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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad at my mother in law

87 replies

kittykate24 · 27/09/2019 09:17

I left my 5 month old son with my in laws for about an hour and a half. I was nervous about it as they’re pretty clueless (first grandchild and they have some very old fashioned views on parenting - MIL has given me some unhelpful, outdated advice and has been critical of how I’m doing things). But I thought it would be nice for them to spend some alone time with him as they’re very keen to be involved.
When I got back, DS was crying hysterically. They were doing their best to calm him down but MIL said to me “we told him if he didn’t stop crying we’d kick him up the bum.” I think it was her attempt at humor but I didn’t appreciate it. I scooped him up and walked away, it really upset me. I then went out and told her “I know you were trying to be funny but i didn’t appreciate you saying that.” She just said “right” and turned away. When I had calmed down later, I apologized as I thought it’d be best to try and smooth things over but she just looked straight past me and started talking to DS, who I was holding.
Was what I said to her unreasonable? My husband seems to think I took it way too seriously and he defended his mum, saying that’s just his family’s sense of humor.
I should say, this was on top of a few other things they’ve done recently to annoy me, and all the unsolicited advice from MIL, so it probably just tipped me over!

OP posts:

Wiltshirelass2019 · 27/09/2019 10:43

Don’t be so precious

Tonnerre · 27/09/2019 10:48

That comment does not mention hitting a baby. Doesn’t matter that the baby doesn’t understand, the mum surely does and didn’t like the joke because it’s a poor one regardless of the circumstances

And therefore the mother presumably knows that hitting the child was never on the agenda.

The other day a friend joked that after her child had been playing up for ages she felt like throwing him out of the window. Given that she had a tender smile on her face at the time and was busy cuddling him, I didn't feel the need to call social services. Because I could recognise a joke when I hear it, and I don't insist that a joke has to be high quality in order to be a joke.

diddl · 27/09/2019 10:50

Surely they didn't actually say that to him & that was their way of trying to explain why he was crying so much?

Were they supposed to contact you if he got upset?

Tbh if they really are clueless, why leave him?

They don't have to have alone time with him or it could be when he's older & can tell them what's upsetting him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/09/2019 10:51

Or perhaps the affectionate humour whilst trying to smooth over a stressful situation.

This is what I would have assumed.

HJWT · 27/09/2019 10:55

@MaidenMotherCrone
They managed to raise your husband to adulthood

So did my in Laws but they did a shit job of it, even though DH turned out great in the end it wasn't because of there parenting.

GloGirl · 27/09/2019 10:57

You're not being unreasonable and your Mother in law wasn't either really.

A screaming baby is just horrific for everyone. Evolutionarily, it's supposed to be. Your MIL would have been on her last nerve and made a poor joke. You would have been very distressed to see your baby that upset, knowing you hadn't been there and rather than be comforted you were told he was being a nuisance. I can totally understand how it was hurtful as something similar happened with my step mum. She kept commenting how she would put my son in the bin

But it was her attempt at humour, it didn't mean she comforted the child any less - it was just not the nurturing response you needed.

You'll all get past it very quick, be nice to your MIL.

HJWT · 27/09/2019 10:57

I didn't leave my DD with anyone so I cant relate, I think it was just a bit of a tense situation for you OP as you didn't know why he was so upset and in the moment you took the comment the wrong way, you apologised so what more does she want mardy cow 😬

SugarPlumLairy2 · 27/09/2019 11:23

You weren’t rude. I dont believe you over reacted either. Even IF you had, you owned it, offered an apology and explanation. You’re not at fault here.

Your Mil on the other hand.... despite all her advice/opinions and experience couldn’t comfort a crying child appropriately, couldn’t understand a new mums feelings of concern, doesn’t think anything wrong of threatening a kick up the bum (yeah great he’s 5 months, won’t understand, how about when he’s 5 years? ), she couldn’t graciously accept an apology or offer any sympathy or take any responsibility for her part in the situation.

Personally, I’d ensure no more unsupervised time, anytime either PIL was being irritating/ridiculous I’d offer a kick up the bum, every time they get upset I’d say “whaaaaaaaaat? It’s a joke! “.

Please do not gaslight yourself ,your feelings are reasonable and valid.i hope your lad cheered up soon after you returned.

SamanthaJayne4 · 27/09/2019 11:33

Totally agree with SugarPlum. MIL was nasty.

Witchinaditch · 27/09/2019 11:34

I had to re read the baby’s age there. If the child was 2 I would say YANBU as they can understand but the baby is 5 months sometimes there is no reason why they are crying and sounds like they were trying not just ignoring your baby. You don’t like them very much do you?

