To be devastated

[samb80]

Ex husband has new girlfriend and even though I've been preparing myself for a while for this I am absolutely devastated.
He is a narcissist, emotionally, physically and mentally abusive which I know, and knew we couldn't stay together.
They are extremely public about each other on Facebook which I find really odd.
I have gone into complete and utter panic mode and have text him telling him I love him my reaction has shocked me and I don't know how to process these feelings.

You need to feel sorry for her. Another one trapped like you.

I just feel weak and vulnerable
You may feel like that but you are not.
Look at your actions. You split with him. You showed your dc that awful behaviour from a partner isn't acceptable. You have saved them from abuse too.
Forgive yourself for the message. Delete him on Facebook. Only ever communicate with him when you need to about the children. Never about anything else. Every-time you feel weak about it grab your kids for a cuddle/ look at a pic of them / look in the mirror and tell yourself YOU ROCK! YOU CAN DO THIS.
This will get better.

I feel sorry for her and pleased for you. I know it's not as simple as that, but still....Stay strong as you move on to a much better life.

You're not unusual for having this reaction. It's called trauma bonding- (look it up) and very common when you break free from a narc.

Come off social media for a while and try to just focus on your own self care.

Take care, I know it's painful but you have dodged bullet there.

Facebook is also your enemy here. Keep off it. Look after yourself.

No matter what your children want, you cannot build a friendship or productive parenting relationship with an abuser. You need to delete him off social media and go grey rock. Only contact or respond to things about the children.

They cannot understand the dynamics, they cannot understand that the only way to create a productive dynamic is for you to step back, not try harder. You can’t build something someone else is actively smashing.

Sometimes you have to do what is best, not what they want.

So you dont want him and you dont want anyone else to want him ?.
You split for all the reason`s you have stated.
You really need to move on and be happy.
Your trying to hold on to a relationship that never really existed.

Time for you to enrol on the Freedom Programme and set yourself free. Mr Narc the abusive man now has a new victim, make the most of it and live your life well.

OP, so sorry that you feel like this. I just wanted to pick up your point that "he hasn't been called out" for being reported in the papers for attacking you.

You don't know that he hasn't been picked up on this, privately. There's no reason why you would have needed to be told (although it would have been nice for you), but there's no reason to believe that he hasn't been told what a complete and utter twat he was either.

I agree with the others, block/unfollow him/her social media - everything only about the children now.

You'll get past this.

When you meet someone that treats you with respect and love, you don’t be feeling upset over your ex husband and his new piece.
It won’t be long until he’s treating her in the exact same way, a leopard never changes its spots.

Instead of feeling jealous, you should feel sorry for the poor women who is entering this completely unaware of what an asshole he is/ or disbelieving you/it if she does.

Take care of yourself op!

Has he replied?

If he does, I’d be tempted to say, sorry, that was meant for someone else.

THIS ^

Or add "Hahahahahaha! PSYCHE!" and a big smiley meme of some sort.

And block his page on FB* so you don't get inundated with his crap.

*Can you do that? I'm not on, so don't know.

You're reverting to the psychological state of 'better the devil you know.' It;s natural, but you don't need to. You might also be justifiably panicking because if he's an operator and playing happy families online, then you might be subconsicously worried he's going to weasel the DC away from you.
Focus on keeping your family stable and secure and calm. Sort out routines so daily life is orderly and settled. Minimise how much time you spend on FB (don't block him - you need to keep tabs on him, but try to go online with a strategy, e.g. 'Let's see what mask the weasel is wearing today. Oh, it's Happy Families. That's very different from when he {fill in the blank remembering some shitty manipulative thing he did to you or DC].
Don't waste time caring what other people think. Strengthen bonds with people who like and trust you and keep a civil distance with anyone else.

I am the same regarding exes, one recently remarried and it put me in turmoil, even though I am happily married myself. I do have attachment issues from childhood, which affect me very badly, causing severe anxiety and panic attacks. I watch Alan Robarge on YouTube, he has an amazing understanding of these types of narsistic relationships and how they draw you back in. I do understand your pain so well. 💐

But no one not one person has called him out [on his behaviour] which makes me feel completely and utterly worthless

The way people behave around him has nothing to do with your worth. He sounds dangerous and if he’s a drinker, unpredictable too. People probably choose to let it go but this doesn’t mean they don’t know exactly what he’s like, but they don’t want a confrontation either.

