That my mental health is affected by my 11 month old’s behaviour?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I have an 11 month old, he’s a lovely smiley little boy when we’re out at playgroups/his grandparents house etc. But at home he’s becoming a nightmare. Our living room is attached to the kitchen, so we’ve put a gate on the doorway in between the two. Also, our kitchen leads upstairs, as we don’t have a hallway (Victorian Mill Worker’s cottage on the West Yorkshire/Lancashire border).
He’s now walking independently and very well, he can also climb the stairs efficiently.

He constantly cries each time the gate is opened or shut and he’s on the other side, he wants to be in the kitchen or going upstairs constantly. I can’t get anything done as he wants to be with me all the time. I know this is fairly normal behaviour for a baby, but I am drowning in mess and I’m so tired.
I’m also working 3 days a week, he’s in nursery two days and with his grandparents one day. Apparently he’s got a similar relationship with his key worker, each time she leaves the room or shuts the gate and he’s on the other side, he cries. So she said on her lunch break she takes a quick bite of her sandwich and pops back in for a cuddle and repeat. This is my life all the time. He’s the same with his dad. He sobs uncontrollably when my DP leaves the house in the morning, despite me still being here!
He often cries on and off all day when he sees the gate is shut. We spend a lot of time outside the house as it’s so draining, as a consequence I’m so exhausted!
He cries and stamps his feet when I don’t give him what he wants or when I’m not giving him attention. He climbs onto everything all the time too. I caught him trying to climb onto the windowsill the other day.
He’s still in our bedroom in his cot at night and still won’t nap unless he’s in a moving pushchair or car seat...he’ll occasionally go down on the bed, but we have to lay next to him and then can’t transfer him to his cot or else he wakes up.
He does sleep well at night generally, but wakes for his dummy quite a few times. He stopped breastfeeding by himself two months ago. Just stopped wanting the breast.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

It's a tough time!

He actually sounds very like my DS who is still lively at almost 5.

He too was walking very young. He did suffer quite a lot from separation anxiety. He also was never good at sleeping so life was pretty tough.

It wasn't something I had experienced with my eldest.

With regards to nursery can I ask the age of the other children in the room?

My DS was also like that with a key worker. She could not leave the room.
At the time he was in the baby section of a room for age 0 - 2. There was a small wooden partition.
The day they moved him to the bigger side was the day the separation anxiety stopped. Possibly he wasn't being stimulated enough on the baby side - I don't know.

It does get better, but I do understand where you are coming from.

In the house, we couldn't have had a stair gate on then kitchen door even though we did with my eldest. He was so different.

In the end we had to get locks for all the cupboards which is something we hadn't done 1st time round. But he couldn't be left.

Make sure you get some time for yourself.

I have a gate on the kitchen for when I'm not in there because DD likes to go in and empty the dishwasher and also turn the oven on. If I am in there I let DD play with the plastic and certain items or I give her a snack or a job to "help" with. She will potter in and out. I use the back hobs and am always aware of where she is. I don't cook at lunch apart from possibly something very simple like pasta that requires one pan. I mainly just warm things up or have a cold lunch. For our evening meal DH is there so that helps but may not be the case for you.

Will he nap for long periods in his pram? At this age I wouldn't have expected to get jobs done really( apart from the simplest of tasks) whilee she was awake. I would clean when she was sleeping or when DH is around to supervise. This eases as they get older but this is a tricky age. By 18 months no doubt he will be far more independent. I know people whose children always nap in the pram only. I suppose to get him out of the habit you would have to do some kind of sleep training methods with him. That doesn't mean leaving him to cry there are other ways like gradual retreat. It will take a while and you would have to persevere.

I had a stairgate across the kitchen - no toddlers near hot pans, thank you. I'm from Lancashire, not far from the border with West Yorks.

But... I came here to say, at eleven months, he doesn't have 'behaviour'. Nothing he does is the result of rational thought. He's still acting on instinct and separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of realising that these people you depend on and really want to have around could actually escape you at any time. They might leave you behind, and how would you survive? Try seeing it from his point of view.

