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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be devastated

92 replies

samb80 · 30/09/2019 02:15

Ex husband has new girlfriend and even though I've been preparing myself for a while for this I am absolutely devastated.
He is a narcissist, emotionally, physically and mentally abusive which I know, and knew we couldn't stay together.
They are extremely public about each other on Facebook which I find really odd.
I have gone into complete and utter panic mode and have text him telling him I love him my reaction has shocked me and I don't know how to process these feelings.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/09/2019 02:18

He’s your ex for reasons you have given.
How can you possibly want this abusive man back. I don’t understand. You deserve better. His new girlfriend is more to be felt sorry for. Does she honestly think he’ll treat her any better than he treated you.

MustardScreams · 30/09/2019 02:22

You need to pull yourself together! I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you’re freaking out over a piece of shit.

It’s ok to be emotional, it’s ok to fucking HATE that your ex has moved on. It’s never ok to do the ‘pick me’ dance, which is what you’re doing right now.

You’re making yourself look ridiculous. And YOU ARE NOT. You’re better than him and his new fling. You know, we all know this. So stop sinking and crack on. You’ve got this.

Mintjulia · 30/09/2019 02:25

Could it be he is posting “happy families” on social media exactly to make you feel like that. It’s the sort of nasty manipulative crap, people like that do.
Why are you looking at his stuff? Take a deep breath, unfriend him & block everything to do with both of them.
Than take yourself off out somewhere lovely for the day. xx

zebrasdontwearbras · 30/09/2019 02:28

And have text him telling him I love him my reaction has shocked me

Yes, in the nicest possible way, don't do that again.

Of course a narcissist is going to post all the details on FB. Of course they'll be looking for a reaction from you.

Do yourself a favour -stay off their pages on social media. Stay away from them - remember your reasons for the split, and put your energy into your new life.

samb80 · 30/09/2019 02:29

Yes I am doing the pick me dance, and it's shocked me and I don't know why.
I just feel like everyone is laughing at me, he has turned himself into the victim in the situation and I feel like everyone thinks bad of me and happy for him. And yes I know it's all ok Facebook and I shouldn't take any notice but it hurts. We have 2 kids and it was ds 13th at the weekend and I just feel weak and vulnerable and I can't seem to get myself out of this hole I've put myself in.

OP posts:
lborgia · 30/09/2019 02:46

Please, please be kind to yourself. You KNOW the rational way to behave, but your brain has been rewired by years of living with this, and it does not change overnight (or possibly for a very long time) .

I left my emotionally, physically, everything abusive partner many times and went back, many times, even after he tried to kill me, and in the end he left me for a teenage version. If he hadn’t left me, I’d be dead. I am mortified, 25 years later, that I wasn’t strong enough to leave, and I will be til the day I do eventually die, but you did it.

TBH it took some serious work for me (look up PTSD EMDR therapy) , but meanwhile, take him off your phone? Keep a copy of the number somewhere if you don’t know it by heart, but otherwise, at least then you need to spend a few extra seconds putting the number in to make contact.

Do you have anyone in RL who can talk you down at these moments? Otherwise, do post on here, and someone will talk to you.

You need to form new routines, new patterns in your life, to replace the old. You also need help with this. Can you talk to your GP? Someone else who can guide you on finding support?

Worst comes to the worst, get into a hot bath, or watch a movie with earphones on if you have, so that again it’s a tiny bit more difficult to text/think about him. Sleep is also good.

Also, understand not blocking him everywhere, but block him everywhere. Flowers

HennyPennyHorror · 30/09/2019 02:59

Flowers How long ago did you split up OP?

samb80 · 30/09/2019 04:02

At the end of January this year.

OP posts:
MagicalUnicornPoo · 30/09/2019 04:07

He’s a narcissist and therefore will always make himself out to be the victim. Stay strong OP

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 30/09/2019 04:10

Oh OP He isn't worth it , you know this .

Just pity the poor woman he is with now .,

Flowers
samb80 · 30/09/2019 04:18

I can usually rationalise this all pretty well and like I said I have been preparing myself but for some reason I'm completely devastated. It doesn't help that he's still so nasty to me. We were together for 15 years I met him when I was 19 and as much as I wouldn't get back with him I found myself texting him anyway.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2019 05:24

I have gone into complete and utter panic mode and have text him telling him I love him my reaction has shocked me and I don't know how to process these feelings.

Has he replied?

If he does, I’d be tempted to say, sorry, that was meant for someone else.

Mothership4two · 30/09/2019 05:45

It's pretty normal to feel extremely upset when your ex starts a new relationship. I have seen it with both male and female friends. It is the ultimate realisation of your relationship being completely over. You obviously don't really want this narcissist abuser back. I know people trot out "time's a great healer", but I really think you will look back in a few weeks (or the next time he does something awful) and think "WHAT was I thinking?!".

Please, please, please block him on social media. Just don't look him up. People put this golden image of themselves on FB and you know him and know that what you are seeing will not be reality. Truly distance yourself.

And as @Butchyrestingface said, text back first (before you block him) and tell him that text wasn't meant for him or, if it was obvious it was for him, say you were drunk/it was a joke/anything but that you don't love him. Do not leave the door open.

