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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be devastated

92 replies

samb80 · 30/09/2019 02:15

Ex husband has new girlfriend and even though I've been preparing myself for a while for this I am absolutely devastated.
He is a narcissist, emotionally, physically and mentally abusive which I know, and knew we couldn't stay together.
They are extremely public about each other on Facebook which I find really odd.
I have gone into complete and utter panic mode and have text him telling him I love him my reaction has shocked me and I don't know how to process these feelings.

OP posts:
Ridiclious · 30/09/2019 10:41

You can hide him on Facebook by unfollowing him if it would cause drama to block.

You are experiencing a loss of what you wish you had; not what you actually had. You wished he'd been that lovey dovey with you; but actually he hurt you, he assaulted you in front of your children and if he'd been allowed to he'd have done it again.

You're jealous of what he is saying he has, of her for having him. He has a relationship and you don't. But know this, you could get 'anyone' but you deserve 'someone'. Any of us could have a relationship but would it be with someone who deserves us? Makes us happy? Doesn't hurt us? Doesn't blame us for the bad in them?

Unfollow him and look into the Freedom programme I only hear good things about it.

Honeyroar · 30/09/2019 10:51

Just unblock him. You don’t need him on Facebook to torture yourself and who cares if there’s any drama (not sure why there would be). People will know what he’s like. Many people will have seen it themselves. It’s natural to feel up and down, and even to think you miss him, but make it so you can’t contact him. It’s much better for you in the long run.

Original poster
samb80 · 30/09/2019 10:52

Thank you everyone, I know you are all right.
We split 9 months ago and I know these feelings will pass.
It's just a really horrible situation and I am terribly hurt. I know I made the best decision but I was in a dream world where I thought we could be friends. I think if he told me he was seeing someone and had that respect for me then it may have been different. Him and his sisters friends are constantly posting on each other's wall to make out their together and I'm really surprised they have all played a part in it cause they know me.
The lady he's seeing is his best friends sister and the public posts are just so hurtful.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2019 10:58

I would be 99% sure the children are begging you to be friends because of what he’s saying to them. And if he is saying things to them about you, it’s manipulating them and it’s abusive because he’s creating flying monkeys. The message along the lines of “If only mummy would just be reasonable.” When in fact he’s the awful, abusive narcissist.

You need to listen to what they’re not saying. They don’t want a daddy, who beats their mummy up and is horrible to her. Be careful, he will turn them against you.

Why would you want to be with a man, who is happy to do this apart from anything else?

WorryBadger · 30/09/2019 11:00

I was in a dream world where I thought we could be friends

Well, yes, YOU hoped you could behave like adults and be friendly because YOU are a decent person who would expect that level of decency in others. He, on the other hand, is a bag of shit who thinks he's Brad Pitt with a golden dick, being 'friends' doesn't suit his narrative of being the victim/prize.

But as PP have said, you are grieving for the loss of the man he pretended to be, for the loss of what you hoped would be, for the life you hoped you would have. Not for the actual man. The actual man is repellent.

NellieDavie · 30/09/2019 11:00

You need to go out and live your best life @samb80 - you're still young enough to have the world at your feet. Delete him from your Facebook, and keep communications to just what's needed for the kids. You can still be friendly for their sake, but there's no need to be friends. Show your children and everyone else just who you can be without him.

MustardScreams · 30/09/2019 11:04

Why on earth would you want to be friends with an abusive man? Have some self respect! You are worth so much more than being his friend.

He is a hideous person, and doesn’t deserve a second of your time.

HazelBite · 30/09/2019 11:28

In the nicest possible way, you are not "devastated" You are separated from him he is now some other woman's problem, think through this logically, and think of all the reasons why you are not really devastated!

Look after yourself Flowers

clippityclop · 30/09/2019 11:43

Block, remove or whatever you have to do to not see he stuff on social media and be gratefu that the nasty piece of work is out of your life. Look after yourself, make up for lost time and live your life!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 30/09/2019 11:47

It's awful when your ex gets someone new, no matter how much your relationship might be over.

I have really struggled with this in the past and social media does not help.

It's a completely normal reaction and only time will help it to feel less bitter.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/09/2019 12:02

When he's nasty to me which is 99% of the time it unbalances me It's difficult because I have the kids begging me to be friends. So I keep reaching out to him which puts him in a position of power to tear me down and he takes it, every single time

Read that again, sam - only this time read it as if someone else had written it. You'll see that the reason you'll get through this just fine is that, underneath it all, you have the strength to realise what's actually going on - also the strength to understand this just wasn't right and to get rid of him in the first place

Right now you're going through the after pains, but that's going to clear and you'll come to realise that all the silly people around him probably know exactly what he's doing, but are somehow drawn to the entertainment of it all. Let him crow over your text - let them ALL crow if they want to - because while they're sniggering over someone else's pain you're the one who'll come out of this best in the end

Your way's now open to a much happier future ... enjoy it when it comes, because you'll have richly desrved it Flowers

Original poster
samb80 · 30/09/2019 12:16

You are all right and I am very grateful that you have taken the time to respond.
I need to get myself out of this hole, I'm making a fool out of myself and giving him power.
He has created himself into a victim and has behaved so badly towards me but everyone seems to love him and I just feel completely lonely and isolated.

