To not want to see partners son ever again

[IJustLovePirates]

Hello. I’m a long time lurker and have never had kids of my own, so feel a bit guilty for being here as not actually a parent. Had a “non=viable”;pregnancy once. My partner has three adult children. I get on well with two of them. The third, an adult son, has caused us various problems over the years with his alcoholism and drug abuse.
My partner and his ex wife have done a lot of enabling over the years, in giving him money when he’d just spent his dole money on beer and marijuana. He has come to stay with us occasionally when he’s been homeless, tho in some cases the homelessness has been voluntary. He has had drunken psychotic episodes, shouting and screaming

Fast forward several years of this, about five years ago son was having a spectacularly bad ‘episode’ He sent abusive text messages basically calling me a slut, and sending veiled death threats.

Now, five years later, he has sent partner a letter which in some way shows some insight into his bi polar disorder. So partner is saying that maybe son could come and visit?

It was hell when he was here. From what my partner has said I think he’s an ‘Incel’ = one of these angry young men who thin that they should have sex on demand. The way he looks at me makes my flight esh crawl and I’m in my 50s.
When there is a rape or sexual assault in hi city, I always read the description. He has physically assaulted both of his sisters, and his birth mother, and sent previous step mom a death threat,

So my AIBU is can i just say “No. I do not want this sociopath to visit. He’s called me a slut and threatened to kill me and has a history of violence against women”

Which is what I’ve basically said to OH, But OH is saying that maybe he’s changed.

Agree with others. He has a right to see him. You have a right to feel safe in your home and a right NOT to see him.

And yes that's a low blow. I would be replying

'DH, I'm disgusted that you would stoop to suggesting that I don't understand your son because I'm not a parent. A cheap shot. You'd do well to remember that never in all the history of your son's abuse of us and the rest of his family have I suggested he MIGHT have been influenced by the parenting her received - before you start pontificating about what a parent understands, be careful you're not making yourself look a fool, thanks. Secondly, I don't need to be a parent to understand what a threat of violence feels like or sounds like and I have every right not to put myself at risk. I can only imagine if I were your son's parent, I'd feel only more horrified at his threats - as I imagine his mother and sisters already have been, because guess what?! - the parent/child relationship doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference to him. I want nothing to do with this person and that has nothing to do with my relationship to him, and everything to do with his treatment of me.'

Thank you everyone for your overwhelmingly positive responses. Partner has been suggesting that because I’m “not a parent” that I just “don’t understand what it’s like”

That’s why I thought I could ask some real parents 😀

Personally. I think son has a very real nasty antiFemale streak to him.

I really don’t want to see him again , ever.

I wonder where he learned his misogyny?

It's usually from the male parent or other older male family members.

my partner tells me that because I’m not a parent that I “don’t know what it’s like” and he thinks I should give his son another chance.
That's not a very nice thing for your partner to say to you, considering your history.
Maybe because your partner is not a woman, he "doesn't know what it's like" feeling at risk of attack from a man?
Though as a human, you'd think he'd understand being scared of death threats?

He can meet up with his son anywhere he likes, but he can't pressure you into doing it. Is he always so inconsiderate?

schadenfreudePersonified
If he is an incel type then I'd be guessing online where grumbling pathetic men who aren't getting any start bitching about women and convincing each other that they're amazing and women are wrong for not wanting to sleep with them.

I can imagine if you're having no luck with women, you look online and find other men who are like you but more vocal and they give you a focus for your situation and someone else to blame then it becomes a toxic and appealing mix of God complex and bitter hatred.

You are not stopping your DP from having a relationship with his son. You are just stopping it from being in your company or your home. In no way are you being unreasonable. If your DP can't see that then you may have bigger problems. Stand by your decision. 💐

Yanbu

Absolutely not BU! Your DP can choose to have a relationship with him if he wants but that most definitely does not mean you have to and by saying you don't understand because you're not a parent is a low blow by your partner. As his Dad, of course he may feel more obliged to give him another chance but why do you have to entertain being involved with someone who has threatened you and publicly slatted you on FB? Also why is your partner not being more understanding to you and his DD who has been physically attacked by this man?

If anyone else had sent you death threats, you'd have gone to the police. You didn't, because it was your partner's son. That's more than enough slack to have cut him. You deserve not to be terrified in your own home. He can meet him outside the home.

Your partner needs to conduct his relationship with his son away from your shared home.

This. My dhs son in a child abuser. I have nothing to with him and he is not welcome in our home. My dh can see him if he wishes, I don't interfere with any relationship they want to have, but not with me around and not in our home.

If he is an incel type then I'd be guessing online where grumbling pathetic men who aren't getting any start bitching about women and convincing each other that they're amazing and women are wrong for not wanting to sleep with them

Thank you Lola

I'd wondered what "incel type" meant - I should have asked

Yes - I can see how resentful, inadequate, arrogant losers would go online to have their spiteful, bitter prejudices confirmed.