Seahorseshoe · 30/09/2019 05:57

I'd have your settings changed so as you don't see what's going on in his life. If you don't know, it can't hurt you. You deserve so much more than the man you described.

On the flip side, feel sorry that this other lady has landed herself with an unpleasant person. You know what all those other people don't know. The truth. They haven't been in an intimate relationship with him.

Please don't give a narcissist the satisfaction of the, so aptly named, pick me dance. He'd lap it up. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship and you will not find it with him.

samb80 · 30/09/2019 06:07

Every few weeks I seem to go into this panic mode and I know that actually we can't and won't get back together - but it feels like he's rejecting me and it hurts.
When he's nasty to me which is 99% of the time it unbalances me It's difficult because I have the kids begging me to be friends. So I keep reaching out to him which puts him in a position of power to tear me down and he takes it, every single time.

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 30/09/2019 06:09

You have to find a way to wriggle out of the text ..
I’m not a Facebook user but can you block him or remove yourself from his stream.
You have to pull yourself together.
It’s early days from your divorce be kind to yourself next time before you hit the send button come on here ...for support.
You don’t love him,your jealous but you know he meant to rile you by putting his crap on Facebook you fell for it.

samb80 · 30/09/2019 06:16

The other thing is I feel completely alone, isolated and that no one has my back.
The reason our marriage ended was because he got so drunk one night - drink is a massive problem and attacked me in front of the children. I decided that night - that my kids weren't going to get brought like that.
He was arrested and charged and as a typical narcissist it was my fault I set him up etc.
I found out yesterday that he had the absolute cheek to stand in a pub and to my cousin and tell him how he hit me, I know he would have have given his filtered version of events but no one said anything to him. He's meeting all our friends out - it was published in the paper so everyone knows about it. But no one not one person has called him out which makes me feel completely and utterly worthless.

OP posts:
Elderflower14 · 30/09/2019 06:28

I would be feeling sorry for his new woman.. (assuming she wasn't the reason for the split?)

MagicalUnicornPoo · 30/09/2019 06:33

Oh OP 😭 I feel so bad for you. I really do. All you can do is stay strong and think of your children. Do you want DD to grow up thinking it’s ok for a man to treat her the way your ex treated you? Do you want DS to think it’s acceptable for him to treat women the way your ex did you? I’m sure you don’t. So just try and stay as strong as you can and keep contact as limited as possible with him. And when you DO need to communicate, only speak factually and with no emotions. E.g. “the children will be ready for you to pick up at 6pm tonight, they will have already had dinner”. It’s so hard but you CAN do it. Narcissists thrive off of attention and he WANTS you to pine for him. Don’t give him what he wants because otherwise he is sucking you right back into his nasty little vortex and each time you will be even more confused and upset you will find it harder to get out again. You need to be as emotionally distant as possible. That means blocking him on social media and NO stalking from another account or anything like that. Try and find something to keep your mind off of it and I promise that you will get used to it. Don’t rise to any bait he throws to you. Because again, you will get sucked back into this vortex and it just won’t end well.

samb80 · 30/09/2019 06:34

No she's not the reason for the split.
But I think I am jealous which is crazy because despite everything that he has done and doing I feel like he's rejecting me. I don't know if that's how the cycle of abuse works or if this is normal but I am just lost.

OP posts:
Pollydocket · 30/09/2019 06:36

You don’t want him, he’s not good enough.
You don’t need anyone at the moment, you need to love yourself again.

Keep repeating that to yourself.

The social media crap, well it’s just that, he won’t be any different with the new women, try to remember that.

Heal yourself, you made the right choice and time will help.

Cherrysoup · 30/09/2019 06:40

Block him on FB. Why are you torturing yourself?

Ballader · 30/09/2019 06:42

I had a relationship like this a long time ago. For a long time afterwards I kept thinking of what I could have done differently to make it work, to make him love me, to make him appreciate me.

It took me a long time to be able to see that he was a sod and I was well rid of him. I would have done anything to get him back, but it was me feeling rejected and unloved I was trying fix. I didn't really want to be back in an abusive relationship.

This is your chance to start again, live life on your own terms and find people who really appreciate you. You've done the hard part. The next bit is where you get to try all the new Good things in life.

Palaver1 · 30/09/2019 07:06

You are in charge of you, you have your back it’s neither here nor there what people think.
You lived it ,yesterday’s news is yesterday’s.
Your news is today and moving forward.
It’s clear that you have been moulded due to your age you were 19.
I’m grateful you knew when to draw the curtains ,you will get through this don’t beat yourself up.
It’s done and dusted what are you doing today? anything nice, that will bring you back to normality .
It’s over you’ll see this and laugh very soon .
Take care

Smelborp · 30/09/2019 07:12

He’s probably putting stuff on Facebook because he wants that reaction from you. I agree if there’s a way to retract / nullify last nights message, it would be good.

You can do better. If people aren’t calling him on assault, that’s not because you’re worthless, it’s because they are cowards afraid of rocking the boat and have stupidly low standards for people. It reflects on them, not you. You are worth more.

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