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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad at my mother in law

87 replies

kittykate24 · 27/09/2019 09:17

I left my 5 month old son with my in laws for about an hour and a half. I was nervous about it as they’re pretty clueless (first grandchild and they have some very old fashioned views on parenting - MIL has given me some unhelpful, outdated advice and has been critical of how I’m doing things). But I thought it would be nice for them to spend some alone time with him as they’re very keen to be involved.
When I got back, DS was crying hysterically. They were doing their best to calm him down but MIL said to me “we told him if he didn’t stop crying we’d kick him up the bum.” I think it was her attempt at humor but I didn’t appreciate it. I scooped him up and walked away, it really upset me. I then went out and told her “I know you were trying to be funny but i didn’t appreciate you saying that.” She just said “right” and turned away. When I had calmed down later, I apologized as I thought it’d be best to try and smooth things over but she just looked straight past me and started talking to DS, who I was holding.
Was what I said to her unreasonable? My husband seems to think I took it way too seriously and he defended his mum, saying that’s just his family’s sense of humor.
I should say, this was on top of a few other things they’ve done recently to annoy me, and all the unsolicited advice from MIL, so it probably just tipped me over!

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/09/2019 09:56

No, YWNBU to be annoyed by that comment. No, YWNBU to tell her you didn't appreciate that comment. You were by no means 'rude' at all.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asserting boundaries; a thing Mumsnet is generally keen to recommend. There's nothing wrong either with ignoring the strange consensus that because someone shares DNA with our children they should be exempt from having boundaries set or perfectly reasonable objections made when those boundaries are crossed.

Your 5-MO DS was distressed and her 'humour' wasn't remotely funny.

You haven't said 'from this day forward I have no MiL'; you haven't said 'I'm never letting you see your grandchild again'; you haven't entered into any form of histrionics. If anyone's being overly dramatic here, it's her. You simply told her you didn't appreciate something she did. Quite right, too. No reason for you to bite your tongue and remain uncomfortable when someone makes you uncomfortable without apparent concern.

I wouldn't have apologized.

Neron · 27/09/2019 09:56

YABU. Genuine question, are they critical comments or could you be taking them the wrong way?
Always see comments about MIL with unhelpful advice, but they raised your DH and have experience of being a parent having gone through all years where as you don't. I think we are all guilty of thinking our way is the best way, but there are sometimes better ways of doing things even though we might not realise at first. It's not necessarily a dig at you.

IrishGal21 · 27/09/2019 09:58

One grandmother I know joked "Br good or I will lock you in the shed!" to a 6 yr old little girl. Another time she screamed at her and made her wet herself. Would people think this is just ok too??

BogglesGoggles · 27/09/2019 10:00

Jokes about child abuse aren’t funny.

DriftingLeaves · 27/09/2019 10:02

Jokes about child abuse aren’t funny.

Oh dear. Get a grip, dear.

Bowerbird5 · 27/09/2019 10:02

She was probably trying to make light of the situation because you had returned to find him crying.

I doubt she is trying to criticise more likely trying to offer advice. She has brought up at least one child. If you don’t like the advice just politely explain that things have changed and nowadays you are recommended to do xyz. She probably looked straight past you because she was upset and didn’t really know what to say or do. You don’t seem to like her much. My in laws didn’t always do things the way I wanted or they offered unwanted advice but they were learning to be grandparents and they adored my children. I just had to bite my tongue sometimes as they were caring people and my children loved them. Take a step back. Maybe take them a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates apologise again and say you were on edge at leaving him for the first time and start again.

custardbear · 27/09/2019 10:07

I suspect you overreacted because of him
Crying, we get a rush of hormones when our children are in distress, so her humour wasn't really appropriate - you apologised now forget about it, if she carries on being grumpy just tell her straight - your baby was distressed and her joking about kicking your child didn't help your distress, perhaps she should consider this next time she looks after her grandchild

CheeryB · 27/09/2019 10:12

If you had a go at her she was very likely upset. I sometimes don't want to speak when I'm upset in case my voice breaks and gives it away. And this seems to be a massive overreaction on your part. I'd have been gutted, in her shoes, for my Dil to think I was in any way serious about kicking a baby up the bum. Maybe you were very stressed as well, but I think flowers and wine might sort this out.

Notverygrownup · 27/09/2019 10:15

But I thought it would be nice for them to spend some alone time with him as they’re very keen to be involved.

I wouldn't have been keen on that comment either, particularly as you seem to have gone out of your way to set up the whole date. I would however be questioning why you felt she needed time with your baby, without you. They really don't need time alone with him at 5 months to form a relationship. Time spent with him can also include you there, as you all get used to each other (unless you are wanting to get some you time, and for ds to be looked after by his family which is a totally different thing.)

If they are pushing for time alone with him, think about what you want. It could be "Oh that would be great. I'm keen to get to the hairdressers" or perhaps " It would be lovely to come over and see you for a cup of tea, and to bring ds to visit you. Perhaps he will enjoy visiting you more, if he isn't spending the visit crying for me. How would Tuesday morning work for you? Or would you rather come and play with him at our house?"

