Don’t touch me

[akmum18]

AIBU to tell someone not to touch me?
Colleague always putting her hands on me and trying to hug me invading personal space. I’m not a touchy feely person and will only hug my children for example ( and partner if I had one ) but apparently I’ve become a bad person for not wanting to be touched and for standing up for myself.

Admittedly it was said angrily as I snapped, it’s been building up for a while

I think you were mean and unreasonable to let this fester then snap at her but you would not be the least bit unreasonable to politely ask people not to touch you.

Yes, it's always the responsibility of the person being touched and fondled all the time to state if they somehow have a desire not to be targeted in this way - how are people possibly meant to know their assumption that you don't have an automatic right to have your own normal personal boundaries respected is wrong if you don't explicitly tell them not to?

It's the same with burglars - how are they possibly meant to know that you don't actually want them to break in and take away your possessions and exchange them for a lifelong sense of fear and personal violation if you haven't even bothered to display a huge sign on your front door simply to let them know that....?

@joystir59 seriously? A comment wildly incorrect and out of proportion. Perhaps read the legal definitions before posting.

Just to add, there's nothing wrong at all with friends and work colleagues hugging and kissing each other once they've got to know each other and are confident that their actions are mutually enjoyed. They could always just ask if people like hugs or don't and respect whatever the answer is.

It's just nobody's right to assume and keep on pawing at you, just because they like being handsy tactile.

As a tactile person myself, who by upbringing does hug/kiss naturally, I actually totally agree with all PPs finding assumed attention an invasion.

Thoughtful 'huggers' surely become adept at reading body language, and refrain accordingly.
Clearly all the more so if keeping your distance has been verbalised in no uncertain terms!

It always amazes me that some are so selfish as to feel they have more of a 'right' to hug & kiss, despite having been given a big red flag not to by someone else.

I've been told (on separate occasions by different people) "Actually, I'd rather you didn't" / "Please don't hug me, I really don't like all that" etc., and just taken that on board from then on in, no fuss or awkwardness from either side.
(To dismiss that as 'uptight'/ 'cold'...that's plain offensive
I'm really cross on your behalf!).

Because why wouldn't anyone with an ounce of sense consider other people's preferences?

(Particularly good points upthread re sensory and pain issues making touch unbearable, too.
Some who've no idea how shit that must be need to take heed).

Interested to hear how it all works in cultures where overt physical greetings between anyone and everyone, including business associates, is the social norm, universally regarded as breaking down barriers etc.

My work was as a nurse supporting cancer patients. My staff were all therapists. We were a very tight team who supported each other through some very testing situations and were friends as well as colleagues. So glad I was never in a situation where I was surrounded by corporate automatons.

I'm friends with my colleagues, @AlexaAmbidextra. I still don't like being hugged by them, as I don't really like being touched or hugged by anyone other than my partner and my immediate family. I will briefly hug my friends when we meet and say goodbye, and that is it.

I think what you need to remember is that everyone is different. You might feel 'supported' by being hugged by colleagues, but I don't. That doesn't make me a 'corporate automaton'. It doesn't make me cold or unfriendly or unsupportive. It just means I have different preferences to you.

I would hope that as nurses and therapists you and your team would understand how to be sensitive to, and non-judgemental of, different people's needs and preferences.

No one has the right to get angry if you tell them to stop touching you (unless you're being arrested ).

OP don't doubt yourself on this.

I, like other posters am in my 50's. This didn't happen years ago. I can remember when air kissing came into being and the sex in the city etc started hugging phases.

You keep your hands of other people until you know they'd be ok with you touching them.

I ask politely the first time someone tries to touch me, normally along the lines of "Please don't do that, it's not something I'm comfortable with". The second time I ask loudly "Why do you want to touch me without my permission?" That puts a stop to it.

I couldn't give a shit if they think it's rude. It's far ruder to assume you have permission to touch someone else's body...even for something as innocent as a hug.

I'm a toucher who hates being touched lol. I don't mind a hug but if we're talking and your hand is constantly on me, I'm very aware that you're touching me. Whereas, I'm also a 'quick' toucher. I may gently tap if I'm asking something or trying to get your attention. I don't like people standing directly in front of me talking either... but I wouldn't tell anyone in real life not to touch me. Its just not that huge of a deal to me really. But at least OP told this colleague and hopefully she stops now.

I had to say that to someone this week. I don’t like being touched and said it before she hugged me.

I would hope that as nurses and therapists you and your team would understand how to be sensitive to, and non-judgemental of, different people's needs and preferences.

Well of course. Which is why our patients continue to use our service and endlessly praise the care and support they receive from us. My staff are very skilled at reading people and situations and acting appropriately.

She insists on a hug and kiss on the cheek when you meet her before she delivers her bullying instructions. All about control.

Next time, sneeze on her cheek, just as you go to kiss her. A nice big wet one, then tell her you must be allergic to something she’s wearing. Do it every time and she’ll soon stop. 😁

All joking aside, that is a reall power trip for her, isn’t it. If a male manager insisted on that, you’d feel sexually harassed.

