To not want to see partners son ever again

[IJustLovePirates]

Hello. I’m a long time lurker and have never had kids of my own, so feel a bit guilty for being here as not actually a parent. Had a “non=viable”;pregnancy once. My partner has three adult children. I get on well with two of them. The third, an adult son, has caused us various problems over the years with his alcoholism and drug abuse.
My partner and his ex wife have done a lot of enabling over the years, in giving him money when he’d just spent his dole money on beer and marijuana. He has come to stay with us occasionally when he’s been homeless, tho in some cases the homelessness has been voluntary. He has had drunken psychotic episodes, shouting and screaming

Fast forward several years of this, about five years ago son was having a spectacularly bad ‘episode’ He sent abusive text messages basically calling me a slut, and sending veiled death threats.

Now, five years later, he has sent partner a letter which in some way shows some insight into his bi polar disorder. So partner is saying that maybe son could come and visit?

It was hell when he was here. From what my partner has said I think he’s an ‘Incel’ = one of these angry young men who thin that they should have sex on demand. The way he looks at me makes my flight esh crawl and I’m in my 50s.
When there is a rape or sexual assault in hi city, I always read the description. He has physically assaulted both of his sisters, and his birth mother, and sent previous step mom a death threat,

So my AIBU is can i just say “No. I do not want this sociopath to visit. He’s called me a slut and threatened to kill me and has a history of violence against women”

Which is what I’ve basically said to OH, But OH is saying that maybe he’s changed.

YANBU. As so many others have said, you are right not to want him in your home. If he has changed, then your OH can judge that when he meets him, but he needs to meet him away from your house and not involve you. He is perfectly entitled to a relationship with his son.

His son, as an adult, is not entitled to live with you. YANBU to want to protect yourself and your house if he has a violent history.

I would quote some of the replies on here to your OH if he suggests YABU.

Hi OP

Imnot a parent either youre quite welcome here

Bipolar doesnt make you a misogynist twat though whther or not hes on medicaiton hes has serious prblems with women-you have every right to say no to haveing in your home

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I wonder where he learned his misogyny? It's usually from the male parent or other older male family members.

I wonder when his parents split up, if he blames his mother for taking his father away/treating his father unfairly (however unjustified), and then puts his father in a pedestal, it can start there. With access to online incel communities his skewed values and beliefs are reinforced, he'll then perceive future events through that lens eg it's OPs fault (a woman) that he can't live with his father, because his father would never treat him that way and so the belief that women are the common negative factor, are further validated. It's a vicious cycle.

What lola said on page 1. I’m sorry you’ve been through this OP

I was a step parent before I was a parent and I’m horrified by the dismissive tone your partner is taking about this. Really disgusting to be honest. My husband has always treated me with respect and consideration as the other adult in our home and a parental figure in his children’s lives. That’s what you should be expecting and I’d take great issue with him trying to minimise his son’s shocking behaviour and your completely normal reaction to having him back in your lives.

Take heart in these replies and hold firm.

Oh that's horrible saying that you don't understand because you're not a parent.

As a pp has but, he doesn't understand because he's not on the receiving end of the threats.

Why does he think that you should have someone who has insulted & threatened you in your home?

Maybe a parent makes more allowances, but they can't impose those on someone else imo, be that their partner or the other parent iyswim.

What the fuck does Incel mean ? Is it another word like woke where it has been used with a different definition, though incel doesn't even sound like a word.

Listen to your gut feeling and for me this would be a deal breaker.

OP I have had a similar issue with my brother, I think I know what you mean by 'creepier and sleezier' regardless, in this situation my mum (and therefore his mother) and I are estranged from him. It was incredibly hard for my mum. Parents and non parents can make these decisions. When a situation is wrong, it's wrong.

incel = involuntarily celibate. In other words a bloke who can't get laid and then develops a hatred for all women because they won't have sex with him like he thinks he deserves.
Often this attitude is exactly WHY women won't have sex with them, so it's a vicious circle.

SunshineCake
Incel is an involuntary celibate.
They are typically online communities where men who can't get women go and bitch and vent about how unfair the universe is, but they are hives of misogyny. So for example, it couldn't be that they're misogynistic entitled pricks that prevents women finding them attractive, it just be that women are faulty for not recognising how great these guys are.
Some circles of incels actually hero worship a young man who murdered several women because someone didn't want to sleep with him, they decided the women must be sluts.
Some of them are lonely and misunderstood, but as with any extreme group, spend enough time talking to toxic people and you start to fall into that way of thinking.

I only heard of it earlier this year but it's quite a scary ideology that some men genuinely believe.

