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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t touch me

89 replies

akmum18 · 27/09/2019 00:46

AIBU to tell someone not to touch me?
Colleague always putting her hands on me and trying to hug me invading personal space. I’m not a touchy feely person and will only hug my children for example ( and partner if I had one Blush ) but apparently I’ve become a bad person for not wanting to be touched and for standing up for myself.

OP posts:
Ebonyandivory2 · 27/09/2019 00:48

Hmm depends on the way you say it. I always say it in a very jokey manner so the other person doesn’t take offence

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 27/09/2019 00:48

YANBU - no one has the right to touch you

BonnieSeptember · 27/09/2019 00:50

Doesn't depend on the way you say it at all. If anyone is touching you without your consent you're well within your right to tell them to do one.

Original poster
akmum18 · 27/09/2019 00:53

Admittedly it was said angrily as I snapped, it’s been building up for a while.
I’d be embarrassed if I were her being called out on touching someone without permission but she was angry I asked her not to.

OP posts:
LunasOrchid · 27/09/2019 00:57

What is it you said exactly?

managedmis · 27/09/2019 00:59

YANBU

BUT

People will not be happy about it at all

They'll see it as just being friendly, whereas it makes you feel all cringy, right?

Milanimilani · 27/09/2019 01:06

You have a right not to be touched. I have a workplace where people hug. It was a bit of a shock at first, but I do think if someone said I don’t want to be hugged it would be respected. I far prefer an air hug, where you don’t have to actually touch.

zxcvhjkl · 27/09/2019 01:23

Some people are more tactile than others. Doesn't make you a bad person in the slightest. I don't like the assumption that people are just ok to be touched, but then I have a DC with sensory issues so I'm perhaps a bit more aware than Joe Public.
If how you said it was rude as resentment had been brewing for a while maybe a quite word along the lines of - I hope there wasn't any misunderstanding, I appreciate my personal space and I'm just not a touchy feely kind of person. Also maybe come up with a stock phrase or two for future use. Unfortunately touchy feely seems to be the norm these days and to be honest who wants to hug Warren from Accounts just because he's returned from 10 days all inclusive in Spain. No one really (poor Warren) but it just seems to be the done thing.

If however the touch was unwanted and inappropriate ignore above thoughts and flame the bastard to pieces.

SweatyUnderboob · 27/09/2019 01:25

I hate this too, but I always worry I am being unreasonable. It’s actually quite embarrassing as if someone touches me, like brushes my arm or something I automatically flinch, I can’t stop myself from doing it. Then I feel like I’ve made things awkward. Argh

HaileySherman · 27/09/2019 02:27

Yanbu. Even if you said it snappy or angry. I also absolutely cringe at being touched. Like a lot of people though, i don't want to come off as the bad guy or feel awkward (even though I logically know there's no reason too). Really it's not so much about how they feel, for me it's that I don't want to feel weird about it. I just step back, put my hand out, kind of laugh and say "ok, all right, settle down now." It gets the point across and let's us laugh at my awkwardness instead of the uncomfortable message. It's not perfect, but it has worked well for me, as I follow it up as soon as possible afterwards with just normal interaction to kind of show that I have no hard feelings. Of course behind my back they may (probably) comment, but I don't care much about that. For me it's about being able to keep the face to face interactions tolerable.

CanuckBC · 27/09/2019 02:47

I have fibromyalgia and other chronic pain issues. Some days my skin hurts. I do not like being touched as a whole. If someone repeated did it inspire of me giving off leave me the beep alone vibes, as well as polite verbiage regarding it, I would end up snapping as well.

I confess, some days I snap at my kids for their constant poking! They are aware of my issues and that it hurts me🤯

It’s her issue, not yours. You have a right to not be touched/hugged whatever if you don’t want to be.

GreatBigNoise · 27/09/2019 03:03

Admittedly it was said angrily as I snapped, it’s been building up for a while

I think you were mean and unreasonable to let this fester then snap at her but you would not be the least bit unreasonable to politely ask people not to touch you.

I don't like to be touched and I don't like to be kissed unless it's by close family. Lots of my friends do the kiss kiss thing whenever they meet up. It's now known that I don't like to. It always vaguely awkward when I tell people but I'm very polite and they are my friends so are ok with it. I just say I prefer not to hug or kiss.
If I'm with people I don't know then I'll either step back or just offer a hand to shake. It depends. Sometimes, if I'm in a situation where is would be rude to not hug or whatever then I will just do it but generally I decline.

thecabbageassasin · 27/09/2019 04:34

I suppose some people can be quite tactile, but I find in the workplace or professional settings the touchy people are the ones trying to assert dominance.

