How can I prove I am not lying about this

[Farfarfaraway]

No really a AIBU but painting for traffic

Tonight I sat down with my husband and said I was worried about us and he said so am I and he launched into a speal that I had made up I had been on the phone twice when my employer rung me about doing some extra hours and that he had checked my call and the calls did not match up to the times I was on the phone. I know why that is the clock on my phone is about 15 minutes fast so the calls showed up 15 minutes later but the calls where still there.

He also said received calls show up as red but all my calls recently received or not have shown up as black. Unfortunelty the calls also showed up as cancelled calls when I was on the phone for about 30 seconds. No idea why. But short of asking my employer to confirm she phoned me what can I do and I really don’t want to do that as it would be a really strange thing to ask her to ring or email my husband and confirmed she made the calls. I could also explain my phone time is fast but he would just say I had changed it to make it look fast.
I also had to ring 101 to phone the police a few days before as one of our “lovely” neighbours had a women in a head lock. He said I made that up as well. Again it is there in my call records.

I was diognosed with post traumatic stress syndrome and PND after I had my child 7 years ago due to a traumatic birth and I did lie about some hospital appointments being cancelled by the hospital as I was in a bad place and could not face them so I had cancelled them but I know he would be mad I did not attend so I lied. These appointment were not to do with the PTSD but with a health condition I have had for years that has not changed in years and I just could not face the hospital. I got a real fear of them. He found out and we nearly split up over it.

Since then I always feel I have been distrusted by him. Is still don’t think he had any idea what I went through. Part of my PTSD I am sure was him being a totally knob during the birth and not supporting me at all on what I wanted or needed.

He usually comes up with these things when I ask to have a chat because I am worried about us or his behaviour, he has a really short temper and has been throwing things round a lot and breaking things.

Not sure what to do

Yes my PTSD was diagnosed thank you I did not self diagnose anything
Also please check your settings on your I phone or ask someone with a i phone to check- it is possible to manually set the time as I said i don’t know if my little boy was playing with it and did it or what but it is 15 minutes fast
And yes missing my appointments (2 of them) did trigger my DH nearly leaving me. Why I don’t know but it did. He said my condition affected everyone not just me and it was my duty to do everything I could to get it better. Even though these appointments were routine and my condition had not changed in years

Omfg
Get rid
This relationship is TOXIC
Your poor wee son x

OP, firstly as others have said, you don't have to prove anything. Even if you did get confirmation from your employer he sounds the type who wouldn't believe it. You shouldn't stay with an abusive man because you have a disability. Look at what support is available to you if you were to live alone because this behaviour is toxic and your son is learning from it. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your child.

And FGS change the time setting on your phone!

He also said received calls show up as red but all my calls recently received or not have shown up as black.

What kind of phone do you have? On my iPhone only missed called show as read, outgoing calls and received calls that were answered all show as black. I’ve attached a bit of a screenshot from my call history, the top one is showing that my mum phoned me twice, middle one she phoned me but I didn’t pick up, bottom one with the outgoing call symbol by it means I phoned her.

You don’t need to prove anything to him you just need to leave him, he is abusive.

And yes on an iPhone you can choose to manually set the time, I’ve just checked

Sounds like going on the Freedom programme (run by Women's Aid) might be a good idea

You need to get farfaraway from him, not get more familiar with iphones so you can chat more about his monitoring of your interactions. Lying about christmas presents pales into insignificance against his suspicious, controlling behaviour - and presumably is explained by it anyway.

Yeah it sounds like you need to leave him op

Just tell him that it doesnt matter! I would never check my husbands call log?! Its werid. If he carrys on then he is going to drive you away. I wouldnt blame you for leaving either.

My husband doesn't have access to my phone. It is none of his business who I speak to.

He does not have access to my email. it is none if his business.

He does not have access to see/approve or disapprove of what I am spending. it is none of his business.

I do not need to prove I am telling the truth. It is up to him whether he believes what I say or not.

Being married does not give him the above controls. He trusts me and I have no issue with him looking at my phone, emails etc if he wants to but he doesn't ask to as he trusts me. Nor do I have to justify anything he could find as I am trust worthy.

What you describe is not a normal or equal relationship. You are being controlled and you are fearful you will upset him if you look at him wrong, can't justify a phone call, spend some money etc. This is not healthy for anyone and is not how most people live within a marriage. I would start getting my ducks in a row as there are many red flags here.

What a total c**t OP. The main focus of attention should be on you. You are the one that is struggling and suffering, he doesn't have to live through what you've had to. Obviously you either didn't feel well or the appointment was a trigger for you.

I don't know how you got married, maybe remind him of the part that states, he will be with you... in sickness and in health.

Back to the intrusion of privacy, change your passcode & passwords so he can't access things private to you. If he says, give me your phone, I know it's going to be really hard, say no. Say he's not helping you get any better, as you're constantly second guessing everything.

