To think not everyone wants to live a long time?

[jennymanara]

I am friends with someone who works in health education and we have talked about this. She thinks that anyone who is not very depressed wants to live a long time, and all they need is to know how to do this.

I think a lot of people actually do not want to live a long time. Even for many physically healthy people very old age can be a harsh time. Many people are very lonely, constant bereavements is an ordinary part of the territory, and seeing loved ones die from painful illnesses is tough.

Father in his 80s declining for 18 months and now dying, yes it will be relatively short but not much fun to watch. He nearly died aged 80 but was saved.
Godmother in her 80s has been in hospital for 6 months following a fall/head injury.
Mother in her 80s miserable where she lives and losing her memory which upsets her.
Aunt in her 80s with dementia, still enjoying life to some extent but becoming upset at how little she can remember and needing increasing amounts of care.
Mother in law in her 80s with quite severe dementia now, she knows still though that it's really hard on her husband who is caring 24/7.
Aunt in her 80s with dementia, she has been bed bound for 18 months and it is just possible she still recognises her husband, but nobody else.
Grandmother died 87 in a home having said for five years that she'd had enough.

I don't want to die in my 60s. But I don't want to risk living like this in my 80s. I must take the chances to die that come to me, if I don't want that.

Nah fuck that, I'm only 38 and already pretty tired.

I remember going through my gran's address book with her to make a Christmas card list. Gran was 90+ and the conversation went something like this:

Joan?
Dead
Mary?
Dead
Elsie?
Might as well be dead

And repeat...

Both my grandmas had dementia for quite a while before they died. I definitely do not want my mum, or myself, to live that long if that's how it will be.

My greatest fear used to be dying young.

Over the last few years, after watching my parents enter their eighties and slowly fall to
pieces, I’m now afraid of living too long.

@endofthedays I have friends of different ages, but most of my friends I have known since I was very young. So yes as I get older, so do they. And if I lived to a 100, the chances are they would all have died. Bereavement is tough.

Bereavement is tough - this is true OP.

But it is possible for hearts to take in the pain and continue to find other happiness.

There's a book that I hate - but it works - called 'If it hurts, it isn't love'.

It's not about dismissing, ignoring or dismissing pain but more about acceptance and why we might choose to punish ourselves through pain.

I think to a degree what you want depends on how those around you have aged.

My parents are in their 70s. My dad is self employed and loves what he does, I can’t see him giving it up any time soon. Mum has an active social life and they travel a lot together.

DHs grandma is 88 and living independently, sees the grandchildren and great grandchildren. No longer drives but still gets out and about on the bus.

I aspire to be like them.

I’d be happy to go in 20 years. I’m 50 now. Definitely by 80. I’d like to avoid taking any life-prolonging meds and die of a stroke like my grandparents. And I know a fair number of elderly people who say they are ready to go- poor quality of life, pain etc. Something keeps people going though - maybe the medical system itself won’t let them go?

I'm really shocked and saddwned by this thread. I'm 40 and hope to live at least another 40 years. My uncle has just turned 70 and is about to become a grandad for the first time. My in laws are turning 70 and my parents aren't too far behind. I class them as coming out of middle age and into elderly I suppose. They've all got various aches and pains but none of them are fundamentally different from how they were twenty years ago.
This thread probably has an element of bias but if it is really representative then these views need to inform policy for the elderly.

Interesting thread. I think it is a dreadful shame that our twilight years are not something most can actually look forward to. Of course, good health is hugely important in that, but to be honest I am just utterly horrified at the prospect of being shunted into a shockingly expensive care home and never visited, or a long protracted illness.

My DH and I are both the youngest in our family and have no kids. We are very much hoping that by the time we get to that point, they have legalised some form of assisted suicide tbh.

But the idea of happily living among friends like being back in uni halls of residence well into our nineties is a far more attractive prospect, I just wish it was more common and affordable.

The Mumsnet Towers Assisted Living Residence For Disreputable Women, anyone? I'm in!

I want to live as long as I am independent and enjoying life. I am surprised some people don't want to live past 60. 60s and 70s can be great if health is good. Fewer responsibilities, time to spend on your interests etc. but I do agree that if I was chronically ill and lost independence I would like to say goodbye ( hopefully in a painless manner).

I agree the idea of carrying on into my 80s with good health and independence would be fine, if I can still drive and look after myself and afford to do the things that make me happy. But if I was really struggling financially, making me more housebound and less able to eat well and and enjoy life, and lonely because I have no sense of worth from my work and no family or friends to care about me, then what is the point of being alive?

