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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not love my step children?

92 replies

TheDoorIsClosed · 26/09/2019 10:10

I don't dislike them in any way, I treat them well, we get on great but I don't feel like I love them.

I don't feel like I miss them really when they aren't here for example. I don't super look forward to them coming like DH does. That's not to say I don't like them coming, I don't really feel either way about it. I enjoy it when they are here and I enjoy it when they aren't, I just don't feel like I can't wait to see them iyswim. We went on holiday a while back and H spent most of the last few days saying how much he couldn't wait to get back to see the kids, missed them etc... And I just nodded along thinking 'is that how I'm supposed to feel too?'.

I feel bad like there should be more of an intense feeling there but there just... isn't.

I don't think I'm a bad step mother in practice, they are welcomed with open arms, we have fun together, they are cared for and are happy children but mentally I wonder if there's something wrong with me!

I sometimes wonder if it's different now they are getting older as we don't really do much fun stuff, their time here mainly consists of screen, Xbox, iPad, talking to their friends etc...?

OP posts:

Tyersal · 26/09/2019 10:17

No not unreasonable, obviously it would be nice if you did but lots of step parents don't. As long as you are kind to them that's the main thing and that should be reciprocated

Rainbowknickers · 26/09/2019 10:33

My sd lives with us due to problems with her mother
Her sister lives with their mother
The best way to sum it up for me is if my children where in a burning building I’d be moving heaven earth and anyone in my way to get them out
If it was my stepdaughters I’d be yelling at someone/anyone to get them out
I don’t love them like my own but I do like them (they are lovely girls) but I gave birth to mine-I didn’t with them
I move mountains to make them welcome but they love part just isn’t there

WorldEndingFire · 26/09/2019 10:43

Love grows; many people report love for their biological children not being immediate. I wouldn't worry too much if your relationship is positive. If love grows in time after years shared together and memories made then that is a happy bonus.

merrygoround51 · 26/09/2019 10:54

I think sometimes its a case of love is as love does. If you show them kindness, are interested in them etc that in itself is a form of love.

I know some mothers who dont feel that burning urge to see their children after time apart.

I also find that when I am travelling a lot for work and I see less of the children I dont have that same 'connection' - i think you need the very regular contact.( hence why I gave up my job)

tisonlymeagain · 26/09/2019 10:58

I don't love mine. I like them as much as I like anyone else's children but I don't feel anywhere near what I feel for my own.

Whattodoabout · 26/09/2019 10:58

I don’t have step children but I don’t think I could love a child who isn’t my own in the same way I love my own. I think the love will naturally be different.

Bythebeach · 26/09/2019 11:02

I think there is nothing at all wrong with you. I would much rather a step mother who was caring and honest than one who professed a love that was not actually real. Perhaps love will grow. Perhaps not. But if you are caring, try to like them, ensure you understand your husband’s love and never try and deter that, you’ll be doing fantastically.
I’m not a step-mother but I have witnessed my husband’s and my son’s stepmothers; they both claim love but most certainly don’t act it and that is a much worse way round!

Bibidy · 26/09/2019 11:05

We went on holiday a while back and H spent most of the last few days saying how much he couldn't wait to get back to see the kids, missed them etc... And I just nodded along thinking 'is that how I'm supposed to feel too?'.

I feel bad like there should be more of an intense feeling there but there just... isn't.

...but mentally I wonder if there's something wrong with me!

I don't know why you'd feel worried about any of this! Why would you feel the same as your husband?! They're his kids, not yours.

My partner has kids too, and I feel the same as you. It's fine when they're here but I don't look forward to it or anything. We have a nice time together and I like them but I don't miss them when they're not around.

I don't worry anything is wrong with me though...they're just not my kids!

snowball28 · 26/09/2019 11:05

I don’t love my step daughter, and honestly she doesn’t love me either. We do however both enjoy one another’s company, like each other and respect one another. I think that normal and perfectly reasonable, I didn’t birth her so I’m bound to not feel the same way as I do about my own daughter.

One thing I have noticed is that our relationship seems to have gotten better as she gets older, I feel I can connect more with her as she grows up as we have some shared interests now.