My dd was/is like this. She’s getting on for 4 now and just loves being with us. It’s bizarre to hear her verbalising what her complaints obviously were when she was a baby (a bloody blessing not to have that crying anymore!). That’s all the whinging is really, his preference is to be with the people he instinctively relies on and he doesn’t have many ways to effectively communicate that.

It’s really, really hard going when you have to live it and honestly the best way I found to live with it is to accept this is how it’s going to be for a while and how to work with it instead of against it.

We had a gate on the kitchen and the cupboards were safe for her to rifle through but it was closed when dd really wasn’t safe to be in there but the rest of the time was free reign. To escape her grasp (I would resort to things other parents probably wouldn’t be so free and easy with - tv is your friend if you can find something that mesmerises them (minions worked for us!) along with the reassurances and lots of the contact they clearly crave.

It won’t be forever you just need to find your way through this stage in the least painful way possible. If your ds is anything like my dd the payoff is a wonderfully loving, cuddly child.

Put a gate on the stairs and let him in the kitchen and make a drawer full of stuff he can play with. Pans and wooden spoons usually go down well. That way he can sit and play whilst you cook. You can get films to go on the oven door so they don’t get hot, cupboard locks on your chemicals and knives/anything dangerous way out of reach

I have a gate on my kitchen, but I let him in now I'm on pins when cooking but he is exactly the same screams and cry's rags the gate trying to get through if I don't. He just empties some of the cupboards now and wanders round banging saucepans and plastic bottles together.

Nothing he does is the result of rational thought. He's still acting on instinct and separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of realising that these people you depend on and really want to have around could actually escape you at any time. They might leave you behind, and how would you survive? Try seeing it from his point of view.

This 100%

I had this with my twins and it still happens on occasion - I have a gate on the kitchen and the bottom of the stairs but our rooms are separate with a hallway. I keep them out of the kitchen because even if I toddler proof the whole room I can’t keep both out of trouble for long! They come to the gate and cry sometimes or stamp feet, usually DS starts it off and DD comes to join him in case he gets something and she doesn’t (he never does but I’m sure that’s her motivation haha) I was terrified of them becoming “detached” from me as their source of comfort as a PP has already mentioned.

Thing is, I had to carry on otherwise we’d never have clean clothes, meals on time, plates and dishes etc to eat from them... so I had to continue on as normal. I speak with them as I do what I’m doing (like your DS mine now hate being confined to their high chairs/play pen for too long!) if they start crying I assess whether it’s need crying or attention crying, my trick now is to have some healthy snacks on hand and time my housework for their snack time, rather than giving all of their snacks in one go at their high chairs I’ll have them nearby and when they come to the gate I give them a bit of a snack, usually they’re happy with this arrangement and tears don’t happen so much.

Sometimes it’s full on meltdown no matter what I try so I continue speaking to them, when I can be heard, explaining that Mummy is busy doing X and reassure them. If I’m cooking I’ll use time between prepping and cooking to have a quick cuddle over the gate.

If all else fails I put some CBeebies or Hey Duggee on for them and get on with what needs to be done.

I notice you’ve said you recently stopped breastfeeding and have mentioned he won’t sleep in his own room. Did he used to feed to sleep? If so maybe a bottle in his room before bedtime? Low lights, maybe some gentle music or white noise, a comfy place for you to sit long enough to finish the bottle and then a song/story then bedtime.

A routine that gets him familiar with his room being the room to sleep in and it might take a while (look for tips on sleep training if you haven’t already of course) but you will get him through this stage. Good luck OP

I’d let him in the kitchen. Put a lock on any dangerous low cupboards and let him enjoy the pots & pans. Bring the high chair in so they can see what’s going on at time’s and then let them play on the floor.

I don't think I had any time alone from DS1 at that age when he was awake. I would get chores done when he napped or after bedtime. He would play in the kitchen when I cooked, or watch a bit of TV. He needed constant attention.

DS2 could be left alone in a room, but DS1 couldn't.

Both are in secondary school now and very well adjusted :)

I thought it was quite well known that 10 months onward is separation anxiety time. Mine both went through it til they were about 3!!! I also think he has a lot of different caregivers so that may also ramp it up a bit. It is normal though as far as I am concerned.

