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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu - DD "friend"

98 replies

Varnas · 28/09/2019 08:55

I rarely post anything but this time I really need others perspective.
It's a bit of a long one - DD/11/ just started secondary, she is shy and very tiny for her age and she doesn't feel confident to walk on her own. There are quite a few kids from her primary there and she has a small circle of friends already but no one who walks in the same direction. And then there is this boy from her primary that is a smart, popular and confident child and is the only one who lives near us. So a week ago his mum asked me if he could come with us to school / I drive/ when it is raining. I didn't mind as both the mum and the boy seem really nice and I was hoping that my DD could befriend him and walk with him sometimes on the way back.
So, Friday after school she called me to say that she asked him whether he wants to come to our house after school to see a movie on Netflix and he said OK. That was really brave of her as she is very shy and she sounded so happy on the phone that she finally has someone to walk with her. 20 min later she stands on our door step all in tears, very distressed. Apparently as they were standing outside the school she remembered that she forgot her coat, she came back with it in 2-3min and the boy was gone. I heard her telling him to wait a minute and he said ok/she was still on the phone with me/. She looked around for him for few minutes and by that time everyone else was gone too and she was left alone and upset. She started to walk and right outside the school a group of Y11 boys started to laugh, shout and throwing things at her. She wasn't hurt but she felt very scared, she was so distressed that she didn't even think to call me to collect her. So she walked all the way home alone and. crying.
A called the school immediately and the bullies will be dealt with on Monday - no issue with that.
The question is - what about the boy that just left her behind? AIBU to think he was mean with my little girl and I should tell him off? Or should I speak to his mum? Or just pretend that nothing happened? 🤔

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 28/09/2019 11:29

I agree with other posters you need to let her get on with it. No lifts. Don’t get involved in friendship drama. It’s reasonable to walk 15 mins to school and back. If it rains take a thin waterproof over blazer or a brolly. My dd is in yr 9. I can see that dd’s friends from primary school and children of some relatives that are driven to and from school daily have all seemed to have more issues at school and it doesn’t do them any favours in the long run. It’s a shame you didn’t start with day 1 you walk but I’d speak to dd and say from x date now she is settled in she is walking. She will surprise you I bet. Also look at norms for socialising outside school. If your dd isn’t allowed into town or on a bus she will stand out and be socially isolated.

Straycatstrut · 28/09/2019 11:32

I'm not surprised she's scared to walk home alone if she gets targeted by bullies when she does.

I was small, immature and shy, considered ugly and awkward, "gothic" - very easy target for bullies. I usually walked with my friend, but we had a lot of fallings out meaning I went myself a lot. I felt vulnerable but I had to do it as my parents worked, unable to ferry me about. I kept my head down and I just went for it. The more you do it the more confident you get, as with everything - but I get her not wanting to do it alone I really do.

RedskyLastNight · 28/09/2019 11:56

I asked my 13 year old (who is the smallest child in Year 9) what she thought about this situation. She said-

does the girl have a crush on the boy? Otherwise why is she so bothered? (she also said I shouldn't write that bit as no one tells their mum when they have a crush!)
the girl should talk to the boy and find out what happened
her mum should do nothing
Year 11 boys are mean (DD has a brother in Y11), but if it was right by school she should have gone in and told someone about them.

I'd add to what others have said that you should stop driving her. Also, my experience is that a large part of after school socialising is "hanging out" after school. My DC sometimes walk home with others going in their direction (or sometimes others going home in entirely different directions), but they both do a lot of chatting to friends after school before heading home on their own.

Original poster

Varnas · 28/09/2019 12:03

"does the girl have a crush on the boy? Otherwise why is she so bothered? (she also said I shouldn't write that bit as no one tells their mum when they have a crush!)"
I don't think so. She is bothered because someone said that they will wait for her and they didn't, she would be equally upset if it was a girl, not just that particular boy.

OP posts:

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 12:03

I agree with amiapropermum. I am very short, and was very painfully shy and quiet. And I was bullied and picked on. But I was walking to school from 9 years of age onwards. Most kids did. At 11 I was bike-riding to school (could she do that?) I would be very concerned at the emotional development for her at her age and that an 11 year old cannot walk to school on her own. Can you perhaps look at getting her some counselling or therapy? And no, I would definitely not blame the boy, at least until you've heard his side. As a pp said, he perhaps misheard her, had to go to the toilet - anything. Yes, if he is walking with her he shouldn't leave her, but he is not duty-bound to do what he is doing, and he should be made to feel he has to do it. You can't expect that of him or anyone else. A favour is not an obligation.

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 12:04

*shouldn't be made to feel

BloggersBlog · 28/09/2019 12:13

It may have been a good thing they didnt walk together in front of a load of year 11 boys. There would probably been a load of loud comments of "wayhay look at you 2" and "are you gf/bf" and other silliness! It may have made both of them feel really awkward and spoiled their friendship.

