Aibu - DD "friend"

[Varnas]

I rarely post anything but this time I really need others perspective.
It's a bit of a long one - DD/11/ just started secondary, she is shy and very tiny for her age and she doesn't feel confident to walk on her own. There are quite a few kids from her primary there and she has a small circle of friends already but no one who walks in the same direction. And then there is this boy from her primary that is a smart, popular and confident child and is the only one who lives near us. So a week ago his mum asked me if he could come with us to school / I drive/ when it is raining. I didn't mind as both the mum and the boy seem really nice and I was hoping that my DD could befriend him and walk with him sometimes on the way back.
So, Friday after school she called me to say that she asked him whether he wants to come to our house after school to see a movie on Netflix and he said OK. That was really brave of her as she is very shy and she sounded so happy on the phone that she finally has someone to walk with her. 20 min later she stands on our door step all in tears, very distressed. Apparently as they were standing outside the school she remembered that she forgot her coat, she came back with it in 2-3min and the boy was gone. I heard her telling him to wait a minute and he said ok/she was still on the phone with me/. She looked around for him for few minutes and by that time everyone else was gone too and she was left alone and upset. She started to walk and right outside the school a group of Y11 boys started to laugh, shout and throwing things at her. She wasn't hurt but she felt very scared, she was so distressed that she didn't even think to call me to collect her. So she walked all the way home alone and. crying.
A called the school immediately and the bullies will be dealt with on Monday - no issue with that.
The question is - what about the boy that just left her behind? AIBU to think he was mean with my little girl and I should tell him off? Or should I speak to his mum? Or just pretend that nothing happened? 🤔

Id want to know what happened with the boy who failed to walk home with her. Jeez they've only just started big school, he could have waited.

She does walk sometimes and always alone. Just she was hoping at least once she could have company.

But why?

Company is nice if you happen to have actual friends walking the same way as you but it's not something you can force or micromanage.

Having said that, his mum sounds just as bad. I think I would've died of embarrassment if my mum had rang another parent to ask if I could walk/get driven to senior school with another child or their parent.

I would have died of mortification if my mum had asked a friend 'casually' why they hadn't come home with me! She's too big for you to be fighting her battles (little ones like this anyway, I'm with you on tackling the year 11's!)

"his mum sounds just as bad. I think I would've died of embarrassment if my mum had rang another parent"
Well, actually we know each other, my DD and her son were in the same class in the primary, so it wasn't awkward I think.

I could be totally wrong, OP, because I'm just going on how it comes across here, but do you think your worries and concerns are transferring to her? Hoping she'd have company for once sounds like an adult's sentiment

Even if the boy had been walking home with your DD the year 11s would probably have still behaved in the same way.

Both my sons have done karate since primary school and are both black belts. One of their instructors has been a teeny 11 year old girl who is a 2nd or 3rd dan (beyond black belt). She looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth but if you saw her ground fighting (where they literally try to pin each other to the floor) you would be very surprised at how tenacious she is. Size has nothing to do with attitude/confidence.

Having had a child who was a worrier, I taught him breathing exercising to get himself under control so that he didn't cry so easily. But your DD needs to build resilience which can only be done by repeating behaviours, so walking to and from school. She needs to stand straight, walk with confidence because those bastard kids can smell fear.

Re the boy, this arrangement was done between two Mums not the children themselves. The other Mum probably sees more benefit in the fact that you can drive them up to school if it is raining which is why it has been arranged now rather than before they started school. If he leaves her again, maybe she can tell him herself she doesn't want to walk with someone unreliable but it is for them to sort out.

Well, actually we know each other, my DD and her son were in the same class in the primary, so it wasn't awkward I think.

But still utterly overprotective and embarrassing for a senior school child, no?

Perhaps that's why he didn't hang around. He probably just wanted to get home, knowing that like the rest of his year he was more than capable of doing that.

Ok, he shouldn't have agreed to wait and then changed his mind but perhaps he didn't realise what a big deal it was to your DD.

YANBU. If he had an agreement with a friend to walk home, whatever the reason they arranged this, he should've waited the couple of minutes.

