How can I prove I am not lying about this

[Farfarfaraway]

No really a AIBU but painting for traffic

Tonight I sat down with my husband and said I was worried about us and he said so am I and he launched into a speal that I had made up I had been on the phone twice when my employer rung me about doing some extra hours and that he had checked my call and the calls did not match up to the times I was on the phone. I know why that is the clock on my phone is about 15 minutes fast so the calls showed up 15 minutes later but the calls where still there.

He also said received calls show up as red but all my calls recently received or not have shown up as black. Unfortunelty the calls also showed up as cancelled calls when I was on the phone for about 30 seconds. No idea why. But short of asking my employer to confirm she phoned me what can I do and I really don’t want to do that as it would be a really strange thing to ask her to ring or email my husband and confirmed she made the calls. I could also explain my phone time is fast but he would just say I had changed it to make it look fast.
I also had to ring 101 to phone the police a few days before as one of our “lovely” neighbours had a women in a head lock. He said I made that up as well. Again it is there in my call records.

I was diognosed with post traumatic stress syndrome and PND after I had my child 7 years ago due to a traumatic birth and I did lie about some hospital appointments being cancelled by the hospital as I was in a bad place and could not face them so I had cancelled them but I know he would be mad I did not attend so I lied. These appointment were not to do with the PTSD but with a health condition I have had for years that has not changed in years and I just could not face the hospital. I got a real fear of them. He found out and we nearly split up over it.

Since then I always feel I have been distrusted by him. Is still don’t think he had any idea what I went through. Part of my PTSD I am sure was him being a totally knob during the birth and not supporting me at all on what I wanted or needed.

He usually comes up with these things when I ask to have a chat because I am worried about us or his behaviour, he has a really short temper and has been throwing things round a lot and breaking things.

Not sure what to do

Remember your child is living with all this shit.
This,THIS is NOT normal by any stretch of the imagination.
He will get worse,this is the rest of your life,and your child will end up screwed up.
Get out

You said it yourself OP, all about deflection, I bet you spent so long defending yourself and trying to prove you were telling the truth that you never got to say why you are unhappy.

You're not on trial. He's not the cross examining barrister. You don't need to prove anything to him.

My x did this to me for years. I lived my life in the dock. So to speak.

He can accuse me of whatever he likes now. I won't waste breath setting him straight.

Dear OP, please take heed of the advice you're getting on this thread. The MN community hears you. Your husband doesn't want to listen and is actively trying to undermine you. You and your DC would be much, much better off without him. If you don't have friends or family near enough to help, do contact Women's Aid. From what you've told us, you are in exactly the kind of situation Women's Aid are there for. Best of luck!

OP you're missing the point entirely .. he is Gas lighting you .. you are being abused by this man. He is a controlling bullying PRICK.

So you want to talk to him about his behaviour but he deflects that by examining tiny details of your actions.
You want to buy ds presents but you will be in trouble for that.
He's not sounding like Mr Supportive.

He is preying on your vulnerability and his behaviour is abusive. I think for your own sake and the sake of your ds you need to start getting a plan together to end this relationship.

He has found your weak point and is ruthlessly using it against you. This is not a healthy relationship.

A loving, caring partner does not take his partner’ phone and check what calls have been made / received / times / lengths.
Not normal at all.
It’s none of his business!
Sounds as if he was just looking for a way of deflecting the conversation and making it look like it’s all your fault. It’s not, you know!

he says I glare at him a lot

So you can't even look right? That tells me everything I need to know about him OP, he is psychologically abusing you. If you need to prove it to yourself, next time he raises the 'glaring' ask him to point it out at the time you actually do it, on the pretext of needing it pointed out so you can stop it. I guarantee he won't be able to, not once, because in the moment you will know you're not doing it and he won't be able to gaslight you that you did.

He brings it up at abstract times because he knows you can't prove you didn't do it after the event, insist he tells you there and then and I doubt you'll ever hear that one again. Of course he will just find something else you're apparently doing to 'make him angry' instead but that's just further proof that this isn't you, it's 100% him.

