That my mental health is affected by my 11 month old’s behaviour?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I have an 11 month old, he’s a lovely smiley little boy when we’re out at playgroups/his grandparents house etc. But at home he’s becoming a nightmare. Our living room is attached to the kitchen, so we’ve put a gate on the doorway in between the two. Also, our kitchen leads upstairs, as we don’t have a hallway (Victorian Mill Worker’s cottage on the West Yorkshire/Lancashire border).
He’s now walking independently and very well, he can also climb the stairs efficiently.

He constantly cries each time the gate is opened or shut and he’s on the other side, he wants to be in the kitchen or going upstairs constantly. I can’t get anything done as he wants to be with me all the time. I know this is fairly normal behaviour for a baby, but I am drowning in mess and I’m so tired.
I’m also working 3 days a week, he’s in nursery two days and with his grandparents one day. Apparently he’s got a similar relationship with his key worker, each time she leaves the room or shuts the gate and he’s on the other side, he cries. So she said on her lunch break she takes a quick bite of her sandwich and pops back in for a cuddle and repeat. This is my life all the time. He’s the same with his dad. He sobs uncontrollably when my DP leaves the house in the morning, despite me still being here!
He often cries on and off all day when he sees the gate is shut. We spend a lot of time outside the house as it’s so draining, as a consequence I’m so exhausted!
He cries and stamps his feet when I don’t give him what he wants or when I’m not giving him attention. He climbs onto everything all the time too. I caught him trying to climb onto the windowsill the other day.
He’s still in our bedroom in his cot at night and still won’t nap unless he’s in a moving pushchair or car seat...he’ll occasionally go down on the bed, but we have to lay next to him and then can’t transfer him to his cot or else he wakes up.
He does sleep well at night generally, but wakes for his dummy quite a few times. He stopped breastfeeding by himself two months ago. Just stopped wanting the breast.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

I've never known anybody who had a gate on the kitchen. Mine were taken from room to room with me. The seven year old (who has special needs) has only just stopped coming with me to the loo.

Children need constant access to their caregiver for emotional regulation. When you're inaccessible (behind the gate), he's exhibiting attachment behaviours (crying/fussing/stamping) to regain closeness and assure himself of your accessibility/his safety. All totally normal.

Typically, children stop doing this after a couple of years: either because they're securely attached and have developed sufficient insight and patience, or because they're insecurely attached and have given up on their attachment figure as a source of appropriate emotional regulation. If you're looking for the former: remove the gate and happily take him from room to room with you. If you want the latter, crack on.

I used to have a cupboard with Tupperware in it and let my daughter “reorganise” it while I cooked. I used the two back burner of the job for safety and often got her to unload the washing machine.... probably counts as child labour but she loved it .

God you’re describing my Third dc. Older 2 were nothing like it so she was a shock to the system! No advice, just a hand hold

Most of my friends have a gate on their kitchen and my mum said she “never let us in the kitchen with her” so this is news to me! I just thought it was a safety thing. I think even the health visitor mentioned it.
I’ll try moving the gate and see if it makes a difference.

I didn’t actually have stairgates in either, as she catapulted herself over them so it was just safer to not bother. I disagree with the poster hinting that you’re not allowing your child to form an Attached bond to you. My LO was in a sling for the first year, used to sit on my lap as I used the toilet/bathed. We co Slept, breast fed. She was just extremely high needs, with reflux. I considered suicide because of the pnd that ensued!

@BertieBotts I’ve looked into the high needs thing before, I think it describes my DS to a T!
Hopefully as you say, he’ll thrive once he’s a bit older and more independent.

We can’t afford another day or half day in nursery unfortunately
I do get a break at playgroups as he will happily go off and play away from me while I have a hot drink and also at his grandparents he is happy enough. It’s just when we’re at home!

I have 4 and have never used stair gates, no accidents happened as I just supervised. I don’t know anyone with a stair gate on the kitchen.

There's nothing 'high needs' about the behaviour the op has described, it's all typical. I'd recommend the op look at Mary Ainsworth's 'Strange Situation' procedure vids on youtube for a feel of what's normal for small children in respect of seperation.

Just trying to recall what helped if i eg wanted to cook

Snacking on fruit eg pears whilst I cooked, musical toys eg stand up piano, things with annoying buttons and repetitive music, later on electronic babysitter (teletubbies on tv) but most definitely music - recorded nursery rhymes etc those stick on high chair toys/rattles

Never heard of anyone having a stairgate across the kitchen! Not saying it doesn’t happen but I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever been to a house with one...through 2 babies, tons of friends with babies and several nieces and nephews. Maybe it’s contributing to his separation anxiety? I always had my babies pretty much free range around the house, just watched them a lot.

@Pomegranateseeds I’ve never known anyone who hasn’t!
How weird.
I’ll try removing it and putting it on the stairs instead.

