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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t touch me

89 replies

akmum18 · 27/09/2019 00:46

AIBU to tell someone not to touch me?
Colleague always putting her hands on me and trying to hug me invading personal space. I’m not a touchy feely person and will only hug my children for example ( and partner if I had one Blush ) but apparently I’ve become a bad person for not wanting to be touched and for standing up for myself.

OP posts:
Chocolateaddict1 · 27/09/2019 06:21

I work with someone who’s breath smells awful! She goes to kiss me on both cheeks every morning. It’s getting to the point where I feel really uncomfortable. I hate anyone being too close to me but her smell makes it worse. She spits when she talks too and because her breath is so bad I have to wipe my arms down with a wipe after she speaks. I don’t know how her husband hasn’t told her yet or her dentist 😒

Cherrysoup · 27/09/2019 06:52

My line manager used to touch me all the time. Drove me nuts. She grabbed my wrist in the corridor one day like I was going to run away from her! I’m not a primary child! I very awkwardly brought it up and told her I hate being touched. She stopped. It’s worth it, Op. she has no right to be angry at you.

Goodmoaning1980 · 27/09/2019 06:56

This reply has been deleted

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PastTheGin · 27/09/2019 06:58

YANBU, but next time don’t suffer until you snap, just say politely that you don’t like to be touched. If people have a problem with that it’s their problem.

NearlyGranny · 27/09/2019 07:03

YANBU. Her anger may well be due to embarrassment at being asked not to touch. It's likely there will be some playground taunting along the lines of "Ooh, must remember Princess akmum mustn't be touched!" to make herself feel better and make you feel in the wrong.

Perhaps you could find her in a quiet moment and explain - without apologising! - that you've felt increasingly uncomfortable about her touching you and didn't quite know how to say so until it just got too much.

At that point she should apologise, ideally!

MaxNormal · 27/09/2019 07:14

She's probably pissed off because you snapped rather than told her calmly. As far as she's concerned she wasn't doing anything wrong and then you had a go at her.

Original poster
akmum18 · 27/09/2019 07:28

Yes goodmoaning I want all your attention please give it to me Grin Hmm
My wording was ‘don’t touch me please’ it was in a stern voice but in no way aggressive, she continued touching me more forcefully after I said this so I once again said ‘please don’t touch me just stop’ which made her angry. If I’m in the wrong for not wanting a random colleague to put their arm around me to the point where I can’t move then so be it. Thanks for those who understand, sorry to the ladies with illnesses that make it painful it must be awful for you x

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 27/09/2019 07:50

OP, I absolutely hate being touched by strangers. Getting my hair cut is an ordeal and as nice as massages sound, I feel tense at the thought of them

Myriade · 27/09/2019 07:54

I have no issue with hugging etc... but I would never hug someone who doesn’t want to be hugged.
I mean, surely, even before you voiced your discontent, she must have known because I’m pretty sure you were stiff/recoiling away??

She is angry because she has been out in the spot and didn’t like it. Well though. She’ll have to live with it.

readingismycardio · 27/09/2019 08:04

Ehwwww, I hate it too. Over the years I've noticed people have a tendency to touch my hair because apparently it's "sleek and shiny". You have no idea how much I hate it and I find it quite creepy tbh. I always make it clear that I hate it.

Pharlapwasthebest · 27/09/2019 08:05

@Goodmoaning1980
It’s her body and she has the right to not want to be touched.
Women need to learn this, you have the right to say no, you have the right to say you don’t like it, it’s about time women stopped feeling like they can’t speak up for themselves.
Op, if you don’t like it then it’s absolutely your right to say so, and if you had already told her no, then being angry is also your right. Nothing wrong with that.
Practice your best don’t touch me face, cross your arms?