I am in my late forties and my youngest has only just left home. I feel I am only now getting to start out on many of life’s adventures. The idea of being dead in 15 years is awful.

There are clearly different ways to live, and I respect OP that you’ve had the skills and commitment to keep a particular friendship group throughout life, and the price of that would be terrible, terrible grief.

I think this thread has pretty much demonstrated that for many reasons people do not want to live into old age.

But I feel very fortunate to have good role models who did!

I'd like to get to 70 but no more than that, I'm 63 and not depressed.

I had a major breakdown in 2008, it did take a long time to get back to normal, but it happened eventually.

Mother has Alzheimer's, Grandma had Alzheimer's, it worries me.

I don’t think I’ll see old age. All of the females in my family die around 50, some less

Saying that, everything I love to do I won’t be able to when I’m old and decrepit. I probably won’t be able to ride or care for horses, most likely won’t have any dogs to walk, no friends to go out dancing around with, my children will be grown up and won’t need me. Everything I love in my life will be gone anyway.

People who expect to die young, do you think you have got more out of life? I think I have a done a great deal of lounging about on the basis I have ages.

Maneandfeathers no idea about horses but you should be dancing on your eighties if you want to

I'm happy to keep going as long as I don't become physically or mentally frail, or both, unable to look after myself, and become a worry and burden to my children. My greatest fear is dementia, since I've seen far too much of it close up. My mother had it for maybe 15 years until she died at 97 - she was in a most pitiful state for her last few years.

Dh and I have both added clauses to our Health and Welfare Lasting Powers of Attorney, to state that if we get to the stage where we are both a) unable to care for ourselves, and b) speak (with full mental capacity) for ourselves, then with the possible exception of e.g. anything like a broken hip, we categorically do not want any medical or surgical interventions to keep us going when Nature might be trying to,let us go. We ask for palliative care only.

IMO far too many very old people with dementia, are kept alive - in and out of hospital, stuffed with medication to keep them 'healthy' - for what?? - when it would often be kinder to let nature take its course.

For some reason I've always said I'd be happy with 84

How many of you who don't want to live to old age have an Advance Decision?

On the one hand I've said I don't want to live more than 85 years, on the other hand I work in healthcare and see a lot of people whose quality of life I'd say was awful but who cling to life.

Oh, and a pp mentioned someone who said that if they ever got dementia, they'd do away with themselves.

People often say this, but what they don't seem to understand is that by the time you do have it to any noticeable extent, you very likely won't umderstand that you've got it, or even that there's anything wrong with you at all.

You may quite quickly get to the stage where you can't remember that you can't remember anything - if that makes sense. Denial is very common in people with dementia, except that it's not denial in the real sense at all.

My mother still genuinely thought there was nothing wrong with her when she could no,longer even make herself a cup of tea.
But in her poor old head of course she could, same as she could (could not!) do all the other things she'd always done - shopping, cooking, managing her finances, etc.

I looked after my grandparents in old age till death. It's pitiful even when you have loved ones.

I don't think I'll change my mind 80smum,
Im pretty black and white when it comes to myself. For others I can see shades of grey but I've had years of cbt/therapy and I know myself really well.

I know that illness, aches, pain and loneliness would be worse than now. Life is hard now and I love being a mum to my two dds. What about when I'm no longer needed. I will be so proud they are grown and independent but if single I know I won't want to be here. I know what I like and growing old alone is never going to be on the list.

I'm not going to kill myself. I would never have the courage. I'm still recovering from my dh's suicide.

That's why I'm obsessed with taking the few chances that we get to die.

Yanbu.

I'd like to live just long enough to be a grandma, and then pop my clogs while the grandkids are still too young to really get what death is.

My granny was very healthy, vegetarian, hardly ever drank and did yoga every day while her body allowed, she lived to 98 and was utterly miserable for the last 25 years of her life after health issues took away her capacity to do any of the things she used to enjoy. I actively avoid doing the things that I am told will help me live longer as I simply do not want that.

I'm shocked that so many don't want to live past 60 too! I'm only 15 years away from 60 and the thought of dying then is horrific to me. I look at my parents, DM is 71 and in great health, DF is 76 and in spite of several heart problems and three stents fitted he's in good health. They are both really enjoying retirement, travelling, pottering in the garden, spending time with friends, etc. My aunt, aged 72, is still fell running, cycling and going on walking holidays. She's widowed, but seems to never be sitting at home on her own - she goes to the U3A to study languages, she sings in a choir and has a more full life than I do! If you're in good health then why dread that stage? It's the one after that worries me - real old age, rather than just retirement age.