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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I prove I am not lying about this

91 replies

Farfarfaraway · 27/09/2019 23:35

No really a AIBU but painting for traffic

Tonight I sat down with my husband and said I was worried about us and he said so am I and he launched into a speal that I had made up I had been on the phone twice when my employer rung me about doing some extra hours and that he had checked my call and the calls did not match up to the times I was on the phone. I know why that is the clock on my phone is about 15 minutes fast so the calls showed up 15 minutes later but the calls where still there.

He also said received calls show up as red but all my calls recently received or not have shown up as black. Unfortunelty the calls also showed up as cancelled calls when I was on the phone for about 30 seconds. No idea why. But short of asking my employer to confirm she phoned me what can I do and I really don’t want to do that as it would be a really strange thing to ask her to ring or email my husband and confirmed she made the calls. I could also explain my phone time is fast but he would just say I had changed it to make it look fast.
I also had to ring 101 to phone the police a few days before as one of our “lovely” neighbours had a women in a head lock. He said I made that up as well. Again it is there in my call records.

I was diognosed with post traumatic stress syndrome and PND after I had my child 7 years ago due to a traumatic birth and I did lie about some hospital appointments being cancelled by the hospital as I was in a bad place and could not face them so I had cancelled them but I know he would be mad I did not attend so I lied. These appointment were not to do with the PTSD but with a health condition I have had for years that has not changed in years and I just could not face the hospital. I got a real fear of them. He found out and we nearly split up over it.

Since then I always feel I have been distrusted by him. Is still don’t think he had any idea what I went through. Part of my PTSD I am sure was him being a totally knob during the birth and not supporting me at all on what I wanted or needed.

He usually comes up with these things when I ask to have a chat because I am worried about us or his behaviour, he has a really short temper and has been throwing things round a lot and breaking things.

Not sure what to do

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 27/09/2019 23:38

Er....it sounds like you're being abused and gaslighted OP. You don't have to "prove" anything to him. Tell him to fuck off and leave him.

PurpleWithRed · 27/09/2019 23:40

Work on leaving him. He’s becoming unreasonably jealous, gaslighting you and throwing violent temper tantrums. 🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
Farfarfaraway · 27/09/2019 23:42

He says the cancelled calls showing prove I was lying. I have not idea why a phone call would show as a cancelled call but it did and I am 100% telling the truth and refuse to ask my employer to confirm it

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 27/09/2019 23:42

I agree with the others.

This is not good OP. Ask yourself if any normal conversation would be around a 15 minute discrepancy about a phone call with a colleague.

It would not.

I can only imagine how much your mental heath and self esteem would improve if you left him.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/09/2019 23:43

You don't have to prove anything.
He sounds horrible, no need for you to put up with this abuse. Any reason you think he is worth staying with?

MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2019 23:47

You are not in a court of law, you don’t have to prove anything at all. I’ve no idea what he’s trying to achieve but use this as a prime example of someone who should be your friend, support and love acting in precisely the opposite way.

Do you have anywhere to go to be safe? Throwing things around is violence. Abuse. Unsafe for you and your DC. Please get help.

Original poster
Farfarfaraway · 27/09/2019 23:48

It didn’t help that I lyed and told him that I won DS some of his Christmas presents in a competition last year as I knew he would go mad at me for getting him them and he checked my emails and found I bought them. So I am not totally innocent here.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 27/09/2019 23:49

It doesn't MATTER what he says about the calls. He's being a weirdo. Highly unreasonable.

Leave.

taytosandwich · 27/09/2019 23:49

He would be angry at you for buying your child Christmas presents? This can't be real, please god.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/09/2019 23:50

You lied about your DS gifts because you're a decent parent who wanted her child to have nice things. He doesn't get to control that. You lied because your're scared of him. You are innocent. Stop talking about what you've done "wrong" because you haven't.