ReggaetonLente · 27/09/2019 10:17

In the early days this is the kind of thing that would have upset me too. My baby is the most precious thing in the world to me, and especially in the beginning i certainly felt like i could only leave DD with people who i knew felt the same as i did about her.

Its really normal to be hyper critical of other people looking after your baby, but i think you have to accept that if you leave her with other people they aren't going to do things 100% the way you would, 100% of the time. I promise there will come a time when you feel fine about that- could be a few months, could be longer. But the fact you don't yet is probably a sign you're not ready to be apart from your baby just yet. Which is completely normal and fine.

I remember getting so cross with my mum when DD was tiny for things like not putting her down for naps on time, or holding her wrong and now at 13mo i can happily leave her with her granny, those things don't matter to me in the same way. DM still does as she sees fit with DD. Nothing has changed except me!

But i was pushed into letting DM take her out, have her at home etc right from the early weeks for 'a break' that i actually didn't want. If i'd just been allowed to find my way on my own it would have saved a lot of bad feeling and a few cross words. Just my experience.

painauchocolat84 · 27/09/2019 10:21

Omg you definitely overreacted to the point where I cringed reading that. You were very unreasonable. The child is 5 months old, it’s not like he even understood and even if he did he’d hardly be traumatized by a light hearted joke by a grandmother. 😑 You sound like very hard work.

Bibidy · 27/09/2019 10:23

Yep unreasonable, it was clearly a joke.

That said, MIL was also unreasonable to blank you when you apologised but I'm guessing she felt embarrassed by the way you reacted and was still smarting from it.

dollydaydream114 · 27/09/2019 10:23

One grandmother I know joked "Br good or I will lock you in the shed!" to a 6 yr old little girl. Another time she screamed at her and made her wet herself. Would people think this is just ok too??

Don't be ridiculous. These are not remotely similar to someone making a joke about (not even to!) a tiny baby that doesn't even understand the words being said to him. Get a grip.

My brother has four kids and is an adoring dad. When his kids were tiny babies and wouldn't stop screaming he used to say 'Has anyone got the number of an adoption agency?' It's a bloody joke and the baby has absolutely no idea what's being said. Jeez.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/09/2019 10:25

Those sorts of jokes are ok to four year old, if they are comfortable with you, but not a baby.

Really?

How many 5 month babies have this much command of language?

Lobelia123 · 27/09/2019 10:26

I don't think you were unreasonable because regardless of the fact that hes so little and didn't understand what she said, he would have picked up on the impatience behind her words, and if she says this now, she will still be saying it and be in that frame of mind when he IS old enough to understand exactly what she means. Its ugly and you shouldn't talk to anyone like that, child baby or adult. As for 'its just her sense of humour' - whats that old chestnut, its only funny if everyones laughing...??

Tonnerre · 27/09/2019 10:26

Those sorts of jokes are ok to four year old, if they are comfortable with you, but not a baby.

Why? a 5 month old baby won't feel threatened.

He was crying because he was left not because of the joke, though

Something tells me OP knows that he wasn't crying because of the joke.

Whattodoabout · 27/09/2019 10:27

Are you the same poster as the Legoland post? If so, you just have a ginormous issue with your MIL. It was clearly a joke, not your humour but she didn’t mean anything by it.

Tonnerre · 27/09/2019 10:27

he would have picked up on the impatience behind her words

How do you know there was any impatience behind her words? I strongly suspect the reality is that she said it in a loving, jokey tone of voice.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/09/2019 10:29

I think you are over thinking it because she us annoying you at the moment.My gran used to say to us "you want putting in a bag and shaking up" I knew as a child she had no intention of getting a bin liner out and putting us in it..

CheeryB · 27/09/2019 10:31

he would have picked up on the impatience behind her words

Or perhaps the affectionate humour whilst trying to smooth over a stressful situation.

phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2019 10:32

That comment does not mention hitting a baby. Doesn’t matter that the baby doesn’t understand, the mum surely does and didn’t like the joke because it’s a poor one regardless of the circumstances. I would have found your brother’s joke way more appropriate than joking about kicking a baby up the bum because it’s not settling for you.

Cohle · 27/09/2019 10:32

I think you way overreacted to a joke. No wonder your MIL was stand-offish with you afterwards - you basically accused her of being a child abuser, she was probably very upset.

Oysterbabe · 27/09/2019 10:37

Give over, it was a silly joke. I made many jokes about putting DD up for adoption or launching her off the balcony at that age. Obviously I absolutely adored her and would never have said anything when she was at an age where she'd understand.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 27/09/2019 10:41

My take on it is that it was a joke to the OP, not the baby. Chances are they never said anything to the baby! She was trying to make a joke as they probably felt embarrassed as the baby was crying when OP came home. and at 5 months chances are there was no big reason for not settling other than may just want their mum.
OP yes you overreacted but so did MIL when she ignored your apology. I think you just need to move on with it and take or ignore any advice given as suits. but unless there's a huge backstory your MIL just wants to help. x

Jaxhog · 27/09/2019 10:41

YANBU.

Not a very funny joke when a baby is crying hysterically. 'Just a joke' is a poor excuse for too many things.

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