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Original poster

Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

476 replies

Nattyjackie · 29/09/2019 11:53

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

OP posts:
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 01/10/2019 19:01

@GregoriaTheGreat so by your logic we should forgive all people and condem no one no matter what they have done

GregoriaTheGreat · 01/10/2019 19:18

I was in fact going to qualify my post, redapple, but then decided to let it stand for itself and wait for someone to challenge it.

The addendum I deleted said that I think this is a generally good way to approach things that aren't life-threatening or illegal. (I know some people would manage to forgive these latter transgressions, too, but I would find that well-nigh impossible).

Winterlife · 01/10/2019 19:27

OW knew he had a family from the beginning and actively pursued him (this does not diminish his culpability btw this is just for background info)

Affair been going on for sometime

No chance of future kids

OP, has your brother left his wife for OW?

Were this the fact pattern before me, at functions, I would just ignore her. If she spoke to me, I would answer but disengage. I'd host Christmas dinner and invite the ex and kids. Let DB have dinners with her family.

IMO, people with the morals of an alley cat should not be surprised when they are treated as such.

what are your thoughts in this context?

Winterlife · 01/10/2019 19:29

Why would some of you forgive their relative who cheated but not the OW/OM??? Because the relative is your own blood? Is that it?
From the many replies to the OP it sounds like it's still the OW who gets most of the blame. Why?? Because she's a woman? Remember it takes two to tango.

Because you can't disown family, entirely. Furthermore, it's not about forgiveness. It's about tolerating bad behaviour.

Winterlife · 01/10/2019 19:34

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.

[...]

For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Winterlife · 01/10/2019 19:38

You have serious issues @beautifulmelody**

No she doesn't. So she refuses to accept the OW. That's her prerogative. She is not compelled to like the OW, or respect her, or have any relationship with her. She can call her a vagina if she chooses.

The OW is nothing to her.

GregoriaTheGreat · 01/10/2019 19:57

Indeed not. But I think (and I am absolutely no expert, being anything other than a God-squadder) it's God (if you call it that) who can judge an adulterer, whereas all humans are flawed, so basically need to concentrate on putting their own houses in order, rather going around judging everyone else.

Happy to be corrected, though.

I do think these things are very, very complicated. I'd have been thrilled if XH had had an affair, as it would have given him something to do other than be a shit to me.

GregoriaTheGreat · 01/10/2019 19:57

^ @Winterlife

AloneLonelyLoner · 01/10/2019 20:00

Of course she should be accepted.
Of course people shouldn't be punished forever for falling in love. They haven't murdered someone. People should practise forgiveness.

If people out there can forgive murderers then people can get over their family member having an affair and then a committed relationship with someone.

batvixen123 · 01/10/2019 20:02

Were this the fact pattern before me, at functions, I would just ignore her. If she spoke to me, I would answer but disengage. I'd host Christmas dinner and invite the ex and kids. Let DB have dinners with her family.

And if the OP is ready to have no relationship with her brother in future then she should absolutely do that. Because that's the kind of behaviour that leads people to go NC with their family.

AloneLonelyLoner · 01/10/2019 20:05

I'm with @GregoriaTheGreat on this one.

Not one of us is free of wrongdoing or mistake. We are all imperfect and it is a sad and hurtful thing to engage in acrimony and anger because of something which someone else chose to do (wrong or not). In the end it just hurts you to be bitter.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/10/2019 20:29

TBH if someone is wailing and tantrumming and going on for month or years about the fact that their partner left them for someone else, it's easy to see why the partner walked out: the relationship was probably hell on earth.
People are not property, they cannot be 'stolen'. If you let being dumped 'ruin your life', then it's your fault. No one person is worth that much drama: the more civil you are to an XP (who did nothing wrong apart from preferring someone else to you) the easier it will be for everyone including you. Staying bitter, whining on about the evils of adultery, taking no responsibility for your own wellbeing or for your marriage not having worked out - these are all things that are bad for you and cause you more misery than any other person could.

BiggerThanBoo · 01/10/2019 20:31

Depends on loads of things imo.
Age of the kids being the main one.
But no I don't think OW should expect it from children / siblings, the mans parents perhaps but that's about it.
It takes a long time for these things to heal.

