Aibu to rage at this comments? Young mum

[YDraig]

I got pregnant at 16 with my DD, I had her at 17 and am now 19. I know, it wasn’t ideal but I have done the best I can.

I have my own (rented) flat, work full time “ish” (32hrs contracted, overtime when I can) and have worked since she was 7 months old. I’m also doing at home courses whenever I can fit them in in hopes of becoming an accountant and also want to buy my own home which I’m steadily saving for but I admit I live in a v cheap part of the country.

I was raised in poverty and don’t want a repeat of that is the long and short of it.

However people regularly make comments
“Bet you don’t work” complete with screwed up face.
“Just another silly child having a child.”
“Bet you don’t even know who her dad is!”
“My taxes pay for you”
“Why would you wreck your life like that?”
I’ve even had people straight up tell me I should have had an abortion which tbh is just pure nastiness (fair do’s if you’d do so in 16yo me’s position but you can’t abort a 2yo so it’s irrelevant now.)

Obviously there are supportive ones as well, and loads just mind their business; this is not everyday I don’t want to come across as over exaggerating but in what way is this ok?

Pretty sure I’m not being U but wanted to vent mostly after a nasty comment earlier.

thing is, you're proving them wrong
and people will criticise whatever
I had 3 kids after a degree, a PGCE and a postgrad degree- got told the money spent on my education had been wasted !!

Who on earth are these people and why do you know them?! If they’re not family, ditch them asap. If they are family, consider ditching them.

It sounds like you’re doing amazingly. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. When people spout this nonsense, walk away. You’ve had a child at a perfectly normal time, biologically, you just happen to have done so at a time when our culture has gone very weird and is pressuring women to give birth insanely late. In Romeo & Juliet, Juliet is fourteen, and one of the characters points out “younger than her are happy mothers made.”

Don't worry, OP, you're doing an amazing job and these people are rude twats. I could understand if these things would be said by some family member (not that I think it's a right thing to do, of course), but by complete strangers... Baffling. They should mind their own goddarn business.

However, I can fully believe it. I got sneered at by a GP of all people, for being 'so young' to have a child (it was said in a negative way). Funny thing is, I was 24! Not THAT young.

I had a schoolmate, same situation as yours. Had a boyfriend, got pregnant at 16 or 17. Many people were judging her and saying that her boyfriend would dump her, she'll quit school, won't achieve anything and her life will be shit. And she proved them completely wrong! Last I heard about her, she was still with the same man, finished school, they have a house and run their own family business, so doing just great! And you will too, I'm sure :).

I was 22 when I had dd, and looked younger. Not a stealth boast but I genuinely didn't need either to work or claim anything. I found endless amusement watching people trying to figure me out. On the one hand they had their preconceived stereotype, but speaking rp tended to confuse them.

One stuck up bitch that used to attend a baby group was constantly either fishing for info or making loaded comments. Not helped by the fact I refused to provide my financial arrangements for her approval, and I've never been a style icon, so she assumed I was living on her (incidentally none existent) taxes. I nearly always walked as it was nearby. She was talking about car shopping the one day I had driven due to heavy rain, and as usual made a barbed comment about how insensitive she was when I didn't even have a car, but not to worry because when I was back at work and saved up there were reliable old runabouts around. Obviously as an older sahm on tax credits she was contributing to society, unlike young single parents.

I will never forget the look on her face when we were leaving later, and she realised which car was mine. I've genuinely never been boastful or materialistic but I got such a kick from seeing her and her nasty assumptions crushed. It possibly wasn't necessary to have added the advice to drive carefully because cheap used runarounds aren't ideal on wet rural roads. Or the encouragement that she shouldn't feel bad because if she got a job and worked hard she could one day afford a less basic model of used car. But I thought it was deserved because there's no way I was the only young mum she'd judged in her life, and I just happened to have the luck to thoroughly beat her at her own game.

YANBU. Good on for you being so driven. I am degree educated and got it before I had DS. I was 8 years older than you but I thought having DS would be the making of me and give me more drive and motivation in my FE courses... It hasn't....

I agree that young mums certainly receive a lot of criticism but mums of every age do. You'll find once you have one, people think you value their child-rearing views.

A lot of it's misogyny, the type of comments you are receiving. What about the "fathers" who leave women in this situation? But no, let's make the women who are actually trying to raise their children feel bad instead.

You’re doing a great job. They sounds like judgemental idiots. Wish you all the best and please keep up all the good work and be a fab role model for your child

Oh, and training to be an accountant sounds like a great idea. I know severa accountants who were young parents but worked and trained while having young kids; but doing very well financially now they are older

Outrageous that people not just make those assumptions, but are nasty enough to voice them!

Having done accountancy and being in the middle of bringing up a baby with a supportive husband and many advantages, I can only admire what you manage.

You sound like you’re doing a terrific job. I’d cheerlead for you if I could, but I’m fat, uncoordinated, middle-aged and lazy and this is online, so the comment will have to suffice ;)

I had my babies simultaneously - twins - nothing prepared me for the public interest and (sometimes) officious unsolicited advice! I also remember one of our antenatal group and afterwards mother and baby group was a teenage mother and she got soooo exasperated with the patronising 'advice'. We've stayed friends, she's now on the horrible bit where some of the children are in secondary but others are in primary. Two different primaries ... with very mutually exclusive times and dates grrrhh! It all levels out going forward.