Ijustwanttoretire · 27/09/2019 08:10

We have the same issue with a particular woman at work who is excessively touchy-feely - and I hate it. Unfortunately unless you are abrupt and rude to her she doesn't take the hint. More people are being rude! How about having a word with your LM and getting them to have a word - particularly if she's doing it to others as well

vdbfamily · 27/09/2019 08:11

I had a work colleague who wore a badge saying please don't hug me. She was exactly like you and it is hard for huggers to understand as they assume everyone needs hugs. Can you not just send her a quick email or note saying you are sorry if you caused offence but that you need your personal space respected and do not do random hugs. To actually not let you go when you requested it is weird.

painauchocolat84 · 27/09/2019 08:13

It’s fine to ask but it’s not nice to be aggressive or rude which it sounds like you were. You should have explained or said calmly. YABU.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/09/2019 08:14

ThatFlamingCandle, what you’re going through is sexual harassment. Touching your face and stroking your hair. Yuck! You need to tell him firmly to back off and if that doesn’t work, then keep a diary for when you’ll need to report him. You will need to report that creep, eventually, before he goes further.

You don’t happen to work with Goodmoaning1980, do you? Grin

ReanimatedSGB · 27/09/2019 08:18

Anyone who doesn't back off after the first request to keep their clammy paws to themselves is in the wrong. And it's fine to be sharp with them if you have to tell them a second time. If the touching continues, it's not actually unethical to slap or push.
This woman is a bully. People who persist in touching others despite clear information that it's unwelcome are always bullies.

NellieEllie · 27/09/2019 08:23

I think it’s fine to explain you don’t like being touched, and I think people should not just hug someone without knowing they’re ok with it. I think what you did is understandable and she has no right to be angry with you.
Ideally I think it better to just make the point, rather than getting cross.

vavavoomdeboom · 27/09/2019 08:26

I know a senior manager who does this.

She insists on a hug and kiss on the cheek when you meet her before she delivers her bullying instructions. All about control.

Any touching where someone has authority is abusive.

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/09/2019 08:32

Any touching where someone has authority is abusive.

Not always. I’ve put my arms around one of my staff when their mother died. I wasn’t abusing her.

CoraPirbright · 27/09/2019 08:33

I am flabbergasted at all these work-huggers! I am getting on a bit so perhaps that is it but I have never worked anywhere such behaviour would be seen as anything other than unprofessional and downright weird!!

It is incredibly off of her to be angry with you. Your right not to be touched totally trumps her right to touch you. You are fully within your rights to tell her not to touch you!

Is she senior to you? I reckon some pp’s are right - its about asserting control.

Willow2017 · 27/09/2019 08:37

She has no.right to play the 'victim' op.
You told her she didn't stop so you told her again. Her fault.

Not everyone likes being touched. My friend doesn't she hates it.

Goodmoaning1980 don't be daft. NOBODY has the right to touch anyone else never mind randomly hug them. Accidently brushing past someone or accidently bumping into someone is completely different as are many other scenarious. Purposely thinking you are so awesome people want you to hug them is selfish, overbearing and a pia. You dont have to accept someone else touching your body if you didnt initiate it. You are just being rude for the sake of it.

vavavoomdeboom · 27/09/2019 08:37

@AlexaAmbidextra

Your intentions were probably fine and well received. But how do you know?

When my mum died 10 years ago my horrid manager did the whole hugging me thing and I hated it but couldn't say no. Made her feel nice!

When authority is involved the balance power always lies with one person.

OMGshefoundmeout · 27/09/2019 08:38

I am tactile with people I know and like but dislike being touched by strangers or acquaintances. You were completely correct to stop her - no one has a right to invade your personal space.

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/09/2019 09:12

Your intentions were probably fine and well received. But how do you know?

I know because we had worked together for years and she came to the hospital be with me when my own mum was dying. The fact that I was her manager was neither here nor there for either of us.

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/09/2019 09:17

I am flabbergasted at all these work-huggers! I am getting on a bit so perhaps that is it but I have never worked anywhere such behaviour would be seen as anything other than unprofessional and downright weird!!

Well your world isn’t everyone’s world. My work was as a nurse supporting cancer patients. My staff were all therapists. We were a very tight team who supported each other through some very testing situations and were friends as well as colleagues. So glad I was never in a situation where I was surrounded by corporate automatons.