**amiapropermum she didn't put it that way exactly, that's my interpretation 😊
My Mamma Bear instincts are taking over and I'm ready to go nuclear on anyone who make my DC cry 😜 but I really should concentrate on the bullies because they are the culprits actually.
And you are right - the boy did nothing wrong and I definitely won't say or do anything unless it comes up in a conversation.

Ok, I have a new year 7 with SEN. Learning to get the bus home.

The most important thing you can do for your dd in this situation is focus on how SHE can handle these situations. She could have gone back into school to find a member of staff if she didn’t feel safe. She could have phoned you. She could have gone into a shop or place of safety if there is one.

You really need to focus on what your dd could do, not others. Because things like this will happen.

She isn’t your ‘little girl’ who someone has been mean to. She’s nearly a teenager and needs to learn to handle these things. Sorry if that’s harsh.

Step back from her friendships and focus on building her skills.

Definitely don’t say anything to the boy. It’s between him and your dd.

I think it's really important that you keep very calm with your response to her and allow her to think about how she could deal with it next time.

I used to walk home with a neighbouring kid - if we fell out or whatever (I remember it happening ) no adult would have thought about getting involved!

This is one of the problems with children having less and less independence. HIstorically children would have been out on the street learning to get along/ fall out/ have conversations about issues like this from the age of six or seven - now they are constantly 'parented' by adults intervening they literally don't have the resilience to have healthy friendships.

This kid - the boy - is also young and new to the school - you absolutely cannot blame him or get involved. If your daughter wants to learn to spea up this is a good opportunity. She could say - hey would you like to come round another day or something and try to really help her see that there are a myriad of reasons he may have got confused and walked off without her.

She also HAS to be resliient enough to cope with the walk home on her own that is part of growing up.

My Mamma Bear instincts are taking over and I'm ready to go nuclear on anyone who make my DC cry

And there's your problem ^^

Along with...

I get I'm a bit overprotective but this is a result of my own upbringing. My mum wasn't much involved with what I did and as a result I moved out when I was 16 and got in quite a lot of trouble. Trying not to repeat her mistakes I'm probably going too much in the opposite way.

Honestly, stop driving her to and from school. Back off and let her walk alone, just as she'd have to if you didn't own a car. Buy her an umbrella for when she walks home in the rain.

She'll find her own (real) friends eventually and some of them will be walking her way, or offering to knock for her.

It's so early in the school year but it'll work itself out if you stand back and let it.

You are being a bit unreasonable. I understand the worry moving into Secondary. We are so anxious for them to settle and be happy.

I have 2 in Secondary. A dd and a ds. Neither knew anyone when they started. I did worry, and it took plenty of time to settle and find their feet. They took the bus, knowing no-one. Believe me, the school bus is a baptism of fire!

Don't forget this boy is probably trying to find his feet too, no matter how confident and popular he seems. Someone may have teased him about waiting for her? His mates may have asked him to walk with them and he just did? I know it's not too polite but they're 11, at a massive new school trying to fit in and not have attention drawn to themselves. I don't think it's a personal decision against your dd, just perhaps a bit selfish and unthoughtful?

I agree that the bullying by y11's would still have happened if he was there and probably worse,

Don't say anything to the boy. Let it all play out and let dd find her way.

It's hard letting go from Primary to Secondary. You do need to at least give the impression of being relaxed and unbothered, even if you don't feel it. Let your dc tell you their worries but don't act (unless they're serious issues!).
I know a few parents from the time my dd was in Y7 who were ridiculously over-involved in their dcs social life. As a result their dc's seems more immature than others and didn't settle well further into the year as other dcs were uncomfortable with them.
Only now my dd is in Y10 that some of these dcs are becoming more independent. Dd long since moved on to friendships she felt less stifled and 'watched'.

You're dd will be fine in time. She will take her cues from you. Don't panic if there are tears over something minor. It's how you handle it that matters.

Hope things get better and more settled for you both.