I think everyones mental health is affected by their kids! Different ages, different challenges.

Best thing I ever did was get mine attached to comforters and dummies asap. I used to stuff the cuski down my top to pick up my scent (they use them in NICU) and then give it to my youngest, and he slept all night from weeks old, I always tied the dummy to the comforter so he didn't lose it - something to suck and something to hug is what I imagined he'd need for comfort. He switched to a muslin when he was about 2 and still has it at 3 with a dummy tied to it - that way he's not clinging to me. If he hurts himself he has a cuddle, but then he'll lay and cuddle his muslin with the dummy. He had it when he woke up after surgery. Doesn't have it out at Nursery, but I put it in his bag just in case he has a particularly upsetting situation. It immediately always calms him down. He's never been whingy. Eldest is 7 and he still has his rainbow Toby Tiger blanket (though he wouldn't admit it to his friends) it's insane how soft that thing is!

They can keep their comforters as long as they want. Everyone needs comfort!

I've known loads of people to have a gate on the kitchen, I can't understand why it is so apparently controversial on mumsnet.

It's great because it means you can cook, load dishwasher etc without them climbing all over you but you can still see them, hear them, talk to them, hand them snacks etc - if you had to close the door often cooking noise obscures what the DC are doing which means you need another adult. And I only have one big and one small hob each at the front and back of my cooker so I quite often have to use the front ones.

I had a travel holiday one I used to use for DS1 on my kitchen 10 years ago as well, but the permanent one is better because it can be opened and closed. If I'm doing something like laundry or making a cup of tea he can freely come in and out, but if I'm loading the dishwasher, cooking something which requires concentration, in and out of the oven etc - it's closed and generally if it doesn't close right in front of him, he's perfectly fine with that. (I appreciate OP's DS isn't).

Honestly, I am a huge fan of attachment parenting but the notion that a gate through which they can see and interact with you, for a small proportion of the time (hardly the whole day, how long do you spend in the kitchen doing dangerous things?) is going to cause emotional dysregulation and a child to "give up" on their caregiver is one of the biggest piles of BS I have ever read on here.

That's all very lovely Bertie but the OP is finding it a problem right now.

OK, I hadn't seen that part of the post, sorry! I just meant there is no harm in having a gate on the kitchen AND the stairs, as OP said she wanted to keep him out at certain times.

Also was a bit bemused by everyone going on about how having a gate on the kitchen is really weird/never seen it/borderline terrible parenting

I have a gate on my kitchen initially put there because we’ve got 2 dogs but has come in handy since dd started crawling. Sometimes she comes in the kitchen with me but other times I leave her either in her playpen or behind the gate just for a few mins while I do something small like feed the dogs or throw some washing in 🤷🏼‍♀️ She is absolutely fine with this!
Maybe worth a try letting him in the kitchen with you, give him a big plastic spoon and a bowl and let him play the drums on them while you do your chores

I was the only one of my friends without a stair gate on the kitchen, it’s very common.

My two were both clingy. I did a combination of carrying them on my back ( rose and rebellion sling) and letting them bumble about with me. I let them help with laundry 😉 and had an accessible kitchen cupboard with pans, Tupperware and safe utensils for impromptu music sessions!

Ps they’re not clingy now 9 and 7

There's nothing 'high needs' about the behaviour the op has described, it's all typical.

What, so all the children in the nursery need the key worker to wolf down her sandwich and run back for a cuddle?
It’s high needs behaviour. I’m sorry but you won’t understand it until you’ve had a child like this. People they dismiss your valid stresses are half of the problem.

I don't think it's particularly unusual to have a gate in the kitchen. I don't think you're setting your child up for a lifetime of attachment issues.

I let my dcs have free roam except for the stairs on the ground floor. I baby proofed everything so I didn’t worry. It made life so so much easier!

I also had a cleaner 😂

I have a gate on the kitchen (and the stairs). Easier/safer for me not to have them roaming round the kitchen opening cupboards and eating cat food.

Sometimes, I have 3 little ones crying at the gate while I unload the dishwasher or make lunch but life has to go on. It does them no harm to see you but not touch you at that moment even if it isn't what they want.

Totally normal, it’s a clingy age but it won’t last forever. Honestly. I agree in moving the stair gate to the staircase. As long as you have locks on the cupboards and use back hobs etc it should be fine. I never had a gate on the kitchen or I’d have never been able to get the cooking done with a crying baby. Give him a couple of months and he will be through this clingy age

This made me think about attachment and secure base.

FWIW OP it's not your DC's fault, but I don't think it's unreasonable that you need a bit of a break for your own sake. Is dad on the scene?

This kid is 11 months old, show him a sand timer all you like but he'll look at you like "what the fuck are you talking about? I'm a baby."

It'll pass. Try not to stress.