or is my mother? About presents

[AvenueQ]

For Christmas and birthdays my mum always asks for really specific things that require extensive trawling around the shops (and even then might not be successful) and I feel really resentful that she puts this on my because I work a lot (teacher), even at weekends, and have three children, one with SN, so life is busy - I never even go shopping for myself!
On top of that my mum has always been rubbish at giving presents, doesn't put a lot of effort in and has been known to give me the same thing several times.

On the flip side she has been financially very generous to me over the years, so should I make the effort in order to show my appreciation?

Agree, vouchers, money, flowers, a hamper. Go generic. Save the hard to get right things for when you see her and can choose together.

Her birthday is coming up and she's asked for a replacement for a pendant I bought her years ago - which I bought her and which she's lost! She wants it as similar as possible - hard to find online.

I would say, “I’m sorry, unless you can tell me where to look, I just don’t have the time to trawl the entire Internet looking for a replacement. Is there anything else you’d like that you could send me a link to?” And say the same for everything else she asks you to get.

Or maybe better still, get her something with a passing resemblance to the thing, that takes you five minutes to find online. Tell her the company doesn’t take returns for jewellery, so if she doesn’t like it, just re-gift it. If she returns it to you anyway, send it straight back. Seriously, no-one has time for that shit.

Or say 'actually I've already got you something'.

Sorry to dripfeed further- I said to her about the pendant that I'd struggle to find the time. She then sent me a photo of the one she's lost with the message "just to remind you what it looked like, please don't feel obliged to waste time looking for one"

which I thought was a bit passive aggressive?

This was two weeks ago, on a Saturday.
On the Sunday, as I told her, I had to go to Ikea for my daughter's move to uni.
The Saturday after I took my dd to uni. Sunday I worked.
Yesterday I cleaned the house etc, today I have to do marking.
In the week I just don't have time.
Her birthday is next Saturday 😩

We've told everyone that we are no longer buying christmas presents. As we want to spend our limited budget on our children instead. Best thing we ever did. I dont over spend my budget, we don't get crappy presents in return and my girls get better presents.

You need to stop exchanging presents or just get her flowers or a hamper or similar delivered from a supplier in the country where she lives.

Unless she works in some sort of big job, cares for elderly relatives or does a lot of volunteering, she almost certainly has infinitely more time than you so she needs to do this fruitless trawling round herself.

I’d just get her vouchers. Then she can find her own stuff.

In that case I'd just say I couldn't find one and could she link you to something else. Or as others have said, send flowers and leave it at that!

OP just send beautiful flowers for her birthday. Tell her you couldn't find a similar pendant. You are not a personal shopper, you are busy and will gift like a normal person would. If I want specific things, then i buy them as soon as I see them. I certainly wouldnt ask anyone to source it. Flowers stop the returning of parcels too. Just do the flowers. It's a beautiful feeling receiving a bunch of them.

Well she said dont feel obliged to go looking for one....

With the skirt issue just say I'll give you the money and you can choose one, or she chooses one online and you send it her. its ridiculous to give criteria to a person, I do that to myself, dream up something I want and then have to hunt for it and its stressful enough. At least it's for me and I'm in a position to decide if its suitable unlike her, its rude to send it back for a replacement.

If in future she says "if you're thinking of what to get me...." just say no sorted thanks...

Yes! What @Beautiful3 says!

I can guarantee if you put the pic on here someone will tell you where to order it from in about thirty seconds.

Very sad that you’ll happily take money off your mother to enrich your life but you can’t be arsed to go in a few shops to get her something she wants.

Do you ever go visit her for her birthday?

Stop justifying yourself to her and behaving is if you're beholden. You're two adults.

Flowers or something this time.

Next time, shop ahead, so you can say you've alraedy done it.

lf she's being that specific, why doesn't she do what my mother used to do - buy the thing herself, then you give her the money for it? That way she gets exactly what she wants, and you don't run the risk of getting the wrong thing.
She's an adult, for goodness sake. lt's not like it's a spoilt surprise.

If she's said don't feel obliged then definitely say you can't find one, you've looked but can't get to shops again and can she link or would she like a surprise or a voucher ?
I've just gone back to my MIL and said no sorry I won't buy your gifts for the children because you're too busy. She has now done it herself...

It's what me and my sister call
"The hunt for the unobtainium"
If you can't find it in the first 3 shops tell them to pick again.

@Hwory her birthday is always in term time and she lives in another country so no. I visit several times a year though.

I am happy to get her a present it's the specificness that's so hard.

Hwory OP’s a teacher. Her mothers birthday is next weekend, she lives abroad, could be France, could be New Zealand. How’s guilting her about visiting helping?

"just to remind you what it looked like, please don't feel obliged to waste time looking for one"

What's passive aggressive about saying that? I'll often add "but don't spend too much time looking" or "but don't go to a lot of trouble" and people say it to me too. I mean it and I assume they do too.

I take your mum's message to mean "if you come across this it would be great, but don't go searching"

I'd got with flowers or vouchers. Or offer to go shopping with her for skirt/jewellery the next time she's over yours or you are in her home country.

@saraclara just thought it was a bit because I'd said I haven't got time.

Just find something similar online - I mean, the time you're spending on here complaining about it, you could find something. I absolutely wouldn't go to the shops and trawl round for the exact thing, but I would spend a bit of time online.

Presents are obviously important to your mum, and she's helped you out in the past, so give her a half-hour online search.

My parents lived in another country for 15 years (in retirement) and we agreed the best thing to do is to put money into each other's accounts. Same for my DD, then I'd go shopping. So much easier. Mum's suggestion (she's so pragmatic).

@category12 yes I get that, I think it just grates a bit as well because she never gives good presents ever