**Milicentbystander72. 💐💐

My dd is yr7 so just started school. She won’t walk alone atm but will walk around anywhere if she’s with another friend. It’s a confidence issue, I’m sure. She didn’t have much practice at walking around and to school because I’m disabled so had to drive her so I imagine this has quite a bearing.

She gets the bus to school and I’m dropping and collecting her from the bus stop because no one from the bus comes our way. This is something, I do intend to address and I think the best way to do this is to wait until after the winter, when the better weather starts to come and the days have gone through the dark mornings / evenings. Right now everything is very new.

She isn’t the least bit embarrassed or getting any stick from the other kids. They most likely think I’m an overprotective mother and I’m fine for them to think that tbh. She’s had to deal with a lot in her life as I’ve had 2 major surgeries within the past year and a bit and have been largely bedridden since she was 3.

I’ve started dropping her around the corner and getting her to walk a little. I’m not going to be doing this till she’s 16 and my reckoning is that she’s very capable in other areas and will catch up with this one soon enough.

All this to say, I take responsibility for my dd and don’t expect another child to do so. Her friend, who lives around the corner is happy to collect her when they go out otherwise I drive her around. She’s now at a different school from this friend unfortunately.

I agree about helping your dd become more independent and less anxious.. But I would personally find it hard to keep giving a lift to the lad and pretend everything was ok

Children are often quite bad at making arrangements. I doubt the boy meant to cause her any distress but I'm sorry she was distressed. It's not much fun when people are bullying and you say that will be dealt with. Good.

Try and encourage her to have confidence to walk home from school alone.

Good luck.

**Chandler913 he is otherwise a nice, well behaved, well mannered child, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt and just accept that either there was a miscommunication or he had a good reason. Although it was unkind I understand that he is just a child and probably didn't realised it.

How tall is your DD?

I agree your dd needs to build up her confidence they will be many other times she may have to walk alone like when your neighbours son is ill or he may decide to walk with someone else .
It's not a big deal , to her it is but she needs to learn to deal with the situation.
Yes she should be upset annoyed but to be in tears is something she will need to get over and kids are cruel . Year 11 picking on year 7 definitely should be dealt with .
Wipe her tears and tell her next time she needs to be brave hold head high and be confident.
It's a difficult time and I understand some kids struggle to adapt .

DD is 135cm tall. She gets daily comments from older children about her size but in a kind way, like "Ohhh, you are sooo tiny and cute" so she doesn't feel offended.

Also you can't really say anything to him you dd needs to do that if she wants . It would sound silly to say make sure you walk home together. Unless it's really isolated area what's the problem?

You mustn't meddle in her friendships at this age... if its actual bullying then get involved.. but it sounds like he may have just panicked or changed his mind or maybe he is a bit mean who knows... but she needs to navigate these things herself... be there for her with advice and support but dont overstep the mark by 'having a word with him' that is mortifyingly embarrassing for her and eont help the situation at all... if anything try and encourage her to ask about what happened herself at some point.... and then remind her that not everyone is going to be a good friend and it's possible this boy might turn out not to be as nicer person as he initially seemed... and that's fine there are other friends she could make
For now I'd just continue to drive home to school and stay out of it directly.
These kids are too old now for you to curate their relationships with each other in this detail

If you tell this popular boy off for not waiting for your daughter you will ruin any chance of a friendship she has with him. Eleven is too old for you to manage her friendships this way - it will make things much harder for her at school.

If your daughter wants to raise it with him, she can. If she just wants to leave it, you have to respect that that's how she wants to handle it (even if you don't agree). If you try to resolve it yourself, the boy will be defensive and reluctant to spend time with your daughter, and she will likely be embarrassed.

Keep giving him the lifts and let them work this out between them.

If your friends with the boys mother then I don’t see any harm in you mentioning it to her.

They are only 11 and despite what people are saying on here I think walking alone is a bit scary. My dd is now 15 and didn’t really walk anywhere alone until she was 14 (but we do live in the middle of nowhere so she’s never really needed too), some kids take longer to gain confidence, my daughters only recently been able to go into a shop and get some shopping alone or order food in a cafe with her friends. Not all kids are confident but I’m sure it will come over time.