To not want to see partners son ever again

[IJustLovePirates]

Hello. I’m a long time lurker and have never had kids of my own, so feel a bit guilty for being here as not actually a parent. Had a “non=viable”;pregnancy once. My partner has three adult children. I get on well with two of them. The third, an adult son, has caused us various problems over the years with his alcoholism and drug abuse.
My partner and his ex wife have done a lot of enabling over the years, in giving him money when he’d just spent his dole money on beer and marijuana. He has come to stay with us occasionally when he’s been homeless, tho in some cases the homelessness has been voluntary. He has had drunken psychotic episodes, shouting and screaming

Fast forward several years of this, about five years ago son was having a spectacularly bad ‘episode’ He sent abusive text messages basically calling me a slut, and sending veiled death threats.

Now, five years later, he has sent partner a letter which in some way shows some insight into his bi polar disorder. So partner is saying that maybe son could come and visit?

It was hell when he was here. From what my partner has said I think he’s an ‘Incel’ = one of these angry young men who thin that they should have sex on demand. The way he looks at me makes my flight esh crawl and I’m in my 50s.
When there is a rape or sexual assault in hi city, I always read the description. He has physically assaulted both of his sisters, and his birth mother, and sent previous step mom a death threat,

So my AIBU is can i just say “No. I do not want this sociopath to visit. He’s called me a slut and threatened to kill me and has a history of violence against women”

Which is what I’ve basically said to OH, But OH is saying that maybe he’s changed.

It was calling the benefits ‘dole’ that sounded judgmental...But that word is very jarring and really should have no place in common usage nowadays

Well, if you say so. But someone needs to convey this edict to people in my neck of the woods, where it's commonly referred to as the "dole" rather than "benefits", and certainly not in a pejorative fashion.

Hi OP,
Does he actually have a diagnosis of bipolar affective disorder or a psychotic illness?

Your oh has to go and meet his son to make sure he’s safe! Under no circumstances should he set foot in your home until he’s sure.

And how would he even know, just by talking to him?

YANBU you have every right to stay safe and to want to protect yourself. Looking at it from a different angle it would be difficult for any parent to see their DC struggle through life and I imagine you would want to give them chance after chance to prove they have changed. I personally believe you never change, you will always have those tendencies but your DP will want to keep trying. No real answer to this - I think DP should see him separately and you should stay well away. You cannot expect DP to cut all ties with his DC. But for the record I am with you, and I would be saying exactly what you are saying

Absolutely don’t have him anywhere near you. It’s not a safe situation. However, don’t discourage your DP from meeting up with him. His shit-poor parenting has probably contributed towards some of the MH issues his son has, so he needs to try and help his sons recovery.

With regards to your partner's son, I agree with everyone else, as summed up so well by LolaSmiles early in the thread. He makes your skin crawl - listen to your instincts!

But your partner's attitude concerns me.

"... my partner tells me that because I’m not a parent that I “don’t know what it’s like” and he thinks I should give his son another chance."

Honestly? Fuck. That. Shit. That's a cheap shot, and to be treated with the contempt it deserves. I'd be shooting back that your partner is "not a woman" and therefore cannot know what it is like to feel threatened by the presence of a man like his son.

Your partner can have a relationship with his son without involving you, your home, or your finances. He absolutely CANNOT insist that you have anything to do with a man who makes you fearful and has a history of attacking women.

YADNBU
"Maybe" he's changed. Maybe??? Maybe he hasn't!!! Your OH can meet his son in a restaurant or something, if he wants to see him - you stay safe and stay far, far away.

...and exactly what @WhereYouLeftIt said

And PS - of course you are welcome here!!x

Tell your spineless enabling OH that because he’s not a woman he doesn’t understand what it’s like to be threatened by a man.

Enabling his son is his prerogative but it isn’t going to at your expense. Him respecting your boundary on this matter, isn't an option.

Be very clear and if he tries to manipulate you, make it clear that him trying to force contact is a deal breaker.

Good grief.

I have three sons and one of them I deliberately rarely see because he brings me down so much. And he's not violent or abusive. And I am a parent!

Not being a parent is irrelevant. You know people and you are one. Your partner should be more supportive.

Also if there's one place in the world you should be able to count on your safety, it's your home. This abusive man should not be anywhere near it let alone in it. Tell your partner this. Stand your ground. You deserve respect.

It's a no from me, he sounds really troubled and I wouldn't be taking my chances with him. Your OH can go and build bridges with him elsewhere!

