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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not love my step children?

92 replies

TheDoorIsClosed · 26/09/2019 10:10

I don't dislike them in any way, I treat them well, we get on great but I don't feel like I love them.

I don't feel like I miss them really when they aren't here for example. I don't super look forward to them coming like DH does. That's not to say I don't like them coming, I don't really feel either way about it. I enjoy it when they are here and I enjoy it when they aren't, I just don't feel like I can't wait to see them iyswim. We went on holiday a while back and H spent most of the last few days saying how much he couldn't wait to get back to see the kids, missed them etc... And I just nodded along thinking 'is that how I'm supposed to feel too?'.

I feel bad like there should be more of an intense feeling there but there just... isn't.

I don't think I'm a bad step mother in practice, they are welcomed with open arms, we have fun together, they are cared for and are happy children but mentally I wonder if there's something wrong with me!

I sometimes wonder if it's different now they are getting older as we don't really do much fun stuff, their time here mainly consists of screen, Xbox, iPad, talking to their friends etc...?

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 26/09/2019 12:04

I can't believe anyone would leave anyone in a burning building if they were the nearest there, never mind someone married to the child's dad.

I loved children I nannied for from babies but not older children I cared for. I looked after them very well though. I think it is easier to love from babyhood. I only love my children and husband plus my pets. That's it.

SunshineAngel · 26/09/2019 12:11

You love your children because you very much wanted them, loved them before they were even truly "children", grew them, nurtured them, wiped their tears, fed them from your own body.. you are spending time with your stepchildren ultimately because they come with your partner. If you weren't with your partner, you wouldn't choose to spend time with these children, because they're not yours. If you just went to the local primary school and picked up two children, would you love them? No. Just because your partner loves them doesn't mean you will, or that you have to.

You don't have to love them. I don't love my SS. But, he lives with us, and I do everything that a mother would do. I like him, and we have always got on great from day 1, but I don't love him like I would love my own, and I never will. He doesn't need love from me, though. He has his father, his mother, his grandparents on both sides. He has every family member he could need! What he needs from me is stability, support with college, a hot meal on the table every night, advice about this and that (which he does ask, which is nice). In fact, I think it's good to have someone who's NOT family to talk to sometimes, as I can be more objective when giving advice. I would describe myself as a big sister, or a caring aunt more than anything.

That's normal and natural.

The only time I would say it's not on is when stepparents make it obvious they don't even LIKE their partner's kid, never mind love them, but treat them with kindness and acceptance and that's all you can ask.

Drabarni · 26/09/2019 12:12

I'd say that was normal, they aren't your kids.
As they are his kids, he should miss and love them.
I only love my kids and gc.

beachysandy81 · 26/09/2019 12:12

If step children have a mother that loves them and is with them most of the time then I don't think it really matters if you love them or not as long as you are kind when they are with you.

Obviously, it would be very different if you were their only mother figure and they lived with you the majority of the time.

WorryBadger · 26/09/2019 12:15

Just wondering if people feel that it's possible to love an adopted child as much as if they were your biological child?

thegreylady · 26/09/2019 12:18

I don’t like my sd and it is mutual. I am very fond of her brothers.
However I genuinely love all their children. I am closer to my two youngest but the others, including dgd live far away. I love seeing them all.
My dsc were all in their teens when dh and I married as were my own two so 14, 16,17,18,19. I wasn’t ow their mum had gone off with om.
Love is a funny word and I feel a degree of love for all except sd who has hurt my dh so very badly.

MorganKitten · 26/09/2019 12:18

As a step child I find it sad and cold that you’re happy to be with someone else’s father/mother but not too fussed about the child.

HotChocolateLover · 26/09/2019 12:19

@sweeneytoddsrazor I know exactly why it is and it’s not even their fault which makes me feel worst. My step daughter looks exactly like her mum and who has been so cruel to both me and DH. She accused me of being the OW which would be difficult as I firstly lived 100 miles away and secondly I only saw him 3 times in 14 years (I knew him previously) Two of those times she was there and the other time my mum was there, in a bookshop! Makes me so upset but I guess I should let it go.

GoldenEvilHoor · 26/09/2019 12:20

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moodybum · 26/09/2019 12:23

All kids need from a step parent is someone who supports and never gets in the way of their relationship with their Dad/Mum, everything else is a bonus. If you view yourself as the type where you are essentially a babysitter but they are happy to be around you, then fine. If you bond enough that you feel like they are yours too, great, but don't think there is something mentally wrong with yourself for not having "clicked" into parent mode if the bonding hasn't happened yet/at all. Just be someone who brings even slightly more to their lives than you take and that's all anyone can do.

intermittentfasting · 26/09/2019 12:24

Step children and adopted children are completely different.
When you adopt a child you become that child's parent, you are entirely responsible for them in the same way as if you'd given birth to them. That responsibility will breed attachment and love.
A step parent may of course grow to love their step children over time but it doesn't have to be immediate.
I say that as a former step child.

moodybum · 26/09/2019 12:27

@WorryBadger I absolutely do. Love comes from willingness to accept each other and bonding. Blood means nothing unless you decide it does. But time must be allowed for bonding/cocooning, as very few people can truly love the idea of someone before they know them. Think of it as the love is there ready to give, just have to go through whatever stages to be ready to embrace it 100%

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/09/2019 12:27

@HotChocolateLover thats quite sad but the fact that you feel bad about it, probably means you make a conscious effort not to show it and maybe over time this will change .

