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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad at my mother in law

87 replies

kittykate24 · 27/09/2019 09:17

I left my 5 month old son with my in laws for about an hour and a half. I was nervous about it as they’re pretty clueless (first grandchild and they have some very old fashioned views on parenting - MIL has given me some unhelpful, outdated advice and has been critical of how I’m doing things). But I thought it would be nice for them to spend some alone time with him as they’re very keen to be involved.
When I got back, DS was crying hysterically. They were doing their best to calm him down but MIL said to me “we told him if he didn’t stop crying we’d kick him up the bum.” I think it was her attempt at humor but I didn’t appreciate it. I scooped him up and walked away, it really upset me. I then went out and told her “I know you were trying to be funny but i didn’t appreciate you saying that.” She just said “right” and turned away. When I had calmed down later, I apologized as I thought it’d be best to try and smooth things over but she just looked straight past me and started talking to DS, who I was holding.
Was what I said to her unreasonable? My husband seems to think I took it way too seriously and he defended his mum, saying that’s just his family’s sense of humor.
I should say, this was on top of a few other things they’ve done recently to annoy me, and all the unsolicited advice from MIL, so it probably just tipped me over!

OP posts:

Jayne35 · 27/09/2019 09:21

I think you took it too seriously yes, the comment did sound jokey and I wouldn't have taken offence. MILs and in fact DMs always offer outdated advice because it wasn't outdated when they had DCs, you don't have to listen to it.

AutumnCrow · 27/09/2019 09:21

It wasn't actually funny, though

MaidenMotherCrone · 27/09/2019 09:22

They managed to raise your husband to adulthood giving them 17 1/2 years of experience to your 5 months. They are far from clueless.

I'm with your DH but it's ok to get it wrong sometimes.

NoSauce · 27/09/2019 09:23

Well you obviously know they didn’t mean it, right? You’ve said it was an attempt at humour. Which unless they have form for beating babies up then YABU touchy.

Ponoka7 · 27/09/2019 09:23

I'm a Nan and babysitter (for other people), you go with what a child is used to and how they are parented, to make them feel secure.

Those sorts of jokes are ok to four year old, if they are comfortable with you, but not a baby.

He was crying because he was left not because of the joke, though.

It depends on what else they've done.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/09/2019 09:24

You overreacted and your DS wouldn’t have understood what they were saying anyway. YABU.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 27/09/2019 09:25

Do you know why he was crying? What were they doing to comfort him?

If he was crying because he was over tired and they were cuddling him and smiling when they said it, I'd take it as a joke about the frustrations of caring for a baby that is crying.

If he was crying because they hadn't fed it changed him or he was upset and they weren't comforting him at all, I'd be more worried

Iggi999 · 27/09/2019 09:25

Well it wasn't funny and I don't think she should have said it.
In what ways have they been critical of your parenting? As I think that's more what you need to deal with.

Newmumma83 · 27/09/2019 09:28

You were right to apologise she could have accepted the apology

Myfanwyprice · 27/09/2019 09:31

My dc are early teens now, when I had them the advice from my dm and mil infuriated me, didn’t they know how wrong they were.

We had our children before most of our friends, and many of them have now got babies, when I chat to them, if I mention something I did, I can see them thinking how wrong I was - I’m not overbearing by the way, but it can be hurtful to know that advice you try to offer receives an eye roll, and my advice is only 10 years old!

My in laws are also of the i’ll give him what for variety, and it can be difficult to hear, but it is their sense of humour, and they don’t mean anything by it.

I would say, just be kind to yourself, you’re a new mum finding your feet and to your in laws, they too are trying to find their way as grandparents, you don’t have to take on their advice, but you can say thank you graciously and then do things how you think best.

BarbariansMum · 27/09/2019 09:32

I'm sure you know it was a joke yeah? And your ds wont have understood it even if it was said to him, which it probably wasn't. You were remarkably two-faced about a humorous comment.

DriftingLeaves · 27/09/2019 09:32

You were very rude. You knew she didn't mean it yet still took offence.

BarbariansMum · 27/09/2019 09:32

Po- faced, not two-faced

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2019 09:33

To be fair they have more parenting experience than you do and they managed to raise a child that you love.

It was clearly a joke and your five month old has no idea what was said.

tweedledeedo · 27/09/2019 09:34

Really? You flounced off because she made a joke? Whether it was funny or not you were very drama queen. Stop taking life so seriously, your MIL is not "clueless" at all.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/09/2019 09:34

I wouldn't be leaving my baby again with someone who blanks me when I try to sort out an issue.

So no more DS for them.

NoSauce · 27/09/2019 09:35

So no more DS for them

Ridiculous. I bet there’s so much more to this tale that’s not being said.

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2019 09:36

The baby wouldn't understand so no need to worry

eyeoresancerre · 27/09/2019 09:37

I'd be livid with them. The baby won't care but it's still a crap thing to say about a defenceless baby. I'm sure it was said in jest but a completely mean comment. I don't think you over reacted. You told them you didn't appreciated the comment.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 27/09/2019 09:39

To be honest, whilst I agree that the baby wouldn't know, that sort of comment would really irk me too. My ex MIL said stupid shit like this all the time, made me feel like I gave my DS too much attention and said stupid things like 'he needs a smack'. He didn't, he's a baby.

I hate aggressive language, even if it's just that - words. My MIL however had a long history of smacking her kids and being verbally abusive. I'm quite possibly projecting my own feelings into this, but I wouldn't have felt comfortable either.

You apologised for being a bit uptight about it, and I think you did the right thing in saying you didn't appreciate her saying that.

Nicknacky · 27/09/2019 09:41

Total over reaction on your part.

And as for the poster saying “no more DS for them”, I think the baby’s father may have something to say about that.

Original poster

kittykate24 · 27/09/2019 09:45

Thanks everyone. I do think I may have overreacted, hence me apologizing and trying to smooth things over with her. This was on top of critical things she has about how I’m parenting DS, so it is probably more to do with that than this single incident. I will try to see things from her perspective, I assume she is only trying to help.

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 27/09/2019 09:45

I wouldn't like the joke either especially when my young baby was so upset but I do think you took it too seriously. At 5 months old he obviously wouldn't have understood so DS wouldn't have been affected by it.

phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2019 09:45

Yanbu.

The joke was awful and you were honest and said you weren’t comfortable with it. You then thought it over and apologised to her . Your mil was wrong to ignore you after you apologised. It says more about her than it does about you. I’d still give her the benefit of the doubt but I would be mindful of anything else she does going forward. You apologised, what more did she want.

finn1020 · 27/09/2019 09:50

You were extremely rude and you overreacted. Of course she wouldn’t have kicked him in the bum, that’s ridiculous to take offence. Didn’t you think that she was probably massively stressed after not being able to calm the baby down - crying babies are stressful for anyone to hear, she was responsible for him and was failing miserably at stopping him being upset, and if you’re like that with her normally she was probably aware that you’d be finding her lacking and may have been embarrassed or a bit anxious about that too. You weren’t very nice.

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