Can you leave? Is there somewhere you could go? Call WOMENS AID>

CSIblonde · 27/09/2019 23:50

Why should you prove who you talked to? Why is he going thru your phone? And analysing them down to the minute, that's over the top obsessive. That's highly controlling. And what is the issue with you being on the phone & your employer, is he saying she didn't call & you were on phone to someone else at the time he tried to call you? Show him the wrong time you've set in the phone & then reset it. Then consider that he's using deflecting tactics to derail your discussion by bringing this up. It's abusive & huge red flag. And if you can't face appts re your long running condition that's your decision. Him being horrible at your child's birth suggests he's awful all round. Do you really want to stay with someone like this.

Elieza · 27/09/2019 23:51

None of this is normal. What does he care whether or not you phoned or were phoned by someone? I don’t understand why you have even been conversing about it. The answer is that “it’s none of your business whether my boss and I spoke darling”.

I can only assume that this is about your previous history of lying and he fears that you’re at it again.
So what’s he frightened you are lying about now? Does he think you are having an affair or something?
He sounds a bit controlling. I just don’t get it. Or why you need to prove anything?

I wonder what other unreasonable things he is expecting you to justify. How long you took at the shops, how much you spent on shopping?

Not good if any of that’s happening. Or is he stressed out as his jobs shite or something and nitpicking at you because of his own insecurities and failings. Sod that.
If he doesn’t trust or respect you is it time to go?

Original poster
Farfarfaraway · 27/09/2019 23:52

Because I still see glimpses of the man I married and I have a disability and don’t know if I could cope on my own. Seems pathetic I know

OP posts:
Greysparkles · 27/09/2019 23:54

Why is the time on your phone 15 minutes out??? I can't understand why you would do that in the first place

fallfallfall · 27/09/2019 23:54

this is not a healthy relationship.
no point in trying to salvage it.

Original poster
Farfarfaraway · 27/09/2019 23:55

He says I pretended to speak to someone

OP posts:
Original poster
Farfarfaraway · 27/09/2019 23:56

It just has been for a while now Greysparkles and I don’t know why I have not changed it I just look at the time and knock 15 minutes off. Weird I know

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 27/09/2019 23:56

You don't know if you could cope because he's had you living a life that would drive any person to despair.

The glimpses you get are just that. You don't 'see' the man you fell for because he doesn't exist anymore

Original poster
Farfarfaraway · 27/09/2019 23:57

I didn’t change it I am guessing my DS was messing on it and changed it somehow

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 27/09/2019 23:57

Your phone calls are FUCK ALL TO DO WITH HIM.

keekeedee · 28/09/2019 00:01

Wooooooah been there done that! Red flags everywhere throughout your post OP 🚩. Everything he is saying is abusive. Domestic abuse doesn't have to be physical, he is psychologically abusing you! Look at what he is doing... he is making you doubt yourself. You don't have to prove ANYTHING to him. Not one thing. Don't waste another second on this man- he will suck the life out of you and leave you feeling weak and drained. Like I said, been there done that. I got out and now you need to too.

Original poster
Farfarfaraway · 28/09/2019 00:01

He will never address his own problems it always deflects back to me. It always my fault he gets frustrated he says I glare at him a lot and it makes him angry (I don’t believe I do)

OP posts:
Elieza · 28/09/2019 00:04

Why did he think you pretended to speak to somebody? So you didn’t have to speak to him?

You aren’t telling us all so we can’t help you as much as we could if you did tell us the full story? There’s more to this isn’t there?

maddening · 28/09/2019 00:06

The fact that you are scared to tell him v simple truths to the extent that you are having to resort to lies over buying dc a present show that he is a twat.

Ellie56 · 28/09/2019 00:11

He will never address his own problems it always deflects back to me. It always my fault he gets frustrated he says I glare at him a lot and it makes him angry (I don’t believe I do)

It is NOT your fault OP. This is all part of the emotional abuse. Your so called "D"H is an abusive twat. You need to get out of this toxic relationship.It won't get better and is damaging both you and your DC.