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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to rage at this comments? Young mum

90 replies

YDraig · 27/09/2019 20:28

I got pregnant at 16 with my DD, I had her at 17 and am now 19. I know, it wasn’t ideal but I have done the best I can.

I have my own (rented) flat, work full time “ish” (32hrs contracted, overtime when I can) and have worked since she was 7 months old. I’m also doing at home courses whenever I can fit them in in hopes of becoming an accountant and also want to buy my own home which I’m steadily saving for but I admit I live in a v cheap part of the country.

I was raised in poverty and don’t want a repeat of that is the long and short of it.

However people regularly make comments
“Bet you don’t work” complete with screwed up face.
“Just another silly child having a child.”
“Bet you don’t even know who her dad is!” Shock
“My taxes pay for you”
“Why would you wreck your life like that?”
I’ve even had people straight up tell me I should have had an abortion which tbh is just pure nastiness (fair do’s if you’d do so in 16yo me’s position but you can’t abort a 2yo so it’s irrelevant now.)

Obviously there are supportive ones as well, and loads just mind their business; this is not everyday I don’t want to come across as over exaggerating but in what way is this ok?

Pretty sure I’m not being U but wanted to vent mostly after a nasty comment earlier.

OP posts:
Tiresiasmum · 27/09/2019 20:58

There's alot of prejudice against young mothers and it's totally unfounded. I remember when I was a young single mother aged 23 dashing off to work on an apprenticeship having already taken my son to nursery hearing these elderly women on the bus talk abiot 'single mothers spending everyone's money drinking and smoking and watching telly all day' and as I walked past I calmly said 'Actually I'm one of those young single mothers you're talking about, and I don't drink or smoke. I look after my son and do lots in this community, and I certainly don't waste my time gossiping loudly in a bigoted way on a bus' and walked off with my head held high. Their jaws dropped and one said sorry in a bit of a feeble way. keep doing as you're doing! There's loads of positives to young mothers and being a young mum.

UserFriendly14 · 27/09/2019 20:58

Came to say something similar to Csleeptime but that's been pujt perfectly. You'll get criticised at any age, just for being a mother.

Just know you're doing an amazing job and hold your head high.

smileylottie87 · 27/09/2019 21:00

I can't believe people say things like this, it so rude and unnecessary. You sound like you're doing an amazing job OP, don't listen to these silly tossers, you're doing amazingly for your DD. Don't give these nasty people your time or energy and carry on achieving. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 27/09/2019 21:02

I was treated like an idiot by doctors etc when I had DS1 at 22. DH and I had a 'shotgun' wedding when I was 5m preg as I didn't want having a different surname to add to it all. Hmm

We went on to have 3 more and I will be 44 when my youngest is 18 so I feel I'll have the last laugh Grin

berlinbabylon · 27/09/2019 21:04

Whatever mums do they are wrong. Ignore the rude comments. If it wasn't your age they'd find something else to criticise!

stucknoue · 27/09/2019 21:06

You are doing well, you are trying to better yourself. Unfortunately there are people out there who have kids and rely on benefits as a lifestyle choice and it gives young parents a bad name. DD's classmates have several kids between them, I just hope they are like you OP

Hadtonamechangeforthis123 · 27/09/2019 21:16

OP - You need to grow a thicker skin and care less about what other people think.

I say this as a woman who had her first child at 42, second at 43 and third at 45 :) you can imagine the comments I've received..."You must be mad!", "People will think you're the grandparent at the school gate" "Why would you have a baby in your forties you should be winding down", and the best one was from a midwife who said 'Im the same age as you and I couldn't think of anything worse!" Fortunately I adore my children, have bags of energy and everyone tends to think Im mid 30's rather than 40's so I honestly don't give a monkeys bum what other people think.

Have a good life OP and prove them all wrong.

Drogosnextwife · 27/09/2019 21:17

I am stunned that people actually say these things to your face! I had my ds at the same age and did it one, no one has ever said anything like that to me, probay behind my back, but not to my face. Just give a little laugh if anyone says anything to you again and walk away.

