Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - DD "friend"

98 replies

Varnas · 28/09/2019 08:55

I rarely post anything but this time I really need others perspective.
It's a bit of a long one - DD/11/ just started secondary, she is shy and very tiny for her age and she doesn't feel confident to walk on her own. There are quite a few kids from her primary there and she has a small circle of friends already but no one who walks in the same direction. And then there is this boy from her primary that is a smart, popular and confident child and is the only one who lives near us. So a week ago his mum asked me if he could come with us to school / I drive/ when it is raining. I didn't mind as both the mum and the boy seem really nice and I was hoping that my DD could befriend him and walk with him sometimes on the way back.
So, Friday after school she called me to say that she asked him whether he wants to come to our house after school to see a movie on Netflix and he said OK. That was really brave of her as she is very shy and she sounded so happy on the phone that she finally has someone to walk with her. 20 min later she stands on our door step all in tears, very distressed. Apparently as they were standing outside the school she remembered that she forgot her coat, she came back with it in 2-3min and the boy was gone. I heard her telling him to wait a minute and he said ok/she was still on the phone with me/. She looked around for him for few minutes and by that time everyone else was gone too and she was left alone and upset. She started to walk and right outside the school a group of Y11 boys started to laugh, shout and throwing things at her. She wasn't hurt but she felt very scared, she was so distressed that she didn't even think to call me to collect her. So she walked all the way home alone and. crying.
A called the school immediately and the bullies will be dealt with on Monday - no issue with that.
The question is - what about the boy that just left her behind? AIBU to think he was mean with my little girl and I should tell him off? Or should I speak to his mum? Or just pretend that nothing happened? 🤔

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 28/09/2019 08:59

Could it not be that he didn’t hear her say she was going back in and thought she had left without him??

IVEgottheDECAF · 28/09/2019 08:59

You need to focus on helping your dd to be more independent

The boy isnt responsible for her. If he was my 11 year old and you spoke to me about this i would be

Teddybear45 · 28/09/2019 08:59

Bullying aside at 11 she should be comfortable walking home alone from secondary school and you should have prepared her for this while in Primary. There was probably a misunderstanding with the boy and if he’s otherwise a good lad then I wouldn’t mention anything to his mum.

IVEgottheDECAF · 28/09/2019 09:00

Also if you "told off" my 11 year old for this i would not be impressed

Themutts · 28/09/2019 09:02

Hi, don't get him told off - maybe he got scared off by bullies too. Or anything coukd have happened. I would get your DD to send him a message asking if he is Ok, did he change his mind about coming over and put a smile emoji.
If he has a real reason for leaving without Her, he will tell her. If not, just write him off.

AmazingGrace16 · 28/09/2019 09:02

Yabu
you don't know if these older children also intimidated her friend or if there were other circumstances.
You need to focus on developing resilience skills so that she can work through tricky situations and support her in the next steps. Let's face it, as adults there may be times when plans are broken with friends and we have to work out what to do.

Gogreen · 28/09/2019 09:03

Could be miscommunication, so I wouldn’t go in guns blazing. She can just ask him where he went on Friday and say he didn’t have to come over if he didn’t want to and see what his reply is...then go from there, he is only 11 himself and kids get so easily distracted.

The bullies is a different matter.

FrancisCrawford · 28/09/2019 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amiapropermum · 28/09/2019 09:03

She's not his responsibility and you don't know what happened that resulted in him leaving. He's not an adult who has deliberately neglected your DD. It wasn't thoughtful, no, but doesn't seem malicious. Not your place to chastise him and if you do you'll be ruining the budding friendship

Gogreen · 28/09/2019 09:03

Plus the boy could have left as he might of been bullied by the same people.

Original poster
Varnas · 28/09/2019 09:05

So do you think I should continue driving him to school and say nothing? Or may be ask him casually what happened on Friday?
I just think that friends shouldn't just leave each other behind but in the same time really don't want to be harsh on him.