I’m not overly tactile, but will tolerate it if I sense its coming from a good place. In my former work place a couple of ‘tactile’ colleagues (power mad) used to make me recoil with their touching because they where obviously playing power games.
Someone should respect your right not to be touched, I would hazard a guess that this particular colleague is trying to dominate if she’s taken offence at a perfectly reasonable request.

meccacos2 · 27/09/2019 05:11

@CanuckBC

I have fibromyalgia and other chronic pain issues. Some days my skin hurts.

I have nerve damage from a virus years ago which means that every now and then I flare up.

Any pressure to my face can set it off. The pain can then last days or months. I hate it when people touch and hug me. I hated it before the nerve damage.

I took very strong painkillers and nerve blockers.

It pisses me off when people touch me.

I’m pregnant and the moment and so far two people have touched my stomach. One of them was my colleague. I told her that as much I as like her, she must never touch me again.

I don’t care about being polite to people. It’s impolite to touch people randomly.

I even have to yell my partner not to put any pressure on my face.

He knows now because when I have a flare up I’m in agony - the body thinks it’s being attached and the pain signals are the same as if you’re being stabbed.

Tilltheendoftheline · 27/09/2019 05:11

Some people are quite tactile. I am nor comfortable with it. So I make that clear in a jokey way. Because most people are doing it because it comes naturally to them, they think that are being nice etc. Its not something most people do be creepy or annoying.

You havent become a bad person for not wanting to be touched or standing up for yourself. People viewed you actions poorly because instead of dealing with the issue in a grown up neutral way. You waited and did it in a nasty way that likelt embarrassed someone.

If you do something that people dont like, would you expect them to tell you OM a nice manner or in and angry way and embarrass them?

meccacos2 · 27/09/2019 05:11

*tell

ThatFlamingCandle · 27/09/2019 05:18

Oh my god, YANBU

It's so hard to tell them, though. On Tuesday I had a male acquaintance stroke my hair, face, but their arm around me, sit close after I tried to politely refuse, brush past me etc.

It really does get on your nerves. You probably don't want to embarrass him. But because it's your colleague, presumably you see him daily.

Just say in a general way, 'sorry Pete, i don't like people touching me.

joystir59 · 27/09/2019 05:30

Legally, touching someone without consent is assault.

redcarbluecar · 27/09/2019 05:33

No, YANBU. I guess it’s a shame that you reached snapping point over it, but the fact that your colleague became angry suggests their lack of regard for your personal boundaries. I once had a colleague who did this a lot and she was also a bully - not saying yours is, just that it’s not automatically to be regarded as a harmless, friendly thing to do.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 27/09/2019 05:40

Definitely NBU. I hate hugging and will do anything to not have to. DH and DD get my hugs. I work in a school and the children often hug me. I allow them to but usually with a quick squeeze and then move on. The adults I work with know I hate it and don’t ever hug me unless they want to annoy me. It’s become a bit of a joke where I work. Smile

toomuchtooold · 27/09/2019 05:42

It would be tempting to point out to her that after repeatedly touching you without consent she's now having a go at you for not letting her touch you. Does she think she has some right to touch you? No, she's just feeling awkward and taking it out on you. Welk, good if she feels awkward. Maybe that'll teach her not to touch random people. Even better if she learned not to have a go at someone who complains about it.

Rachelover60 · 27/09/2019 05:50

I don't see how you can be considered nasty for asking someone not to touch you. The fact that you snapped shows you'd had quite enough of that!

Just carry on being 'normally' friendly as you were before.

Who thinks you're nasty, is it just the touching woman or has she told others in your department?

CustardCreamLover · 27/09/2019 05:57

@akmum18 no you aren't being unreasonable. I've had to ask people many times not to touch me at various jobs I've had. I really hate it, it makes me very uncomfortable. I've never snapped at them though.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask politely that they don't do it. Maybe just apologise to her and explain why you snapped?

EleanorReally · 27/09/2019 05:58

You have a right not to be touched op.

CiliatedEpithelium · 27/09/2019 06:20

Oh god I agree. People are much more tactile than they used to be and I panic a bit if I am expected to hug and kiss and stuff. I get the same reaction as if I'm going under a low bridge. Head ducking and panic. I wish everyone would back off and be a tonne more dignified generally.