Aibu to rage at this comments? Young mum

[YDraig]

I got pregnant at 16 with my DD, I had her at 17 and am now 19. I know, it wasn’t ideal but I have done the best I can.

I have my own (rented) flat, work full time “ish” (32hrs contracted, overtime when I can) and have worked since she was 7 months old. I’m also doing at home courses whenever I can fit them in in hopes of becoming an accountant and also want to buy my own home which I’m steadily saving for but I admit I live in a v cheap part of the country.

I was raised in poverty and don’t want a repeat of that is the long and short of it.

However people regularly make comments
“Bet you don’t work” complete with screwed up face.
“Just another silly child having a child.”
“Bet you don’t even know who her dad is!”
“My taxes pay for you”
“Why would you wreck your life like that?”
I’ve even had people straight up tell me I should have had an abortion which tbh is just pure nastiness (fair do’s if you’d do so in 16yo me’s position but you can’t abort a 2yo so it’s irrelevant now.)

Obviously there are supportive ones as well, and loads just mind their business; this is not everyday I don’t want to come across as over exaggerating but in what way is this ok?

Pretty sure I’m not being U but wanted to vent mostly after a nasty comment earlier.

coyoacan ime it wasn't the older generation. Broadly speaking they were more likely to consider young mums the norm as opposed to the more recent trend for starting families later. My negative experiences were more with older mothers of young dc. Or my age group, where a minority seemed to resent me socialising. Because of course, they were living in shared houses and paying off student loans, and they assumed I must be claiming the mythical single parent benefits and their hard earned taxes shouldn't be supplying me enough money to ever be in a bar or club.

i’m sorry that you have to listen to things like that 🙁 i had my son at 15 and i have never had anyone comment negatively on it. (to my face at least!) maybe i’m just lucky. you sound like you’re doing brilliantly for yourself and your child.

Of course you are not unreasonable to be upset by these comments.

So many, many people think women are fair game when it comes to personal comments on...well anything really.

It is astonishing that strangers think it ok to comment upon a woman’s fertility, her hair, her size, whether she is smiling or not. But every day this happens to some women. Women who have the audacity not to conform to the perceptions of ‘normal’ are particularly vulnerable. And sadly comments are as likely from other women as from men.

I had my 3rd child when I was 44 (so at the other end of the spectrum from you OP). He is now 8. I am now pretty much immune to remarks about my being a old mum. Or, funnily, similar comments to yours that I’ve ‘ruined my life’.

You are doing a great job it would seem. So am I. I think (hope). It really doesn’t matter what others think. Though I entirely get that it can grate at times.

In time you’ll prove them wrong, that will take years, but do it for you not them.
When your child goes to school and they are a kind, polite little thing people start to realise.
I was a relatively young mum, I can remember feeling judged. My eldest is 14 and when they tell me how polite and hardworking she is, I think see I did good. She’s got her head screwed on, she’s happy, she didn’t have everything, but she feels safe, secure and happy. And not having everything means she appreciates what she has and she’s a lucky girl in my eyes.
Being a parent means playing the long game. Put in the work now and you will reap the benefits.
Your child will see how hard you’ve worked in the future and what a fantastic role model you are!
Believe me, you are doing great, just remember that.
Age means nothing when bringing up children. Believe me I know good and clueless parents in their 30s and 40s.
Just keep going!!!

Sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I was a young mother myself and didn’t get this. It’s definitely a form of classism. Don’t be afraid to correct them. This assumption that all young mothers are stupid benefits scrounges is just wrong. Set them straight and be proud of how well you have done for your daughter. Also consider applying for auditing jobs. They often recruit out of school and I know quite a few accountants who started out in auditing. Alternatively consider going to uni, there is a lot of help out there for student parents these days. Well done you!

You sound like you’re doing a bloody great job. You work, provide for your child and are taking steps towards a successful future. Age has nothing to do with it, you have more about you than some 40 year olds I know. Ignore these idiots and crack on, they don’t matter💐

It sounds like you are doing a good job but understand you are the exception. My DD's have multiple former classmates mates with 2+kids (my DD's are young adults) these young mums are open about the fact they have no intention of working and probably are visible than women like you because you are working. You also will be receiving significant state support which in your case seems to be an excellent investment in that one day you will be a higher income earner and contribute back but others do not have such ambition.

It's never ok to be rude to people, but if it were one of my DD's (even though they are older than you) or a young friend I would advise abortion I admit.

I wish you all the best, accounts is a great career

I had my first at 19-and lots of people judged me for not having an abortion
Had my last (no 6) at 29-same people judged me for not having an abortion
Same people didn’t have any impact on my life-they didn’t babysit not pay for my nappies-I did
I just ignored them-they sure as hell wherent perfect either

Sounds like you're a brilliant mum, OP.

Tbh, it doesn't matter how old you are or what you do, but if you have children it's like an open door for comments. You'll laugh at this, I'm 48 with a 20yr and 19yr old, both who have left home in the past 12 months. I have people telling me that they 'can't believe' I have children THAT old! Also they 'can't believe' they've left home!

Just smile and wave, smile and wave...and keep on loving your family!

People are … kind of vile.

Ignore them. I was ten years older than you and post-marriage when I found myself single parent to a four-year-old. Things I was told included 'She'll grow up to be a juvenile delinquent, she'll never achieve anything'.

She's nearly forty now. She did well in school and in university. She worked (teaching) and married, she's been a sahm to her gorgeous child and she's now working again in a new career. She has a lovely husband too, and a beautiful home.

You carry on as you are. Remember some rest and relaxation for yourself, and don't push yourself or the child too hard (I did. It's hard not to but try to be kind as well as determined. It's the one thing I regret).

You'll be fine. You're ace.

People can be so rude sometimes with comments about things that don’t concern them. I say more power to you and it sounds like you are doing a great job. It’s very hard to rise above comments like that though, especially if you are not in the business of making them yourself, it’s very hard to understand why people think it’s ok to do!!!!

You’re doing really really well. My daughters are 18 and 20, and while the younger one might manage with a baby (possibly, but also probably not), the older one is nowhere near ready.

People think they’re so clever saying things like this. When I had my eldest a school friends mum stopped me in town and said ‘I could have guessed you’d be a single mother. You were always a naughty girl’. Urmmm no. For a start I was married (still am 22 years later) and we’d bought our first home, for another thing, what the hell did me being naughty at school (I think I might have ADHD) have to do with anything? Obviously I couldn't think of anything to say at the time. I should have run her over with my pushchair.

I once heard someone say ‘Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has one, but no one wants to hear them’. Not the most pleasant comment, but very true.

Keep going. You shoukd be proud of what you’re achieving.

Just to add as pp have it isn't just really young mum's. I've had comments when I had my first about being a teen parent (I was 23/24 and married) but so what if I was.
I also had a school mum quiz me why I didn't live in the new housing estate next to the School, could I not afford it being a single mum? I replied I didn't see any there that I liked for the money so I went for somewhere which had the space I wanted and paid for it in cash instead of being tied to a mortgage, which in turn gave me the breathing space to go to uni. She had to scrape her jaw off the floor. What I didn't tell her was that all Id managed to buy was shared ownership, but I'm hoping she will keep her trap shut in future.
people put others down to make themselves feel better.

That's awful. I have nothing but admiration for you, you sound amazing! It's hard enough doing it with a partner and 15 years later, and there's not many that would try to do courses as well as working and having a toddler. Your youth is in your favour with that one!! Just crack on, smile sweetly at them and give them an energetic middle finger and raspberry as they walk away, it will help I promise.

Although shocking, I'm not surprised. I had similar comments working FT from 6/7 months respectively at 24!