Unhelpful breastfeeding comments!

[agatharaisinsstillettos]

So DS is 6 days old today, he's gaining weight but we have been struggling with breastfeeding. Despite this I'm battling through and the midwives and breastfeeding support here has been amazing- I've been so lucky. It doesn't help part of my job is breastfeeding support and that means I've put so much pressure on myself.

However, my mother has been so so unsupportive. Some of her comments:

'I'd just give him a bottle' on the poor sleeping for us.
'Oh stop faffing around your upsetting him give him a bottle he's hungry' on me struggling to latch him
'If you give him a bottle then we can help feed him and you will sleep'
'I couldn't breastfeed you were a neonatal baby' that's shit I'm a NICU nurse
'I couldn't breastfeed it interfered with picking your sister up from school and interfered with my life'
'They wouldn't sell formula if it wasn't just as good for them'
'You all grew up fine on formula'

It's not about a formula vs breastfed baby I want to scream at here- we all know a fed baby is best for baby but honestly how about a bit of support and encouragement- and most of all respect for my choices?

I've calmed down a bit now and can see the funny side of some of her comments.

Has anyone else had any funny comments or unsupportive comments?

This is from the woman who after 10
M/c and an ectopic told me to relax and have a cup of tea after sex- that would put me right and to remember the babies I lost clearly had something wrong with them anyway! Like that makes it better!

My family - Mum, dad, 2 sisters - were completely like this. So many comments about why not a bottle, bf was disgusting, it’s too hard, it’s stopping baby sleeping etc etc
I got less comments by the second baby at least!

I'd always launch into a mini lecture about the benefits of breastfeeding. For example do you know if the baby gets a bug, your body detects it in the baby's saliva and makes the antibody in your milk - so the baby never gets sick.

Breastmilk also has stuff in it which is not for your baby at all, but food for the good bacteria in your baby's gut, thus helping them establish a good immune system.

On the other hand I think there should be a neat 'breast is best' style slogan that says 'the benefits of breastfeeding are sometimes outweighed by the stress it can cause and it's ok to stop whenever you want'.

Women used to be told to feed babies every four hours for ten mins on each side. That often wasn't enough, so the perception grew that milk wasn't sufficient/as good as formula.

My partner omg it's our first baby together, he has two others from a previous relationship as do I I tried to breastfeed my other two managed 6 weeks with my first and four months with my second. My current little one is 13 days old and lost just 5% of her birth weight but had only out back on 20g at 11 days (weighing again today to see if she's out on more as have been waking and feeding every 3 hours for the last 48 hours) cue the we should just giver her formula, I want to be able to feed her, see I knew she wasn't getting enough you can't tell how much she's getting with breast... 🙄 Now I always said I'd breast feed and he said he respected that but the little comments omg. Honestly makes me even more determined to breast feed for a full 12 months! You're doing great mumma keep going and ignore the unsupportive comments

All this ‘give them a bottle and they’ll sleep through’

At 12 weeks mine was entirely bottle fed by that point. Didn’t sleep through.

Still doesn’t sleep through AT FOUR.

Clearly this child hasn’t read the book.

😂

I had the opposite to many pp - I had to do formula top ups with dc1 due to jaundice, huge weight loss and a medical low milk supply issue. Every time MIL came round and saw a bottle she said 'do you have to do that' or 'youre not still giving bottles are you'. She acted like I was being too lazy to fully bf when in fact it was breaking me emotionally that I couldn't.

Aaaargh. I had this from my mum, (, though not nearly as bad) a gentle story or suggestion about a friend who bottle fed her baby at night and it slept through. That he may be hungry.

Apparently their generation (in general) weren't encouraged or educated to feed on demand, particularly in the first three weeks. Often they were told to stick to a schedule, or bottle feed (which is fine but apparently in order to get a good constabulary supply, that third week is essential). This meant their milk supply never fully established, and perhaps their babies were then hungry. They see breastfeeding in a totally different light based on their ill informed experience (not their fault of course, and not the only factor at play).

But it don't me mad as it heavily implies youre doing something wrong for your baby, by not giving them quite enough nutrients.

My MIL is a nightmare, not only do her and FIL insist on leaving the room when I’m feeding and standing in the hallway and continuing to talk but she repeatedly tells me baby won’t sleep if breastfed, which is bizarre as she knows dd1 slept through at 6 weeks and dd2 has slept through since 7 weeks and both of them have been exclusively breastfed

You're doing a brilliant job OP! Congratulations! I had a lot of "oh just give him a bottle!" "He's starving, you need to top him up!" Etc, off my HV, she wasn't much cop. It grated and I was more determined to prove her wrong in the end.

Unfortunately people will always have something to say about how you choose your baby in my experience. My mum and MIL breastfed 8 kids between them with no issues so were both very supportive when I had my son and breastfed.

However from 8/9months onwards I was asked when I would be stopping, 'surely you don't need to do that now', 'you'll turn him into a mummy's boy'. He self weaned at around 16months which wouldn't even really be considered extended breastfeeding, and I was glad it was on his terms and very sad about it. He is a mummys boy though .

*choose to feed! Not choose your baby!

My niece was premature (34 weeks) and it was the neonatal nurses who made these comments. They used to terrify my sister and tell her that the work of trying to get latched on is making her lose weight!

I'd tell your mum that if you plan to mix feed or formula feed, you'll let her know. Until then, all should assume the baby can only feed on the breast.

I’ve had loads of comments, thankfully not from family but friends and colleagues.

