or is my mother? About presents

[AvenueQ]

For Christmas and birthdays my mum always asks for really specific things that require extensive trawling around the shops (and even then might not be successful) and I feel really resentful that she puts this on my because I work a lot (teacher), even at weekends, and have three children, one with SN, so life is busy - I never even go shopping for myself!
On top of that my mum has always been rubbish at giving presents, doesn't put a lot of effort in and has been known to give me the same thing several times.

On the flip side she has been financially very generous to me over the years, so should I make the effort in order to show my appreciation?

Brown polished stone?

Oval stone

I think it's time to stop with all the present-buying nonsense! Just tell your mother to buy what she wants for herself and you will do the same. Sorted!

It's taken me up to 51 to realise presents I buy for my parents are bought with stress and when I think I've found suitable gifts they are not used (except the cordless vacuum I bought my parents, my DM loves hoovering. I do not follow her). Recent occasions she's had a M&S giftcard but my DF is a bit trickier as he doesn't shop.

I would take her suggestion to mean, she liked your choice of original pendant. It seems neutral (goes with everything) and likes the size/length etc. I'd find something in a similar style but doesn't have to be identical. Not On The High Street is usually a good bet.

I'd avoid buying clothing, but send a voucher for a local department store or similar with lots of choice, so she can find something in the correct fit.

I would suggest she sends money for the kids and you choose something here. Or depending how often you visit and where you mum is, can she buy kids gifts there (with you/them) and you take them home for gifting later?

I would continue sending gifts, especially if you aren't able to see her much, but go for something similar/nice on the same theme.

Not going to lie, that necklace is harder to find than I expected. I’ve been searching for modernist + steel + pendant + necklace and not found anything close to it.

Apologies if this has already been suggested but could you tell her that you can't find one exactly the same but would she like you to choose another pendant? Maybe she'd like to have a necklace from her daughter to wear?

Just say no. MIL did this years ago asking for a dark green jumper for FIL, not olive. I spent three hours goung to every shop in my local large town when I had two small children and a fulltime job when I had 4 hours to do all my Xmas shopping. Apoligised and met with "I didn't think you'd find one, I've looked everywhere - insert metropolitan northern City" it's called taking the piss. Never asked again. They get what they're given.

What's passive aggressive about saying that? I'll often add "but don't spend too much time looking"

“Don’t spend too much time looking” has a completely different sentiment behind it to “Don’t feel obliged to waste time looking”.

The OP didn’t say it would be a waste of her time. She said she didn't have the time at all.

Here’s one - it’s used, but then you can’t have everything

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Stunning-Vintage-925-Sterling-Silver-Pendant-Drop-Modernist-Charm-4g-Retro/303114176523?hash=item469303480b:g:yEUAAOSwaFNcolfG

Just be honest and explain how busy you are so you don’t have the time to trawl around for specific fussy presents. Tell her you’ll send a voucher or money so she can get it herself.

@incogKNEEto that is great, thank you!! Will order that one!!

Glad to help! I do all my shopping on line and love looking for things .

Why not say to her in the future, “ that’s fine, Mum - you source it and buy it and I’ll pay you back”. Job done!

Sorry OP but I think you're making this bigger than it needs to be. If she sends you stuff you don't like or want just give it to a charity shop - and no don't feel guilty. If she requests stuff that's very specific just find something (doesn't have to be anything like what she requested) but just a nice present and give her that. If she says she wanted a specific skirt just say "Oh, sorry couldn't find anything remotely like it, hope you like the anyway". Re the pendant just send another you like "Couldn't find anything like last time, hope you grow to love this one!" Etsy and Trouva both have nice gifts online that are easily mailable.

I’ve had this sort of thing occasionally from my mum.

Last year it was “I’d like a necklace with a pendant made from this semi-precious stone. But not too long and not too short. With a pendant that’s not too big but not too small. I don’t want it to be too plain or too fussy”

So, too specific, but at the same time, not specific enough.

In the end I said something along the lines of I don’t know what to buy, I just don’t know what necklace you will like, please send me some links to ones you like.

Which worked out ok, as mum found one she liked which I then bought. But it would have been difficult if she’d been unwilling to give a link to one she liked.

The thing about the "you source it and I'll pay", or "I don't have enough time I'll buy you a voucher" type answers, is that while practical, they don't touch the real issue, because what the mum wants is thought and effort, not the cash or item itself. And that's kind of what OP doesn't want to give, because of back-story of resentment and other complexities.

I'd possibly over-egg how much trouble you went to over this necklace, OP (nice choice btw) and how you think it's super-pretty and will suit her. It'll be interesting to see if she returns it.

I'd get her a pendant that's as similar as you can off amazon and she'll have to have that . Then in future send flowers which is easy to organise over the internet with international florists eg interflora or serenata. Don't ask ! That's that !

When she mentions Christmas I would reply "I've already bought you something"... then every occasion afterwards do the same!!!

Always something you can't return either...

I hadn't even thought about her birthday yet, too preoccupied with my daughter going to uni, when she came out with this request.
Will have to make things clear early for Christmas

Stop this now, it’s stupid. Send her bloody flowers. She’s sounds like a right cow.

Dp’s Grandma is like that. When we first got together dp and mil would be be tearing their hair out trying to find the specific item she had requested but without being specific enough IYSWIM.
Couple of years in, In May!!!! “ooh if you’re struggling for ideas for Christmas for me...” ooh no that’s ok I’ve bought your present already I got a head start this year! And repeat! Mil and fil have now started doing the same thing.
Tbf she gets lovely presents that she enjoys and wears and uses, it’s just not a jumper which is the same colour pink as she had in the wallpaper in the downstairs bathroom in 1974.