GoldenEvilHoor · 26/09/2019 12:27

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Sobeyondthehills · 26/09/2019 12:36

I love DSS like I do a friend, I am not his parent, he has 2 of those, he doesn't live with us, the closest kinship I can claim (I am not married to DP) is he is my DS's brother (half brother if you want to get technical)

I love seeing him, I love spending time with him, I have known about him for 9 years and known him for 8 years. I have been a presence in his life for most of his life, I have known him longer than some of my friends, but I dont love him like I love my DS and I think that is normal

Novembersbean · 26/09/2019 12:38

No you don't have to love them - admitting this to myself was probably the most liberating thing I ever did. As others have said, you just need to be accommodating and kind, anyone that EXPECTS more is being unrealistic. Most people do not deeply love other people's children.

I notice that you say your feeling of guilt was triggered by going on holiday and him talking a lot about missing his kids. I think a lot of these "guilt" feelings surface for step parents because you actually feel a bit annoyed by your partner going on about it all the time, especially when you're doing something that's supposed to be fun and important for you as a couple like a holiday, and then you feel guilty that this annoys you. But in all honesty, I think that's a natural feeling, just like it would be if your partner talked at length about anything he was passionate about that you weren't also passionate about, and perhaps even went on to put a dampener on something you really wanted to just enjoy as a result.

It's natural for him to miss his kids and to mention it, it's also natural for you to not be as bothered about talking about it constantly. As long as you are kind to the kids, and he in turn understands and respects that his feelings will be stronger than yours and doesn't pressure you or try to guilt you into feeling something you don't feel, you don't have a problem.

evilharpy · 26/09/2019 12:41

WorryBadger yes, without question. I'm adopted and there is no doubt whatsoever that both of my parents loved me as much as they would have loved a biological child. My mum has said as much but it's very very obvious that she loved/still loves me. She says the minute she met me (a week or so before I came to live with them, when I was about 10 or 11 weeks old) I felt like I was hers. Unfortunately my dad passed away last year but (might be outing myself here) apart from his behaviour towards me throughout my life which I do my very best to emulate now that I'm a parent too, he had kept every single drawing I ever did for him, every craft, notes I wrote him, school stuff... he always kept diaries and notebooks and he would make notes of things like exams I passed with the date and my new designated letters or job title. He was the proudest parent ever, and I'm not anything particularly special you don't do that stuff for someone you don't love.

I think adoption is different to acquiring someone else's child through marriage/relationship. One of them you actively choose and have to go through a lengthy and demanding process for. The other is just circumstance.

OP: I think you sound like a lovely step parent. The fact that you're asking proves you give a shit.

BigusBumus · 26/09/2019 12:44

My step son has lived with us full time for the last 8 years since he was 9 (17 now), although ive known him since he was 2. He doesn't really see his own mother regularly and she lives far away.

Although I have always been very fond of him, the love hasn't come until the last few years to be honest. I do love him now, very much, but its a different love to my own sons, not quite so much unconditional love like you do with your own, but pride, warmth, delight etc that comes with love is most definitely there now. He's always been quite a easy child though.

My own oldest son (also 17) has been brought up by my DH since he was 3. He is and has always been a proper PITA child and I admire my DH very much for loving him the way he does. Not sure i could've been that tolerant if it had been the other way round.

flamingjune123 · 26/09/2019 12:46

I know plenty of people who profess to 'love' people in their lives and treat them appallingly. It's just a word OP it's how you react to the child that's actually important. Showing care, compassion and interest is what makes a good parent or parenting figure. I've known parents who have filled social media with their 'love' for their children when in reality they're disinterested and neglectful
I've looked after other people's children for many years, I've rarely loved them the way I love my own. A lot healthier imo

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 12:46

Just wondering if people feel that it's possible to love an adopted child as much as if they were your biological child?

What a bizarre question. A stepchild comes into your life purely because of who you fall in love with. If that person happens to have children already, then you are a step parent -- it wasn't a primary choice for you, it's a side-effect of your relationship.

A child you have by adoption is planned for, fought for, prepared for no one who is lukewarm about the idea of adopting will get past the (famously discouraging) initial information evening. Your stepchild already has, in most cases, two parents your child by adoption probably has living birth parents, but with whom only letter contact may be forthcoming until s/he is an adult. You might be handed 'someone else's child' at the intro stage, but you love them into being yours every bit as much as a biological child.

sheshootssheimplores · 26/09/2019 12:46

You care about them very much, I think that’s wonderful! You’re not meant to have as strong feelings as their own mother or father. That’s the intensity of feeling that comes from knowing a tiny baby is entirely reliant on you for everything and then rearing that little being into a person.

PinkButterfly855 · 26/09/2019 12:47

I know someone who says she loves her partners 7 yr old daughter (Been together a year) as much as their own daughter who is 16. Now that is odd.
You are fine OP

TwentyEight12 · 26/09/2019 12:51

You’re doing a grand job and there is nothing to worry about.

As others have said, please steer away from the idea and expectation that unless you love them in the way you think you must, that there is something wrong.

There isn’t.

You are being kind, caring, welcoming and supportive. That is the ideal!

123Chicago23own · 26/09/2019 12:53

It sounds like you do love them to a degree; but not a ls much as if they were your own kids.

Stepping is a difficult relationship and, as far as I'm aware, quite a conditional. Tbh, I'd find it really hard to have step kids and it sounds like you do well.

Maybe83 · 26/09/2019 12:54

I love mine. I care about his well being and I want the very best in life for him.

I am interested in his life and enjoy him being here. He features in all our big decisions we make just like my daughter and our joint child.

Is it the same as my biological children? no I think it's more like my nieces and nephews but maybe stronger.

If I didnt though that would be ok once I treated him well.

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