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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to rage at this comments? Young mum

90 replies

YDraig · 27/09/2019 20:28

I got pregnant at 16 with my DD, I had her at 17 and am now 19. I know, it wasn’t ideal but I have done the best I can.

I have my own (rented) flat, work full time “ish” (32hrs contracted, overtime when I can) and have worked since she was 7 months old. I’m also doing at home courses whenever I can fit them in in hopes of becoming an accountant and also want to buy my own home which I’m steadily saving for but I admit I live in a v cheap part of the country.

I was raised in poverty and don’t want a repeat of that is the long and short of it.

However people regularly make comments
“Bet you don’t work” complete with screwed up face.
“Just another silly child having a child.”
“Bet you don’t even know who her dad is!” Shock
“My taxes pay for you”
“Why would you wreck your life like that?”
I’ve even had people straight up tell me I should have had an abortion which tbh is just pure nastiness (fair do’s if you’d do so in 16yo me’s position but you can’t abort a 2yo so it’s irrelevant now.)

Obviously there are supportive ones as well, and loads just mind their business; this is not everyday I don’t want to come across as over exaggerating but in what way is this ok?

Pretty sure I’m not being U but wanted to vent mostly after a nasty comment earlier.

OP posts:
Original poster
YDraig · 27/09/2019 20:28

Sorry I’ve done a long shift today. These comments* not this Blush

OP posts:
IncrediblyHangry · 27/09/2019 20:30

Yanbu. You're an adult and you're paying your way. Hold your head up, you've nothing to be ashamed of.

Reythemamajedi · 27/09/2019 20:31

You sound like you're doing an amazing job and you should be proud of what you've accomplished so far. Just ignore the haters and live your life

LordNibbler · 27/09/2019 20:31

You're a mum, get used to it. There will always be something 'wrong' with you, or how you do something. And some people are just horrible bullies. Don't take it personally, it's not you, it's them.
And I was a young mum, 16, so I do understand.

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2019 20:31

Sounds like you're doing a brilliant job.

Hard, but ignore them.

BarbariansMum · 27/09/2019 20:32

Who are these people who say such things to you? Shock

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/09/2019 20:32

You sound like you hang around the wr9ng people - I hope none of these commentators are your friends and family? If so you need to cut them out now.

StripyHorse · 27/09/2019 20:32

Of course YANBU. People can be shit. It's none of their business, and you seem to be doing what you can to build a great life for you and your DC. When they make these comments try to ignore the mean intention and feel proud that your are defying the stereotype; they can do one and take their prejudices with them.

imnotinthemood · 27/09/2019 20:32

I also had a child young late teens I'm now in my 40s so dc is in his 20s . Even now I get surprised gosh you have a child that old . I've also worked since school so never claimed benefits. You learn to shrug it off people are judgmental but at the same time I hope I've changed people's opinions that not to always judge .

Passthecherrycoke · 27/09/2019 20:33

wtf? Who says things like that to you?

StockTakeFucks · 27/09/2019 20:33

There is a stigma that surrounds young mums, there's no denying that. There's also no denying that no one wants that for their kid, because it's hard work at any age, I barely coped at 26 so kudos to you for doing so amazingly well at 17 and even more so now.

The thing is, you know the truth, you know yourself, your plans and how hard you work. You know what a good life you're providing for your DD and are planning for the futures. They don't, and frankly don't matter either.

Keep your head high, keep going. As tempting as a snarky reply is, the best retort is you actually having a good,happy ,fulfilling life. (And a muttered fuck off you twat)

mbosnz · 27/09/2019 20:34

You are doing incredibly well.

They are incredibly rude, and obviously a little hard of thinking.

I suspect you will far outstrip them in terms of what you achieve in life.

jacketpotatos · 27/09/2019 20:34

I had my DD at 29 when I had bought a house and had my career sorted already ... And it brought me to my knees.

So fair play to you, you sound brilliant and like you're doing an amazing job.

I can't believe people are so rude though, what the actual?!

Interestedwoman · 27/09/2019 20:34

That is just bizarre if people are saying these things to you personally OP, when it's just not accurate. You're right that in general there's a lot of prejudice against young single mums.

Original poster
YDraig · 27/09/2019 20:37

Not my family at all, among the commenters...
someone who works in a shop across from where I live (“why would you wreck your life”)
A mum at the nursery my DD has just started attending, an ex friend and a random woman in a charity shop (who may’ve just been batshit I concede) complete strangers have been known to comment as well.

Obviously as I say there are positive commenters too and people who say nothing at all about it/don’t care which is fab as well, I probably get a 3-4 comments every month it’s not everyday but after a while it can be a hard pill to swallow.

OP posts:
YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 27/09/2019 20:38

For some reason people think mothers are fair game to judge. The same acquaintance who criticised me for being a sahm, had a go at one of our mutual friends for working too many hours and ‘putting her career goals ahead’ of her daughter.
Another mum at a playgroup I go to is regularly judged for being too old (she was 38 when her daughter was born).

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job, just ignore all the idiots who want to put their 2pence in. Unfortunately there’s a lot of them!

sandyfoot · 27/09/2019 20:40

It sounds like you are doing a great job of making a good life for you and your DC. There isn't one of us that does everything right, don't let judgey bastards get you down.

starfishcoffee · 27/09/2019 20:43

I can sympathise with this, I'm a young mum too. When DS was 8 months he had a stomach bug, so I took him to the GP. The doctor said to me "are you sure you didn't give him old milk? it would upset his stomach you know." Suggesting that I was negligent enough to give my child old milk was just totally uncalled for - and completely irrelevant as DS is breastfed.Confused

Csleeptime · 27/09/2019 20:44

If it helps I'm 35 with two toddlers and I get comments about how I'm doing everything wrong with them all the time. What ever age, whatever you do, someone will feel they deserve to criticise. It's people, people are shit. Take the moral high ground, don't respond, you know better, that's all that matter. You love and look after your kid, that's all that matters, and on top you are building a good life. Well done, it's hard work!

DurhamDurham · 27/09/2019 20:48

Our daughter had a baby while at uni, she went on to complete her degree and is now a nurse. She can honestly say she hasn't had any negative comments, it's been a struggle at times but she said when it's mentioned at all it's to say what a good jobs she's doing at work and with her baby

PhilSwagielka · 27/09/2019 20:52

YANBU, you're at least trying to provide for your kid and make something of your life.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/09/2019 20:52

And it never ends. I look young for my age and I can't tell you how many people I have seen mentally calculate how old I must have been when I had my first child when I tell them I have a 28-year-old son. And I didn't even have him in my teens. You're doing great, ignore all the crap.

Mermaidoutofwater · 27/09/2019 20:54

Prove them all wrong then? Focus on getting to university and training for a career. Being a young mum isn’t the end of the world but it makes some things a lot harder. The stereotypes of benefits etc aren’t completely without basis, which is not to say that it is fair to look down on anyone who claims them.

rosierose1 · 27/09/2019 20:55

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job! There's plenty of people out there who have had children young and go on to achieve great things and build a good life for there children, but unfortunately there is still small minded people out there who don't see that.

2ellenor2 · 27/09/2019 20:56

I’m 19 too, very similar situation
I get the comments all the time, especially at baby groups. People assume im a chav because I had a child going