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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - DD "friend"

98 replies

Varnas · 28/09/2019 08:55

I rarely post anything but this time I really need others perspective.
It's a bit of a long one - DD/11/ just started secondary, she is shy and very tiny for her age and she doesn't feel confident to walk on her own. There are quite a few kids from her primary there and she has a small circle of friends already but no one who walks in the same direction. And then there is this boy from her primary that is a smart, popular and confident child and is the only one who lives near us. So a week ago his mum asked me if he could come with us to school / I drive/ when it is raining. I didn't mind as both the mum and the boy seem really nice and I was hoping that my DD could befriend him and walk with him sometimes on the way back.
So, Friday after school she called me to say that she asked him whether he wants to come to our house after school to see a movie on Netflix and he said OK. That was really brave of her as she is very shy and she sounded so happy on the phone that she finally has someone to walk with her. 20 min later she stands on our door step all in tears, very distressed. Apparently as they were standing outside the school she remembered that she forgot her coat, she came back with it in 2-3min and the boy was gone. I heard her telling him to wait a minute and he said ok/she was still on the phone with me/. She looked around for him for few minutes and by that time everyone else was gone too and she was left alone and upset. She started to walk and right outside the school a group of Y11 boys started to laugh, shout and throwing things at her. She wasn't hurt but she felt very scared, she was so distressed that she didn't even think to call me to collect her. So she walked all the way home alone and. crying.
A called the school immediately and the bullies will be dealt with on Monday - no issue with that.
The question is - what about the boy that just left her behind? AIBU to think he was mean with my little girl and I should tell him off? Or should I speak to his mum? Or just pretend that nothing happened? 🤔

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 28/09/2019 09:23

You sound way to invested...let your DD take the lead and discus with the boy, if she wants to.

You have no right to tell him off and mentioning to his mum makes you seem a bit off key.

How does your DD feel about you still giving him a lift?

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 28/09/2019 09:27

It's not nice but this is something she can learn from. My dd made and lost friends in year 7. The 'populars' soon formed their circles and she wasn't in any of them.
It was a tough time but she came out of it having learned that you can't force friendships and some friendships end. what's important is being strong within yourself, being comfortable walking to school alone (my dd listens to music if she walks alone) and remembering that other friends will come along and to be open to all opportunities. Year 7/8 were both tough but real supportive friendships happened in year 9.
There are some great books you can get to boost confidence and self esteem. One is called The Confidence Code and there's a series called 'A Smart Girls Guide to...'

Original poster
Varnas · 28/09/2019 09:30

Thank you all for the replies 💐
It's hard to see the things clearly when I'm upset and you are right, it's not his fault. Probably it was just a misunderstanding and I shouldn't be so worked up about it. I will keep being nice to him and if DD feels like she could ask him.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 28/09/2019 09:33

Her size is irrelevant except it’s making you treat her as a delicate and fragile little child. My daughter is 4’11” at 21 and the feistiest, most confident person I know. She was always a midget, it didn’t happen suddenly.
Please don’t involve yourself by speaking to the boy. Ridiculous over-parenting.
Your child needs to learn to cope. She needs to be walking to school and back regularly. Children can alone quite safely.

FrancisCrawford · 28/09/2019 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/09/2019 09:38

I agree a misunderstanding with the boy. They don’t know each other well , so that makes it even more likely. Or as pps have said, perhaps he was also a bit worried by the lairy year 11s.

They will get to know each other better if you are sometimes driving him.
With confidence generally, it takes time to build. My younger dd is a year older than yours, and also quite small. She is naturally a worrier, and it takes her time to feel confident in new situations where she isn’t quite sure what is expected of her, as she hates to do the wrong thing.
Your dd has only just started big school, i do think it is so different from primary that it takes a couple of terms or even longer to really settle in. I can see my dd is starting to settle into the school more this year.

WorraLiberty · 28/09/2019 09:39

I really think you need to stop driving your daughter to school.

Also, as others have said, try to work on her confidence and independence. Why is she so hung up on being smaller? Why does that make a difference to her walking to and from school?

I think all the driving to and from is sending her mixed messages. She doesn't need to be chauffeured around.

It's time to take a huge step back. She may not like it at first, but I'm sure she'll thank you for it in a few weeks when walking to school alone will become completely normal.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/09/2019 09:44

At the age of 11 he probably got distracted when another friend came along, or maybe she took longer than he expected and he thought she already walked past without him seeing.

It's easier said than done but I'd focus on trying to improve your dd's confidence when she's out. It's sad and shitty but a visibly anxious/upset girl on her own is going to draw more attention than one who looks calm and purposeful. But if she's really not ready to walk by herself, could you walk her/collect her?

Destinesia · 28/09/2019 09:45

I think the problem is that you don't have confidence in her walking on her own. You drive her when it rains and you're still calling her your "little girl"

Try to work on her resilience and how to deal with intimidating situations.

FWIW I'm also the parent to a small, slight child 11year old who walks to and from school alone.

Nomorepies · 28/09/2019 09:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

katewhinesalot · 28/09/2019 09:47

I'd leave them to be friends or not. Sort their relationship put themselves. If they end up not being friends then you can decide whether to continue the lifts or not, depending on whether he's actively mean or whether they rub along ok but aren't good friends.

youarenotkiddingme · 28/09/2019 09:51

I wouldn't make any decisions about lifts until your dd has asked him what happened?