You’d really benefit from the Freedom Programme as mentioned by a previous poster - it will help you recognise his type and what he’s doing to you. It will help you stand back from it. Another useful exercise, to get the jumble of thoughts out on paper, is a Cost Benefit analysis - write down a dilemma or question eg “getting back together with ex” then two columns labelled “pros” and “cons”. First listing the pros and cons of the scenario in the short term then draw a line and list the pros and cons long term. There’s nothing like seeing one column full of the reasons you extricated yourself and the other column with very little in it to remind yourself of the very good reasons why you are where you are. I know it sounds long winded but you need to counteract the emotion with a pragmatic exercise. It’s worth spending some time on it really thinking about the pros and cons.

And come of social media; it’s his instrument of torture.

Please block him on FB! You’re well rid of him and deserve so much more.

DELETE HIM DELETE HIM DELETE HIM.

Serious, he sounds like a turd. But a turd that's still not a tremendous psychological hold over you - classic abusive behaviour.

At the VERY LEAST, delete him on FB. You know it's not bringing you any joy seeing him on there. And if you can, delete his number from your phone as well. You can keep his number written down on paper somewhere, but don't have him stored on your phone. That way your brain will have more chances to stop you, should you feel the urge to text him again!

I'm really sorry you're hurting. Please take the steps you need to protect yourself.

Try and remember that you are not actually grieving for him - you are grieving for the charming him he pretended to be to make you fall in love with him.

That person doesn't actually exist so you don't need the actual him because he's horrible.

Seriously think about doing the freedom programme, it really does help.

You are most likely trauma bonded to your ex. Logic is no match for trauma bonding it's that bad. You are physiology addicted to your ex. It's not just a mental addiction, it is chemical and physical.

That you say you are surprised that they are extremely public on FB 'surprises you' means you still haven't learnt enough about narcissists and narc abuse to understand it and heal from it. Flaunting is typical narc behaviour.

Please watch this now:

YT is a fantastic resource with lots of information and advice to help with your situation.

Knowledge is power in this situation.

Other people on there who can help are:

Richard Grannon - Spartan Lifecoach
Melanie Tanya Evans
Daylight our of darkness - Delaney Kay's channel

You need to block him on facebook. Facebook is to catch up with friends, so why on earth would you remain FB friends with your ex? You need to block him and her on all forms of social media. You don't want to see their life and you don't want them seeing yours.

You also need to explain to your DC that it is not always possible to remain friends with an ex. My DC understand that I can't be "friends" with XH after the way he left and due to the aggression and temper he has displayed since.

In a perfect world, we would all be "friends for the sake of the DC" but it isn't always possible and don't let anyone make you feel bad or feel different. Nobody walks in your shoes in your life but you.

They all do the happy families crap, but it won't last because he will do to her what he did to you, and that's a fact.

Please OP, block him and her everywhere. Disassociate with mutual friends. Start doing things for you that have no link to him. Of course you feel isolated, that's what narcs do. Time to move on OP. Doe she see the DCs? if so make email the only communication channel, so if he's a twat (and no doubt he is) then at least you have a record of it all to put infront of a judge if necessary.

OP, be gentle on yourself. It's complicated. Rationally, you know that you don't want to be in a relationship with this man, but you may still experience 'loving' emotions towards him because at some point you did fall in love with him and because he was abusive. The abuse depends on the love bit to work. I chose to respond this morning because I have been seperated from my abusive ex for nearly 14 years and have basically no contact with him, yet last night I dreamt we were together and it was all nice. I cannot imagine why my brain comes up with this - I am appalled by it. But, there you go, it's complicated. Just remind yourself of all the horrible things he did and how terrible he made you feel; then pity that new woman, because she doesn't know it yet but she has that all to come. They don't change - you are lucky to be out of it and probably fought hard for that. Well done.

What he did to you, he'll do to her - eventually.
Feel lucky to have rid yourself of the booby prize.

People really don't change - his habits will repeat in this relationship.
You might choose to warn her - bearing in mind you'll be seen as the bitchy interfering ex.
I'd recommend you unfollow and unfriend them on Facebook. Their relationship is their business and if it's constantly popping up in your feed you'll never start to distance yourself and recover.

I would send another text saying “sorry I was obviously drunk when I sent the last message”. I would be feeling sorry for the new woman, she will experience his bad side just like you did . I do know how you feel, I spilt up with my ex due to his abusive narcissistic behaviours, he was so called “devastated” begged me to take him back, said he would rather be dead then be with anyone else, it was very hard for me to stay strong and ignore him, I then stumbled across a photo online of him with someone else a few months later and even though I hated how he treated me it still felt horrible seeing him all loved up with someone new.

Stay away from him on Facebook, block him and anyone who has connections with him, or even take a break from Fb altogether. Do not message him, he’s putting in a show for attention on Fb, don’t give him what he wants.