WIBU to have made DS go to school this morning?

[BloodSugar]

He is yr10. 14.

Last year he said so many times that he felt sick, had been sick, had the runs in the morning. I would believe him and by 10am the act had faded and he was sat happily watching TV and eating cereal.

Many times I would send him in and I would get a call from the school office and they would say he's been sick and can I come collect him.

Last night I heard him wretching on the bathroom, loud and dramatically. His father did too. I just ignored him as its Sunday night and I knew what was coming.

He didn't mention being sick.

Sure enough this morning he starts with the 'runs' story.

I tell him no, he is going in. Not to call the office and ask me to collect him. I won't be.

Lots of tears.

He went to school.

Please note that last Monday we had the same thing and he came home at 3.30pm bright as a button and went out to play with his mates.

I have talked to him about school, if there's anything wrong, any issues. He insists there aren't just sometimes he just doenst want to go and wants to stay home. I've explained this isn't possible and I get in trouble if his attendance isn't good and it's important now he is in Yr 10 not to kiss any time off. I told him we are aiming for 100% attendance this year as last year his was 'poor'.

WIBU to send him in?

Now the guilt is creeping in. But I am 99% sure it was all Bullshit. Especially with the theatrics in the bathroom last night.

I'm also thinking of calling the school and having a meet g with the attendance officer about it.

And what, the GP couldn’t possibly help with a mental issue instead of a physical one? Just playing off your sons worries/problems as unimportant will damage his confidence and his self-esteem

If he’s crying, I agree it’s more likely to be mental health. Something bothering him. But he doesn’t know how to explain this. I agree with getting the school pastoral team involved.

anxiety can manifest itself with lots of physical symptoms - I would go down this route

I'd take him to the GP. If he thinks he has to go to the GP when he says he's ill, he'll be less likely to lie about it. Plus if he has an upset stomach because of nerves/anxiety then he can discuss that with the GP.
There's obviously something going on. It's not usual to have a 14-yr-old crying and pretending to be sick to get out of school.

I agree with the poster who said make his day incredibly boring. In bed with curtains drawn. No TV, no snacks, absolutely no entertainment at all - and if he then suddenly decides he’s fine, make him go into school. At least he will then get a half day’s attendance. This could all make him think twice about faking it. Does he find school boring? Have you asked him about the times he’s admitted he faked it and why he did that? What is it about home that is more appealing to him than school... it sounds silly but perhaps you just need to make home life a little duller for him especially if you know he’s faking. Lots of chores, extra homework, etc?

It's tough. I get it.

But why on earth are you letting him out to play with his mates when he's been home 'sick'?

Knock that one on the head for starters. Also agree that if he is home sick, he should be in bed, lights out, no screens, no snacks.

Could he possibly have IBS? Or something similar? Also agree with other posters that a 14-year old boy crying because he doesn't want to go to school is not normal. Suggest you take him to your GP and sit down and explain the whole scenario.

I'd go to the GP rather than the school pastoral team about anxiety. The quality and standards of pastoral teams vary wildly.

I meant I wouldn't take him to the GP about his runs or sickness.

I don't say I wouldn't take him if it turns out he has anxiety or any other MH issues. Of course I would.

I was simply saying there no point in wasting an appointment on investigation of physical symptoms that don't exist.

I was going to suggest anxiety too, it can manifest itself physically in many ways and can be difficult for anyone to recognise it in others, let alone within themselves (especially as a teen). I'd agree with others that seeing the school pastoral team or his form tutor would be a good move - i'm sure that they will have experience of these things and can give you some good advice. Another step could be your GP, but I speak from experience that getting any help via CAMHS can take time as waiting lists can be long. Your son's school are more likely to be able to provide immediate support.

Oh my gosh.

HE WENT OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS AFTER SCHOOL.

PLEASE RE-READ THAT.

He said he was sick in the morning. I wasn't having it. He CAME Home bright as a button and went out with friends.

Proving he wasn't really sick that morning and I had made the right call sending him to school.

There's no way I would allow him to go out with friends if he had the day off school!

Sorry for the caps but I've explained this twice now. People are reading it wrong.

Have you told him that you used to do the same? He might think it's ok to do it as you've turned out alright so no harm done.I used to hate school too but I was getting bullied,it could be a possibility.

Stop making sick days nicer and easier than school days.

No phone or electronic gadgets, revision books only, in bed, nothing to eat and only plain water to drink. CERTAINLY not playing with friends after school, he's far too contagious for that!

I haven't told him I did the same, no. I figured it would only encourage him and its not something I'm proud of

Being better later in the day doesn't mean he doesn't have anxiety or didn't have an upset stomach earlier in the day. It's not that posters aren't reading or understanding. We're just reaching a different conclusion from you.

A huge proportion of physical symptoms are psychosomatic and that doesn’t make them any less real. In all likelihood he DOES feel ill at the time even if he later concedes that he wasn’t really sick.

He needs to see his GP to firstly rule out any physical problems and secondly to get a referral for counselling or therapy to get to the root cause of this. If he doesn’t learn to manage his emotions he will bring this problem with him throughout his life and very likely get much worse.

