Unhelpful breastfeeding comments!

[agatharaisinsstillettos]

So DS is 6 days old today, he's gaining weight but we have been struggling with breastfeeding. Despite this I'm battling through and the midwives and breastfeeding support here has been amazing- I've been so lucky. It doesn't help part of my job is breastfeeding support and that means I've put so much pressure on myself.

However, my mother has been so so unsupportive. Some of her comments:

'I'd just give him a bottle' on the poor sleeping for us.
'Oh stop faffing around your upsetting him give him a bottle he's hungry' on me struggling to latch him
'If you give him a bottle then we can help feed him and you will sleep'
'I couldn't breastfeed you were a neonatal baby' that's shit I'm a NICU nurse
'I couldn't breastfeed it interfered with picking your sister up from school and interfered with my life'
'They wouldn't sell formula if it wasn't just as good for them'
'You all grew up fine on formula'

It's not about a formula vs breastfed baby I want to scream at here- we all know a fed baby is best for baby but honestly how about a bit of support and encouragement- and most of all respect for my choices?

I've calmed down a bit now and can see the funny side of some of her comments.

Has anyone else had any funny comments or unsupportive comments?

This is from the woman who after 10
M/c and an ectopic told me to relax and have a cup of tea after sex- that would put me right and to remember the babies I lost clearly had something wrong with them anyway! Like that makes it better!

I had the exact same from MIL she constantly tried to convince me to use formula even though I was overproducing milk. I eventually had to stop expressing when she put Infacol in the milk and it turned it. She said "I might as well give it to her" DD never had Colic and I told her as much!

My mil was like that; every time I talked about finding it hard she’d say about the bottle until I just wanted to scream at her.

DD is now 18 months and still breastfeeding!

Can you say “Muuuum you’re projecting again” or will she go mad? Might be worth it tho...

Oh you've all made me feel so much better! Thank you- I'm glad my mum isn't just one on her own.

I would stay away from her for a few weeks, until you feel like you've got BF sorted, and tell her why. She sounds awful. You're doing amazingly OP.

Oh iif I challenged her or said anything at all she would get all offended and say I'm throwing her help in her face, I'm easily offended etc, she didn't mean it like that- you get the idea!

"'I couldn't breastfeed you were a neonatal baby' that's shit I'm a NICU nurse"

If you're past your mid 20's, then the likelihood was that there was no support and some of what your mother is saying was said to her by even consultants.

I hady first in 1985, there was no support or what we now know is right information. I got a little advice from another mother on the ward. I was even getting negative comments at the anti-natal clinic from HVs etc. I ended up with the attitude that if they could be rude, so could i.

But be straight with your Mother that you don't appreciate it.

My Dad did suggest once it would be easier to bottle feed as I would know how much she was getting, no weight concerns with baby. To be fair to him my older sister and I were bottle feed and I know my Dad did all the night feeds with me so he had no other experience.

I was told I would need to find somewhere in the park to feed the baby so the children wouldn’t see me naked by my own 3 year old. She soon changed her mind when he realised I could feed baby and push her on the swing.

People are idiots about breastfeeding. It's so difficult when you are struggling and hormonally vulnerable. Keep going I promise if does get easier

'You seem so obsessed by breastfeeding mum, it seems to really touch a nerve, would it help if you didn't visit so much right now?'

6 days is such early days you just need to close your ears and focus on the useful help. Many many babies dont get it sorted for a month, be patient. Sometimes there are indications that a baby might need an occasional bottle in extreme circumstances ( eg losing so much weight that she hasnt the energy to feed) but your health professionals would be alert to this and it is not that common. Keep going and keep an open mind. They mean well and aften have not breast fed so dont understand that it is often not instant and easy

Huge congrats OP, you're doing a brilliant job! It's not easy! The Positive Breastfeeding book is amazing, and worth a read, if you're after more positive, supporting information! Loads of skin to skin, rest when you can, and lots of love to you

People get so vocal about breast feeding, it's really strange that they feel it's ok to comment anything other than 'well done' or 'you're doing great'. Stand your ground, you're doing great! You know what's best for your baby.

My mum was great when I had DD, but my grandma felt the need to give her 'advice' which included:
'Well, with mine I only had to ooo (touched boob) and i could fill a jug! You're obviously not making enough'
'You're milk isn't enough if she's hungry again. Mine only fed every 4 hours'
'Just go and get a bottle ready and I'll feed her. Put a rusk in it too'
'She isn't big enough, it's because your milk isn't enough. Some people just can't do it'

I managed to stay polite and point out my supply was just fine thanks, DD had gone from 25th to 75th centile so she was getting plenty and things have changed since the 50s and 60s- I was demand feeding not timing and no, I would give a 5 week old rusk! When we did introduce bottles I made sure only me, dh or my mum gave her one for a good while.