PEkithelp · 26/09/2019 11:08

I think love grows over time (a long time not months, decades). For example I genuinely love my mother in law, but it’s taken me about 20years. I imagine if I had a step child I would grow to love them but might not love them for many years. When they get married or have a child you might turn around and think wow actually I do love them.

Giraffe888 · 26/09/2019 11:09

I feel exactly the same as you. I think it’s impossible to love someone else’s child as much as your own.

HotChocolateLover · 26/09/2019 11:11

I don’t love mine either. My step daughter actually quite annoys me, my step son is OK but I much prefer my awesome son. It’s not just you OP. Tbh, I feel resentful of them.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 26/09/2019 11:23

Completely normal! I think after 10 years and most of it living with us full time I do love my DSC. I don't always like them and I am sure the feeling is mutual! But it can't compare to how I feel about my own DS :-s (I don't always like him though when he's in one of his moods!)
Though I also don't desperately miss him when I am away from him. I enjoy time away then when I see him again I am happy. But my DH does seem to miss the kids (including our own) way more than me. It's just his personality and not mine.
all that is important is that you are kind and can enjoy spending time with them. Like a PP said it's better than professing love and behaving the opposite way!

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 26/09/2019 11:25

I don’t think you need to love them do you? At the end of the day, they aren’t your dc.

As long as your kind to them and get along ok, that’s fine

DementorsKiss · 26/09/2019 11:27

I'm exactly the same, I don't miss DSS when he isn't with us

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/09/2019 11:30

I agree with @PEkithelp. Love grows over decades. You care for the children and have fun with them. That’s ok. You may find you feel completely differently when for example they graduate or marry, have children etc.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/09/2019 11:39

I winced when I saw the thread title thinking you'd be flamed withing nanoseconds but it's reassuring to see that you haven't been yet.

I agree yanbu, I've seen a large number of mothers say they love their DC more than they would ever love anyone else including their partner, to think that that fierce love for your own children should be expected from someone not biologically related to them is downplaying the nature of parental love imo. As long as you are kind, welcoming and don't show favouritism etc then that's perfectly reasonable.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/09/2019 11:39

@HotChocolateLover why do you feel resentment?
OP love does grow over time but there are different kinds of love, so you may grow to love them as time goes on.

Dissimilitude · 26/09/2019 11:41

This is normal.

It is actually not the norm to love other people's children - the exception is how much evolution has driven us to love our own, despite their constant demands on us as adults.

This is so well known to psychologists they even have a name for the phenomenon where there is markedly higher abuse by stepparents than by biological parents - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

AryaStarkWolf · 26/09/2019 11:43

I mean it's normal that your Dh would miss and love them much more than you, they're his kids? Don't fret about it

IceQueenCometh · 26/09/2019 11:43

You're perfectly normal OP don't worry.

zafferana · 26/09/2019 11:45

You can't help who you love. I don't love either of my step parents and they've both been in my life since before I was born! I would say that I love very few people, if I'm being honest, and you certainly can't force yourself to love someone, just because you feel that maybe you should.

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 11:46

H spent most of the last few days saying how much he couldn't wait to get back to see the kids, missed them etc... And I just nodded along thinking 'is that how I'm supposed to feel too?'

I'm surprised you think you're 'supposed' to feel as intensely about your stepchildren as your husband does. I honestly don't know any step parent who does, although I know several who have excellent, warm relationships with their SC. I think you're doing everything right, and that clobbering yourself over the head with unrealistic expectations doesn't help anyone.

justheretostalk · 26/09/2019 11:47

FWIW OP, I love (own) my kids with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for them.. but I don’t miss them when I’m not with them.

I recently went a a two week holiday without them, I didn’t recently think about them once. I wasn’t excited to go home to them, I didn’t miss them, I could have quite happily stayed on holiday for much longer.

I think you do love them, you just have a different expectation of what that love should look like, based on your husbands (or others) feelings. Your love for them is yours, no one else’s.

intermittentfasting · 26/09/2019 11:48

I'd imagine it's perfectly natural and not an issue as long as you're kind to them and their parents both show them lots of love.

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