You will need to leave, he won't get better, only worse but no doubt that will take time. You need time to get your head around the fact that he is abusive, and then time to get yourself sorted so you can end things safely. Men like him don't give up their control over you easily so you will need to be careful and protect yourself while you make plans.

OP it is not up to you to prove you did not lie.You know and that is enough,If he has no faith or trust or respect of you then he has nothing to say about anything.If he cannot distinguish what kind of person you are then he is not the man for you under any circumstances.Your marriage appears to lack the basic moral elements that make it function as it should.The buck stops with him and his vision of you as an individual as a wife as a mother.This problem stops and starts with him and it is his to solve should he wish to ....He is not the man you thought him to be ...how can he be?

@Farfarfaraway I made an account just to tell you that your husband is a narcissist and will never ever change, ever. I was the father of my kids and partner of 20 years is a narc, I finally kicked him out 15 years ago and I still haven't recovered mentally. I have severe anxiety, depression and symptoms of PTSD....he broke me mentally and I am not alone, people the world over suffer years of mental abuse at the hands of a narc. And sadly there is nothing you can do, even if they can admit to being and they will struggle greatly to change anything....some people claim it's a mental illness, I disagree, its a personality trait just like being nosy, shy a joker....people cannot change these things.
You are most definitely being gaslighted, I still at times believe I am stupid, crazy, that I do and say things then forget about them. He is trying to convince you that those phone calls were a thing of your imagination, or possibly you're making it up to hide something, narcs will often accuse you of having an affair.... mine did, I never went near another man, I am also not stupid or crazy, a little bit scatterbrained but nowhere near to the extent my ex manipulated me into believing...and that what it is, years of control and manipulation in small unnoticeable ways until they break you, narcs often leave a relationship once that happens. They lose interest as there is nothing to control anymore, they nearly always start a new relationship very quickly and start it all again.
You are in an abusive relationship, it is no less abusive than if he was beating you up, his short temper could easily lead to violence tho. Mental abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, in fact I will say at times it can actually be worse....more than once I have felt that if he had hit me it would have been over with and that seemed preferable to living with a man who refused to talk to me for 3 weeks because I hadn't paired his socks or he had decided I had been lying to him. He once decided I was having an affair based on some perfume my mum bought me, it was actually the male version but I really liked it....he decided in his head that I was seeing another man when I said I was at my mums' and this other man wore that aftershave and I wanted it to disguise his smell....he was downright fucking crazy. I had 2 kids under 5 at this point and was never without at least one of them all day every day. have a read of this article, if you can tick more than 5 boxes the best thing you can do is get out...treat it as you would a violent relationship. I could probably give you a textbook response if you kicked him out, or left him but please do some research, you will find textbook ways they act and respond to situations and you will definitely recognise lots of stuff. Learn about it, knowledge is power....if you can't or won't leave then at least learn to play him at his own game. Good luck

You’ve lied on multiple occasions and now he doesn’t trust you and you’re sad about that.

This is really unhealthy.

meccacos
Did you miss the bit about PTSD ?

Well said dreadwitch. Op, everything you have written sounds unhealthy, this won’t get better, you need to make plans to be without this man

Not that I think this will help your relationship problems because you seem to have a lack of trust between you and that won’t just go away by proving anything but it should be pretty easy to prove the time discrepancy by comparing a previous phone call between the two of you on each of your phones. If your phone is off by 15 minutes and his is right it will show on your phone at a time that is 15 minutes different from he time on his phone.

Please contact Women's Aid, or talk to any health care professionals, friends or family. This man is abusive and potentially dangerous and you need to get him out of the house. Obviously you can't do it overnight but you need to get yourself some support and help, because he is not trustrworthy and does not have your best interests at heart.

