That my mental health is affected by my 11 month old’s behaviour?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I have an 11 month old, he’s a lovely smiley little boy when we’re out at playgroups/his grandparents house etc. But at home he’s becoming a nightmare. Our living room is attached to the kitchen, so we’ve put a gate on the doorway in between the two. Also, our kitchen leads upstairs, as we don’t have a hallway (Victorian Mill Worker’s cottage on the West Yorkshire/Lancashire border).
He’s now walking independently and very well, he can also climb the stairs efficiently.

He constantly cries each time the gate is opened or shut and he’s on the other side, he wants to be in the kitchen or going upstairs constantly. I can’t get anything done as he wants to be with me all the time. I know this is fairly normal behaviour for a baby, but I am drowning in mess and I’m so tired.
I’m also working 3 days a week, he’s in nursery two days and with his grandparents one day. Apparently he’s got a similar relationship with his key worker, each time she leaves the room or shuts the gate and he’s on the other side, he cries. So she said on her lunch break she takes a quick bite of her sandwich and pops back in for a cuddle and repeat. This is my life all the time. He’s the same with his dad. He sobs uncontrollably when my DP leaves the house in the morning, despite me still being here!
He often cries on and off all day when he sees the gate is shut. We spend a lot of time outside the house as it’s so draining, as a consequence I’m so exhausted!
He cries and stamps his feet when I don’t give him what he wants or when I’m not giving him attention. He climbs onto everything all the time too. I caught him trying to climb onto the windowsill the other day.
He’s still in our bedroom in his cot at night and still won’t nap unless he’s in a moving pushchair or car seat...he’ll occasionally go down on the bed, but we have to lay next to him and then can’t transfer him to his cot or else he wakes up.
He does sleep well at night generally, but wakes for his dummy quite a few times. He stopped breastfeeding by himself two months ago. Just stopped wanting the breast.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

There are too many issues in there. You need to separate these.
The not sleeping in anything but a pushchair and a car is separate from his clinginess.
First of all, if he can walk, then involve him in the activities. If you are loading the washing machine, get him to help etc.
Second, as long as he gets lots of 1:1 attention it is perfectly fine to leave him to cry a bit till a chore is finished (a dishwasher is emptied or something). I don’t normally advocate leaving kids to cry. But this is a child who can see you, and you are right there. It is fine to put him on the other side of the stair gate and carry on for short periods of time. At some point he’ll figure out that it is less interesting to stand and wail than to play.
Always set expectations. I always played for 10-12 mins and then I said, I am going to x room to do y. You carry on. I will be back. Ignore the wails. When I was done (usually 6-7 mins), I would say: I am done with X and now I am back. If you do this consistently it will become a habit and a routine.
What happens when he stamps his feet and demands something? Do you give in?
You can always set gentle boundaries around a child however small.

Where does he nap at nursery? As long as he sleeps there does it matter if he sleeps in the pushchair at home? Really?

Do you have, or could you get, a stair gate for the bottom of the stairs. Then he could be in the kitchen with you and that would be 1 problem solved (you may have to safety proof the kitchen).

When mine were that age they were always in whatever room I was in. That was the only way it worked.

I dont get why you need a gate between the kitchen and living room tbh and not just put one on the stairs.

Just put him in the kitchen with you and give him little jobs to help such as sitting on the floor with a chopping board, knife, pan and carrot for him to chop at etc.

Don’t fight the need for closeness. Give him all the closeness and cuddles he could possibly dream of. He sounds insecure and you sound desperate for some space.

That’s ok- I totally get why you want the space. BUT I think the way to get it is to allow him to be practically velcroed to you for a few weeks til this passes.

Which it will. Everything is a phase!

And in all honesty you'll find that when you stop craving that need for space and put it in his hands HIS need to be so close will drop off.

The main thing IMO is to accept that you won't get much done when you're at home with him and that's ok. Your job that day is to care for your son - housework etc can take second place.

I had a similarly active child. It will start to get easier in a year or so!

I thought most people had a gate on the kitchen because it isn’t that safe for a baby. Maybe we should move the gate to the stairs, but I would want him out of the kitchen whrn there’s hot food being prepared etc.

I'm in this stage right now. It's really difficult but if it helps you at all this post has really comforted me. Its so good to know I'm not alone!
I have taken all gates down as they caused or problems than they solved to be honest.
However, DS is so clingy at the moment. He's stopped napping on his own and will only nap on me or in the car. I have been telling myself it will pass just like every other stage has. I hope you can find comfort in the same

I've never had a gate on the kitchen, only at the top and bottom of the stairs.

Does he have a chair he can sit in when you are cooking?

The more you keep him on the other side of the gate the clingier he will get. This is a normal stage and he needs to start to feel secure that you are there for him even if momentarily he can't see and feel you. The key is to not expect to get too much done when he's awake and to plan so that he can be playing in the same room as you as much as possible. Working on his sleep may help you to get some more time back and feel less drained. You have a DP too so change the story from 'I am drowning in mess' to 'we are'. Your DP needs to be part of the solution too.

What about a visual timer (like a sand timer). You can say "I'm going to load the dishwasher, I will play with you in 2 minutes" set the timer and stick to it. After 2 minutes stop what you're doing and play with him.
Although he is probably too young to really "get" it, at least you and he will know it is time limited.

The separation anxiety is 100% normal. Maybe put him in a high chair in the kitchen while you're cooking?

I would often have mine on my back in a sling so I could cook at that age!