DC2 is arriving soon and it's already started, 'you're bottle feeding aren't you? You can't be messing around when you've got DD'... we're trying so hard to stay polite already!

@Informationvstrust

Thanks- I think my MIL's attitude was motivated partly by wanting me to do exactly what she did and partly because she wanted to be able to feed the baby. We had a similar issue when I went back to work- constant comments about how she would never have been able to leave her baby etc etc- no idea that this might be upsetting for me or that perhaps my decision to go back to work was to make sure we could pay the mortgage etc rather than lack of love for my child.

Congratulations on your baby. It sounds like you’re doing so well in difficult circumstances.

I think you just can’t win. My first children were twins and breastfeeding didn’t work out. I felt terrible about that, and it wasn’t helped by my dad making comments about breastfeeding being better, and how brilliant my stepsister was for breastfeeding. She had a feeding cushion with straps that went over her shoulders, so she could walk around and feed at the same time. My dad thought she was incredible for not only breastfeeding but also being up and active at the same time.

My third is now nine months old and she has been an absolute dream to feed from the start. And for the past three months he’s been making comments about it being time to wean her off breast milk now. I think the best thing you can do is just ignore and brush off the comments. The first time around I was so upset by his comments. This time, he said ‘Maybe she’s ready to wean’ and I thought of a big explanation about why she wasn’t and then just said, ‘No, she isn’t’. And that was the end of the conversation.

My daughter's paternal grandfather complained when I fed her upstairs as he didn't "see why" she couldn't have her bottle downstairs (she was 4 days old so breatdeeding wasn't really established) When my Mum explained that I was feeding her myself, they tutted and stated that they had bottle-fed their son in the 1970s so why couldn't I use the same method? I suspect that even if his mother had attempted breastfeeding, she would have soon been dissuaded.

Congratulations and it sounds like you're doing an amazing job!
My mum was the same, and still is actually almost 6 months on! My mum always used to make comments like 'you wouldn't have this problem if you were bottle feeding' if DS was being particularly fussy or if i mentioned how much he'd been up in the night.
Absolutely infuriated me and i knew she really wanted to be the one to give DS a bottle.
6 months on and we're still breast feeding and intend to for a long while yet! I just ignore the comments now and do an exaggerated eye roll and she normally stops!
Good luck, feeding gets so much easier the longer you do it!

Sounds like you're doing a great job despite all these silly comments!

My mum was really supportive (former breastfeeding counsellor), but my Gran (mum's mum) took me aside when my baby was a couple of months old and said that I was feeding him too often and that his tummy needed time to "rest" I just made non-committal noises and she said "well, it's something to think about". Needless to say, I didn't take her advice, and found out later that she'd also had a quiet word with DH and said the same thing! That was her only comment though, thankfully!

My mother was the same. Different comments. But all about her and her insecurities. Mind you everything always is all about my mother. Her milk apparently dried up at 6 weeks. I can’t imagine it did, rather she thought she didn’t have enough at the 6 week growth spurt . There wasn’t the information out there as to how much to feed when I was a baby. Rather like there wasn’t information out there for your mum when she had you as a neo natal.

The best response is along the lines of “thanks for your advice mum, I’ll bear that in mind”. I breastfed dd for over 2 years.

Agree that your mother probably feels guilty about not being able to breastfeed and is projecting onto you. I was lucky in that my mum fed me herself for 1 yr which was rare in the 70s, hence my confidence in feeding my two myself. My MIL on the other hand gave me a few unfair comments (my favourite being: 'I thought babies were hungry until the milk came in') and generally made me feel like I was a martyr for doing such a horrible thing ('must be so tiring') but on reflection it's possible that my feeding choices made her question her own, and made her feel guilty.

Meant to add: well done OP, you are doing a grand job

Like everyone else has already said, this is clearly about her feelings about not having breastfed her babies - not really about you at all.

Can you see a bit less of her until you have feeding established? Or otherwise put DH on comment-deflection duty? It's the last thing you need when you're struggling to get feeding going.

Congratulations on your baby, and good luck with it all!

I think I was lucky because my family didn't really make comments like these, my ex's mum though did keep saying "You need to be a really patient person to do that, I couldn't, I'm not patient enough" I didn't find it especially patience requiring, at least not past the early hurdles.

But I do think these comments can be really damaging and unhelpful - and if you're not really confident in yourself because perhaps you're not very familiar with BF they can be so undermining. That's what people mean when they say we live in an anti-breastfeeding culture, and people really do start to doubt themselves or stop feeding because of these comments. It's a shame IMO.