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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to have made DS go to school this morning?

109 replies

BloodSugar · 30/09/2019 08:54

He is yr10. 14.

Last year he said so many times that he felt sick, had been sick, had the runs in the morning. I would believe him and by 10am the act had faded and he was sat happily watching TV and eating cereal.

Many times I would send him in and I would get a call from the school office and they would say he's been sick and can I come collect him.

Last night I heard him wretching on the bathroom, loud and dramatically. His father did too. I just ignored him as its Sunday night and I knew what was coming.

He didn't mention being sick.

Sure enough this morning he starts with the 'runs' story.

I tell him no, he is going in. Not to call the office and ask me to collect him. I won't be.

Lots of tears.

He went to school.

Please note that last Monday we had the same thing and he came home at 3.30pm bright as a button and went out to play with his mates.

I have talked to him about school, if there's anything wrong, any issues. He insists there aren't just sometimes he just doenst want to go and wants to stay home. I've explained this isn't possible and I get in trouble if his attendance isn't good and it's important now he is in Yr 10 not to kiss any time off. I told him we are aiming for 100% attendance this year as last year his was 'poor'.

WIBU to send him in?

Now the guilt is creeping in. But I am 99% sure it was all Bullshit. Especially with the theatrics in the bathroom last night.

I'm also thinking of calling the school and having a meet g with the attendance officer about it.

OP posts:

Windygate · 30/09/2019 10:20

Bloodsugar his father could have spoken to you if he thought DS was actually ill. I think it's more likely that your bright and savvy son has sussed out your trigger buttons and is pushing him.
You did the right thing, a chat with the attendance officer might be a good thing.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 30/09/2019 10:20

My brother used to do this. Every Sunday night, without fail. But he used to work himself up into such a state that he really was sick. The last time he ever did it he threw up absolutely everywhere. All over the bathroom, landing and stairs. He must have run around whilst still being sick. Instead of getting his anticipated sympathy my parents were absolutely furious. Threatened to have him admitted to hospital for tests there and then as clearly there was “something wrong” with his digestive system every Sunday night.

He never ever did it again.

PuppyMonkey · 30/09/2019 10:22

I think in your shoes, OP, I would go down the "right, we're going to have to escalate this issue" route. Tell him you're booking him in with the doctor and he'll have to have some nice intrusive investigations (I know you say you don't want to waste a GP's time, but I would be interested to see what DS' reaction to such talk would be). Also, see what he says if you talk about arranging a meeting at school and/or ringing the School Nurse team.

It might knock him into shape and he'll stop doing it because he realises he's been busted. Alternatively, he might tell you "yes please I do need this' - in which case, follow it through.

Hotsummerplease · 30/09/2019 10:23

You were definitely not wrong for sending him in. I'm am going through exactly the same problems with my DS 11. He has been thoroughly physically checked and it's has been confirmed by a child psychiatrist as anxiety. We have his first appointment for CBT this week. The symptoms to my DS are very physically real, especially if he gets very worked up. He feels sick, gets bad tummy ache and goes to the toilet, or feels he needs it alot. This has been going on since may, triggered by a specific incident relating to the toilet, but is now a general anxiety about the whole day. Some days are worse than others. Some days he feels sick all day until he gets home where naturally he relaxes and feels better. Other days if he's v busy and engaged in whatever is going on he can be fine. Having suffered from panic attacks myself I know it is very important to do exactly what you are supposed to do every day, otherwise the anxiety gets worse. I have sent DS in every day to school, some days feeling like the most horrible mum ever, but I know it's right. OP please look in to it being anxiety. The link between the brain and physical reaction with the stomach/bowel is very strong.

singymummy · 30/09/2019 10:27

If he says he's ill in the morning even if he does go to school he shouldn't be allowed out after school IMO.
Being naturally intelligent doesn't mean he isn't finding school difficult or getting anxiety There's a pressure to having things "come easy"

LeavesAreBrown · 30/09/2019 10:29

Personally I think you need to get to the root of what is causing him to want to do this and look to address the issue

AJPTaylor · 30/09/2019 10:29

Sounds like he is bored and unchallenged.i means who wants to go in those circumstances?

