Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to have made DS go to school this morning?

109 replies

BloodSugar · 30/09/2019 08:54

He is yr10. 14.

Last year he said so many times that he felt sick, had been sick, had the runs in the morning. I would believe him and by 10am the act had faded and he was sat happily watching TV and eating cereal.

Many times I would send him in and I would get a call from the school office and they would say he's been sick and can I come collect him.

Last night I heard him wretching on the bathroom, loud and dramatically. His father did too. I just ignored him as its Sunday night and I knew what was coming.

He didn't mention being sick.

Sure enough this morning he starts with the 'runs' story.

I tell him no, he is going in. Not to call the office and ask me to collect him. I won't be.

Lots of tears.

He went to school.

Please note that last Monday we had the same thing and he came home at 3.30pm bright as a button and went out to play with his mates.

I have talked to him about school, if there's anything wrong, any issues. He insists there aren't just sometimes he just doenst want to go and wants to stay home. I've explained this isn't possible and I get in trouble if his attendance isn't good and it's important now he is in Yr 10 not to kiss any time off. I told him we are aiming for 100% attendance this year as last year his was 'poor'.

WIBU to send him in?

Now the guilt is creeping in. But I am 99% sure it was all Bullshit. Especially with the theatrics in the bathroom last night.

I'm also thinking of calling the school and having a meet g with the attendance officer about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BloodSugar · 30/09/2019 09:43

It's a good point about the anxiety perhaps making him feel sick or giving him an upset tummy.

It's definitely something to explore.

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 30/09/2019 09:43

Also tbh, I could throw up on demand at that age so being sick isn't always a true sign

ChicCroissant · 30/09/2019 09:44

I was going to suggest bullying when I read your first post OP, but the updates do make me think it sounds more anxiety-based.

Do the school have a support unit, sometimes they can sit there in a quiet place for a bit if they feel overwhelmed during the day? It doesn't sound like he needs it once he is in, but if that would help with the bouts of sickness during the day it could be worth trying.

Hippee · 30/09/2019 09:44

DS1 was like this from year 5-7 (so a bit younger). I never let him have time off, because I knew it was school refusal rather than illness. I talked to him and school a lot, we had a couple of days where he cried in the morning, but I rang school and managed to get him to school later that morning. It's so tough, because you do doubt yourself. He's been much better recently - still would rather be at home though.

My friend's DS has school refused from age 14 (started as "illness") - he now is facing GCSEs in a year with some very part-time online studying.

I think that making him stay in bed with no devices or TV is a good place to start - and definitely no after-school activities/playing with friends if he has been off in the day - if he's genuinely ill he won't mind.

Booboostwo · 30/09/2019 09:46

I agree with you that it's probably not a physical issue. Also the possible physical cause is a red herring if indeed he has a mental problem with going to school. I'd focus on the mental side of things. If he does suffer from anxiety or is being bullied he may find it difficult to talk to you, it's not as simple as just telling you what the problem might be. I'd take him to the Gp about the emotional side of things and see what support might be available. The waiting lists may be quite long though.

Dillydallyingthrough · 30/09/2019 09:47

I agree with PP if he does get sent home (at my DDs school if you're called you have to collect your DC), then you make it as boring as possible. If he starts the night before again say he can longer watch TV, go out, etc. Only if he goes to school without the theatrics can he do what he wants.

My Dsis used to do this, she just didn't like school. My DPs used to leave at her home (checking in at lunch and on the phone) she could watch TV and mess around with make up. My mom started dropping her off at nans and it stopped very quickly.

PEkithelp · 30/09/2019 09:47

If he is anxious then he isn’t faking it. Most people with anxiety will get physical symptoms. Sounds like the start of school phobia. I would be treating it like a problem to solve together rather than framing it as either genuine or fake. It’s unlikely to be that simple.

Wixi · 30/09/2019 09:48

My DD9 has only done this once. I was off from work sick and she didn't see why she couldn't be so pretended to be sick as well. I made her stay in bed as I was in bed ill. By lunchtime she was so bored she asked if she could go back to school for the afternoon! No sign of any repeat performance :-)

itbemay1 · 30/09/2019 09:49

I had this too with my DS, exact same thing and I did what you have done today in the end every time. It's hard as you can see how desperate they are not to go to school but this tactic worked and now DS knows unless he's genuinely unwell he is in school.

Good luck OP

jennymanara · 30/09/2019 09:50

My DP used to do this. His parents started saying if he was not well enough to be in school, then he needed to stay in bed. He was not allowed to come downstairs. It stopped it as he said staying home became boring and lonely.

Herocomplex · 30/09/2019 09:52

If he’s doing well with no effort have you considered that he might be bored?