I'd tackle the sleeping. Napping in a pushchair is fine but obviously you don't want to go for a walk everyday so transition to sleeping in a pushchair in the house. You can rock him to sleep in it and jiggle him if he stirs.

Bedtime - I would aim to get him settling in the cot. Lay him down and stay with him, patting and shushing him in the cot. If he gets upset cuddle him until he's calm then lay him down again. Yes, the first night it will take an hour! But within a week you should be able to lay him down and shush/pat him briefly while he settles.

Dummy waking - you can tackle this two ways. Either get rid of the dummy, or teach him to replace it himself. I'd get a dummy blanket/dummy tot toy that you can attach multiple dummies too so he can find it himself, and if he wakes just put the dummies in/near his hand rather than in his mouth. Then try giving him 5 minutes to find it himself before you help him.

At this age I had DS in his high chair while I was cooking, playing or 'helping' or I let him wreck the cupboards that were safe. Put all plastic and pans in cupboards he van reach and let him pull them out and put them back etc. Agree with PPs as stair gate is more important.
I'm Also not clear on why he's still in your room..
I also used a travel cot as play pen which let him roam around the edges and play with me near by but kept him safe.

The playpen and highchair ideas wont work with him as he doesn’t like to be contained and has started trying to climb out of the high chair, even when strapped in, which is another thing to worry about!

He’s still in our bedroom as he wouldn’t settle in his own room and I was breastfeeding until a couple of months ago. Plus he sleeps well in our bedroom and I didn’t want to move him just as I was returning to work and he was up all hours again. We need to move him soon though.

Thank you for the suggestions. I will try them all.
This phase is really hard, for me anyway.

1. Why do you need to move him out of the room? Is that because you/DH want to or because that’s what expected? He sleeps well, and sleeps in a cot. Does it matter where the cot is located? I say this because my kids slept in their own cot but in my room for 3 years and 22 months respectively. And when they transitioned to their own rooms they did so really happily and we have never had the endless coming out of the room stage.

We made sure dd couldn’t get into the cupboards we didn’t want her in (cleaning ones or glass stuff etc) so when I cook she plays with the plastic mixing bowls, putting them in size order and stacking them etc. Also plastic jugs and wooden spoons etc she ‘plays the drums’ with. Would he do that? I’ve always taught dd about the oven - she’s not to go near it or touch it. Now she’s 2 I sit her on a high chair like a bar stool and she helps me ‘cut’ things like mushrooms - she uses toddler cutlery and she feels like she’s helping and it keeps her occupied. I know it’s difficult because my dd at 2 is still very attached to me but I know it won’t be forever. I do always give her cuddles when she wants them because one day she won’t want them at all.

Sympathy as this is an awful age. Separation anxiety is at its peak 9-12m.
My DD was awful at napping too. I just used to drive around and she would nod off then I could park up and read a book/pass out
Can you make a sort of assault course in the living room or pad things out with cushions?
I often sat my DD in the kitchen sink with bubbles and she would play in it for ages
High chair playing with food etc
There’s nothing wrong with wanting space and if there’s a hobby you could do say on a Saturday morning or something it could be something to look forward to?

I wouldn’t expect an 11 month old to be in a different room from me...?
I don’t know anyone who has a gate on their kitchen.
Just don’t let him near the oven when it’s on... he’s 11 months. Of course he won’t want to be shut away from you

Agree with PP that your job during the day when you're home alone with him is entertaining him, feeding etc not the chores. Just whilst he's going through this needy stage.

What hours does DH work? How much does he do around the house?
Other than basic health and safety, and meals leave it til DH is home then split it. He gets the baby and you tidy up or vice versa but I'm guessing you need a break from the Koala. Who does bed routine? The other ones leans up from tea and puts away the last toys.

Make sure you get some you time too, so a few hours in a weekend whilat DH has baby or after work on ADAYDH can pick him up.

Sounds like it's partly separation anxiety and partly temperament. You prob need to gradually work towards some emotional space.

My dd was like this with me. I couldn't get anything done at all. The more I tried to separate the more she was like Velcro. She was never the kind of baby you could plonk on a playmat to entertain herself. Always very active, wanting stimulation and company. My DH seemed to manage her much better - he could prattle on to her while he was cooking etc and she would sit in her high chair waving a rattle for him and laughing. Me on the other hand she would be desperate to be picked up.

Going to nursery definitely helped in the long run. If it's any consolation she's now a v secure secondary aged child, still likes lots of physical contact, hugs etc. And we are pretty close.

Re naps this was DS so I'd time leaving the house for when I wanted him to nap, then go for a coffee, sit in the Park etc whilst he slept then do something fun and try and time coming back with his second nap

You are allowed more than one stairgate :) We have one on the kitchen.

It sounds like a tough time. I would say that it's not his behaviour which is affecting your MH though but his needs - which sound higher than most babies of his age. A high needs baby will drain your energy, you need support, including regular breaks.

Have a look at some high-needs baby support sources, off the top of my head:

www.amazon.co.uk/Fussy-Baby-Book-William-Sears/dp/0007332149/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.analyticalarmadillo.co.uk/2011/11/duracell-bunnyhigh-needsspirited-baby.html

hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-child/

A lot of high needs babies just seem to really hate being babies, and they improve when they get a bit of independence in moving and speech as toddlers, and then thrive once they are older. You can try baby signing to help him get more communication earlier.

Could you afford to put him in nursery one more day, or even just a half day, so that you get a day at home to recover/rest a bit/get things done?