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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t touch me

89 replies

akmum18 · 27/09/2019 00:46

AIBU to tell someone not to touch me?
Colleague always putting her hands on me and trying to hug me invading personal space. I’m not a touchy feely person and will only hug my children for example ( and partner if I had one ) but apparently I’ve become a bad person for not wanting to be touched and for standing up for myself.

OP posts:

PuffHuffle5 · 27/09/2019 15:36

I think YAB a bit U. If it was an ongoing thing you could have had a quiet word with her before rather than just randomly snapping. After touching you on several occasions without you saying anything she wasn’t really to know you were uncomfortable.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 27/09/2019 16:09

Urgh. People who get angry when somebody has to be more assertive because they didn't respect a stated boundary the first time are the pits!

rollon2020 · 27/09/2019 16:15

I think you aren't BU, you asked once totally reasonable
and then she carried on more forcefully!
that's out of order.
I am not a touchy person, even close friend work colleagues I wouldn't hug unless as PPs have said there a big thing like a death or something.

I've started a new job recently and the level of touchiness is unbelievable and it makes me uncomfortable to even see, slapping on the ass kissing, it's bizarre

But I also accept I'm a little ott about it, on a bad day my personal space boundary doubles and I can't even sit close to family

PuzzledObserver · 27/09/2019 16:47

I think those of you saying the OP is BU because she tolerated the unwanted contact for quite a while before objecting are underestimating the power of social conditioning. We are taught to be nice, not to rock the boat, to make everyone happy. It is easy for that to go wrong and put you Ina position where you are accepting something which makes you uncomfortable, while challenging it feels impossible.

The answer, of course, is to be calmly assertive at the first occurrence. But that is easier said than done.

OP, I completely get where you are coming from, because I don’t like people hugging or kissing me either. I’ve also been through the agony of trying to work out how to tell the more intrusive ones to stop.

If I were in your shoes, I would try to make an opportunity to speak to the woman. I would apologise for having snapped at her and then tell her that I did not like physical contact and never had, but when I told her so and she intensified her hug, it pushed me too far.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/09/2019 17:06

It's the fact that this cunt touched OP more when asked to stop which means OP is 100% not in the wrong for having raised her voice and spoken firmly.
As I said upthread, people who keep pawing when they've been told to stop have forfeited the right to 'niceness' from the person they are mauling. I tell people politely once, less politely the second time, and the third time they appear to need telling, they are going to get pushed away from me quite forcibly, or their hand yanked away from whatever part of me it's on.

Original poster

akmum18 · 27/09/2019 17:53

Thanks ladies (and men?) appreciate the support. She left me alone today, so it worked. I think as a general population we shouldn’t be ok with unwanted touching, as my boss made clear to me I was in the wrong. I agree with pp who said if it was a man he could be accused of sexual harassment so why is a woman any different.

OP posts:

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/09/2019 19:03

as my boss made clear to me I was in the wrong.

Hang on, was it your boss touching you or did your boss say you were wrong at being annoyed that the creepy touches wouldn’t back off?

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/09/2019 19:05

*the creepy toucher

Willow2017 · 27/09/2019 19:36

Tell your boss she can have all the hugs from touchy feely co-worker in future as you Do Not Want them.and you are perfectly within your rights to tell her to stop.
Maybe your boss should revise work harassment policies or Google personal.boundaries? Stupid person.

Original poster

akmum18 · 27/09/2019 19:44

Sorry colleague was the touchy one and boss was informed and I’m over reacting in her eyes so ‘being touched’ Seems to go hand in hand with assault or abuse only it can never be seen as just being touched without someone thinking you’re being/accusing of something sinister

OP posts:

MulticolourMophead · 27/09/2019 19:53

Sounds like the boss needs some training, then.

LordNibbler · 27/09/2019 20:26

Jeez, it's supposed to be the workplace not huggington fucking towers. I'm not a hugger, or a toucher and I like my personal space respected as I respect other peoples. It's bad enough in other out of work places where people think it's ok to help themselves to hugs and kisses. And YOU are the weird one for not being happy with it. But at work you expect to work and not field off happy huggers who mainly hug you for their own reasons not because you may want it. And yes, you can tell I'm old. I've developed a 'look' that warns people off quite nicely. I used to get very upset worrying what to do when people tried to hug me. I didn't want to offend them. But as I've got older I've realised people shouldn't just launch themselves at you without knowing if it's welcome or not. So now I think about my feelings and I don't worry about offending anyone. But actually since I started using the don't touch me look, no one has actually tried hugging me. I'm very friendly, but there is a very definite air of 'personal space' around me.

messolini9 · 27/09/2019 20:30

my boss made clear to me I was in the wrong

Your boss could use a punch up the bracket.

Your bullying colleague was asked to stop touching you, & instead of agreeing, ramped up her intrusive contact. How on EARTH are you in the wrong, OP?

100PercentThatBitch · 27/09/2019 20:31

I don't disliked being touched in general, but if someone places a hand on the small of my back for some reason it makes me WILD and I will physically jerk to get them to remove it. I have no idea why I hate it so much.

You are entitled to your boundaries OP

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