As for the poster who whined about use of the word dole...if people who draw benefits still refer to it as dole then I'll bloody well continue to do so too!

YANBU and your OH should have your back instead of making excuses for his violent son who has a history of assault on his female family members.

I'm not a parent, either, OP. And I'm (very) low contact with my DB, who is bipolar, I've worked for many years with clients with MH issues, including many with bipolar disorder and have 2 close friends who are bipolar.

Please don't let yourself get pressurised into havig this very unwell man in your home. It's got nothing to do with not being a parent. My own parents had to stop my brother visiting because he was aggressive and they were getting old and frail.

Your DP can see him as much as he likes, just not in your home.

Well he’s not going to understand your fear because he’s not a woman...

His son might be on effective meds, and might have changed, but your partner needs to rebuild a relationship with him outside the home on neutral territory.

I do get how parental guilt can blind one, but I’m a mother and I completely understand your need to be safe in your home.

My friend has diagnosed bipolar disease, is on treatment and sober.

What you tell about your partner's son sounds a lot like the stories he told me about himself before his diagnosis. Erratic behavior, violence, death threats, suicide attempts, drugs, problems with the police... His own mom refused to see him for a while. This is nothing like the person he is now.

He's completely sober since a few years, sees his therapist and takes his meds regularly, has a good job... His mental health isn't always great (anxiety, indecisiveness..) but he's one of the gentlest and kindest persons I've met.

If your partner's son is now sober and on meds, I'd say meet him but don't accept that he comes to your house until you're sure he has really changed.

Yanbu but I do think you should encourage your DH to have a relationship with him away from your home.
If he has had ongoing mental health issues then yes, there’s a possibility they have been resolved with the right meds

YANBU

Your DP is welcome to foster a relationship with his adult son away from your shared home. You are entitled to feel safe in your own home.

Having bipolar isn't carte blanche to be a cunt.

I wouldn't have him around me either.

From someone who is a mum and a stepmum.

But OH is saying that maybe he’s changed. And he’s willing to risk your safety on that, is he? Nobody in their right mind would welcome this man into their home and he shouldn’t be expecting you to do so.

Lots of people on here aren’t parents. You post as much as you want to 💐

Not a parent, been here a while and haven't caught fire. I come for the alternative opinions and ideas that I don't get from my usual social circle (all pretty much dog professionals or artists).

You are not remotely unreasonable to not want this man in your home or to meet him at this point.

So DH can go meet him elsewhere, conduct their relationship elsewhere for now.

IF at some point down the line, in the future, it looks like this man HAS changed and IS sorry about his behaviour and actions in the past...

Then at THAT point you might consider meeting him, with your DH, somewhere safe.

But thats a long way into the future and I really don't think that if you NEVER want to meet him, that that would be unreasonable given his past actions. You don't owe this man forgiveness.

The "you don't know what it's like" stuff is obnoxious (and makes your partner sound like a callous jerk, to tell the truth). No-one knows exactly what it's like to be anyone else, parent or no-- but shockingly enough, many people have these things called "empathy" and "an imagination", and we can put ourselves in someone else's position and generally come up with a darn good idea of how that person might feel.

I agree with previous posters who pointed out that, as a man, HE doesn't know what it's like to have to worry about your physical well-being in the same way that you, a woman, do.

He's being unreasonable and asking far too much of you. You're not stopping him from seeing his son, because it doesn't have to happen in your home, where you deserve to feel safe. Definitely don't give in to that request!

Agree with PPs...
No effing way!
And one other thing to keep in mind for a firm NO, is if you were to allow him to visit, then - once he sets foot inside your home - this, or any subsequent "visit" may be fanagled into an extended or indefinite stay.
So just simply, NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!

Another one agreeing with LolaSmiles.

"The reason I thought I’d ask on here is that my partner tells me that because I’m not a parent that I “don’t know what it’s like” and he thinks I should give his son another chance." The fact you are not a parent is not relevant as to whether you want to feel safe in your own home.

Your dh can see his son elsewhere. Do not allow your dh to talk you round.

Agree with SchadenfreudePersonified "He's an independent adult - he doesn't need to "live with his father"."

Please op address with your dp the issue that his son may think it is because of you that he cannot live with is dad or cannot visit etc. This could be very dangerous for you.

Please do not suggest to your dp that your feelings may change etc, because they may not change and your dp's son may not have changed and you do not want the pressure for your dp of questions like 'when can his son come to the house or when do you want to meet up with son etc.' Your dp does not seem to respect your safety at all.

And his comment about you not being a parent so not understanding was vile.