Drogosnextwife · 27/09/2019 21:18

Did it alone, not did it one. As in his dad fucked off.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 27/09/2019 21:20

Oh love, you're doing brilliantly. I was utterly wrecked with two DC when I was 28, can't actually think how I managed anything (hint: I didn't manage anything)
My mum had very, very similar comments when she was an unmarried 20yo and had my brother in the 1970s. Really, really nasty stuff, just as you've described. It says an awful lot more about them than it does about you. How the fuck is is any of their business? Flowers

Whyisshedoingit · 27/09/2019 21:27

I'm a disabled single Mum and because of my health I cannot work at all. You should hear the comments I get......

One of the worst yet, was in a supermarket at the till. This older lady was with her husband and when she heard me make a joke about us single mums being strong (I knew the till operator) this lady called out loudly "AND WHERE'S THE FATHER?!?!" (and looked really proud of herself for saying it too)

Forgive me, but I responded with "He's dead!!!!" and walked off (he may well be dead for all she knew? Plus DD's Dad deserves zero respect).

No apology was forthcoming.

Oh and before anyone tries asking what her age has to do with anything - It's relevant because in my personal experience it's always the older generation. The younger ones are so accepting. Again, this is my PERSONAL experience.

Nomorepies · 27/09/2019 21:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

ThatCurlyGirl · 27/09/2019 21:38

YANBU.

But remember that people that cuntish tend to find something to be a dick about to everyone they meet. Try not to take it to heart.

FWIW you sound pretty impressive! Hold your head high, us non cunts think you're doing well Thanks

BalooTheBearr · 27/09/2019 21:39

I had a baby when i was 16. Single mum at 17 and studied and worked really hard now more than 15 years later here i am in a lovely house in a lovely area with a DH and more DC and a really good paying job. I love bumping into people that said those things about me now. Gives me a proper little giggle.

Rise above it OP because one day you can look back and laugh in their faces.

Beeziekn33ze · 27/09/2019 21:40

You’re doing fine, don’t let them get you down, they’re just nasty.

Lilymossflower · 27/09/2019 21:46

I think its absolutely horrid that people say that to you and other young mothers

Its just crazy

Like that people feel entitled to be horrible and nasty to a young mother doing an amazing job raising a child

Its beyond me truly

I could even get political and say Its a reflection if how our society does not respect mothers or women In general and does not respect or recognise the work we do in selflessly sustaining the human race.

And how its only acceptable to have childeren within certain age brackets is another reflection if how the patriarchy wants us to control our bodies

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 21:47

Whyisshedoingit well, I'm certainly older generation, being in my 60s and I have 3 DC by 3 different men - and I only married one of them! Grin

Wehttam · 27/09/2019 21:48

Well kiddo take my advice and pay them no attention. Keep doing what you’re doing.

NameChange84 · 27/09/2019 21:55

Honestly at 19 you sound far more together than I am at 35...you should be extremely proud of yourself. How awful that people say these things to you and, presumably within earshot of your daughter. Just because they wouldn't have been able to do what you have as teenagers they have no right to judge you. Fair play to you for doing everything you have for you and your child. You are an inspiration. You will have the last laugh.

EatsFartsAndLeaves · 27/09/2019 21:56

I'm sorry this happens to you, its shit.

You could maybe try

"That's very rude, keep your opinions to yourself please"

"What makes you think it's ok to say that? It's not."

"None of your business thanks"

june2007 · 27/09/2019 22:00

Ignore the doubters. You are proving you go this. If your a single mumm you get attacked, if your too old you get attacked if your a working mum, a stay at home mum ect,ect. (or dad)

IdblowJonSnow · 27/09/2019 22:05

They are either envious or just ignorant and rude.
Crack on as you are, you sound brilliant. Lucky child to have you as a mum.

recklessruby · 27/09/2019 22:06

Stay strong and believe in yourself. You're doing a great job and its not easy.
I had ds at 19 and looked 15 so got plenty of comments. Like you I worked.
He s now 31 and dd is 25 and we have a lovely relationship. They are glad i had them young and now we all go out together as they are friends as well as dc.
I was told i was too irresponsible and couldn't even look after myself so how would i cope with a baby? And the kids having kids comment is SO annoying I agree!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 27/09/2019 22:08

I could even get political and say Its a reflection if how our society does not respect mothers or women In general and does not respect or recognise the work we do in selflessly sustaining the human race

@Lilymossflower nails it

Poppyfields21 · 27/09/2019 22:13

Anyone saying those things is incredibly rude! Don’t waste your time on them. It sounds like you’re doing a good job and balancing a lot of plates.