or is my mother? About presents

[AvenueQ]

For Christmas and birthdays my mum always asks for really specific things that require extensive trawling around the shops (and even then might not be successful) and I feel really resentful that she puts this on my because I work a lot (teacher), even at weekends, and have three children, one with SN, so life is busy - I never even go shopping for myself!
On top of that my mum has always been rubbish at giving presents, doesn't put a lot of effort in and has been known to give me the same thing several times.

On the flip side she has been financially very generous to me over the years, so should I make the effort in order to show my appreciation?

Perhaps you could say “Great - I might not be able to find that in time before your birthday but I will see what I can do. Have you seen one that you like? - if you find one I am very happy to buy it.”

Post the picture here and we will help.......

If you're looking for a solution that doesn't involve you saying anything to your mother (e.g. "let's not do gifts" or "let's set up wishlists") then you've set everyone a bit of a hunt for the unobtanium yourself.

Why not just take it at face value? So if she says "oh if you're wondering what to get for my birthday could you look for..." just say "actually I've got you a voucher. then you can find exactly what you want yourself".

I also think it’s passive aggressive. She’s returned presents that are wrong.

Tell her you can’t find one and she should search online and find something she likes within a budget of x and you’ll pay for it. Rinse repeat.

And in future, start emailing her links of exactly what you want or ask for vouchers from now on.

Basically she can’t be arsed to shop for herself let alone you and is pushing all the donkey work onto you.

Here it is

Can’t she send you an exact link?

Honestly, those things sound so much easier to find online than in the shops. Wandering from shop to shop looking for an amber pendant shaped like a fish? No. Same search online and bush bash bosh, you’re fine.

I think you’re making heavy weather of this OP. Spend half an hour searching online and buy the best option or if you fail to find anything good send her chocolates or a book you enjoyed instead.

OR she buys it and you reimburse her?

I'd just stop inquiring about what she'd like, or making any comment about birthdays and Christmas. Simply start sending vouchers , with a cheerful note saying " Here is a voucher - enjoy shopping for something you'd really like !"

I would imagine a pendant would be easy enough to find online. I’d do it for my mum. You don’t have to trawl shops just get it delivered straight to her.
Clothes are more difficult so I’d give her cash for that as she will need to try on.

post what you looking for - you'll have links in moments

I think she is being a bit unreasonable but you too. She can be as picky as she wants but you don’t need to, you are trying to find the best match. Just stop, get something that is ok dies not need to be perfect. She will return it, that’s fine, after three returns you tell her it is better for her to select what she wants and that you will pay for it.

yes I get that, I think it just grates a bit as well because she never gives good presents ever

This is coming from an adult who has stated she has been financially helped a lot by her mother. In fact, perhaps you and your adult children should now be more appreciative of all she has done for you in life and request her not to get you anything.

You sound absolutely ungrateful, I bet your mother was worth all the time when you needed her financial help.

Amazon wish lists are the way to go.

I don’t think she is unreasonable asking for
Specific presents that require a bit of effort. It seems fairly normal to me to expect your loved ones to make some effort once a year! Seems better to me than a fussy mum who Just says ‘Oo surprise me’. I think you are making too big a deal Of it. If you only have an hour to spare, then spend that time looking and get the best you can find or apologise, get flowers, and continue to keep an eye out for next time. I think wanting her to suggest things that require zero effort is a bit mean.

[https://www.tulipjewellery.co.uk/collections/sterling-silver-necklaces/products/ida-sterling-silver-teardrop-pendant]

How about this?

Or if you think maybe another generally nice necklace would work, Ortak have a huge selection. Does the shop you originally bought it from no longer exist?

I think she’s trying to be helpful and isn’t saying she’d only like the gift if you got it exactly right.

www.tulipjewellery.co.uk/collections/sterling-silver-necklaces/products/ida-sterling-silver-teardrop-pendant

If there is a big department store in her country that does online purchases and allows returns, just get her something as close as possible and have it posted direct to her.

Thank you for helping with links!

I think as always threads can be limited in what I can put across of a complex relationship
Yes she's given me money and I am grateful.
On the other hand, she has never helped me with my children while helping my brother lots, she has been unkind about my son with SN, and there are other things.

All reasons why I struggle with it.
And all this dripfeed again!!

Is that pendant silver or a stone? sorry I cant tell. Not on the high street will be able to match that I'm sure.notonthehighstreet.com

I only buy stuff online. I'm not going out foraging for presents like a caveman.

What would her reaction be if you didn’t get what she asked for?

What about this one? It's available on Amazon prime too!

Vinani Pendant Almond Eye Design Elegant Curved Brushed Shiny with Snake Chain 925 Sterling Silver Italian Oval 2ARU - S00 https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07D9N5WFJ/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_uehKDb9ZVRY44

Oh fuck that.
Get on to Interflora. Just send her a floral tribute.
Job done. Box ticked. Move on with your life.

Getting Mumsnet to search each time isn't really going to solve the problem - even though it's fun googling for someone else

She's sent you a PA note that says don't worry if you can't find the time.

I'd call her bluff, text back that you don't have the time and can she think of something else socks or chocolate or find a link to send you.

You'll only have to do it once or twice and she'll get the message.