But I would go with anxiety. He might have no idea that he’s anxious, just that he can’t face school.

roisinagusniamh · 30/09/2019 09:53

School should be looking into this. If a pupil has that amount of days off due to illness they are suposse to request a Doctor's letter.

adaline · 30/09/2019 09:54

Sick days need to be boring as hell.

So no internet, no TV, no music, no phone. He can sleep it off in bed if he's unwell. No going out after school, no eating cereal on the sofa - if he's hungry he can have dry toast and water to drink.

I guarantee he'll give up if he knows he has a day of ^that to look forward to.

While you may be right about the anxiety, skipping school and faking stomach bugs is not the answer!

CheeseChipsMayo · 30/09/2019 09:54

Why cant he do distance ed program&stay home if he really isnt into going to school-i dont get why you wouldnt see the glaringly obvious here..School isnt for everyone&its been going on for so long id be asking him if he would rather go a different route-its his life.

AGirlHasNoCake · 30/09/2019 09:55

My DD did this. She felt ill, had tummy aches etc. ANd was always perky by 10:30.

We did the "stay in bed all day" routine. I switched off the internet, no TV, no phones, she had to stay in bed and she could read. SHe also had to have an early night. No going out with mates, toast and tea to eat and drink.

DIdn't have another fake illness!

Original poster
BloodSugar · 30/09/2019 09:58

Cheese because school isn't just about GCSES it also about socialising, making friends, independence, learning to travel independently, handle money, communication with adults and peers, school trips and a million other things.

And I don't want him to think that if he finds something difficult he doesn't have to do it.

Life is difficult. Work is difficult. Relationships are different.

You don't get to just check out and stay at home.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 30/09/2019 10:04

He's 14 and he was crying about going to school?
It's not typical for a 14 year is boy to have "lots if tears" over going to school

Oh who told you what "typical" is?? There are TONNES of kids out there who hate school and will play act to get out of it. It's quite typical.

14 is still young in many ways. I suppose you think they should have a stiff upper lip by this point??

GettingABitDesperateNow · 30/09/2019 10:05

Hi OP

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like you are letting him get away with it. He is coming home, eating, watching tv, going out to see his friends. What teenager wouldn't want to do this.

I'd call his bluff to be honest. Say you've been sick, you shouldn't be eating and then only plain foods, no dairy, water only as it's not good for sickness eg plain toast no butter. Say you dont want to catch it and he is in isolation, put him in bed, he can read a book if he feels better but bed is the best thing for you if you're sick. Tell him you are worried about the amount he is sick or has a bad stomach, get him to keep a food diary, maybe its weekend treats that make him sick on a Monday and he needs to cut them out!? Tell him he will need to go to the doctor if he is sick again as it's so often, and outline what investigations they might do. And absolutely no seeing any friends for 48 hours after the last bout of 'sickness' as its selfish to pass it around.

Original poster
BloodSugar · 30/09/2019 10:06

How many times do I have to say he isn't visiting friends if he's stayed off school ill? 😩

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 30/09/2019 10:08

I would be looking into counselling for him. Chances are he does have tummy pains from anxiety if he works himself up about having to go to school. It's not uncommon but needs to be nipped in the bud. Hopefully a few sessions would equip him with the coping mechanisms to help overcome these anxieties and quit the habit of wanting to just stay at home.

M3lon · 30/09/2019 10:12

op but...you really shouldn't be letting him play with friends when he isn't in school Grin

Is he just bored at school?

GCSEs can be such drudgery if you don't need to work to understand anything. I remember being bored witless in some lessons (though struggling to keep up in others!). For one particular class it was actually embarrassing how slowly it went and how little content there was. I remember skipping that one because I felt so ashamed on behalf of the teachers...

HouseworkAvoider10 · 30/09/2019 10:12

Yep he needs to have the world's most boring sick day in history.
no entertainments and no interesting eats or drinks.
bed all day and all night.

see how he likes them apples.

the cheeky bugger is playing you.

Booboostwo · 30/09/2019 10:13

If he does have anxiety or he is being bullied, your 'man up and get over it' attitude is not going to help him OP.

3dogs2cats · 30/09/2019 10:14

I have a 16 year old who refused school for years and had social anxiety issues. They came to live with us and I made it plain that was not an option. After 18 months, really happy and doing well, lots of friends, good grades. If you keep them off school because of anxiety you are confirming to them that life is very scary, and that they are too ill to do normal things. It has been a bumpy road at times. What we have found is that if not in school then no electronics, no treat foods etc really helps to get the routine reestablished. Sounds like your boy is bright and sociable but those things do fall away if they lose their routine. You did exactly the right thing.

Witchend · 30/09/2019 10:17

My D's is similar. It's just that he prefers to be at home and he thinks if he is not totally okay he ought to stay off.

It makes it very difficult to work out if he genuinely is unwell though

Swipe left for the next trending thread