You’ve lied on multiple occasions and now he doesn’t trust you and you’re sad about that

Frankly anyone would lie with such a partner. I always think that lies are the stuff of unfree people. If you are free, you can tell the truth and shame the devil, but children with authoritarian parents and people like the OP have to lie to survive.

So the times you have lied we’re because you were worried about your husband’s reaction. Did you end up addressing the reason why YOU are unhappy in the relationship or did he just deflect everything back into you?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude

Did you miss the bit about PTSD ?

I read that, I also read the drip feed wherein the OP mentioned she had lied about buying presents for her son and then telling her husband they were free.

That’s what I was commenting on.

The cancelling an appointment at the hospital shouldn’t trigger an inquisition so heavy it almost results in the breakdown of a relationship.

But in the context of her lying (about other things) and her husband now accusing her of lying over something so stupid and insignificant this time - then that is very very unhealthy.

The weird thing is, what’s the big deal about cancelling an appointment you don’t want to go to?

But what is the big deal lying about spending money, saying it was free and then your husband finding evidence it wasn’t? - you can’t claim PTSD about that.

Further, was this PTSD self diagnosed or did the OP really just not want to go to hospital?

Because PTSD isn’t just normal anxiety. It’s serious.

Coyoacan

Frankly anyone would lie with such a partner.

But the lies also make the relationship unhealthy.

Now every time something happens, he doesn’t believe her. Even insignificant things, such as conversations with her boss.

Or her phone being 15 minutes fast or 15 minutes slow I didn’t but that either.

The thing is, mobile phones are set to time zones, so I don’t understand how her mobile is lagging 15 minutes behind.

If my partner told me he spoke with his boss and I could find no evidence of it and then I checked his phone and there was a cancelled call 15 minutes later (being a time after we had the argument about him lying), then I wouldn’t buy his argument that the phone time was wrong in his phone.

Because technology doesn’t work like that.

iPhones and android phones are set to time zones.

And if the OP wanted to demonstrate a glitch in her phone, wouldn’t she just tell her husband to call her and then show the phone call didn’t display at all for 15 minutes? ....it would show the call cancelling though

But I wouldn’t accuse my partner of lying unless he had form for it in the past and by the OP’s own admission - she’s lied in the past.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's so annoying.

DH is a man who seems to have a rule book for me, then a separate one for himself. I told a couple of trivial lies, when he gets mardy he goes on about how I told those daft white lies and how it affects trust. They were honestly really trivial. I think one was an omission, which I don't see as being an issue, as it was to save face.

I'm sorry to say it does sound controlling, if he's checking your phone, to tally up when you've spoke to others.

I haven't read the full thread but will. I'd suggest counselling maybe, firstly to see if they can help the PTSD, secondly joint sessions so maybe DH understands more.

I'm really sorry you have this to deal with on top of everything else.

I read all your messages, it does really sound like he's taking stuff out on you, which is wholly unfair. I also have a DH who never does anything wrong, though keeps a tally of others misdemeanours.

It really is NONE of his business who you talk to, the level of intrusion into what should be your private life, is really controlling and wrong. Checking emails, calls, your phone in general. It sounds like he's looking for reasons or excuses when there is none.

You need to love yourself and gain confidence in yourself, something I guess you struggle with, having someone prying so much. Just because you are disabled, really doesn't mean you should stay with someone, in fear of being single.

I would suggest therapy, so hopefully you can see, you are worth more than this. Hopefully you'll gain the confidence needed to have faith, that at some point you will meet the man of your dreams.

Many say we are quick to say leave, I've never advocated that before, it just worried me that this level of intrusion, is the start of something worse. Please message me if you ever need to talk.

@Farfarfaraway - with every post you make, he sounds worse and worse.

This is all very abusive and won't change. It will get worse as his paranoia increases.

You have a decision to make stay or go. If you choose to stay then you need to come to terms with the fact that this is how life will be. If you decide you don't want this life, then we can help you leave.

@Dreadwitch - did you post the article that you mentioned?