Let him give his son a second chance, you don't need to.
Just tell him you prefer to be separate from this second chance, and it needs to be away from your home, where you need to feel safe.

Thank you for explaining Thumb and Lola.

There is an element to being a parent which means one puts up with so much more than anyone else would in respect of a person. So you would be wrong to stop your partner from re-building his relationship with his son (and I acknowledge you have not said you want to do that). It is true that if he has bi-polar disorder then regular meds may help. If your partner wants to help his son then he should not be dissuaded from doing so.

But you are absolutely entitled to feel and be safe in your own home and you are not obliged to mix with a person who has threatened you or made you feel uneasy.

So I would not put any obstacles in the way of your partner seeing his son/supporting him away from the house. But you are entitled to be firm about not seeing him yourself.

Something of an aside - but it did jar a bit - when you referred to him spending his ‘dole’. That does sound very judgmental about the fact that he is on benefits. It is right to eschew someone who is a sexual predator and/or violent. But try to judge him on that, rather than his status as a benefit claimant.

He sounds awful. I don’t have children, and I would actually use it to back up my reasoning. I’d say, “no I’m not a parent, he’s not my son, so I don’t have to put up with it.” If your DH wants to meet up with him that’s fine, but leave you and your home out of it.

You’re more than welcome here, losds of posters aren’t parents, or even partners of people with children.

Your Dp is wrong - you’re an adult you’re quite able to understand a father wanting to give their child a second chance, what you shouldn’t have to ‘understand’ (parent or not) is doing that at your expense!

He is the one that ‘doesn’t understand’ because he’s not a woman and he’s not the one who was targeted!

He’s wrong AND it was a horrible, controlling thing to say to you.

There’s been a lot of good advice about what to say to your DP.

I’m disgusted that he even suggested it. The sensible thing to do would have been to say ‘I’m going to see DS. He appears to have changed & I want to see what he has to say for himself. I hope you’re ok with that, because I know how scary he was and I don’t want you to be worried - he won’t be coming anywhere near you until I’ve seen that he’s changed and until you’re ready to consider it, but he’s my son and I want to give him another chance’

This is NOT you, it’s him.

So my AIBU is can i just say “No. I do not want this sociopath to visit. He’s called me a slut and threatened to kill me and has a history of violence against women”

Which is what I’ve basically said to OH, But OH is saying that maybe he’s changed.

No, he hasn’t changed.

If he wants to see his psycho son he can do it - just not in your home.

But try to judge him on that, rather than his status as a benefit claimant

That chip on your shoulder is huge.

She wasn’t judging him for being on benefits, she was commenting on how enabling both his parents have been.

You're not at all unreasonable. The chap sounds quite scary. In your position I wouldn't want him staying under my roof.

No reason why your husband, can't meet him somewhere for an evening out or visit him at his home.

The reason I thought I’d ask on here is that my partner tells me that because I’m not a parent that I “don’t know what it’s like”

He's absolutely right. You don't know what it's like. And thank fuck for that, given the number of people who've ended up dead in their beds because they couldn't see what was staring them in the face about their precious wee son (usually son) or daughter.

I wouldn't have him in the house. But I'd also be concerned that your partner will tell him, or he will form the view himself, that the reason he isn't being allowed in the house is because of you.

Are you otherwise happy in this relationship?

Something of an aside - but it did jar a bit - when you referred to him spending his ‘dole’. That does sound very judgmental about the fact that he is on benefits.

The part about him spending his benefits on beer and marijuana - that part??

YANBU. You have a right to feel/be safe.

OP I'd be as worried by the FB posts you quote your stepson making which refer to you being the person stopping him living with his father. If this is his aim, it would worry me. I would sit down calmly with your DP and say what PPs have said

• you totally understand your DPs desire to get back with his son and help sort him out - you don't have to be a mother to understand it.
• however the son's been physically violent and verbally abusive to you and women in his family so you don't want DP's outreach to involve you or your home
• in the long term you do not want his son in your home but might eventually be happy for him to visit providing DP were there at all times.

You have more than enough reason to never allow him in your home again. Your DH is either in denial or minimising.

It was calling the benefits ‘dole’ that sounded judgmental. Nothing else about what the OP said was unreasonable. But that word is very jarring and really should have no place in common usage nowadays.

He hates women. Don't let him in your house. Your partner can find out whether he "may have" changed, at any number of locations, and over time. He does not get to risk your wellbeing, and your sense of safety in your home, because maybe it will be fine.

Yeah, like maybe you'll be fine... and maybe you'll be dead, or severely discomfited, or perved over or whatever. So, maybe not.