or is my mother? About presents

[AvenueQ]

For Christmas and birthdays my mum always asks for really specific things that require extensive trawling around the shops (and even then might not be successful) and I feel really resentful that she puts this on my because I work a lot (teacher), even at weekends, and have three children, one with SN, so life is busy - I never even go shopping for myself!
On top of that my mum has always been rubbish at giving presents, doesn't put a lot of effort in and has been known to give me the same thing several times.

On the flip side she has been financially very generous to me over the years, so should I make the effort in order to show my appreciation?

Does she know they require this much effort? Can you give examples of the kind of items you mean?

I tend to buy all presents online so the idea of trawling round the shops is alien to me!

Can you give her specific things to buy for your family if she gives you a list?

Can’t you get her presents online? Also, if she likes telling you want she wants, why don’t you tell her exactly what you want? Obviously she needs the help.

Her birthday is coming up and she's asked for a replacement for a pendant I bought her years ago - which I bought her and which she's lost! She wants it as similar as possible - hard to find online.

For xmas she asked for a particular kind of skirt which again you had to do in person because it was hard to tell which was right from online descriptions.

Suggest something you’d like to get her instead? Magazine subscription, a season ticket for a place she likes, a cookery class? Don’t trawl round shops at Christmas, it’s torture.

She needs to make an Amazon wish list.

Or similarly, you say 'I'm not sure exactly what you mean, could you send me a link please?'.

I find your description contradictory. If she was really specific, she and you would know exactly what and where. If she expressed a vague but strong desire, or requested something she'd dreampt up that didn't necessarily exist, you'd have to trawl around shops.

I don't give her specific things we want because past experience shows she'll still get the wrong thing.

I'd rather we both just kept it low effort! Tbh I'd be fine with no presents- neither of us really needs anything

Surely this isn't what presents are about? You're not an online shop that she's placing an order in FFS! Totally fine to give a general idea but this level of specifics is crazy.

If she wouldn't be happy with something you'd choose, based on what she's said she wants, I'd just give her a voucher or cash so she can get it herself

Crossed posted.

With the 2 examples you have you can totally do that online. Just get gift receipts so she can change if necessary

She'll say "I want a skirt that matches these criteria" then expect me to find one.

God no way would I do this and you have a much busier life than me.

So do your best with online descriptions, with gift receipt, or get her a voucher

Are these requests unsolicited or do you ask her what she'd like?

Surely with clothing, she needs to try it on and choose it, so vouchers.

I think you just need to tell her. You used to have time for leisurely shopping, pre-DC, now you don't, so either she links to the exact things she wants, or you give her vouchers / money to find it herself, or you choose a different gift.

I suggest you set up an online wish-list for yourself. It sounds like she needs that guidance and you'd benefit from it.

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson unfortunately this is made harder by her living in another country so anything she gets wrong I can't swap.
In the past she sent me an item back, I had to go back to shops to change it then send again. Which adds more work - packing, going to post office

Has she got a phone with a camera? Get her to do the trawling and take a photo of the item code and the shop. If it’s a skirt ask her to go and try it on then take a pic of the label.
If she doesn’t want to then you need to say that you’ll get her what you can but no promises. You’re giving yourself stress you don’t need.

Why don’t you suggest ‘no gifts’, my parents and I no longer exchange presents, none of us ‘need’ anything. Suggest going out for a nice meal or theatre trip?

And if that doesn’t work then you need to be more assertive, when she gives you her request, make your own request back to her?

As a teacher surely you have experience in being direct and assertive .

You could just tell her you’ve struggled to find an item like that and ask has she seen one anywhere or could she send you any links

Drip feed !

Honestly, if she lives in a different county just say it’s far too difficult/expensive to shop, choose, pack and post gifts. Make it clear that you do not expect her to buy gifts for you and the children, if you really want them to believe they have received something from Grandma then just wrap something small up yourself and write her name on the tag.

This is hard .. I would send her vouchers or money.

As it’s only twice a year, and as she has been so generous to you financially, I think you should make the effort.

Really sorry about the drip feed!!

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery she'll say , unprompted, oh if you're wondering what to get for my birthday could you look for...

Does Amazon operate in the country she lives in? Are there shops that issue vouchers? Use those and she can have the 'fun' of shopping and choosing her special item herself.

Does she use the internet? Does she understand that she can do the looking at shops here and you can just collect and post?

The year we told our relatives we were only going to buy gifts for the children was a huge relief. Do this with your dm.