you're planning to breastfeed once baby is born but trust me you'll have to use this at some stage" (I'm 14 months in and it's just gathered dust!)

When my baby was 4 months old and on the big side my friend made a hilarious joke out of me "breastfeeding him too much"

I know it's hard but try to ignore the bullshit if you can. I absolutely love breastfeeding and am proud of my achievement, despite every negative comment.

(Also interesting to note - the grand total of 2 people said something positive.)

@Stuckinanutshell I'm sorry you didn't get the breastfeeding experience that you wanted. It must be really hard with a premature baby. You did a great job expressing for 6 months! That's tough!

But I don't think the OP was criticising women of NICU babies who don't breastfeed. Merely saying that it's not a foregone conclusion if your baby is in the NICU that you won't be able to breastfeed.

Also, "I don’t think you really need the support of the family" I have to disagree with. You absolutely do need supportive people around you and sometimes it makes the difference between reaching your breastfeeding goals or not. An unsupportive partner is a big factor in women giving up before they wanted to.

Tell her "mum, people have been doing this for centuries! It's completely normal to be difficult for the first few weeks, so just support me until I get through that"

@AlmostAlwyn that's what I meant, I was just on a rant so I do apologise.

Excellent advice from everyone! And thanks again for sharing

My baby my boobs!

You know what's best for you and your baby. Sometimes people get so fixated in what they did they don't really think about the alternatives as what they did worked for them.

My MIL was really supportive about the breastfeeding itself but evacuated the room every time I needed to feed. Not just went out herself, cleared the room of all family! I get that she was trying to give me privacy but I was more than happy feeding out and about etc. It really didn't bother me.

I'm due my second shortly and expect the same thing will happen!

I thought my own mother was onside, but she thought it was unnecessary and ridiculous to feed beyond six months. Mine all weaned themselves at around two years. And I can never forget watching MiL, with her last, late baby making up a feed, measuring the powder with great care, adding the water and then at the last popping in a big spoonful of sugar, 'To make baby drink it all up.'!

You carry right on and tune out all the flak. Baby is gaining weight so everything is fine!

My baby had IUGR and was only 4lbs when he was born at 38 weeks. He was in the Neonatal Unit for just over two weeks due to various complications. His Consultants stressed the importance of him being breastfed so there was a lot of pressure on me to perserve no matter what. He had difficulty latching and was slow to gain weight but his Consultants were happy enough with his progress. He needed to be weighed every 2 days at home by a Health Visitor for the first few months and every time she came she used to make me feel like I was really failing him and always said I should just 'top him up' with formula. This phrase started to give me the uncontrollable rage after a while because I was struggling so hard to do what I was told was best for my little boy. I made it to just over 4 months of exclusively breast feeding until one visit when he hadn't put much weight on at all and she made me feel really guilty so I started combination feeding him. When I saw his Consultant he said that slow progress was normal for a baby with IUGR and that I didn't need to do that but I felt I had been driven to it. I managed to continue combination feeding until he was a year old and he has made good progress with his weight. I can't begin to tell you how hard the journey with breastfeeding was though. When his weight started to improve my mum made comments like 'oh I guess you weren't making enough milk for him' and 'he must have been so small because he was hungry all the time'. It was always so hard to know what to do for the best and that was definitely the start of the mum guilt rollercoaster ride!

My mum sounded like that. I think she was trying to reassure me it would be OK if I couldn't breastfeed, along with her own guilt (I was in NICU for weeks and she definitely couldn't bf being in a different hospital 50 miles away!)

Got a fair amount of 'are you sure you want to do this' as I struggled for some weeks.
By 6 months I'd mastered bf and ds was a perfectly happy chubby baby, and mum started telling all her friends that breastfeeding is wonderful and all their daughters ought to be doing it...

I fed mine for over a year and got various comments asking if I wasn't worried about what other people would say. Not the questioner, of course they were fine with it, just concerned about others, honest...

I think it does help to have support. My husband was supportive and my mil bf him and his siblings. My mum though wasn’t and asks about it every week with both my boys. I bf my first for 2.5 years months before I had his brother and then proceeded to feed his brother who I’m still nursing and he is two today. Even when I stopped when I was pregnant with my second she asked if I was going to nurse him and for how long.
She ignored the fact that our oldest would either get constipated or vomit after having formula for the first nine month. Decided to exclusively breastfeed his brother in case the same happened with him.

She had tried with me but couldn’t due to the meds she was on. Both my sister and I were 2 months early due to pre-eclampsia. I ignore her which is easy since she lives 4,000 miles away. I’m happy with my choices so no idea why she won’t let this go especially when it has nothing to do with her or effect her in any way.

A lot of people who didn't breastfeed themselves have baggage about it and seem to resent other women doing it. Its projection of their own issues.

Also there are some extended family members who resent not being able to feed the baby, the "Sharon next door had her grandchildren overnight from 6 weeks but selfish cow DIL insists on breastfeeding so I can't" types.

All you can do is tune these people out.

Sometimes when you do something different, parents take it as a criticism of what they did. A couple of comments to say don’t worry, if you’re struggling formula is ok would be fine. But, if you’re wanting to persevere and the baby is gaining weight you’re doing fine so she’s being very in helpful.

It sounds like you are doing great OP and she sounds tactless and like she's projecting. The sooner you get used to tuning it out the better. The unhelpful comments and unwanted and incorrect advice about breastfeeding are often followed by comments on how you should be weaning early, sleep training/letting baby cry, how you're 'spoiling' baby by carrying him in a sling and so on. Some people just get very defensive if you choose to parent differently from them.

@WorriedFTM1 sounds like you did such a great job feeding your baby for so long under such pressure! Sounds like your consultant really knew what they were talking about, but when another health professional sees you almost every day and says the complete opposite, it's really hard to argue with!

Health visitors should be expertly trained in breastfeeding, but so often give out out-dated or inaccurate information. It's really frustrating! It's enough to send even the more confident woman out for the bottles and formula when the HVs are so insistent

@lovelygreenjumper lol mine was the opposite by a great aunt who's never had children telling me oh that milk is too rich for him-how can it be it's my milk?oh yes it's too rich that's why he was sick-a tiny bit of puke?and everytime he cried oh hes hungry-Err dont you think if my child was hungry I'd be feeding them?and DS is a big lad always get asked are you feeding him?(only 4months old) no-are you breastfeeding him?-Yes-Oh that's why.
Why does it matter we all are different shapes and sizes I wouldn't turn to someone in the street and say-oohh you're a bit fat arent you?