OP posts:
IVEgottheDECAF · 28/09/2019 09:05

I dont think you should do anything

Let your dd ask him

Bucatini · 28/09/2019 09:06

I don't think the boy did anything wrong really. He probably didn't realise that your DD would be so scared and upset. He was maybe a bit embarrassed to be seen waiting for a girl but didn't like to tell DD that?

Obviously the bit about the older bullies is awful, but in general I think a year 7 should be able to walk 15 mins home (you say it took 20 mins including going back for her coat) on her own no problem.

amiapropermum · 28/09/2019 09:07

I'm saying this in the nicest possible way but you seem a bit overwrought about this. You need to be helping your daughter to build resilience and find her own feet.

Gogreen · 28/09/2019 09:07

Yes I would continue to drive him, as you don’t know why he left. I would say I thought you was coming over Friday...do you want to come this Friday, not a problem if you don’t though...I know kids your age love their computer games...or something that doesn’t make him awkward in saying no...then from there you can decide what you do.

He isn’t responsible for your daughter though.

Novembersbean · 28/09/2019 09:09

If you're going to see him anyway there's no harm in asking casually, but he doesn't need telling off as you put it.

Zebraaa · 28/09/2019 09:10

Your DD is not his responsibility. He’s going to drift further away from a friendship if he feels he’s been forced to look after her.
Build her resilience.

Original poster
Varnas · 28/09/2019 09:10

I get your point about the independence but this is just something that can't be forced. I enrolled her in krav maga for kids hoping that will help her to gain confidence, I encouraged her to walk back from school since last year but it's just the way she is, and the fact that she is the size of 9y old and literally the tiniest child at the school doesn't really boost her confidence.

OP posts:
MaryBerrysBomberJacket · 28/09/2019 09:10

It doesn't sound like they are friends in the way that you rely on each other though OP; it isn't his responsibility to make sure she walks home ok. She really should be fine doing it on her own at that age; most walk home in my area in Y5 or Y6 anyway and lots of our Y7 get public buses on their own.

Work on her confidence because I can imagine if she is scared by the walk home like that than being in a school surrounded by much bigger kids is terrifying her. I'm 5ft4 and easily get squashed in the corridors.

Wintersnowdrop · 28/09/2019 09:10

You would be completely unreasonable to tell him off. He is an eleven year old child and should not be responsible for your daughter. Maybe he didn’t want to come round to your house, maybe he thought he was waiting too long and your dd had gone without him?! You should reiterate to your dd, she should ring you if she’s worried. I’d be furious though if you approached me to complain about my young child in these circumstances.

Teddybear45 · 28/09/2019 09:12

Why do you want to get involved so much? Your 11 yo needs to make friends and the only way she can do this is if she’s allowed to talk to her friends directly. You running interference will just make her social anxieties worse.

MuchBetterNow · 28/09/2019 09:12

Sorry op but you need to stop being so involved in your dds journey to and from school.

Whether the boy ditched her or not, these things happen, you can't go "telling him off". He doesn't have some duty of care to your dd, he's an 11 year old kid finding his own way to and from high school which is exactly what your dd should be doing.

Cismyfatarse1 · 28/09/2019 09:14

I can see your fears and accept how powerless you feel.

But your feelings and talk of her as tiny, shy and vulnerable mean that will have filtered through to her and she will then reinforce this view of her in her behaviour.

A self-fulfilling prophecy.

You need to tell her she is tough, that size doesn't matter, that she is strong. And let her deal with the boy.

Cambionome · 28/09/2019 09:14

Back off out of your daughter's school friendships. I work in a secondary school and parents constant interference in the minutiae of their children's lives makes everything much worse for them.

MuchBetterNow · 28/09/2019 09:17

Your dds physical build is irrelevant, some of the toughest kids I've taught were the tiniest.

Swipe left for the next trending thread