HaileySherman · 28/09/2019 12:14

I don't think you should save anything at all to the boy, casually or not, only because it would give away how upset your daughter was, upset enough to bring it up to you. I think you should encourage her to message him and inquire if he's ok or something casual from her. More than that may truly ruin any chance for what seems like a beneficial friendship.

RedskyLastNight · 28/09/2019 12:17

It's now 12.15 on Saturday - has your daughter been in touch with him? A simply "what happened to you yesterday?" would be enough.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 28/09/2019 12:19

I would be concerned to check if the boy got home alright actually. I would also presume a mis-communication at this point. Your dd should have sent him a message to check he was alright.

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 12:19

Agree with PPs about height. I just had to check my height in feet via an online converter as I only know centimetres/metres. I am 4 foot 10 apparently. At almost 43. So I would have been shorter when I was 11. I was shy because of my make up as a person, my personality. I wasn't shy because of my height (or lack of) being short never actually entered my mind when I was shy of things. To be honest, I never even noticed the difference. I would have been shy even if I was 5 foot 9 or 6 foot whatever. Height has no bearing on being shy. Often those her I knew were the shortest, were the most loud and mouthy. In contrast to myself. So it seems to me that you are the one emphasising her height and basically putting this into her head, and giving her a complex, adding to her shyness and anxiety. Short or tall, has no bearing on being shy or being able to walk to school or not.

Original poster

Varnas · 28/09/2019 12:20

**Bloggers Blog I haven't thought about that! You are absolutely right - it might have looked awkward and very embarrassing for both of them.
Thanks for giving me another perspective.

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 28/09/2019 12:22

"Sounds like the older boys might have chased him off" - definitely not the case, they were 200m from the school.*

You can’t say that for sure though.. you have no idea what happened.. don’t say anything to the mum that would be really unfair.

Out if interest the boy was meant to be coming home to yours straight after school? Did you alert his mum that he didn’t show up?

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 12:26

I get I'm a bit overprotective but this is a result of my own upbringing. My mum wasn't much involved with what I did and as a result I moved out when I was 16 and got in quite a lot of trouble.

Well it does make a lot of sense now and is understandable. Sorry you were treated like that.

TimeForNewStart · 28/09/2019 12:36

I think you’re setting up your DD for disappointment if you are trying to push her to be besties with an 11 year old lad.

TooManyPaws · 28/09/2019 12:40

Please don't concentrate on her size; that's got nothing to do with her inner strength or self-confidence which may need building up. You need to get the idea into her head that she can cope with all this. I used to work for the police and the toughest, most effective officers were often small women. Attitude counts for a lot. Even in animals - I have several dogs and they are kept in their place by one of the smallest ones, and disabled at that!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/09/2019 12:42

Can I just say, OP, that your dd's size is not necessarily relevant. The very worst, nastiest little bully in my year at school was a tiny little thing - with a truly poisonous mouth.

People of all shapes and sizes can be very shy, self-conscious and lacking in confidence. As pps have said, she needs her confidence built up, and TBH the only way she's going to do that is do perfectly normal things like walking to and from school, and finding that it's not that really so scary after all.

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2019 12:45

It doesn't sound like they are friends yet. Maybe he didn't hear her, she took too long, he needed a wee or got scared off by the bullies. Tell your daughter to ask him what happened. If he couldn't be bothered to wait for her then do the same back. Leave earlier in the car. If it was a misunderstanding then give him another chance.

1forAll74 · 28/09/2019 13:06

No,don't say anything to him,or his Mum, it's probably a misunderstanding as others have said. You need to tell your daughter,that these kind of things happen with schoolchildren sometimes.

HomeParker · 28/09/2019 14:27

How do you know he didnt wait? If DD is so anxious about walking alone, had to go back for a coat, came out to see a group of bullies, is not used to being on her own - maybe she didnt even see him waiting?

obligations · 28/09/2019 17:41

OP, I can see why you're protective of your dd, some 11 year olds can seem much younger than others, esp if they are physically small and shy. I think some people on her are way too harsh on you. Seeing as the boy's mum had asked about lifts etc it sounds like maybe the way of doing things where you are is for kids to walk together and parents to help organise them. I really think you need to not be cross with the boy though, just (as others have said) praise your dd for making it home alone and if you are in touch with the boy's mum you could just ask what happened as you're concerned he got home ok as there seems to have been a mix-up about them coming home together.

Harpingon · 28/09/2019 18:36

They are not friends yet but she is being very brave and trying to form a friendship. He sounds nice but he is not responsible for your daughter in any way at all. As his parent I would be very cross if you changed the goal posts and tried to make him her 'minder'. At 11yrs old she needs to be capable of walking to school on her own (my niece is very small but manages the walk to her primary school easily) It would be easy to be overprotective because of her size but you are doing her no favors.

RedskyLastNight · 28/09/2019 19:50

Just a thought, but as this sounds like the sort of school which lots of people walk to (so presumably all live close by), why doesn't she invite one of the friends she has made to come home with her after school? Or similarly "invite herself" to a friend's house? This might help her feel more confident about walking round the area in general.

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