Original poster

BloodSugar · 30/09/2019 10:29

Christ I've just been looking at private counselling costs to try and establish if he has anxiety issues.

50 quid a session. Can't afford that :(

OP posts:

Lunafortheloveogod · 30/09/2019 10:30

I’d firstly talk to him about anxiety asking if it’s a problem, does his stomach play up when he’s nervous etc.. take him to the gp, perhaps let him talk to the doctor himself? Maybe he doesn’t want to tell you that he doesn’t know how he got into the top sets either and he’s struggling?

We've almost all pulled the odd sicky as a kid, as others have said keep sick days boring.. we only got to watch what our grandparents watched, many hours of black n white westerns or the antiques roadshow, so if we weren’t sick we were bored to tears.
And we’ve probably all had an illness that wasn’t believed/sent to school when we shouldn’t have. I still remember my granny picking me up from school and marching me into the gp cursing my dm the whole time because I’d gone from “my throats sore I feel sick” to ghastly, projectile vomiting, fainting etc.. she couldn’t believe I’d been sent in that state (which I wasn’t obviously)

Interestedwoman · 30/09/2019 10:34

I'm not earning and I prioritize therapy (mine is actually more expensive than that) because I need to. It's worth it once you find the right one, I promise you. The sooner you nip this in the bud with a child, any MH or behavioural issues, the less likely he is to suffer with MH issues in later life.

Also, if you see your GP, he will eventually get on a waiting list to see someone to talk about it.

If you speak to the school they might be able to arrange someone for him to talk about it with too, at the very least he'll quickly get to see a guidance counsellor or something.

mankyfourthtoe · 30/09/2019 10:35

Talk to his head of year or pastoral care. Ask if there are any issues and make them aware that he's having issues. Although he's saying he just wasn't to be at home, that's not right.
I'd tell school and him you will always send him in as his sickness and runs are down to nerves and that you appreciate a phone call to say he's not been well he needs to be in class learning. Obviously if someone has seen him being obviously ill you will be happy to collect.
If he comes home and is Ill then he needs to be in bed, no internet or tv, no going out. Boring as hell!

Original poster

BloodSugar · 30/09/2019 10:38

Interested I'm on disability benefits. I don't have a spare 50 quid.
I will approach the GP but from what I've been reading things have to be pretty severe to get a referral and it can take a very long time.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 30/09/2019 10:39

My son had a lot of trouble with anxiety in school - couldn't stand being tested in any way. In the end we had an agreement that if he felt too stressed to go, he'd tell me that truthfully, and he'd be allowed a couple such days off school per year. This was quite helpful, as he used to fake headaches, and that stopped, so I didn't have to worry about that aspect of his health. Instead, we were able to discuss what it was that was stressing him, and in fact he'd often feel better after the discussion and be able to go in after all. Plus I think it just helped to know that I was on his side and understood his problems.

At the same time, after several attempts, we found a therapist that was really helpful, taught him some ways to manage his fears and gave him greater confidence. Like you, I was familiar with anxiety myself and it has been great to see him able to cope better than me at that age. He got through school with pretty decent marks in the end

PuppyMonkey · 30/09/2019 10:40

I would definitely try the School Nurse Team, OP. They deal with anxiety and mental health issues for all pupils at school. Your school will have the details or Google "School Nurse Team Cheshire" or wherever you are.

Timandra · 30/09/2019 10:40

Life is difficult. Work is difficult. Relationships are different.

You don't get to just check out and stay at home.

You need to tread carefully. If you don't, you may find out that this is exactly what children end up doing when their anxiety becomes so much that they can't manage school.

