To be devastated

[samb80]

Ex husband has new girlfriend and even though I've been preparing myself for a while for this I am absolutely devastated.
He is a narcissist, emotionally, physically and mentally abusive which I know, and knew we couldn't stay together.
They are extremely public about each other on Facebook which I find really odd.
I have gone into complete and utter panic mode and have text him telling him I love him my reaction has shocked me and I don't know how to process these feelings.

Every single time I felt my mind turning towards him and wanting him to understand me, acknowledge me, approve of me and want me and when I thought of how I could change and be what he wanted, I READ THAT LIST.

Excellent advice from samb80.

When the charm is turned back on (or even when someone else's happiness sends our memories back to our own more pleasant times), then the time just melts away and the emotions come flooding back - like a tsunami!

There are a couple people that I have to remind myself each time I meet them in their "Charm Mode", that they are, in fact, bastards of the first water, would stab me in the back without a second thought (and indeed, have done) and that what I and others are seeing is a shining, highly polished veneer over a maggot-ridden, rotten, unstable base.

NEVER FORGET THAT!

Bold fail - sorry people.

He has ground you down. I have an idea of how you feel. You sound exactly like me. You don’t love him - you love the nice man persona and wish it were true. And you have the addition of children with him so you can’t completely break free.

Please get all the support you can and get some counselling. Focus on you - that sounds such a cliche, but its true

Mine too ended up attacking me and it was the year long court battle and the rewriting of history and trying to just carry on with little to no support that finished me, in the end.

Want to know how it ended up? I fell apart and lost my children - to the abuser.

Please do everything you can to build yourself back up.

I am feeling a lot stronger today even though my anxiety is sky high.
It's the kids bit that is difficult - he has them one day a week but makes out on Facebook his has them all the time. Even posting about school pick up and drop offs that he's never done!
He will criticise me about being a shit mum even though their with me 6 days out of 7.
I have made a complete fool out of myself the last few days and handed him over control. So time to re align my position I suppose. It's all such hard work.

Block that Facebook. He knows your watching and the end game here is to completely break you. If he is a narc, remember this: those hat see him for what he is must be destroyed.

Don’t let him.

Block him in all forms of communication
Your kids are 13 and can arrange contact with him not involving you
How do you know your family don’t have your back? Does he tell you that? they are not commenting when he tells them his bullshit because they are not engaging with him which is what you should do
Write a list of things that would make you happy, and improve your self esteeem and make plans to start doing them

Why do you know what he writes? Stop following him! It is like death by a thousand paper cuts, but you are inflicting it on yourself.

I expect most see his posts and think "err yes... it is called being a parent " who is he trying to impress??

I think I look to keep myself in control of the situation so he can't pull the rug from under me.
I feel like I regained my position today, he was texting me about his new gf and how happy he was and I responded with how happy I was for him and that just because I didn't want him he should still be happy. He told me not to spend the evening wondering what he was doing cause he was going back to what he left this morning. I then went on to tell him how much sex I've been having with how ever many people and how one of them was his mate (sort of true) and how I've been fucked in every room of our house. Funnily enough he wasn't so happy for me!!
He told me that he was always my man and never will be replaced and how much my messages show that I love him. I said nah it was all lies and messing with him.
He then threats me with social services because he is concerned about the well being of his children because I'm not fit to be a mother and my mental health is worrying. I told him to feel free to report me but that social services would expect him to take the children and considering he only has them one day a week he might feel the struggle. Considering when the school rang him today because our son was sick and needed to collect him his response was 'not my problem' whilst he was sitting at home rained off!!
So my actions may be questionable but it made me feel empowered.

Gosh, I think you need to stop communicating with him about anything other than the children. Grey rock.

I have to laugh they are parading themselves on FB.

Sadly his gf will soon be a victim of what you had to put up with.

Be thankful you got away.

@WannabeGlamper what's grey rock?

I Googled and found this:

The grey rock method is a technique that removes the fascination and entertainment from a narcissist's life. The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock.

So, you could try only communicating with him about the children when necessary. Just cut him off in a disinterested way if he tries to steer the conversation towards anything else. He sounds awful.

what's grey rock?

samb80

You sit and ignore. Like a grey rock in a stream, no matter how hard the river flows over you, you sit, immovable, ignoring the forces around you, not responding, not initiating - nothing.

Just let it all play out around you and don't bite!

I am working towards that.
But sometimes I go into panic mode and reach out to him which then ignites the cycle of abuse.
I suppose I only have myself to blame.

One step at a time OP, you'll get better at it over time. Good luck.

Don't "blame" yourself - you have had many years of reacting to provocation in a particular way.

Now is the time to learn an new and more effective way to deal with things.

Don't engage or even look at his posts on social media; don't react immediately to anything he might post that you have to read eg about your children - give yourself 24 hours before responding; never forget what he has done to you, or be tempted by any superficial charm he may turn on; remind yourself that you have had a lucky escape.

And just be a rock. A featureless grey rock that shows nothing.