You're doing a grand job. Hold your head high, be proud of yourself and your dc, and fuck the lot of them!

Concentrate on you. Who cares about what those silly others think. You’re doing great, keep doing it.

@DurhamDurham I’m sure that must make the OP feel loads better.

You don't deserve to have people to be rude to you like that.
Depending on how you wish to respond, you could go with one of three options.

1. Ignore
2. Reply with either, "interesting" or MN classic "Did you mean to be so rude"
3. Reply with, "You know what that sounds like? It sounds like none of your business."

It is disgusting what people are saying to you, but i think it's the kind of thing they are used to saying because it is often the case that anyone who gets pregnant young doesn't do well and they say it as a throw away comment, tarring people all with the same brush,because it's what they expect someone unmarried with a young child to be like
Take no notice it could be a bit of jealousy too, i bet some of these people haven't done too well for themselves

Oh and before anyone tries asking what her age has to do with anything - It's relevant because in my personal experience it's always the older generation

As a member of the older generation I apologise. I've always thought that there is a lot of benefit to having a young mother.

Hands up, a few years ago I totally (silently!) judged "slaggy teenage mums" for "ruining their lives" but becoming a mum myself has completely changed that. Fuck me, you guys are actually amazing. Seriously I couldn't look after myself at that age, to manage a baby, home, study and work, by yourself, with all the hurdles that the circumstances throws in your way is just completely unparalleled. A few of my friends revealed similar epiphanies. We all now think young mums completely boss it. Perspective is wonderful and hindsight is 20:20 😬

Some people always have something to say.
Rude sods.
At least you will be bringing your daughter up with better manners than these people have.
I had my son at 23, I look younger.
Most people were kind and supportive. Quite a few older people, complete strangers, gave me coins for his money box when he was tiny, or looked in the pram, made the usual lovely comments about the new baby.
One older lady told me "you girls are getting younger and younger having babies."
I casually informed her that actually the average age for first time mothers is rising and in any case I'm 24. The perfect age biologically at least.
Another person was surprised to learn I hadn't been given a free house. Haha.i wish.
Be proud of yourself, you're doing a fantastic job by the sounds of it.

I had my son at 19 and although I didn’t experience any outright nastiness or people being overtly judgemental, I did find so many people made automatic assumptions about me being single, not being in employment, living in social housing- not that there is anything wrong with that at all, just strange to assume these things!

You're a mum, get used to it. There will always be something 'wrong' with you, or how you do something

This is all that needs to be said on the matter. Every mum is treated this way. It's bullshit but I'm not really sure what one can do to stop it, so I just ignore it. If I was braver I would tell people to fuck off. Perhaps you are braver than I am?

How horrible! Try to ignore the rude idiots and carry on with what you're doing. Plenty of things happen in life to all of us that are, on paper, less than ideal - it's how you deal with it that's important, and you are dealing with being a young mum admirably. You are building a life for you and your daughter and you are setting her a great example.

Some people make themselves feel better about themselves by looking down their noses at others - the problem is theirs. They're negative, miserable people you wouldn't want to know, anyway!

Sounds like your doing an amazing job and really have your head screwed on

Thats awful.

Dont take criticism from someone you wouldn't ask advice from.

Just laugh and walk away.

Tell them to f/off and mind your own .
Your clearly doing a great parenting job and your answerable to no stupid ignorant twats.

next time tell em that you are actually 35 but drink this (random shit) and would they like some. you could make a killing ;)

OP - I became a single parent at the age of 38 when my husband walked out for the OW. I am still single some 12 years later. I work hard, really hard, and receive no maintenance from my ex.

From the woman who literally sniffed ‘I suppose we’re paying for you to live here’ at my (owned outright) slightly bigger than average for the area semi, to the one who told me she would love to be a teacher like me ‘only I can’t, because I have a husband’, I have heard it all. Been asked if my children have the same father, if I’m educated, if I finished school (had my first child at 33!), stage whispered comments in my ear shot about ‘so many uncles’ (my crime on that ocassion was to be stopped during the day at half term having a drink with my (male) cousin), comments about ‘oh all single parents are on benefits’ and ‘single mum’s benefits’ and on once my eldest child was referred to as ‘single mum, benefit scum’ in the playground. People seem to feel it’s fine to overtly comment on everything and anything from my car, my job, my shoes, my haircut....And several husbands have literally been pulled away from me in the playground (I am overweight, middle aged, no threat, believe me!).

I have developed a thick skin and now respond to the rudeness with the same question and and a belligerent answer. How can you afford that? gets the response how can you afford your car/haircut/shoes? And if I’m feeling particularly wicked, I look ‘em in the eye and mention cam work in my spare time. And I smile. It’s a wonder Social Services aren’t knocking on my door!

I figure I’m doing OK because people seem to have a need for it to be the opposite. They want to put me down and have me put in a lesser place to them because it confirms social order and standing. I’m supposed to be struggling and miserable and they are supposed to feel superior but when the single mum has a new car on her own driveway, something has shifted and it makes people insecure and hence the need to prove their superiority. So they get rude. Take the shit as a compliment. You’re doing a grand job and it scares the lesser mortals who have fixed views on who should have and do what.