Talk to him in a way that helps him to open up. He may not recognise the feelings he has as anxiety and he may be feeling awful about needing to pretend to be ill to avoid school. Don't sit him down and just expect him to open up. Do something with him, shoulder to shoulder, not face to face.

Keep him doing activities that help him feel successful and support his self-esteem. That includes meeting up with his school friends outside school time even if he hasn't attended. Having strong peer relationships can be an important factor in a child's ability to attend school.

If anxiety is the issue, he may be only able to keep attending by the skin o his teeth at the moment. Sanctions and criticism from you could be enough to tip him over into being unable to attend at all.

mankyfourthtoe · 30/09/2019 10:41

School might have contacts that you can use or a learning mentor.

PuppyMonkey · 30/09/2019 10:42

For example:

www.derbyshireschoolnurses.org.uk/home

jennymanara · 30/09/2019 10:45

All those talking about anxiety, staying at home does not help that. It feeds anxiety.

Whattodoabout · 30/09/2019 10:48

Is he being bullied at all or have you noticed a pattern of him trying to avoid certain days? My DD kept trying to avoid Thursday’s last year and it turned out to be PE avoidance that’s all.

Have words with him and try to find out if he’s avoiding something in particular.

ravenmum · 30/09/2019 10:49

When I gave my son the chance to stay at home when he was too stressed, the number of sick days dropped considerably.
No, staying indoors does not help anxiety. But children who are too stressed to go to school need to be shown how to cope with the anxiety. Not given the message that if they are so stressed they feel ill, then they are naughty and deserve to be punished or told off, so they should never mention their stress to their nearest and dearest.

lyralalala · 30/09/2019 10:58

Have you tried keeping a note of the days he does this and comparing it to his timetable?

When my DD did this then it only took a few weeks before I spotted the pattern of her being extremely anxious about a particular class.

The fact he went out with friends proves he didn't feel shit at all.

And that's not actually true at all. It proves that he's not getting a panicked stomach or nausea about the thought of meeting his friends.
It doesn't say anything about how he felt about school in the morning.

FishCanFly · 30/09/2019 10:59

YOU MUST TAKE HIM TO DOCTORS!!!
My friend's son had "school avoidance" until it turned out to be type 1 diabetes!
Even if its just stress/anxiety, its not normal!

Buyitinbamboo · 30/09/2019 11:05

OP I was exactly the same as your son. Quite academic and had a lot of friends so it's not that I struggled with school, I just didnt want to be there. I went to councilling, that didnt help. I was diagnosed with a very mild gluten intolerance so my mum kind of just ran with that but honestly a gluten free diet didnt help, it must have been anxiety. I don't know what the solution is as I still struggle now, my attendance has never been good at work either. Luckily I am mostly self employed and my small employed job allows me to work from home so it works well.

Branleuse · 30/09/2019 11:14

youre not a mindreader. If he has faked it so often, then youve got no reason to feel guilty if he happens to be telling the truth this time. Thats what happens when you cry wolf

itsonlysubterfuge · 30/09/2019 11:16

I use to get stomach aches a lot when I was little. Around 9ish. Sometimes just calling my mom on the phone and talking to her was enough to help me feel a bit better.

I would have a bad stomach ache, call my mom to come get me, she would and after about 1 hour I would be feeling better. I wasn't faking it, I genuinely had a stomach ache. Looking back it's clear to me it was only anxiety. However at the time I wasn't aware of feeling anxious about anything in particular, it was just general anxiety and going to school was a lot for me.

As I got older I dealt with the anxiety in unhealhty ways so the stomach aches went away.

However if he has said he's faking it, then he probably isn't having anxiety.

If he is having the runs then give him an imodium. The worse that will happen is he might get a bit constipated if he was lying about the runs, but if he wasn't lying it will help to stop them.

If you are in the UK, they are normally pretty good at getting kids seen to on the NHS for mental health problems vs. adults.

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