BiggerThanBoo · 01/10/2019 20:44

I could never like or respect a woman who actively pursued a married man with kids!
And I'd have low respect and just tolerance for brother afterwards.
Cordial with a touch of frost would be the attitude for me! Lol

Myriade · 01/10/2019 20:50

It is difficult to seperate the two people (relative and OW) but inevitably you do because one you have a relationship with and who you love and care about. The other person has brought pain and suffering to those you love (neices, nephews, SIL).
I fully disagree with that.
The person who brought pain and suffering to those you love is YOUR BROTHER. No two ways about it. It’s him who let your dsil down, who has hurt his dcs etc...
the OW might have started pursuing him or he could have, does it matter? The one and only person who has and had any responsibility about the wellbeing of the children, sil etc... is HIM

But somehow it seems that it’s easier to put all the responsibility in her and forget (or diminish) his ‘because you love him’ and somehow you don’t know her so it doesn’t matter if she is at the receiving end of your anger/disapproval?
I think you are not putting the responsibility where it belongs. Like a lot of women who have been cheated in too (and society at large), somehow it’s the other WOMAN who is at fault....

Seriously, it doesn’t matter if she started it. It doesn’t matter if they were together for a long time. It doesn’t matter if she knew he was married. These are all EXCUSES from your brother to deflect as much responsibility as possible away from him.

If you were saying that you have little respect for her, I would get it. But Only as long as you have the same (low) level of respect for your brother. And if you were giving her the same sort of welcome than if you had discovered your brother’s girlfriend had had an affair before (but not with him and not destroying YOUR family). I suspect you wouldnt be as harsh and would be giving her the benefit of the doubt....

SaraNade · 01/10/2019 20:58

@Andysbestadventure I don't think you have the right to tell beautifulmelody how she feels about or how she describes the other woman that caused HER and her family pain. You're not her, so how dare you think you have the right to tell her how she describes the OW who tore HER family apart? What gives you the right to judge one of the victims in this case? As a victim of having an OW come in and tear her family apart, I think she more than has the right to describe the OW as she sees fit. It is her life, her history, her story. Quite frankly, 'vagina' is the least I'd call her (c8m dumpster comes to mind). It has nothing to do with 'internalised misogyny' bs, omg what rubbish. Women can hate other women, men can hate other men. This has nothing to do with misogyny, this is about how a victim of OW chooses to tell her story. And you don't have the right to shame her for that.

lottelupin · 01/10/2019 21:59

Winterlife Smile

batvixen123 · 01/10/2019 22:02

@SaraNade - nope. Misogyny is misogyny. You (or anyone else) don't get a free pass for using terrible language perpetuating horrible stereotypes that have damaged women for centuries and continue to damage women just because your husband didn't want to be with you any more.

SaraNade · 01/10/2019 22:06

@batvixen123 Absolutely no misogyny on this thread by anyone. Unless you mean the sexist 'women shouldn't call women out because.....they're women'.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 01/10/2019 22:09

There are some seriously nasty people on this thread. Definitely misogyny. Totally disgusting human beings. God help you if you ever make a mistake or realise you are married to the wrong person.

KylieKoKo · 01/10/2019 22:14

@SaraNade calling a woman vagina because you disapprove of their behaviour is misogynistic. Its akin to using racial slurs towards people of a different race and then saying it's not racist because they have angered you.

SaraNade · 01/10/2019 22:15

Lol Yes, seriously nasty to call out people that make nasty choices to tear a family apart. Apparently calling a woman to account is misogyny because she is a woman, so therefore shouldn't be called to account. Misogyny writ large right there. So hypocritical.

SaraNade · 01/10/2019 22:17

@KylieKoKo Oh my goodness, people on here call men 'dick's all the time, is that misandrist? Seriously get real. What absolute rubbish, and I think many don't actually know what real misogyny is.

Theredjellybean · 01/10/2019 22:24

I was ow.
My dp's children and family and friends all welcomed me.
His marriage had been hell, he was miserable.. They were glad when it ended and he was actually happy with a living supportive partner.
My brother left his wife for his affair partner and we all cheered as his ex wife made his life miserable.
Why do we presume that all relationships that start this way will be met with hostility?
My dsd often tell me how much they love seeing their father happy with me.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 01/10/2019 22:26

Why does anyone need to hold anyone to account? Ffs. It is just two people who decide that they prefer each other to their current partners. It happens on both sides. It may not be a pleasant experience, but any man or woman who gives another person enough power to ruin their lives has bigger problems than a relationship breakdown.

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