But yeah - if he just decides he couldn't be bothered to wait or went off with other pals I'd say no in future. I'd be polite about it but I'd say that as he can't be bothered to wait for ds then no - you can't be bothered to wait for him.

BWOB · 28/09/2019 09:55

I agree with PP - your expectations that your tiny daughter is not up to this is what is causing some (alot?) if the issue here. You view her as small, vulnerable, shy, not able to cope, a victim of others being bigger/tougher.

So your anxiety filters down to her and her behaviours.

You need to hoik your big-adult-pants up and change your stance - at least externally.

So no "Poor you being abandoned on Friday after school" talk. Leave her to talk to her friend.

Stop giving her a lift to school in the first place.

Change your conversations about Friday night to "Wow, you dealt with it so well. I know it was scary - but you came home on your own. Showed me how well you can cope/adapt. I am really proud of you." "Wow those Yr 11s must have been a bit scary - well done for getting home and telling me about it. It must have been tough - but look how well you did even though you were upset." (Obviously amended depending on the result - but find some positives/bravery to build her resilience - not sympathy to reinforce her weakness).

Accentuate how well she is coping, how well she can/will continue to cope.

You are babying her - and it will not benefit her.

And I say this as the mother of a new Year 7 DS who is also the size of a Yr9 and only for the first time ever met friends in the park last night. My DS is disorganised, in no rush to grow up (prefers lego to Fortnite) and before this term never walked to school before (couldn't get into the local schools so I had to drive him). We breezily expected him to cope (terrified inside) and he has. though he still takes a fucking age to get ready in the mornings

TatianaLarina · 28/09/2019 09:55

I’d probably have done the same at his age. It’s not as if they’re friends. I wouldn’t have hung around for someone I didn’t know that well.

If she’s not confident walking on her own then you need to come up with a new way of getting home. I’m not sure why she can’t walk alone at her age?

You’re clearly very anxious OP and a bit overprotective, that won’t help DD’s confidence.

thewalrus · 28/09/2019 09:55

As others have said, the situation with the 11 yr old friend is quite separate from that with the Y10s which I fully understand your stress about and I hope the school will deal with. It's hard to know if he was unkind or it was a misunderstanding, time will tell, but he's not responsible for your daughter.

I have a tiny (off the charts) 11 year old too (Y6 though). She is petite and very fair and she takes no shit from anybody. As a small person myself (I was the smallest in my year like your daughter), I do notice that some people (from the tall side of the family 😂) treat her like she's younger and I do my best to stop it. It's very likely she'll be a small adult, so it doesn't so her any flavours.
Hope you and your daughter are ok, starting secondary is a stressful time.

WonderWomansSpin · 28/09/2019 09:57

Maybe he thought she'd changed her mind about him coming back to watch a movie and that she'd made up the coat excuse so she could dump him.

WorraLiberty · 28/09/2019 10:01

Also, the fact she's found someone to walk to school with but you're still driving them, is inadvertently throwing a spanner in the works.

Surely driving her and her walking partner defeats the purpose?

Original poster
Varnas · 28/09/2019 10:07

"the situation with the 11 yr old friend is quite separate from that with the Y10s"
Yes, they are separate events but accumulated together and that's way she was crying. If they happened on different days she wouldn't be so bothered I think.
I get I'm a bit overprotective but this is a result of my own upbringing. My mum wasn't much involved with what I did and as a result I moved out when I was 16 and got in quite a lot of trouble. Trying not to repeat her mistakes I'm probably going too much in the opposite way. 🙄

OP posts:
Juells · 28/09/2019 10:10

Sounds like the older boys might have chased him off. Apart from that, I can't believe you'd interfere and tell a child off for not waiting for your child. FFS, let your daughter develop some resilience. Crying???? Because she had to walk home alone?

Seedling111 · 28/09/2019 10:12

Your job is to help your child grow into a capable adult. Help her become strong.

MuchBetterNow · 28/09/2019 10:14

You sound lovely op. We're all just bumbling along trying our best. She'll be ok and so will you xx

GreenTulips · 28/09/2019 10:16

My son was the smallest at school for years and only now it year 10 is he finally growing.

He is super confident and has lots of friends - his size has never been an issue.

ginrummy1 · 28/09/2019 10:17

Just because your DD looks like a 9 year old does not mean you should still be treating her like one.

I think you need to take a step back and let your DD learn how to deal with situations like these as they arise, you seem to have very low expectations of her

1ToughCookie · 28/09/2019 10:19

Food for thought. Not an analysis or anything just me thinking aloud:

I wonder if your concerns over the walk, friends, her physically size, is communicating to her that there's danger in each of these things. Your worries are becoming her worries. You don't seem confident in her ability to overcome these everyday things.

Maybe try communicating confidence in her ability to take care of herself and let nature take care of the rest?

Original poster
Varnas · 28/09/2019 10:19

"Sounds like the older boys might have chased him off" - definitely not the case, they were 200m from the school.
"Crying???? Because she had to walk home alone?", not because of the walk but because she felt disappointed and afterwards bullied.
She does walk sometimes and always alone. Just she was hoping at least once she could have company.

OP posts:
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