Another poster who has never seen stair gates used to keep a toddler out of a kitchen. I think your mental health is being affected by your expectations of how your baby should behave, rather than the way he actually does behave. He sounds perfectly normal so please don't let it get you down!

Really surprised by all the comments about the stair gate for the kitchen door - I had one and so did most people I know. Our kitchen is next to the living room, so DD could play with her toys while I was cooking lunch, doing laundry, etc, or come and watch me and I’d chat or sing to her. Much easier than baby-proofing the whole kitchen!

Can you get a sling and carry him on your back or similar so gets that closeness he craves and might even sleep ?

Did i just blink or did an earlier poster seriously suggest giving an 11 month old toddler a kitchen knife to occupy himself...... ffs?!!!! No! Please do NOT do that OP!
My view is this. Firstly his behaviour is not remotely personal to you ...so you must not take it personally and allow it to dent your spirit. It's a phase and please have faith that it will indeed pass in a blink. He's doing it to everyone, not just you. He's developing at a rapid pace, soon it will be something else. Enjoy your days off, relish the mental space and variation the time you are lucky to have. This won't last forever.

I'm equally surprised that anyone would even contemplate a stairgate across the kitchen door having never once seen it in all my 55 years. We all move in different circles, I guess.

i don't know why you're getting so much angst for keeping a young baby out of a place where you're cooking, using a hot oven etc, let alone the suggestion to give a less than 1 yo a knife and a carrot to keep him entertained.

OP how much time do you get to yourself that isn't work?

Really surprised about the stair gates on kitchen door comments. I had one so they could see me but not get hurt. They were allowed in the kitchen sometimes. They enjoyed emptying a dishwasher or washing machine and investigating the low down cupboards with pans, tins etc. If they aren't babies who tolerate being in a high chair for longer than 5 minutes it takes to eat a meal then a stair gate is a must imo.

They often sat in the high chair and had a snack while I cooked. For example - pepper, carrot, chopped up fruit etc When older they'd sit at the table and play while I cooked.

Nothing wrong with it but I've never seen it heard of a gated kitchen ! It seems natural to me that a baby (not even a yr old) wants to be held or near their carers constantly.

It's exhausting but it passes

MrsMunchetty, stop being deliberately thick. There are varying degrees of 'knife'. Toddler knife being one of them. 🙄

i don't know why you're getting so much angst for keeping a young baby out of a place where you're cooking, using a hot oven etc, let alone the suggestion to give a less than 1 yo a knife and a carrot to keep him entertained

My ds and dd were allowed in the kitchen and I adjusted accordingly. When the oven was on, I was on alert and would move them out of the way or out in a high chair but they soon learned it was hot and to be careful. I would never open the door though with them on the roam.

Sharp knives are not an issue as they couldn’t reach the worktop??

Honestly, this baby just sounds a tired grizzly thing and needs a bit more of his parents attention. If you give them attention and actually adapt for the fact that you have a toddler, it’s easier in the long run.

I literally said now she’s 2 I let my dd get involved with ‘chopping’ things which is essentially playing with them and squashing them with an extremely blunt toddler knife. I wasn’t for one second saying give an under 1 a knife, just how things can progress quickly in a year and how they could get involved with you and ‘helping’. Calm down you lot.

Put the time in now to make your baby secure, what he learns now will stay in his subconscious for the rest of his life. He wants to be held, so do it if you can. Better to put the work in now than him having attachment issues when he's older.

Babies don't understand reasoning, they think everything is about them. You don't hold them, you don't respond to their needs, they internalize rejection. I'm not the perfect mum but knowing this means I consider things a bit deeper everytime my little one gets a bit clingy.

There is a good kiddie knife set by Kuhn Rikon that I got for my daughter around 2.5 but I would’ve got it earlier if I’d known about it

@Iggly Just wanted to say that apart from the kitchen gate scenario , when I sing or talk to him over the gate anyway, he gets our undivided attention, including not even being apart from us at night because he’s in our bedroom.
We read stories to him, play with him, sing to him, take him to different places including national trust properties , soft play, parks and playgroups. I can’t see how we could give him MORE attention really.