YWNBU to send him to school but he probably can’t control his behaviour now. Feeling sick gets him home to a place of safety so he WILL feel ill. It’s actually a really interesting subject.

He’s playing you, and your allowing him to do so.

Yanbu - be firm, be consistent and if he after all this pull the wool over you, punish him.

I did this all the time as a teenager, and so did my younger daughter. It's only just now, reading your post, that I've realised why we both did it :( I have 'working memory problems' and because I was good at reading, writing, arithmetic nobody realised I was having difficulty with schoolwork - I didn't realise it myself, thought that I just couldn't be bothered learning stuff, not that I was incapable of it. When my younger daughter was finally diagnosed with a SLD connected to memory it was an Aaaaaahhhh moment.

With the benefit of hindsight, it's worth finding out if he's having problems with schoolwork. I genuinely didn't know that I wasn't able for the work (massive unrealistic self-confidence ) I thought everyone else worked much harder and that I couldn't be bothered.

This might not be in any way like what your son is doing, but worth checking out. I played truant constantly, anything rather than go into school where I was bored and really couldn't keep up with the work. There is some reason why he doesn't want to go to school, above and beyond wanting to stay at home.

My son used to do this and I got calls from school to collect him. I ended up telling the school he wasnt unwell and to only call me if they can see he us physically ill. I now have a school refuser, diagnosed with asd in the last year so obviously more extreme but he has anxiety. I'd speak to the school about it, get them to keep an eye on it. In sure that isn't the case with your child but I'd definitely inform the school of what is happening and they can help to keep an eye on him.

I 100% identify with the retching thing before going to school in the morning - I didn’t have the gumption though to pretend to be ill . I would definitely say I’m an anxious character but I was bullied throughout my school career. In the early years of my career the retching continued - no bullying though.

I did well at school , but I would much rather have been at home . In retrospect there are probably opportunities I missed though through the anxiety to have a more enriched life in all sorts of ways. I wish someone had given me some help and advice ... I’ve had to work it out for myself over the years.

You would not be wasting your GPs time if you sought advice for your son with his anxieties or looked for a counsellor privately. There are definitely programmes advertised local to me for children .

Anxiety. Definitely. I was exactly the same - used to make excuses and fake illness to not go to school. When I was there it was fine, but the fear and anxiety about going in did used to make me feel physically unwell. This was many years ago and anxiety in children/adolescents wasn't considered to be a "thing". But my anxiety continued in to my working life and I sought help. I reframed it in my mind - I used to tell myself I "had" to go to school/work and the pressure of that increased the anxiety, so instead I started telling myself that I "wanted" to go. Even if I didn't directly "want" to go to work, I could work it forward "I want to go to work because I want to have a job, because I want to have money to pay my own way and do and have nice things". Similarly, he wants to go to school to get an education which will allow him to get a job which he will want to go to so he can have money and nice things etc. You get the idea.

I would make an appointment with the GP to discuss anxiety and look in to CBT. Try googling "CBT challenging negative thinking" and see if anything there is helpful. Get him to read it too and see if anything resonates. Insight in to your own mental health is incredibly important in order to start to overcome it.

Hi OP. I often have the same issues with my 13 year old daughter. She definitely struggles with school and is counting the days til she can leave and go to college or perhaps do an apprenticeship. She does suffer with anxiety and I have talked to pastoral care with the school and we are awaiting counselling.

I do agree with the posters that suggest making a day at home as mundane as possible. My daughter knows (and I follow through) that if she is genuinely off school ill then there is no tv or internet, no phone or tablet and a day sick is simply that to rest and at best to read. It seems to have done the trick most of the time.

It’s definitely worth a chat with the school. Mine are quite good that they are very reluctant to call you to collect so at best she gets to sit in the medical room for a bit but they don’t budge easily

Also my son was complaining of feeling sick etc. Although it wasnt physical, it can be now because the anxiety makes him feel sick.

Well he needs to learn that the boy who cries wolf ends up at school with the runs.... wouldn't he rather you believe him when he needs it?

OP I don't think you're wrong for sending him, and have read your updates so just wanted to mention something on the anxiety comment -

I have quite bad anxiety and before I go out somewhere, quite regularly I'll work myself up about it and part of the effect of a panic attack is that it makes me feel like I need the toilet.
I go to the toilet and have loose bowels (sorry TMI).
When I was at school there was one particular lesson I ALWAYS had to go to the toilet in.
No particular reason - I didn't have any issues with the lesson, but I just couldn't cope being in that room for a full hour.

There's a very good chance that his physical problems could be caused by anxiety/panic attacks. There may not even be a real cause for them and would explain why he's fine later in the day.

I don't think he's having trouble with school work.

He's naturally academic. Tops sets. High achievers programme.

He doesn't even try it just comes to him
It's not like he Iver exerts himself studying. He barely does. He just grasps things naturally without having to put much effort in.
Completely the opposite to how I was in school.

He's not pressured from us in anyway. Of course I want him to do well but I'm not one of these pushy mums. I just leave him to it. He does extremely well consistently without me pushing him. We're very chill about it.