If only all of those women who turned them down knew what they were missing! A life of miserable drudgery and abuse

you can understand him.talk to him and tell him you can try and understand this tie that all parents have with their children no matter what.
but that doesnt negate how you feel and how safe you need to feel in your home and life.
he has scared you and you cant have that.
so id tell hmi he is going to want to give his biy a chance then you will support him the best you can but that he must do it out of your home.and you will not be joining in.for now at least thisis how it must be.and he has to accept that.because hes right,he isnt your child so if anything this adds an extra layer of vulnerability on your part.

there are people who are ill with mental illness, some can be on medication and be ok. but some will always be very poorly and for some unsafe in communitys.

ask him honestly how he would feel if the roles were reverse and this was your son.

make sure he knows you love and suppot him and know a parent always wants to love and be there for a child.but its not somthing you can do.

To be fair @YDraig, a cage probably isn't a bad suggestion. YANBU OP. Keep that disgusting excuse of a human away from yourself. I despise incels and until he shows long term, genuine change... not a chance. And even if he has changed, you're still fully in the right to not want him anywhere near you.

And no harm to your partner, but "you don't know what it's like?" Maybe he should stop being such a weak parent and then he can tell you how to do it. Because right now, you're the only one with an ounce of sense.

Fuck no!
I don't give a shiny shit if he "might have changed", he's a violent abusive alcoholic with a drug problem - ok, he's also got bipolar disorder, but that's not an excuse - I wouldn't have him in the house either!

He might have changed. But he hasn't apologised for any of it, has he? Hasn't made any attempt to make amends?
No. Fuck off.

If he comes, you go, for your own safety. It's all very well for your OH to not worry about it - HE's not the one who had the death threats, and the son only seems to attack women, so HE's all right, isn't he.

Again, no. Fuck off.

No fucking way would he be allowed anywhere near me or my home.

Schadenfreude - incel = involuntarily celibate - usually cos they're total fuckwits who think women should have sex with them just because they want it.

YANBU if your partner wants a relationship with his son, they can meet up on neutral ground - play a round of golf, go for lunch or meet at the sons house or something. Just because he wants contact doesnt mean he can force you to have contact as well.

I'm sure your partner feels all sorts of guilt, torment and desperate optimism about his son. That's got bog all to do with allowing you to be made to feel unsafe in your own home.

There are plenty of parents who make the difficult decision to exclude their own adult children from their home. Addiction is the usual root of that. Fears for the safety of other family members often plays a big part. There are also parent carers for disabled and troubled children and adult DC who reach a point where they cannot cope with them in their own home any more, because they are not physically or mentally strong enough, or well enough assisted or equipped to be their carer. Hard but true.

He can take his hopeful 'maybes' elsewhere. Lovely dad and son bonding weekend away maybe?

Thank you Witches

We've all met men like that.

YANBU. If your partner must continue an association with him do not allow it to be at your home.

OP I've worked in mental health and with those with addictions. People can change, including entrenched beliefs, it's a long difficult road and he needs to be fully engaging with treatment long term. I'd suggest as many others have he develops a relationship with his father away from your home and you, that's taken very slowly, gradually if you feel comfortable that he is well and has made changes you may want to join them on occasion and build up from there, it may take many months or years before you feel able to have a relationship with him.

I would question the diagnosis of bipolar. I think it sounds more like EUPD, which is often misdiagnosed as bipolarccas both have mood swings. However, the mood swings in EUPD tend to be more rapid, eg over the coursdd of a day or a few days. Bipolar sufferers tend to have longer periods of depression or man8a, maybe lasting several weeks. Many with an EUPD diagnosis see bipolar as less stigmatising as a PD is sometimes seen as the person being at fault some how.

One reason I suggest it is that substance misuse is often common alongside it (as too are eating disorders and deliberate self harm.)

EUPD was previously felt to be difficult to treat but these days is often seen as having it's roots in childhood trauma, and responds to psychotherapy.

Disclaimer: before anyone suggests I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been a qualified mental health nurse since 1993.

I'm a parent and grandparent, and I have a nephew not unlike this person.
You have total right to say he cannot come to your house OP. Your partner can meet him elsewhere. This is nothing to do with you not being a parent, it's to do with the guilt and confusion your partner feels. It's absolutely fine for you to say no here.
Show your partner the thread. And for you

Thank you again. This was my first post so I don’t know how to quote and reply to people individually.

But just want to say that there’s much more creepier/sleazier stuff

It’s been good to hear from real parents that I’m not expected to just have son visit us, and hear the excuse that because I’m “not. a parent” im being unreasonable.

He makes my flesh crawl. Honestly.

From what I’ve seen he has physically attacked his sisters, his mother, and sent abusive letter to ex step mother\Ohs ex wife. And has said stuff about me on FB about how I’m stopping him living with his father.

Tell your husband he couldn't possibly understand, because he's not a woman. See also; he couldn't possibly be objective because he's the vile creature's the
proven violent and mysogynistic man's father.

For goodness sake don't back down. He can have a relationship with his woman hating son. Nothing about that needs to be conducted in your home. You have a right to to safety and ease in your home. His son being invited there is not compatible with that.

The man is a known physical threat to women including his own family. He has been a completely unknown quantity for 5 years but the attacks and death threats are still tangible evidence. He could have got better: equally he could have got worse! Why the fuck isn't your husband willing to protect you when doing so has no consequence to his lovey dovey roses love and laughter reunion with his son??