OP posts:
Thatsnotmymammoth · 30/09/2019 12:27

You are strong - getting out of the grip of an abusive, narcissist is bloody hard but you did it. You are in control of the decisions you make both big and small. You can have your own back you really can. It’s ok to feel panicky and devastated about your ex moving on. Feelings aren’t rational or logical and even though you know he’s a piece of shit it still doesn’t mean this news is simple to get your head round. Poor woman who has to go through finding out what he is like though. You are free from that thankfully. You will be ok. More than ok. You’ve had a strong reaction to this news which you need to allow yourself to have and not beat yourself up about. Forget it. Block him, delete your fb profile and be kind to yourself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/09/2019 12:33

everyone seems to love him and I just feel completely lonely and isolated

Completely natural, sam - but you feel this way, not due to any fault in yourself, but because of the number he's done on you

Happily, when the mists clear and you start to move on to that much better future, you'll come to realise that many of those people who appear to admire him actually do anything but

LewisFan · 30/09/2019 12:38

Please call womens aid or someone local and seek counselling...

I waited 12 years and regret that I didn't claim my mental health and life back for so long. Yes, counselling is a difficult process but I cannot tell you how worthwhile it is.

Interestedwoman · 30/09/2019 14:50

I second one of the early PP's who recommended EMDR therapy. I was a complete skeptic but the results have been excellent.

Oh and, block him on FB and stop looking at stuff related to him there as best you can. You can even put relatives/friends etc that keep posting about/to him or whatever on Hide.

BloggersBlog · 30/09/2019 15:58

Sam my ex was similar - very much painted himself the victim and even though people knew what he had done they felt sorry for him Confused! But truth always outs and yes it may take a while, but keep your dignity dont beg him for ANYTHING, keep your head held high, focus on being the stable one in the dcs life and in the end people will see the situation for what it is.
They may still make you feel you were wrong, because if they admit they were fooled by him they feel like idiots which they are . But that is their problem, not yours.

viques · 30/09/2019 18:29

everyone thinks this, everyone thinks that

I'll tell you what they are thinking, they are thinking

a) what a nasty selfish apology for a man to go off and leave two young children and now be posting on face book all loved up to a girlfriend.

b) wonder if the new girlfriend knows he hits women when he gets drunk

C) thank heavens samb80 is out of that awful relationship.

That's what people are thinking. They know what he's like , for goodness sake he has stood in the pub and told them what an arse wipe he is.

Original poster
samb80 · 30/09/2019 19:46

We have spent the last few days in a constant text exchange where he has constantly been insulting me while I have been trying to reason with him. WHY HAVE I BEEN DOING THAT!!
This evening I realised whilst I'm still his outlet for abuse nobody else would be.
I have felt so low the last few days and I should have known better but I fell into the I miss him trap. It was as if any of his attention was better than none and has made me feel like I'm the twisted one.

OP posts:
Notwiththeseknees · 30/09/2019 20:50

We all have your back. Unless you have lived with a narcissist it is very difficult to imagine why anyone would want to have him back. And that is how they work. The psychological damage wreaked takes a long time to undo and is never fully repaired. BUT you must develop some helpful strategies that work FOR YOU. I had one amazing friend who supported me and kept me sane, and I wrote a list of all the dreadful things he had done and all the incredibly awful things he had said and I read it often. Every single time I felt my mind turning towards him and wanting him to understand me, acknowledge me, approve of me and want me and when I thought of how I could change and be what he wanted, I READ THAT LIST. Therapy helped too, but the list was the thing. The proof in black and white that IT. WAS. HIM.
It will be very had initially, it will take time but it will get much, much better. Revel in the small victories Thanks

Original poster
samb80 · 30/09/2019 21:04

Thanks @Notwiththeseknees
I'm nine months in though it should be getting better? I think I just needed time to process the girl friend situation because he just wants to rub it in my face which worked. He won - again!
And my hungover state of mind didn't help on top of my sons birthday.
Usually I am a level headed logical person but the last few days I literally went back to day one. I stand by my decision but it's like I need him to abuse me to remind me. Does that sound crazy?

OP posts:
Notwiththeseknees · 30/09/2019 21:18

OP, you must restrict all contact to the absolute bare minimum and don't engage with him. Write the list and that will be enough to remember how he made you feel. It's over now, you are safe and you will be happy. I used to say "this time next year" and then imagine how I would be living & loving my life. How happy I would feel, coming home & not having to walk on eggshells and to be able to please myself. And it worked.
Give it time, but don't let him have the satisfaction of playing his games with you as when you engage, that is more damage & attachment you have to undo. Stop dipping your toe in - he grabs it and pulls you under.

cacklingmags · 30/09/2019 21:34

He is a Narc and he is doing his Narc thing - you got away and he has to show the world how well he is doing. It is hard to get Narcs out of your head. Block him and don't think about him and be thankful you are free.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/09/2019 21:47

Block on everything.. get a good bloomin book and read it... HE will show his true colours to her soon... Flowers

Sunshine93 · 30/09/2019 21:56

Please could you consider freezing or deleting your Facebook account. I never spend 5 minutes on there without feeling worse about my life and that's just from normal pics of people having amazing fun with their family or looking lovingly at their hubby even though I know they argue all the time. If you are going through as tough a time as you are it's really the worst thing for you.

Do you have a friend you can confide in? It sounds like you need to separate yourself further from this dreadful man, can you move away?

He attacked you in front of your children. They wouldn't suffer from being a bit further away and even if they are "begging" you to be friends it really doesn't sound like the right thing to do. They need to see that you won't take that from him

Don't give a second thought to the text. It couldn't matter less what you texted him. He doesn't matter.

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