I think a lot of it is down to my friends not being mature enough yet to understand it (I’m 23 so the first of my friends to have a baby) but I’m a nursery nurse so I hate it when my colleagues make comments as I feel they should be much more supportive of breastfeeding! With them I think it comes from the fact that all of them bottle fed their children - which isn’t any of my business and doesn’t bother me in the slightest it’s a personal choice - but I just wish I wasn’t put down for making my choice for my baby.

Anyway, despite that dd is nearly a year and is still exclusively breast fed and I’m bloody proud of that achievement! It’s not been easy - especially the newborn stage and returning to work - but I’m so so glad I preserved! You’ll get there OP, just ignore the comments and remember why you’ve chosen breastfeed - and be proud of each dang every day you persevere 😊

Yes!

Pretty much all of what your DM said, my DM has said and I'm on child three. EVERY time she sees me 'you still feeding him?' In a sniffy tone. I know she thinks it's bonkers and I suspect she thinks it's disgusting. It's very wearing.

Just ignore, had the same from my mum. Takes 2-4 weeks to really settle in but then it's so much easier than formula and free

I had “breastfeeding is unladylike” and at the same time it’s “anti-feminist” because the dad can’t feed the baby too. Right, because feeding is the ONLY thing a baby needs... 🙄

There are people who just can't stand exclusive bf, whether their own insecurities, or just not liking seeing it out and about etc .

I had friends who were baffled by my dedicated pumping for my premie (hellooooo I've got tons of milk, why would I let her tiny immature tum struggle with formula )...

I had friends who seemed determined for me to use a bottle in any form, when they realised I had no reason to use formula, they switched to suggesting I express so I could use bottles when out. I couldnt be bothered!

Luckily both mum & Mil bucked the trend among 80s mums by bfing all their kids, and were quietly encouraging when I needed it, as was DH.

@ChilledBee I am sorry for your sister that really shouldn't have happened!

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences

I have been fairly blunt about breastfeeding, why it's been important to me to do it in public to help normalise it, etc. so haven't had comments from family much. However, now he is 11 months there is a bit of "I don't know how you do it now he has teeth!" and "Are you STILL breastfeeding?" going on.

I have been mixed feeding since 4 months (a bottle before bed, or if I have left him for a few hours). This confuses people as there is nothing to pick on...

My mum said she hoped I wouldn't breastfeed this baby (currently 28w pregnant) as she's sure that's why my older 2 year old is so clingy with me.

MIL told me that breast feeding 'wasn't natural'. I ignored her as she also told me that I should be feeding oyster milk (I think she might have meant Oster milk, but honestly, she could have meant oyster milk, who can tell?) and giving my newborn baby, just a week or so old, baby rice in a bottle. Every cliche going. TBF, she was as mad as a box of frogs even on a good day, so she could have believed everything she said. When XH was 3, he fell and broke his thigh and she left him lying on the floor for 3 hours until FIL came home and told her what to do...

I should have run much longer, much faster and much sooner than I did.

I don't know why the tiptoeing around your Mum's feelings is required. A nice, curt, "F- OFF, MOTHER!" Will do the trick quite nicely.
Sounds like you could do without her particular style of 'support' anyway.

I'm a mum of 3 had exactly the same comments from both my own mum and my mother in law the first two times. They were so unsupportive they went as far as saying my eldest suffered from allergies because I bf. Had my third recently and chose to bf again after struggling initially all is going well. However this time they couldn't care less still get comments about stuff but apparently bf is the best for baby now all because my sis in law breastfed her first for a year and obviously she can't do any wrong so it must be best.

It still annoys me how they take the odd dig here and there but I've fu ally managed to tell them to just but out of my business if they can't be supportive keep comments to themselves.

My DM I think made comments so I didn’t feel upset if I couldn’t bf - more along the lines that bf is hard for some and has its drawbacks. Thankfully I could bf DS for a year and now bf DD. My MIL would make comments about ‘other mothers’ she saw bf and them not covering up etc. I just nodded and carried on with what I’m doing - she’s a bit of tit (pun intended)

'I couldn't breastfeed you were a neonatal baby' that's shit I'm a NICU nurse’

As a Nicu nurse you’ll know then that some women despite trying until they sob, cannot breastfeed. I wasn’t able to with my prem baby and had to express for 6 months - it’s a constant source of upset.

Ironic that your complaint also inadvertently shames others.

But going back to your point - breastfeeding is your choice and your journey and you should proceed as you want to. I don’t think you really need the support of the family just tell them you’re breastfeeding and that’s that.

When I had my first baby, my mom, my Nan and my auntie (all on my mom’s side of the family) were very unsupportive about me breast feeding. They made comments to me each time I saw them to downplay breast feeding and to try and make me feel bad about choosing to breast feed instead of formula feed. They had so many negative things to say, I got a verbal battering on the matter every time I saw them so eventually I just stopped visiting them because I couldn’t cope with it anymore.

Incidentally they had all tried to breast feed themselves but hadn’t been successful.

I breast fed my first for 2.5 years and you can imagine what kind of comments they directed to me about that....

I’m now breast feeding my second child and this time round they’ve kept silent because they know I’ve got a bit of a backbone this time round and wouldn’t dare say anything to me because they know they wouldn’t get a good response

The son I’m currently feeding is 2 years old and they haven’t even made a comment about that although I’m sure they’re disgusted on the inside.

YANBU OP - negative comments are not helpful at all and can be incredibly damaging to your confidence.

I really struggled to establish feeding with both of my children and my midwife told me I should surround myself with people who were supportive and encouraging and avoid everyone else.

Keep going OP and try not to let their comments get you down. And congratulations on your new baby