Check out the traits of narcissists, see how many boxes he ticks.

It is not normal behaviour to analyse someone’s phone to this extent, at all. The rest is irrelevant, it doesn’t matter what he thinks because you know this:

1. That it’s not ok to read somebodies phone
2. That it’s not ok to have a short temper and break things
3. That you can’t even have a conversation on your phone with work without someone who is meant to love and respect you making accusations.
4. That you’re struggling and getting no support
5. That your child should not be brought up in such a toxic environment believing your partners behaviour is normal when it really isn’t.

Op, I know it’s a scary aspect but please pick yourself up, pack up your and your sons belongings and get the hell out of there. This man doesn’t care about you, you are just his puppet. There are thousands of people out there who would be willing to give you the respect, love and care that we are all deserving of.

Stop writing comments about your phone, you haven’t done anything wrong, you don’t need to try and continuously justify this. Try to justify his behaviour instead of putting up with this.

Right fuck the phone. That was just a very effective way to get you on the back foot.

This is the conversation
OP we need to talk about us
H yes we do, you are a massive liar.
OP no but yeah but..................

Look for the gaps, for what is missing from the conversations, the things that people say in normal, loving, respectful, supportive relationships eg,
I love you
Are you OK
I want you to be happy
I'm sorry you feel that way
I will try harder
I'm here for you
I don't want to lose you
We will be OK

Can you see how none of this is present and that he has you in a vicious loop trying to prove to him you are worthy of him, meanwhile he does nothing for you?

OP, please don’t keep focusing on the phone, it doesn’t matter. Even if you proved you were telling the truth he would just pick something else.

Doesn’t matter what name you give it he’s playing mind games and appears to be very manipulative and controlling, can you not see that? Stop feeling guilty about previous lies, seems to be that the hospital one is completely understandable and I imagine you felt you had to lie over the Christmas one. Let the guilt go.

I'm afraid this is true op. Lying about the hospital is one thing, the presents another totally. I would distrust a partner who had previous..

He knows you are not lying
He is just deflecting because you want to talk but your relationship.
You are going to tell him you're jit happy with him. He gets in first to make you think that the fault is yours.
Its not.. leave him. Do not engage with the crazy

OP you're not in court. Your partner is not a barrister. You dont have to prove anything.

To me, it reads like you are sometimes scared of telling him the truth. Or you have some communication issues. As a result he doesnt trust you. But the things he doesnt trust you about or the lies that have caused issues in the past, have been about really unimportant things. I dont think there is an easy way back for you as a couple. It has got to the point where he is scrutinizing absolutely everything even stupid unimportant things about times of phone calls. It sounds obsessive and intrusive.

Even if you prove the phone calls were at certain times, do you really think he will trust you? He is looking for ways to catch you out and doesnt believe anything you say. It is exhausting.

You could try couples counselling? Otherwise I think you need to leave, you can't live like this

Run for the hills @Farfarfaraway. You'll never make him happy. What advice would you give your dc in 20 years time if they were in a similiar relationship. Freedom programme is great recommendation.

Erm 1) you dont have to prove anything.. if he doesn't want to believe you then, oh well for him. . And 2) he sounds beyond draining and awful to be with.. why are you bothering??

OP I agree with all of the others. This man is someone you need to get rid of, this behaviour is toxic and you have a responsibility to your DS as well as yourself.

Maybe as a first step work out the practical challenges of leaving. What are you afraid you won't manage? There are more possible solutions than you are likely to believe from a stressed out and vulnerable place.

First password your phone so he can't snoop. Second, forget trying to prove your innocence. It sounds as if he has his mind made up and nothing you could say or do would be enough to convince him. Forget asking your employer to confirm calls and emails; how embarrassing to have to say your partner is crazy jealous of your calls!

And most important of all, start planning to get out before it gets worse.

Unless you have form for lying then I don’t see why he is getting so annoyed, also, he needs to educate himself on phones because what he is saying is a load of crap for an iPhone at least. He does sound abusive and if you are scared of him that isn’t a good sign. If you can, try and leave him.

Have you posted about his not trusting you before? It was the PTSD that’s made me think so. If you are the same person, you really need to think carefully how this will progress as time moves on. I would be surprised if he’s tracking you in some way. Get the time changed on your phone then go from there.

Well as luck would have it. I had a follow up email from the police today from when I rung 101 that I showed him and I have even said I will go to my employer and ask her to confirm she phoned me. I ignored me both times so it’s really nothing to do with him thinking I was lying. It was a deflection technique when I tried to talk to him about us.

And I know this is drip feed but he has been lying to me about watching porn for years. He even once said he needed to watch porn before he made love to me to get in the mood.
I need to leave don’t I

YES. YOU DO.