What you said Quinoa. I'm a fairly tactile person, I like to hug (sometimes) - but only people that want to be hugged! I can read body language and if I misread it and someone told me off, I'd suck it up - I might be mortified but that would be my problem not theirs.

Any touching where someone has authority is abusive.

I'm the mother-loving queen of no touching boundaries (if I do say so myself ) and think this is a ridiculous statement.

Permission, relationship and context are relevant.

A manager asking their upset employee if they would like a hug is not abusive.

A mental health nurse restraining a patient who is about to hurt themself or others is not abusive.

A bouncer who physically removes an aggressive drunk is not abusive

A yoga teacher asking a student if they can adjust their posture and who goes on to use appropriate touch and minimal force is not abusive.

Even my older stronger male Aikido teacher throwing me to the ground is not abusive - he has my informed consent, he does it safely, he explains what is going on and I am fully in control of being able to say no or ask for an adjustment.

What's not okay is somebody in authority who touches without permission, (unless e.g. it was to prevent harm like the MH nurse example) and if they're not aware of the effect of their authority on the other person's ability to give truly free consent.

Everybody has the right to say no to unwanted hugs and physical touch. I'd like to see a society where it was standard
to check in verbally with another before giving a hug or kiss unless the relationship is sufficient that permission is implied.

Alexaambidextra I do hope you do not think my comment was in any way aimed at you. It wasn’t at all & I am sorry to have offended you. In your line of work I think it sounds wonderful to offer the comfort of a hug or a hand hold - it must offer such succour to the people you help. I was merely observing that I would find it odd in my experience. Obviously “my world isn’t everyone’s world” but then I can only offer my experience, as most people do on this forum. We weren’t ‘corporate automatons’; we were colleagues & friends but not huggers 🤷🏻‍♀️

Touch that is offensive or inflicts harm is illegal. It's why police are careful not to touch rough sleepers to wake them up.

YANBU to ask a colleague to respect your pesronal space. YWBU, OTOH to accept it for ages and then snap at her.

Admittedly it was said angrily as I snapped, it’s been building up for a while

I think you were mean and unreasonable to let this fester then snap at her but you would not be the least bit unreasonable to politely ask people not to touch you.

I agree with this ^

I'm not a hugger in general, particularly not in the work place, but would put an arm round a colleague if I heard their parent had died, for example. That seems natural to me. One colleague has let folk at work know she doesn't like that sort of close contact however, so everyone would respect that.

If she hadn't said anything, then it would BU to snap at a colleague who hadn't been ever told that "over some time".

Don't apologise. She carried on after you told her to stop. She was way out of line in not respecting you.

I hate being touched so much that my friends bought me a massive badge that days "I Don't Hug" to warn people off!
It really works!

she continued touching me more forcefully after I said this so

Jeeze she's rude, intrusive & a bully.
I would have been fighting the urge to punch her at that point.

It’s fine to ask but it’s not nice to be aggressive or rude which it sounds like you were.

Good grief, have you not read the OP's own words?
She asked for the touching to stop, & the bully refused to stop.
Only then did OP raise her voice.
The bully responded by getting angry - but all you take from that is that you think THE OP was aggressive?

Outside of my partner and my children I loathe other people touching me. It makes me freeze up. All of my friends and family are aware of this and will generally laugh about it.

My DD11 Is the same and as such I've never allowed anyone to push her boundaries. Her body her choice.

If you've asked someon-e repeatedly to stop and they don't7 then they are A jerk.

@akmum18

If "tempers have cooled" I would be tempted to have a quiet word - again - with your colleague simply restating - calmly - what you have said here.

"You are obviously a very tactile person. I am not and do not like being hugged; please do not do so"

AlexaAmbidextra. I do hope you do not think my comment was in any way aimed at you.

CoraPirbright. No, please don’t apologise. Absolutely not offended. 😄. I was refuting the statement that all touch from someone in authority is abusive and somebody else being ‘flabbergasted’. So I was giving the example of me hugging my staff member. We don’t force any physical contact on our patients. It’s usually fairly easy to tell who would welcome it and who wouldn’t but of course we respond if they come towards us with open arms. We feel privileged that many are comfortable enough with us to want to hug us but the instigation always comes from them. Most times it’s just a hand hold if they’re distressed. But physical contact is never forced upon them.

When mum died last year, my boss came on and gave me a hug. I dont like touching normally, and she knows this. I also know her well enough to accept the brief hug for the intent, as she's good at respecting my boundaries.

I don't, however, hold back if others try to hug, etc. I am pite about it, though.

My wording was ‘don’t touch me please’ it was in a stern voice but in no way aggressive, she continued touching me more forcefully after I said this so I once again said ‘please don’t touch me just stop’ which made her angry
She had absolutely NO RIGHT to be angry at you for telling her to respect your bodily autonomy.
If she gives you any shit for it or tries it again i would report her to your boss asap.