OneAutumnMorning · 27/09/2019 11:42

Not appropriate to me. I don't like any "jokes" about harming kids, it just isn't my humour....maybe it comes from being threatened, and actually hit and kicked as a kid, maybe not, just not my thing and I wouldn't want it around my kids.

Saying "It's a joke!!!" makes no difference when you KNOW it's a joke but it makes you uncomforable. A joke involving sexual acts and a child is still a joke according to some, but I still don't think it's funny or right (some really disgusting jokes about Madelin McCann for example).

flamingjune123 · 27/09/2019 12:06

If you thought for even a minute that she would have kicked your baby you're clearly NBU
However I think you knew immediately she wouldn't have done this, hence it was a ' joke"( though not funny at all.
So I think you over reacted but don't appear to have faith in them as parents, so just don't leave your little baby alone with them if you have any doubts.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/09/2019 13:29

Just look at some of these posts. You were rude. Or - 'be nice to your MIL'

Always the same message drilled into women. Be Nice. Be Polite. Even when (or maybe especially when) other people decide to stamp all over your boundaries. Or when, as in this case, the other person wasn't in the least bit nice to her.

Screw. That.

The OP has not been rude. She didn't respond with a low-aimed 'piss off you interfering witch', she's merely remarked on something she wasn't comfortable with, and a comment that she didn't appreciate. She's asserted a boundary.

All guns blazing when women dare to do that, eh?

AutumnCrow · 27/09/2019 14:51

Yes indeed, @Mariel, why do women have to put with unfunny jokes? Why can't they assert boundaries? Are they not allowed?

It really wasn't funny. It was pathetic. And the subsequent stonewalling tactic showed the context up for what it was.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/09/2019 15:56

You apologised - and she chose to respond in a passive aggressive and ignorant manner to your apology.
This, along with 5 months of criticisms and misinformation, would piss me right off.

I don't think you overreacted at all.
If anything, i think you are trying hard to be understanding and tolerant of her attitude - but she isn't interested.
It's her way only - or you can suffer the consequences.
She sounds like an arsehole.

BMW6 · 27/09/2019 16:00

What a strange thing to say about a 5 month old baby crying ! WTF ?!

phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2019 16:08

You apologised - and she chose to respond in a passive aggressive and ignorant manner to your apology.

This.

Some posters are completely ignoring the fact that OP apologised soon after it happened. OP could have just ignored her and did the exact same thing her mil is doing to her, but instead she took a breath, realised she may have overreacted and went back to mil and apologised. She did the adult thing while her mil who supposedly has such vast knowledge raising children is acting like one.

saraclara · 27/09/2019 16:14

One day you'll look back and wonder why on earth you made such a fuss about this. Just as I look back at my early parenting days and wonder why on earth I took everything so bloody seriously, and hurt people's feelings in doing so.

Peanutbutterforever · 27/09/2019 16:24

It was a ruddy stupid joke though. I suspect that if there was affectionate humour behind it, the OP would have heard it and not reacted in the same way.

Drogosnextwife · 27/09/2019 16:27

Do you actually think they would kick him up the bum? I think you were being ridiculous tbh

Drogosnextwife · 27/09/2019 16:33

God some people on here really need to lighten up.

Piffle11 · 27/09/2019 16:59

It was a daft thing to say, and your son would not have understood anyway… So in that sense I think YABU. However, I think MIL could have been more gracious regarding your apology. It could have been over and done with, but now she has created an atmosphere. Some people just do not like being told the truth to their faces: my parents are like this to. The main problem I have with your post is when you say you left your five month old child with people who you regard as being “pretty clueless”. however, I think MIL could have been more gracious regarding your apology. It could have been over and done with, but now she has created an atmosphere. Some people just do not like being told the truth to their faces: my parents are like this to. The main problem I have with your post is when you say you left your five month old child with people who you regard as being ‘pretty clueless’.

Sciurus83 · 27/09/2019 17:06

You didn't overreact, what a dumb thing to say about a baby. She should be embarrassed and apologised, instead she acted like a petulant child.

Piffle11 · 27/09/2019 17:08

Don’t know why my post was repeated! Can I also say, when people say things like ‘They managed to raise your husband to adulthood’: I sometimes think my DH and his DB reached adulthood purely by luck. Some of the stories that I have been told by his family regarding what happened when they were younger… Wow! They are told as funny stories, but TBH the outcome could have been so very very bad.

Zebraaa · 27/09/2019 17:58

God, I’ve heard it all now. It’s a flipping joke. Massive overreaction.

You’re all nutters on here. I dread to think what your lives are like. Thank god I have common sense and my MIL doesn’t have to worry about this shit from me.

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